The Name's Bland, James Bland: The 007: Blood Stone Review

Questions that were raised during this game: 1: Why does Daniel Craig sound like he's doing an Austin Powers impression? 2: Why does Joss Stone constantly look at me like she's frightened and M look at me like she wants me to take my pants off (for the record... EEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!)? 3: If these are the same guys who made Project Gotham Racing, the only racing game I like, why are the driving parts as slippery as driving on ice, except when you're actually on ice? 4: Did the bad guy I was fighting seriously accidentally shoot himself in the arm?

I've never been a big fan of any James Bond movies, but I can appreciate them as the cinema sub-culture that they are. The only times I played the original Goldeneye was when my older brother was kicking my ass in split-screen. Hell, the only Bond game I liked was From Russia with Love, and that was because I got to play as Sean Connery. So, with that said, this next gen Bond game should actually be a somewhat good shooter, right? It's not a movie game, and it isn't like all Bond games were bad in the first place.

*sigh* Why hast thou forsaken me, Bond! Hey, you think that's tasteless, it's no worse than the line "I put my trust in... BOND," that Dame Judi Dench says in the beginning of the game. The writing is cheesier that a Wisconsin farmland. What's worse is it isn't because of any one liners Bond says, actually, he doesn't say any at all. It's because the story takes itself too seriously, but is written to match the older Bond movies. Imagine if Dr. No had all of Bond's one-liners, and the Bond girls, taken out of it. I know this is supposed to be a darker James Bond, but the story feels like the scraps of a lighter Bond movie, but put in modern times. The only way we know it's in modern times is because we actually are "treated" to a piece of dialogue that argues how the Western World always goes to war over WMD's, only to find that "there are no WMD's." Not to get into a political argument, but... IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY IN ANYTHING ANYMORE? It contributes nothing to the overall story.

Then again, either does the story. Seriously, the game took me a whopping 5 hours to beat, and I still don't know why it happened. The end game, which is a anti-climatic cut-scene (like all of the "boss battles") completely defeats the purpose of what Bond was doing, which was trying to stop someone from selling biological weapons. The bad guy could've just done something extremely simple instead of an elaborate plan that involves MI6, but opts to do this in such a way that if one thing went wrong, only that person would've cared. Ultimately, the world is only at stake for about five minutes of the game, and the rest is filler for a badly written "story."

It's acted and rendered about as well as the story is written, too. Craig sounds like Austin Powers, and looks like a monkey in a suit. Minor characters look terrified constantly, and no one changes expression. I know Daniel Craig has the same, "I'm too cool for my own good" look constantly, but what's everyone else's excuses? About the only good acting in the game was a guy I fought towards the end who was a more interesting villain than the actual villain. I think that's because he was like a Chinese George Takei.

The gameplay is hit and miss. While the shooting works well, it's actually too easy to kill anyone. Bond automatically aims at a target near him (as long as you're already aiming near that target), and you kill him in one to three shots. Then you have focus mode, which does that same thing, but slows time town. Um... thanks, game, but you made things easy for me already!

The AI seriously doesn't help matters. We've all heard of enemies rushing into melee range when they can shoot you. How about enemies that shoot themselves by accident? 'Nuff said.

But, driving is where it falls apart. All of the driving segments have you chasing after someone. The world knows this, and does everything to get in your way. First of all, almost every road in the game is seemingly covered in black ice as steering is nearly impossible to precisely do with out crashing. The only time that changes is when you're actually driving on ice, then it feels like you threw a brick, and doesn't respond at all. It also doesn't help that the textures for ice and water look exactly the same. Since you'll crash into everything you see, the developers decided to reward you for somehow not crashing into anything in the last level. This is funny seeing that everyone will stop right in front of you, no matter what, and you absolutely have to crash through a fence in it to. I guess the Aston Martin can fly, now?

More than anything, the game feels rushed, and it pays for it. The story is hackneyed, the graphics are subpar, the acting is bland, and the gameplay is either too easy, or too hard. Bond deserves a better game than this. About the only good thing I can say is that it isn't Saw II: Flesh and Blood, and that's about as high of praise as I'll give this game.

Overall: D

+ Shooting people works

- When they don't decide life is meaningless.

+ Chinese George Takei

- Cheesy writing

- ... and acting

- Horrible people rendering

- Even worse driving segments

- No Connery