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Why it's one so reviling and disturbing that only those who have stomachs of pure lead and the personality of pure awesome should watch it. You know the type: Chuck Norris, Isaiah Mustafah, Bruce Campbell, umm... this guy (here's a dare, read the rest of this review with this song playing). Or so I was told before I rented this piece of shit from Netflix. So, what vile, stinking mass of left over waste that the Angry Video Game Nerd left on Bugs Bunny, that isn't fit for consumption for the hungriest of sewer rats could this movie be? What terrible mass of digested food down the toilet pipe of Hollywood is it?
The Human Centipede. Oh, sweet merciful crap... I now feel bad for all of those fecal puns. Anyway, on with the review...
We begin the movie with a trucker taking a shit in the middle of a field. You know the movie's going to be good, now, don't you? Dr. Heiter, our mad scientist, takes time away from looking at a Photoshopped picture of three dogs "attached" to each other, mouth-to-ass, to step out of his car with a rifle "hidden" under is labcoat (by hidden, I mean "barrel sticking out from his shoulder"), and shoots the trucker. We then meet Jenny and Lindsay, who have, I'm thinking, half of a brain cell between the two of them. They get lost on the way to a club called "Bunker," even after asking for directions. Wouldn't you know it, the two get a flat tire, and right after that, a strange, old, German guy starts asking them if they're always horny, because he saw them on a "Horny Video." Jenny realizes that he said "fuck" in German, and they roll up their windows as he waggles his tongue at them, and drives off. This is supposed to be scary, but it's about as horrifying as this image, and as about as much to do with this movie, too.
After Hans the Horndog drives off, the two decide to walk for help, finding a house in the woods. Dr. Heiter lets them in, and of course, drugs them. They wake up to find themselves strapped to hospital beds, and Heiter killing the trucker because he isn't a match for the girls. Heiter then goes and grabs a Japanese tourist, and explains the procedure of what he's going to do.
1: Cut the tendons of the knees, so they can't extend their knees. Um... why? How, exactly, do you expect them to be able to move without feeling pain?
2: Pulling the teeth out of the two girl's mouths.
3: Cutting the lips and a circle around the anus, as well as part of the skin on the jaw to sew onto the ass of the person in front of them, creating a chin rest.
4: Sewing the people onto each other.
As he preps them for surgery, Lindsay tries to escape by hiding in Heiter's bedroom. This doesn't work as Heiter bashes the window open with the barrel of his rifle. Not the, broad, wooden butt of the rifle, but the narrow barrel that repeatedly bounces off of the glass. He does break the window, but Lindsay runs off into his swimming pool, managing to fall in it. Heiter decides to trap her by closing the pool cover, but the power goes out... for some reason. I honestly think that it was an outtake, and they decided to roll with it. Lindsay goes back to the lab, grabs Jenny, and tries to escape through the broken window, while dragging Jenny up stairs and through broken glass. Jenny isn't the cow from Me, Myself, and Irene. I doubt she survived, especially after Heiter shoots Lindsay, causing her to drop Jenny.
Heiter works on the centipede and sees it's a success as he starts taking pictures of them as the parts wake up. Dear Lord, is it comical. Imagine, if you will, a picture of a guy with his face pressed up to a fat person's belly. That's exactly what this looks like. When they try to move in unison, that's when you can tell that they aren't connected, and that's why there are bandages around their heads. You know, to keep one segment from wandering off the set out of the stupidity of this script.
As the days go on, Heiter tries to teach his new pet tricks like getting the newspaper. When the centipede fails, he stands over them, and walks while straddling them, but not sitting on them. The Japanese guy, one night, decides to "bite" Heiter's ankle, leaving a circular hole like stabbing someone with a pencil, not a bite mark. Heiter kicks him, and the next day has boots so he can't be bitten. He tells the Japanese man to bite him now, then tries to imitate a chicken. I'm getting sick of the Tommy Wiseau jokes that the "That Guy With The Glasses" crowd is doing, but it can't be avoided here. Heiter's chicken impression is actually worse than this: Tommy Wiseau imitating a chicken.
During this, The Japanese guy realizes that he has to drop a deuce... into Lindsay's mouth. This is where I call, no pun intended, bullshit. This movie is "100% Medically Accurate." By that, they mean an actual surgeon designed how the centipede will work. Apparently, they forgot all about Sepsis, Hepatitis B, dysentery, and about every other disease you can get through eating shit. On top of that, how are the people behind the first segment even getting nutrients? They have bandages on their arms hinting at an IV, but they're never shown attached to one beyond when they woke up. Realistically, they probably wouldn't be able to move due to the pain of walking one knee caps that aren't held into place (which I know about due to having a bad knee with loose tendons) as well as malnutrition. Taken into consideration that this is the first time Lindsay has eaten while attached to the guy, she probably isn't in any condition to walk, period.
Obviously, though, Heiter, is enjoying watching Lindsay eat shit. Hmmm... he must be a politician. Anyway, as the days go by, Heiter decides to swim naked while the centipede walks around. Heiter says he's please, then starts whipping them mercilessly... for some reason. He does a check up and finds that Jenny is suffering blood poisoning, and Lindsay is constipated. He decides that Jenny should be killed, but two prying police officers distract him. As he tries to drug the two meddling cops, the centipede plans it's escape. Japanese guy grabs a scalpel and crawls off with the women in tow. Heiter, after being caught trying to drug the two cops, gets warned that they are getting a warrant. It is at this point that I realize just how dull this movie is. The gross parts are only implied, and badly. So badly, in fact, that the actress how's supposed to have been eating dookie doesn't even respond to "it."
Anyway, Japanese Man (seriously, they never name him) stabs Heiter in the knee and bites his neck. As the centipede attempt to climb the stair case, they see how hard it is as they start to rip apart. Wait a sec... If the centipede can't walk up the staircase with out starting to split, how did Heiter, who is about as thin as Paris Hilton, get them down there. For that matter, how did they get up and down the stairs after they were attached? Is there a ramp we don't know about?
Lindsay guides the head to where she tried to escape, only to find the window is now fixed. Seriously, they've been attached for a week. She didn't think that Heiter would fix his bedroom window? Heiter crawls up after them, and a kneel-off ensues between the head and Heiter. The Japanese Guy grabs a piece of broken glass, explains that he's a douche bag who left his family and his child, and kills himself. The police comeback, and Heiter goes to the pool to deal with them. He stabs one of them in the neck with his scalpel (despite not being able to stand) and takes his gun. The second police officer gets shot, but shoots Heiter in the head, killing them both. Lindsay holds Jenny's hand until Jenny dies from her blood poisoning. Alone and attached to two dead people, Lindsay cries. The End.
I knew going in that this movie was going to be stupid as hell... but here's the trick: I was expecting something that was disgusting. The movie censors itself through its poor execution and bad acting. I did some research on this movie both before and after and found two things of particular interest: 1: There's actually a sequel coming out. 2: There's a porn version, "The Human Sexipede" that was rated better than this movie from critics outside of the porn industry. When a porn parody is better than your movie according to the mainstream media, you failed.
For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean up that mess my new pet... snake made in my labor... kitchen.
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