If You're In Trouble, Then Maybe You Should Call... Someone Else: "The A-Team" Review

Augh. I just got back from seeing a clinical counselor. You see, it seems that my childhood memories of a team of badass ex-Green Berets has been ravaged by opportunistic writers. I remember a tall, buff black guy who pitied fools, a pretty boy con man who wooed women, but never took it things farther than needed, a crazy pilot who latched onto bizarre things, and a man with a plan, no matter how crazy it was. What we have now are a man with a plan that makes no sense and gives up when things get tough, a buff black guy that can't act his way out of a fight with pitiful fools, an ape-ish looking man who sleeps with every woman he meets, and a crazy pilot who latches onto bizarre things. Okay... so Murdock was still awesome.

The A-Team is a Frankie "Dishpan" and Boy George cameo short of being a complete waste of time, mainly because of Sharlto Copey, who plays Murdock. He seems to be the only one who has even done research on his character. He plays Murdock like Dwight Schultz would, and it can be taken as a tribute, much like Karl Urban's McCoy in Star Trek was. The rest of the main cast ranges from out of there league to terrible. Liam Neeson sucks as Hannibal, mainly due to the fact that he acts too serious, and gives up towards the end. George Peppard's Hannibal never gave up; He adjusted his plan to fit the situation. If things got rough, then Hannibal would smile and get rougher. He wouldn't throw his hands in the air and call it quits.

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson is not B.A. Baracus. He's a cartoon character in this movie, used as the butt of "I Ain't Gettin' On No Plane" and Pacifist jokes. The one time B.A. fights, it's over so quickly that it wasn't worth the time. Finally, Bradley Cooper as Faceman. The man looks like an alien-ape, yet sleeps with every woman (including his own prison guard, without getting in trouble) he meets. Yet, he "loves" Jessica Biel's underwhelming character (that frankly was only there to have "eye candy," but more on that later). He also encourages people to punch him in the face. Um... Wasn't Face's greatest tool his face? Also, why is Face the big hero of the movie, anyway? It's the "A-TEAM" not "the Faceman Hour."

The minor cast is miss as well. Jessica Biel plays the CID officer who wants the A-Team captured... I think. I couldn't tell you because she's only in uniform once in the movie, to get demoted. Most of the time, she's in a half buttoned shirt that shows that she has no decent build to show off. I don't mind if a woman isn't absolutely curvy, but when she's on the "my breasts sag more than my grandmother's" list, a bra and buttons are a vast improvement. Pike, the forgettable villain, is a skinny jerk that can somehow beat B.A. to a pulp.

Finally, though, we get to Lynch, played by Patrick "I was Nite Owl" Wilson. If you liked him in Watchmen, you'll hate him in this. He should stay as far away from villain roles as humanly possible. I kid you not, at one point, he breaks into song about his evil plan. It had to have been an outtake. I mean there is just no excuse for that kind of lame writing. Then again, the same guy got Mauy Thai and Brazilian Jiujitsu mixed up. He tries to choke someone out, and calls it Mauy Thai. At least he says that Jiujitsu os better, though, but if he's going to say he used Mauy Thai, he should use it!

I would go into the story... but I'm sure that this movie didn't have one. The crime that the A-Team is framed for was written so poorly that I'm not sure what it was they were convicted of in this movie. But, I drew the BS line when a military judge says that Rangers are outlaws and have no place in the Army (which is the opposite of what one would actually say) and that the guys who did the crime (and the military knows it) cannot be tried by UCMJ due to being civilian contractors. They committed a crime against the Army. Civilian or not, that falls under UCMJ jurisdiction.

This movie is just another remake cash-in attempt with no brain and big explosions. Maybe you want to see something nonsensical. If that's the case, go rent a Dr. Seuss live action movie. Do yourself a favor and steer clear of this mess of a movie.

I give it .5 out of 6 Foo's to Pity.