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Now, most people will tell you that I'm not exactly a prude when it comes to language. I mean, I'll fully admit to saying some pretty mean things to people. And they deserved it... mostly....
Okay, look. We're not here to talk about my sins of chewing people out in creative ways, though that could prove entertaining. We're here to talk about a game that is absolutely terrible, but is like watching a car accident caused by a train crashing into a rock with a painted landscape. You don't want to look, but you have to, especially with Mickey Rourke slurring his speech more than Tourrette's Guy, and twice as insane. Yes, when your character sounds more insane than a guy who screams "BOB SAGET" when mowing the lawn, you know you're in for a ride. Apparently, the story of Dick Marcinko: Rogue Warrior is even crazier.
Bethesda originally had hired Zombie Studios to make the game, but it was so terrible that they dropped the product, and hired Rebellion Studios to remake the game from scratch. Look at this from my point of view: Bethesda hired the same studio who did the Saw games, were disappointed that a studio known for bad games made a bad game, then hired another studio known for doing subpar games. Here's the kicker: Rebellion, known for Aliens vs Predator, but also known for Shellshock 2: Blood Ties, aka, "The Vietnam War is Being Eaten By Zombies," made very few changes to the story, and kept the same gameplay that Bethesda fired Zombie for... and Bethesda released it. It's like they threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it, we can't make a good game based on this shit!"
I can completely understand, too. I mean, when was a good game ever made about a real life soldier fighting terrorists? I mean, name one. All right, bet you can't name a..no...ther... Okay, so Bethesda dropped the ball. But, seriously, there isn't much you could do with this game in the first place. Rogue Warrior has one plot: infiltrate Korea, find out where they're taking nukes, and destroy them. It takes place in the cold war, no less, so Russia is the other bad guy in the game. Feasibly, a good game could be made from this.
All of that goes out the window the minute Dick Marcinko opens his mouth. This is what comes out: "A spec warrior: One who gives a fuck. That's me. Whether I'm prowling or growling or going full fucking Faulkner with lots of sound and fury, you cannot miss. I get the job done, and today that means flying under the radar into North Korea. The brass running this op is a dip-dunk desk-jockey named Admiral Travis *mrmrmr*. He tells me the mission is beyond classified, so I'm running a skeleton crew. Minimum footprint, maximum impact. SOP for assholes like me. I trained these men in the SEAL program and they've saved my ugly ass more than once. They're dirtbags and hard motherfuckers. When I'm staring death in the face, it's them I want watching my six. A mole inside the North Korean regime has intel on a munitions factory producing a new breed of missiles. My orders are to make contact and recon the factory. The brass is calling it a simple op, a typical snoop n poop. One thing I learned is that there's a thin line between a simple op and a total goat fuck."
So, spec warriors are the only ones who "give a fuck." We're off to a running start here. Is he actually saying that he's good because he gives a fuck? Of course, it helps when your team of experts is flipping each other off and looking at porn. These guys are immature morons, and have apparently saved Dick's ass multiple times. I wouldn't trust them with my worst enemy, and not one of them is as charming as Jesse Ventura. Especially since a "dip-dunk desk-jockey" with a mumble for a name is leading them.
The team lands, kills a bunch of Koreans, only for his expert team to find a guy who is holding a grenade with no pin. They look at each other, possibly regretting the decision of not running the fuck away. These guys are experts... I keep telling myself this, and it just makes it all the more worse.
The Koreans aren't much better, though. I have spent the entire game using pretty much two tactics. The first is shoot them with my pistol, and nothing else. The second is run up to everyone and stab them in any body part Dick feels like penetrating. This may sound like a bad joke, but here's the thing: Dick does kill some people by stabbing them in the ass with his pig-sticker. By pig-sticker, I mean knife, not "Demo Dick." This isn't that type of game, though you'd expect it to be with what Dick spouts out.
See, Dick doesn't have the cleanest mouth in the Navy SEALS. In fact, Dick says things that would make George Carlin blush. Let's take a look at them. "Die Motherfucker, you motherfucking amateur!" Okay, not too bad, if not excessive and ridiculous. "It's so cold, it could freeze the balls off of a polar bear." Okay, not quite that bad, but makes you wonder why he's thinking about polar bear's balls. No, I think the one that snaps everyone's mind is this one: "Suck my balls, my fat, hairy fuckin' balls! Wrap 'em around your mouth!" There are so many things wrong with what he just said... First of all, the fact that he said "Suck my balls," completely unprompted. He walks into a room and says this. I promise that if you said this, people would look at you like you were a psychopath on fire.
Next, the description. Was it really, really necessary for him to talk about, in detail, his balls? He makes Batman's motives seem sane in comparison, and this is comparing him to a guy who dresses as a bat to fight criminals such as clowns and men dressed as penguins as if it was an everyday occurrence. Okay, it is in Gotham, but the rest of the world, they deal with bald business men who are more over the top than Steve Jobs' bank account. Finally, "Wrap 'em around your mouth." How in the hell does that even work? If you know anything about anatomy, you know that you can't wrap balls around anything without some intense surgery or stretching. That's just too painful to think about. Then again, this would be fun to prank an old woman with...
But, the trick here is that the sticking point of the game is the ridiculous things Dick says in the game. After his team is killed, he just simply says "Fuck no!" to the prospect of turning back. He kills massive amounts of "C*** breath Commie Motherfuckers" without blinking an eye. If you want a collection (and why would you, really?) they made a song from the sayings! That's right, if you weren't offended enough, they made a song that makes gangsta rap by tourrette's patients seem tame.
See, this is what happens when you get your star drunk to voice a character in a game that Bethesda had to have known was going to be bad. So, they redeem it by... making it vulgar (There's a terrible game idea!)? What's the logic in that? It's just not going to make the game any better... unless you have someone calling you "Mr. Cent."
Bethesda originally had hired Zombie Studios to make the game, but it was so terrible that they dropped the product, and hired Rebellion Studios to remake the game from scratch. Look at this from my point of view: Bethesda hired the same studio who did the Saw games, were disappointed that a studio known for bad games made a bad game, then hired another studio known for doing subpar games. Here's the kicker: Rebellion, known for Aliens vs Predator, but also known for Shellshock 2: Blood Ties, aka, "The Vietnam War is Being Eaten By Zombies," made very few changes to the story, and kept the same gameplay that Bethesda fired Zombie for... and Bethesda released it. It's like they threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it, we can't make a good game based on this shit!"
I can completely understand, too. I mean, when was a good game ever made about a real life soldier fighting terrorists? I mean, name one. All right, bet you can't name a..no...ther... Okay, so Bethesda dropped the ball. But, seriously, there isn't much you could do with this game in the first place. Rogue Warrior has one plot: infiltrate Korea, find out where they're taking nukes, and destroy them. It takes place in the cold war, no less, so Russia is the other bad guy in the game. Feasibly, a good game could be made from this.
All of that goes out the window the minute Dick Marcinko opens his mouth. This is what comes out: "A spec warrior: One who gives a fuck. That's me. Whether I'm prowling or growling or going full fucking Faulkner with lots of sound and fury, you cannot miss. I get the job done, and today that means flying under the radar into North Korea. The brass running this op is a dip-dunk desk-jockey named Admiral Travis *mrmrmr*. He tells me the mission is beyond classified, so I'm running a skeleton crew. Minimum footprint, maximum impact. SOP for assholes like me. I trained these men in the SEAL program and they've saved my ugly ass more than once. They're dirtbags and hard motherfuckers. When I'm staring death in the face, it's them I want watching my six. A mole inside the North Korean regime has intel on a munitions factory producing a new breed of missiles. My orders are to make contact and recon the factory. The brass is calling it a simple op, a typical snoop n poop. One thing I learned is that there's a thin line between a simple op and a total goat fuck."
So, spec warriors are the only ones who "give a fuck." We're off to a running start here. Is he actually saying that he's good because he gives a fuck? Of course, it helps when your team of experts is flipping each other off and looking at porn. These guys are immature morons, and have apparently saved Dick's ass multiple times. I wouldn't trust them with my worst enemy, and not one of them is as charming as Jesse Ventura. Especially since a "dip-dunk desk-jockey" with a mumble for a name is leading them.
The team lands, kills a bunch of Koreans, only for his expert team to find a guy who is holding a grenade with no pin. They look at each other, possibly regretting the decision of not running the fuck away. These guys are experts... I keep telling myself this, and it just makes it all the more worse.
The Koreans aren't much better, though. I have spent the entire game using pretty much two tactics. The first is shoot them with my pistol, and nothing else. The second is run up to everyone and stab them in any body part Dick feels like penetrating. This may sound like a bad joke, but here's the thing: Dick does kill some people by stabbing them in the ass with his pig-sticker. By pig-sticker, I mean knife, not "Demo Dick." This isn't that type of game, though you'd expect it to be with what Dick spouts out.
See, Dick doesn't have the cleanest mouth in the Navy SEALS. In fact, Dick says things that would make George Carlin blush. Let's take a look at them. "Die Motherfucker, you motherfucking amateur!" Okay, not too bad, if not excessive and ridiculous. "It's so cold, it could freeze the balls off of a polar bear." Okay, not quite that bad, but makes you wonder why he's thinking about polar bear's balls. No, I think the one that snaps everyone's mind is this one: "Suck my balls, my fat, hairy fuckin' balls! Wrap 'em around your mouth!" There are so many things wrong with what he just said... First of all, the fact that he said "Suck my balls," completely unprompted. He walks into a room and says this. I promise that if you said this, people would look at you like you were a psychopath on fire.
Next, the description. Was it really, really necessary for him to talk about, in detail, his balls? He makes Batman's motives seem sane in comparison, and this is comparing him to a guy who dresses as a bat to fight criminals such as clowns and men dressed as penguins as if it was an everyday occurrence. Okay, it is in Gotham, but the rest of the world, they deal with bald business men who are more over the top than Steve Jobs' bank account. Finally, "Wrap 'em around your mouth." How in the hell does that even work? If you know anything about anatomy, you know that you can't wrap balls around anything without some intense surgery or stretching. That's just too painful to think about. Then again, this would be fun to prank an old woman with...
But, the trick here is that the sticking point of the game is the ridiculous things Dick says in the game. After his team is killed, he just simply says "Fuck no!" to the prospect of turning back. He kills massive amounts of "C*** breath Commie Motherfuckers" without blinking an eye. If you want a collection (and why would you, really?) they made a song from the sayings! That's right, if you weren't offended enough, they made a song that makes gangsta rap by tourrette's patients seem tame.
See, this is what happens when you get your star drunk to voice a character in a game that Bethesda had to have known was going to be bad. So, they redeem it by... making it vulgar (There's a terrible game idea!)? What's the logic in that? It's just not going to make the game any better... unless you have someone calling you "Mr. Cent."
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