Brain Junkfood: 50 Cent Blood on the Sand

Let's take a step back to reality land here for a second. I am the whitest guy you may ever get a chance to meet. If I even try to sound like a "thug" or a "gangsta," it sounds like I'm about to get capped in the ass. And the people at my local game store know this, too, so you can imagine the looks on their faces when I grabbed this game for this article. I had nicer looks getting Naughty Bear: Gold Edition. Yet, lo and behold, I played a game starring a rapper that seems to think the words "bitch" and "fuck" are like the words "the" and like." I seriously think that 50 Cent has become a walking, talking stereotype. Luckily, he didn't go alone in Blood on the Sand. He took G-Unit with him. Dear God, that's like Bevis and Butthead in a game and saying that it's good that they took Snarf, Scrappy Doo, and that annoying blue monkey from the Super Friends.

The premise is that after a concert, 50 Unit and G-Cent find out that the concert promoter in an unnamed Middle East country lost the payment, and gives them a diamond encrusted skull. Of course, the poor guy is robbed of the skull at gun point, as 50 Cent jams a shotgun in the guy's stomach. Our hero, ladies and gentleman... er... bitches and... G's! Hey, you know what, I think 50 Cent is a bad influence on children now. He just jacked the poor guy's swag, and look what a random twelve year old girl does upon seeing it! Though it could be worse. Imagine if she saw 50 torture the guy! Sends shivers just thinking of it...

On the way to the airport, 50-G gets ambushed, and the skull gets jacked. No, I'm not going to put "Ha ha ha ha jack my swag" for ten more minutes. I'm not that evil. Anyway, guess who suddenly has military training to go with his bulletproof vest? Yessiree, Bob! 50 Cent! I cannot describe how awkward it is too see a celebrity with a gun in a video game, namely one who shouldn't be allowed near one. We don't need a rapper with a gun, because, if music videos are to be believed-- Holy shit... he's holding his gun right! Well, that proves me wrong. Nevermind, then.

What 50 Cent shouldn't be allowed around, though, is bad guys. The enemies range from an Arabic Mobster, a female assassin, a white evangelist, and the guy who gave you the skull, who gave it to you just so he could get it back from the mobster who wants to kill you, who told him to give the skull to you so he could kill you. If that made sense to you, you deserve a gold medal. I also forgot the black army commander, the only person 50 cannot watch as he kills him. He's actually the best villain, because he acts intimidating. He doesn't spout off oneliners like the other villains do.

What he does is sets a standard for the bosses: they're all in helicopters. Not just any helicopter, either. They're psychic helicopters. If you so much as even think of aiming at them, they move out of the way, making them nigh impossible to hit. This is made worse by the enemies shouting things at you. They aren't exactly clever enemies, even if they were comic book villains. How can you not laugh your ass off when hearing a bad guy say this to you: "You won't leave here alive, Mr. Cent!" You cannot sound scary when calling someone "Mr. Cent." You just can't. Can you imagine saying, "I'm going rip your lungs out through your ass, Mr. Cent?" All credibility would be lost the moment before you say anything else. When the hero has to stop from shooting at you to laugh, you're not a villain, you're a class clown.

It gets worse: the last boss sounds like a televangelist from the south. When he shouts at you from his psychic chopper, he says the one thing Unit Cent could ever fear: "I'm gunna make you my bitch!" Granted, it sounded better than "You've got a purty mouth, Mr. Cent," it's no where near as clever as "You lose, 50!" Seriously, no one calls him by his real name, except for a strip club owner who gets yelled at because only those close to 50 Cent use his real name. I really think that the villains would be scarier if they used his name. "You lose, Mr. Jackson!" "You won't leave here alive, Mr. Jackson!"

Okay, maybe it's a little too close to another game, but at least we're pretty sure it's the same writer! The only thing missing was 50 turning into a giant robot fueled by children. Though, with 50 it'd be fueled by "bitches." Every other word from his mouth in his taunts is "bitch" or "motherfucka." It's funny when you realize this, because you instantly wonder if he's over compensating for something. He cusses so much that I was starting to wonder if he realized how... white he sounded. Seriously, I've never hear a black person curse this much, in school, or in my time in the Army. It's usually white people who say half of this shit, only as a stereotype, too.

So, yeah, Gorilla Cent tries to get the skull back, but gets sidetracked several times. I'd talk more about the story, but it gets to a point where you realize there is no story. In fact, it feels like an old Nintendo game in the fact that the story abandons the game. Oddly enough... that's part of what makes the game so bad and so damn fun. It's a "turn your brain off" game in a good way. Wait until I find one where the developers turned their brains off completely. I mean, they went to a bar with Mickey Rourke, and the end product was hilarious.