Horrid Horror Movie Review: Feed

WARNING: LIVE WITH OUT WARNING!

Oh, yeah... WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SOME OF THE MOST DISTURBING IMAGES I HAVE SEEN WHILE REVIEWING HORROR MOVIES. THESE INCLUDE A MAN WITH AN INFECTED, OOZING WOUND FULL OF AN ALIEN SUBSTANCE, AND A MAN DANCING TO "ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI" WITH A MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

ALSO, TO SOFTEN THE BLOW, I AM WRITING UNDER A CLEVER GUISE...

***

Just so you know, I am very, very sick. I've been fighting what must be a mutant flu virus this week. I feel miserable, but I can take solace in the fact that people are willing to help me set aside this misery by sending me horror movies that will make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, and bad horror movies are the best way to induce laughter. What's that? Today's movie is what?

Oh, no... Please... Anything but-- I can't even keep crackers down, and you want me to review Feed? Excuse me for a minute...

We start the movie with a man driving to a fast food joint while another drives to a house. Our first guy, Michael, brings the food back to a woman wearing the Fat Bastard body suit, strips naked, and feeds her burger after burger. Our second guy, Phillip, reaches a house in Germany, where he argues with his boss about helping the German police raid the house. Ultimately, Phillip goes into the house, and finds a penis in a frying pan. Don't panic, this isn't a sequel to Teeth. I know this, because the "penis" is literally just a sausage with a divot cut out of it so it loosely resembles a penis. After being scared by a random German cop who makes weird faces at him, he goes to the bathroom where he finds a man feeding another man in a bath tub. What is he feeding the man? Why, himself, of course. After Phillip vomits, he arrests him, and goes back to Australia.

In Australia, he gets in an argument with his girlfriend over a new piercing she got while he was away. I'll give you a hint, it's the kind that isn't work safe to show, if you know what I mean. She comforts him by saying that while she's "fucked four men and two women" while he was gone, she's still here for him. I'm hoping she's supposed to be a porn star, because that's the only way this makes any semblance of sense. We never do find out, though. While a sex scene ensue, we also see Michael feeding Deirdre even more fattening food.

Phillip has a nightmare in his office and goes to wash his face. He then talks to his boss in the bathroom, on a roof, and then on a balcony. Seriously, they finish a sentence, and the scenery changes as if they teleported there.(I'm in my living room): I'm not kidding. (I'm outside of a baseball stadium): It's done that poorly. (I'm in a pet shop): It's like the director never heard of continuity. Him and his partner start scouring porn sites, hoping to find criminal activity. Phillip finds Michael's website, and is horrified that these women are willfully eating to obesity.

And there, we have the first thing wrong with this movie. Phillip seems to have an irrational hatred of people eating. It's supposed to be because of the cannibal from the first case, but the way the movie is done, it seems like he just hates eating. To further prove this, the first sex scene starts when his girlfriend sits on his face, and he throws her to the floor. Our next one starts as she starts eating ice cream while bumping up against his head, saying "feed me" while watching him try to crack Michael's website in order to catch him doing something wrong. Once he starts to get it on with her... he throws her on the floor, which upsets her, obviously. Of course, to make it up to her, they do it, and we also see Michael feeding Dierdre ice cream, and... let's just say that he put his own special marshmallow topping on it.

Phillip wakes up and finds the word "PIG" written on his chest, and that his girlfriend left him. In order to get his mind off of her, he requests to go to Toledo, OH, where the website is made, in order to arrest the website's producer. What's the crime, feeding people? Yes, actually. Without any proof whatsoever, Phillip is convinced that the women are being fed to death. His boss forbids him to go, going so far as to suspend him for a month. Which of these do you think he'll do?

A: Drop it and try to get his girl back.

B: Quit and find another job.

C: Go to Toledo anyway and find Michael.

Most people would do "A" or "B." Phillip, being an insane moron, does "C." Let's review, here: Our sympathetic main character has an irrational hatred of people eating, throws his girlfriend on the floor constantly, and is so obsessed with stopping people from eating that he travels around the world, with no proof of any real crime, to stop it. Our hero is a psychopath, plain and simple... and we're supposed to be rooting for him at this point.

Anyway, his partner finds that the IP address leads to an abandoned house, where Phillip only finds Michael's prayer book. He goes to The First Church of God's priest, and interrogates him about Michael. Get ready for this one, because barring the fact that there must be at least thousands of "First Church of God" establishments and Phillip just happened to find the right priest for the right one on the first try, see if you can keep up with what Michael is supposed to be. Michael, at a young age, was raised by a morbidly obese mother. He was also lusting after his mother up until she died. Michael is masturbating to his dead, fat mother when the priest finds and adopts him, but he believes that Michael is a sociopath. This goes against the whole "Oedipus Complex" thing that the writers were going for. See, sociopaths don't form true lasting relationships, having either very little or no feelings for people whatsoever. That being said, while lusting for his mother is creepy, most people who believe in the Oedipus theory will find that the child doesn't act on it due to fear of castration. Sociopaths run on impulse and damn the consequences.

Also, if Michael is supposed to be pure Id, why is he acting in a slow manner? The Id demands instant, immediate gratification, yet Michael is doing something that will take years to do. This includes planning, going against the anti-social thing again. All in all, Michael is summed up as a Freudian Sociopath... which does not and, more than likely, cannot exist.

Anyway, Phillip meets Michael's sister, who asks where he's from. He says Sydney, Australia, and she asks, "Isn't that close to Japan?" If you couldn't tell, this movie paints Americans as fat idiots. In speaking of fat, this woman's supposed to be fat... but she isn't. It's not very convincing when she invites Phillip to Burger King. Next scene, Phillip breaks into Michael's house, but can't activate the website's files. He sees an Asian woman, who panics when she sees him. He runs out and has a long winded, yet, boring confrontation with Michael. Phillip runs off like Napoleon Dynamite. Minutes later, Phillip breaks into a house, finds a bag of dead raccoons (that look like owl pellets), and Michael. Michael called the cops, and Phillip runs away like Napoleon Dynamite. No, that isn't a typo, the movie is that redundant. In speaking of redundant, the set for Michael's house is exactly the same as the house in Germany in the beginning of the movie, decor and all.

The next day, Phillip is woke up by Michael-- WHAT?! Seriously, Michael brought Phillip breakfast. After warning him to stay away, Michael brings the creepy cop out of his jurisdiction, who may or may not be armed, breakfast, and they have a casual talk about how women are too thin. Disturbingly enough, I think Michael's right. Women are supposed to have curves, yet beauty has been defined as of late by women with no figures, long hair, and clothes. Our "beautiful" women today don't have child-rearing hips that men find attractive, they look like boys. At this point, I was thinking that Michael, while insane, had a point. That point was ruined when he drugged Phillip, and started imitating Gordon Gecko's "Greed is good" speech that cause Phillip to flash back to him raping his girlfriend. This is doubly stupid since there is absolutely no build up to that conclusion, seeing as that she comes on to him, and during the sex scenes, we're not lead to believe that she was being raped. It seriously comes out of nowhere. After Phillip passes out, Michael injects Phillip's stomach with a syringe full of fat. The fat from the previous victim of Michael's "plan," no less. Phillip comes to, and cuts the newly formed fat pocket-- excuse me...

*vomit* Anyway, where was I? Oh, fat pouring out of Phillip's gaping... wound...

*vomit* Seriously movie, what the frying fuck is wrong with you? No one needs to see that, ever. God... I'll never eat Custard Donuts again.

Needless to say, Phillip is pissed. He buys a gun, goes to Michael's house, shows his wife the site (and somehow proves that the last woman died), and kidnaps her while he drives to Michael's mother's farm house. He lives Sexy Asian Wife tied up, and slowly walks into the farm house, even tripping into a pile of bags of fat and "Lucy's body" that's being eaten by rats. While this is going on, Michael is trying to persuade Deirdre into eating pure fat (Lucy's fat, if you haven't guessed) so she can die... or weigh over 1000 lbs. Deirdre has such inspirational ambitions... To get Deirdre to relax, Michael starts dancing on her bed to "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" on her bed. Anything potentially frightening has just been destroyed by the image of Matthew McConaughey's even more retarded and repulsive looking twin dancing for a woman who can't move.

Phillip finds this, and instead of laughing, decides to threaten Michael. Michael jumps off of a balcony, lands on his feet, and runs. He fell two stories, and he's not even hurt? What is he, a superhero? Well, figuring that while the chase is going on, he disappears twice from Phillip's view, he might be. Phillip finds Michael's invalid father, who contributes nothing but confusion to the story. As the chase continues, Michael climbs on top if a refrigerator, and knocks Phillip into a boiling pot of fat, then onto Lucy's fat bags.

Phillip comes to, and finds himself in Deirdre's room. Michael threatens Phillip with the gun, and goes so far as to scare Deirdre after admitting he killed his mother. Michael apologizes to her, then tries to suffocate her. While doing this, Phillip reaches for the gun. After fighting over it, Phillip wins, and points the gun at Michael. Deirdre cusses at Phillip, even after Michael tried to kill her, what, four times now, and Phillip gets so fed up that he shoots her. The scene fades to black, and we hear two gunshots.

Phillip is now living with Michael's sister, and goes to the farmhouse, where Deirdre's body is still rotting. He sits on the balcony, facing a now starved Michael, who begs for Phillip to feed him. The end of the regular movie. The alternate ending is the same, except Phillip's boss comes out and shoots him.

Why does this movie exist? It's disgusting, and offensive. The hero is an antisocial rapist/murderer, and the script and direction go everywhere at once, to the point that the narrative doesn't make a single lick of sense. I'm hoping to God that this is the last movie like this I have to review... especially since Netflix keeps suggesting I watch Salo, now.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to try to keep down the last of my lunch.

I never should've eaten at Michael's Burgers and Wings...