Brain Junkfood: 50 Cent Blood on the Sand

Let's take a step back to reality land here for a second. I am the whitest guy you may ever get a chance to meet. If I even try to sound like a "thug" or a "gangsta," it sounds like I'm about to get capped in the ass. And the people at my local game store know this, too, so you can imagine the looks on their faces when I grabbed this game for this article. I had nicer looks getting Naughty Bear: Gold Edition. Yet, lo and behold, I played a game starring a rapper that seems to think the words "bitch" and "fuck" are like the words "the" and like." I seriously think that 50 Cent has become a walking, talking stereotype. Luckily, he didn't go alone in Blood on the Sand. He took G-Unit with him. Dear God, that's like Bevis and Butthead in a game and saying that it's good that they took Snarf, Scrappy Doo, and that annoying blue monkey from the Super Friends.

The premise is that after a concert, 50 Unit and G-Cent find out that the concert promoter in an unnamed Middle East country lost the payment, and gives them a diamond encrusted skull. Of course, the poor guy is robbed of the skull at gun point, as 50 Cent jams a shotgun in the guy's stomach. Our hero, ladies and gentleman... er... bitches and... G's! Hey, you know what, I think 50 Cent is a bad influence on children now. He just jacked the poor guy's swag, and look what a random twelve year old girl does upon seeing it! Though it could be worse. Imagine if she saw 50 torture the guy! Sends shivers just thinking of it...

On the way to the airport, 50-G gets ambushed, and the skull gets jacked. No, I'm not going to put "Ha ha ha ha jack my swag" for ten more minutes. I'm not that evil. Anyway, guess who suddenly has military training to go with his bulletproof vest? Yessiree, Bob! 50 Cent! I cannot describe how awkward it is too see a celebrity with a gun in a video game, namely one who shouldn't be allowed near one. We don't need a rapper with a gun, because, if music videos are to be believed-- Holy shit... he's holding his gun right! Well, that proves me wrong. Nevermind, then.

What 50 Cent shouldn't be allowed around, though, is bad guys. The enemies range from an Arabic Mobster, a female assassin, a white evangelist, and the guy who gave you the skull, who gave it to you just so he could get it back from the mobster who wants to kill you, who told him to give the skull to you so he could kill you. If that made sense to you, you deserve a gold medal. I also forgot the black army commander, the only person 50 cannot watch as he kills him. He's actually the best villain, because he acts intimidating. He doesn't spout off oneliners like the other villains do.

What he does is sets a standard for the bosses: they're all in helicopters. Not just any helicopter, either. They're psychic helicopters. If you so much as even think of aiming at them, they move out of the way, making them nigh impossible to hit. This is made worse by the enemies shouting things at you. They aren't exactly clever enemies, even if they were comic book villains. How can you not laugh your ass off when hearing a bad guy say this to you: "You won't leave here alive, Mr. Cent!" You cannot sound scary when calling someone "Mr. Cent." You just can't. Can you imagine saying, "I'm going rip your lungs out through your ass, Mr. Cent?" All credibility would be lost the moment before you say anything else. When the hero has to stop from shooting at you to laugh, you're not a villain, you're a class clown.

It gets worse: the last boss sounds like a televangelist from the south. When he shouts at you from his psychic chopper, he says the one thing Unit Cent could ever fear: "I'm gunna make you my bitch!" Granted, it sounded better than "You've got a purty mouth, Mr. Cent," it's no where near as clever as "You lose, 50!" Seriously, no one calls him by his real name, except for a strip club owner who gets yelled at because only those close to 50 Cent use his real name. I really think that the villains would be scarier if they used his name. "You lose, Mr. Jackson!" "You won't leave here alive, Mr. Jackson!"

Okay, maybe it's a little too close to another game, but at least we're pretty sure it's the same writer! The only thing missing was 50 turning into a giant robot fueled by children. Though, with 50 it'd be fueled by "bitches." Every other word from his mouth in his taunts is "bitch" or "motherfucka." It's funny when you realize this, because you instantly wonder if he's over compensating for something. He cusses so much that I was starting to wonder if he realized how... white he sounded. Seriously, I've never hear a black person curse this much, in school, or in my time in the Army. It's usually white people who say half of this shit, only as a stereotype, too.

So, yeah, Gorilla Cent tries to get the skull back, but gets sidetracked several times. I'd talk more about the story, but it gets to a point where you realize there is no story. In fact, it feels like an old Nintendo game in the fact that the story abandons the game. Oddly enough... that's part of what makes the game so bad and so damn fun. It's a "turn your brain off" game in a good way. Wait until I find one where the developers turned their brains off completely. I mean, they went to a bar with Mickey Rourke, and the end product was hilarious.

This Is Worst Than Will Smith In "Wild Wild West:" The "Call Of Juarez: The Cartel" Review

I have had very few questions about some of the games I've played as of late. Mostly, they range on the "What were they thinking?" to the "Is there going to be a sequel?" categories. Obviously, these can be positive and negative. Never in my gamer life did I ever think I'd have to ask this question. though: "Is this some kind of a sick joke?" Never have I played a game as dull, glitchy, and terribly done as Call of Juarez: The Cartel. Seriously, this game makes Saw II: Flesh and Blood look good. That's still the only game that got an "F." Could Call of Juarez: The Cartel be the second?First of all, I need to point out the User Interface. A black and white Killer7 style gun with a DOS font menu highlighted in bright yellow. I want to use the gun to whack the graphic designer in the face who thought this looked good. It doesn't look modern, it looks like a dying Gameboy screen shot in 3D. The rest of the game is just as bad, if not a hell of a lot worse.

You play as one of three characters: Ben McCall, relative of the McCall's in the first two games, now a cop who paraphrases Revelations by adding in random curse words; Kim Evans, an Yale educated FBI agent/ex-gangbanger; and Eddie Guerro, the drug dealing DEA agent who may or may not be a mole for the Cartel your going after. Of course, none of the characters are innocent, one kills an informant, and Ben is, I kid you not, both a cop, and a pimp. Through the course of the game, you'll have to frame other gangs for burning drug stashes, chase after a Vietnam vet/rapist/drug dealer and shoot lots of guns. If this were any other game, like Max Payne, competent writing may have be able to save the game. Unless it's by the same geniuses making Max Payne 3, but I digress. The point is that the story is uninteresting and cliche, so much so that the story gets sick of itself a few times over the course of the game. I went from chasing a drug cartel to a sex trafficking cartel to an illegal weapons cartel, all of them being the same damn gang. Its like the writers didn't know what one another was doing.

I rarely talk about graphics, but it needs a mention here. They're god awful. Pop-ins abound through out every level, including a level that has you driving through a forest as it magically disappears and reappears in front of you. In the same level, a rock was rendered with a side that was invisible, allowing the player to see through one end through to other like a two way mirror. In another level, it was raining, but instead of water hitting objects, there was a visible texture above the tallest object that you could see against the wall. My favorite would have to be the seam for the trailer that let me know that it was going to blow apart... way before it was. I'd say these are amateur mistakes, but that would be offensive to amateurs.

Gameplay could be the most competent aspect of the game, except the fact that the controls are too loose, and the game, being fast paced, seems to love to hinder your progress every chance it gets. Grenades knock you down, leaving you about 45 seconds of time to get back up, if you don't die first. Behind cover, it takes you a minute to regenerate. My personal favorite would have to be when the game glitched after I passed a checkpoint, told me that I need more players to progress, only for it to work when I had to go all the way back to the checkpoint, to the new checkpoint, and then physically grab the AI partner stuck in a fence. I still want to know what happened to the cover system from Bound in Blood. Frankly, I thought that game was boring storywise, but had a damn good cover mechanic. This one, enemies shoot through your cover as if you were behind butter. With as bad as the textures are, it wouldn't surprise me.

You also have driving segments. Here's a science project for you: attach a small fan to a cinder block. Then put an RC car engine on it, throw it, then try to steer it back to a precise point (like on top of the disc of this game). This is easier to control than the driving segments. If you actually did this (what the hell is wrong with you?), you may be saying its impossible. Exactly. The driving controls are intolerable. What's worse is that if you want a trophy, you have to not get hurt in the car... that is magnetically drawn to any object in a ten mile radius.

The theme for the game is even screwed over by itself. It's supposed to be a "modern wild west shoot out." It's another modern shooter, but with stereotypes of Mexicans, and bad guys that looks like an Italian Pimps. Seriously... what's with this game and pimps, were the writers bitch smacked a lot by them? Even better is the fact that no one in the game is likable, period. McCall is an abrasive, abusive ass, Kim is obnoxious, and Eddie is just a scuzball, constantly hitting on Kim. This leads to one funny part in a brothel, where Eddie gets them in by saying him and Kim are married and Ben is there sex therapist. Then it's ruined by the realization that Ben is wearing a bulletproof vest.

In speaking of writing, I have a theory on this. The game was written to be about cowboys, but changed in the middle of production to be about modern police agencies. That's the only excuse I can think of for such subtitle and voice over mismatches such as "It's dark as cow's guts" and "It's dark as fuck." This happens every five seconds. Seriously, I timed it. Towards the end of the game, it happens so often that I wondered if they even bothered rewriting the subtitles at all. Other than the subtitles, the only thing vaguely western is the soundtrack. That is, until the electric guitar steps in as if it was drunk and went to a country music concert and went with the flow anyway.

Everything about Call of Juarez: The Cartel screams of half-assed workmanship. The engine is unpolished to say the least, the sound and voices never sync up (even after the thousands of stutters the game has at points), and even the glitches try to run away from it occasionally. Even after Saw II, I have to say that this is the first game I felt that the developers sent the beta version as the final version. This leads me to wonder why the publisher even approved of the final product that was so blatantly unfinished. Save your money for something more worthwhile... like a root canal.

Overall: F

- Bad Gameplay
- Bad acting
- Half-assed script
- Half-assed subtitles
- Glitches upon glitches upon glitches
- Saw II is better

News, Updates, And Random Stuff

As you know, I'm going to cut back on my game reviews a little bit. The Independent magazine I work for printed my editorial, which caused some unexpected feedback: the publishers demanded that my editor force me to apologize to reviewers, fire me, or they stop publishing and funding us. My editor chose plan "D:" Find another backer and publisher, and keep me on staff. This means that the magazine is changing, which also means that we won't be doing many reviews. In fact, we aren't writing for gamers anymore, and are currently trying to get programmers and developers to buy subscriptions to the magazine. The purpose is to tell publishers and developers what gamers like and hate in games, so that they can get as many specifics as possible to improve their craft, instead of general flaws that are pointed at in most reviews (including my own).

That also means that our reviews on new games will be cut back to a few big names, but chances are that we'll have to play smaller names for research. Thankfully, this means I won't have to review a movie-based game, unless I get assigned an article about movie-based games. Which is very possible, especially with as much of a set back the Thor game was. Also, with my luck, I'll have to review the inevitable Saw III: Tobin Bell Has Bills To Pay, Bitches! At the same time, this gives us some good starting points as well. It's also a good excuse for me to go back to some old PS2 games I've been meaning to play.

One of the series of articles I'm planning is a series on bad games with good qualities, but done poorly. What I mean is this: the games are so bad that they're good, or they're playable and cheesy. I'm not shooting for anything that's impossibly hard or long, gamewise, here, either, so no RPG's. These games are the bottom of the barrel, your Evil Deads and Plan 9 from Outer Spaces of games. They suck, but you have to enjoy them because of it. Instead of focusing on gameplay, I'll focus on the stories more than anything. This is also supposed to be humorous.

On that note, Here's a list of where I'll be starting on it:

Brain Junkfood articles:

1: 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
2: Dick Marcinko: Rogue Warrior
3: Soldier of Fortune: Payback
4: Mortyr: 2093-1944
5: Most Wanted: Bonnie and Clyde
6: A Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge
7: Reservoir Dogs
8: The DaVinci Code
9: Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude
10: The Suffering: Ties That Bind

These aren't in order of when I'll do them, but the 50 Cent game is first up. Just a sample of what I'm working with here, at this point in time, after hearing 50 Cent say "Bitch!" no less than 2000 times, I'm pretty sure he may in fact be whiter than James May. Stay tuned!

Taste This! The "Shadows of the Damned" Review

When I first heard of this game, my first thought was, Okay... it looks boring. Then, I heard about the pedigree behind it. Shinji Mikami. Okay, Resident Evil... sure. Akira Yamaoka. Holy crap, they're the pieces of bread for a potential God Sandwich. Suda 51. There's your proof that God is real. How could you go wrong with a team of geniuses? One created a genre of games, one made the most atmospheric horror soundtracks, and the last one made some of the best games no one played. How could I miss this, now?

Thankfully, Shadows of the Damned is a surprise in itself. The story is a retelling of Dante's Inferno, without the Templars. You play as Garcia Hotspur, a demon hunter, whose girlfriend, Paula, is kidnapped by Sat-- I mean, Flemming, the devil. Teamed up with former demon, Johnson, who can turn into several weapons, Garcia must travel through Hell to save his "angel" from an eternity of torture and deaths. What could easily have been a cliche plot is played in a grindhouse style, complete with over the top gore and weapons.

Yes, Johnson, your gun, has three states: "Skullfest" the shotgun, "Teether" the machine gun, and the pistol. Your pistol is called the "Boner." And they shoot skulls, teeth, and bones. Helping along the way is demidemon Christopher, who looks like something from Pan's Labyrinth. The aesthetic of the game is both stunning and creepy. The demons are mostly skinless people or armored versions of that, but the bosses are where the true bizarre factor is. True to Suda 51, the bosses have weakpoints that glow, but they're done in a way that isn't glaringly painful.

The clear innovation the game has isn't the story, but the duality of light and dark. Johnson has a light shot that can stun enemies that have not been in the dark, and make enemies that came out of the dark vulnerable. It can also light dark areas by shooting at Goat Heads before the dark does damage to Garcia. Yet, some enemies need to be shot in the dark, forcing you to create strategies for boss battles, and even puzzles. As challenging as this is at times, you'll have an abundance of beer, sake, and absinthe to heal you. Yes, alcohol heals you in hell...

The gameplay has a learning curve, mainly because of the somewhat clunky aiming controls. It's easy to hit an enemy the first time, but then they move and you have to move your gun just enough, which can be a pain at times. The rest of the controls, including a dodge that you can use at anytime, work beautifully, especially in the side scrolling shooter parts that are designed like a scrapbook fairytale. The only section of the game that brought the flow of the play, and the story, down was "The Big Boner," in which you call a phone sex line to make your pistol bigger, and then play a level where you can't move, switching directions to kill giant demons with your "Big Boner," while saying "Taste my Big Boner!"

The story for the game doesn't take a lot of turns, but it doesn't really need to. The writing is clever and vulgar, which is expected from a grindhouse type game or movie. At the same time, it pokes fun at the genre, and itself. Bosses are introduced by Fairy Tale books that describe how they became demons in a ridiculous fashion ("He fell with a 'splort!' Hee hee... 'Splort!'") Johnson censors his own language, or shouts out curse words. The game goes forward with its tongue firmly jammed in its own cheek. Yet, it doesn't stop it from being unnerving as well. This is partly credited to Akira Yamaoka's sound work, and the overall feel of the environment. I mean, you shove brains, eyes, and strawberries into the mouths of creepy disembodied baby faces to open the doors they guard, and they laugh as they let you through... looking creepy as hell.

Shadows of the Damned is not a game for the weak stomached, but is a trip worth taking. While not Suda 51's most bizarre game, the effort between him, Yamaoka, and Mikami is a hell of a combination. Possibly one of the most original games written lately, ironically, figuring it's a retelling of Dante's Inferno, it is well worth a playthrough... or two.

Overall: A-

+ Fun Grindhouse setting
+ Good Story
+ Fun Gameplay
+ Good Movement Controls
+ Witty writing and design
- With a mindless section
- Bad aiming controls
+ Actually disturbing vision of hell and moving atmosphere!

Special Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Video Game Taunts

Back in the day, when Duke Nukem was fighting aliens and John Romero was trying to make you his bitch, FPS games had a taunt button. Now, nearly every game has some sort of taunt, but not a button for it. These quips could be goofy, or fit the theme of what game they were in. Here's my top ten taunts in video games.

10: What are you, some sort of scum sucking bottom feeding algae eater? (Duke Nukem 3D)

9: It's Howdy-Doody time kiddies! The bad man is here! (Blood 2: The Chosen)

8: You are weak as a baby fart! Go live in fear! (Shadow Warrior)

7: Gooey! And me without a spoon! (Blood)

6: Hiro got bitch smacked to oblivion! (Daikatana)

5: Don't make me laugh... Ha ha ha! It's official: You suck! (Mortal Kombat 9)

4: What are you gonna do, bleed on me? (Blood 2: The Chosen)

3: Time to redecorate in brain matter grey! (Duke Nukem Forever)

2: Another Day...Another corpse... Another reason... for me to hmm hmm... (Blood 2: The Chosen)

1: You little tiny dick! (Shadow Warrior)