Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Games that are so Bad, They're Good

After reviewing a swath of bad games, it made me wonder: What games are so bad that they surpass being garbage? Well, loyal reader, here's my list:

10: Afro Samurai: I hate this game for every reason one should hate a game. The controls are mostly terrible, the camera is your biggest enemy, and it moves nauseatingly fast. Yet, I love this game for the sheer fact that, despite all of its flaws (don't count if you want to have a life), the game is one of the best hack and slash games available, just by sheer beauty of its graphics, and some of the most epic fights ever in a game. Can you imagine how much more epic God of War III would be if Kratos was fighting a robot clone while free falling? Hey, with Pandora being an android, is that so insane?

9: Damage Incorporated: A first person shooter where you play as a team of marines fighting a murderous cult? What could go wrong? Well, for starters, it uses the Marathon Engine in a time where Build was used widely (hell, even Witchaven used Build, and that game sold as well as feces in a French restaurant). You also controlled like a brick being thrown by a baby. Yet, the goofy graphics and premise (Marines vs. Not-Heaven's-Gate-Humping-Freemasons), make this game at least worth a playthrough.

8: I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream: The interface was horrible, the controls were barely passable for a graphic adventure, and it was panned by critics everywhere for just about everything between graphics and sound, to fun value. The one thing that makes IHNM worth playing is that it has one of the most awesome and frightening stories in video game history. You play as the four last humans on Earth as an evil computer tortures you (and in one instance, has another character repeatedly rape another for his "amusement"), all to see if humanity is worth keeping around. Oh, and the computer is voiced by the writer of the original story, Harlan Ellison. The guy's a prick, which is why I AM is the perfect character for him.

7: Soldier of Fortune: Payback: Bad graphics, terrible AI, short play value (2.5 to 3 hours top), a cliche story that has no ending, and voice work that makes the "AWESOME" series of videos look like an award winning movie. Yet, it has one redeeming value: it is just too bad to be taken seriously. The game is, no joke, so bad that it's funny as hell. The laugh value is worth the $10 for it alone. Though, you can't shoot people in the groin and launch their legs off, like in the first one.

6: Low G Man: The Low Gravity Man: Back in the days on the Nintendo, we only had two buttons, and most games used them as "Jump" and "Attack." Taxan decided to use this to its advantage, by making a game where the main character's special power was to jump really, really high. Yeah... Today, the concept is pretty lame, and the game was difficult. In fact, one part in the end of the game is impossible-- wait! No, its not, it's one of the first games that makes you think to solve a level. Too bad the game has the dumbest idea for a plot ever.

5: Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude: I am not defending this game in any way. It was terrible. But, its good in the sense that it wasn't Box Office Bust. Oh, and the loading screens used real women.

4: Cho Aniki: When the people created a game say that it's genre is "Shitty Game," you know its going to either be really bad, or so bad, it's good. When the game involves "erotic" images of body builders, and is a shoot 'em up like R-Type, you have to be secure in your sexuality, and keep your tongue firmly in your cheek. Sure, it's not exactly what we play in America, but, how can you not laugh at a game where a boss attacks you with a metal erection and a man coming out of his junk. Yeah... awkward...

3: Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of The Earth: This is one game where bad controls actually make the game work. You always move slow, which usually hinders gameplay. In DCotE, it adds to the panic that you are all ready feeling. It adds to the claustrophobia of the city of Innsmouth as well. Thank Shub-Niggurath there isn't a subplot about homosexuality, nor a "Magic Orange Cat." Damn you, Cthulhu!

2: Witchaven 2: The first person beat 'em up games aren't exactly popular, but that doesn't mean they're bad. Witchaven 2 is one of those games. The graphics sucked, and the controls lagged terribly. You had to walk up to a guy while attacking in order to hit him, much like Saw: The Video Game. This one has the edge over the first game because there isn't a bug where the last boss kills herself, making the game unbeatable. But, hey, we still have primitive, claymation goblins to kill!

1: Deadly Premonition: Slow controls that lag, sub par graphics, a bizarre story that makes no sense to the player, bad voice acting, and the game is a blatant rip-off of Twin Peaks, so much so that the name of the game and two of the characters had to be changed to separate itself from the show. And yet, the game is amazingly fun to play. The head scratching moments keep you on your toes, and playing the game, making you wonder not what's going to happen next, but why people don't think anything going on is weird. The game seemingly accidentally draws you into its story. It's also finished in such a way that you can't help but feel for its characters. No other game that I've played made me this happy to even have tried it on a whim. Let's Plays of it are highly encouraged, too.

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