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Luckily, here comes Miner's Massacre to confirm that I'm not going soft. In fact, I owe this movie a great deal. It's the first time since Carnivore that I've taken the slip out to carve the movie a message. Instead of "NO!" though, this time it was "Fuck you, Shit-cake." How bad could a movie be that it evokes that response from me? Let's find out!
Before the movie, we get the production company logo: A flattened picture of a black cowboy who looks more constipated than Max Payne. The title card pops up, with the same font as "Green Acres," and using stock footage of miners mining. We then see a guy counting his gold, taking a piss, then getting killed by the monster du jour: Jeremiah Stone, the evil miner. So far, like another bad movie, the first guy to get killed pisses in his only scene. At least this one didn't stop because of an alligator. We then meet Clare, who's cooking dinner in her bra, and her boyfriend-- Gabriel Knight? No, his name is Nick. He hands Clare a letter with a golden nugget, and Clare decides that they should go camping.
We then meet Axle and his girlfriend. All they do is argue and make creepy double entendres. She decides she has to pee, so they pull over at Richard Lynch's farmhouse. Yes, Richard Lynch had nothing better to do than to be in this movie, nor did Karen Black, but we'll get back to her later. While Axle's girlfriend (seriously, no one ever says her name, so we'll call her Bitchy Galore) pisses, Lynch persuades Axle into buying a wanted poster of Jeremiah Stone. Axle and Bitchy then leave to find the mine, leaving Richard Lynch to get killed by the 49'er. We then meet Rox Ann and Hayden, who are "busy" in the car. Here's the character development chart for future reference:
Clare: Final Girl
Nick: Gabriel Knight Impersonator and Final Boy
Axle: Asshole
Bitchy Galore: Bitchy
Hayden: Monterey Jack
Rox Ann: Horny
That's all anyone needs to know about them!
Anyway, they all meet up in an old Western set, and immediately split up. Axle goes to look for his watch that Bitchy's mom gave to him, and runs into Megan Fox's even less attractive (but at least she looks like she isn't plastic) sister, Eve. Axle responds with all the wit he can muster: "And I am Adam." Rox Ann and Hayden go to a barn to screw, and Nick and Clare go to the jail to screw. This is interrupted by Bitchy screaming. When they all meet her at the bar, they find that pigeons scared her. The sheriff then comes in to see what's going on. Clare says that they're going camping as she hand the gold nugget to Bitchy. The sheriff, perfectly fine with them trespassing, tells Eve to stay with them, and leaves. Bitchy, jealous of Eve, decides to take off in Axle's car. The 49'er jumps out in front of her, causing her car to crash into a tree, then decapitates her. You can tell she's been decapitated by her crossed eyes.
As the group tries to find the campground, we get this "nice" piece of dialogue from Hayden and Axle:
Hayden: Wow. Eve is a ripe fruit.
Axle: Yeah. I'm gonna pluck it.
Subtle. So subtle, in fact, that I think this would be better so the audience doesn't get confused:
Hayden: Wow. She's hot. I'd do her.
Axle: I'm gonna fuck her, even though I have a girlfriend.
See how I fixed it? Oh, wait. I DIDN'T! Come on, people, subtlety isn't that hard. What, did you run out of double entendre's? He could've said, "I really love her peaches. You gonna shake that tree?" Or, since he introduced himself as Adam, "I'd love to try those apples." There! I fixed your script! It isn't that hard... if you know what I mean.
Eve finds out that they're only after the gold, and runs home to tell her aunt, Karen Black, this. Karen Black tells her that they're going to die, so Eve runs away to warn Axle. When she finds the cabin that Clare's brother was in, the 49'er decapitates her. Meanwhile, the group are lost, and split up. The women find the mineshaft while the guys find out that despite being in the Army, Axle failed "map reading class." This is the point where I snapped. "Map reading class," known as "Orientation," is required in Basic Training. If you fail it, you don't pass Basic. I know this, because I'm in the Army. So, you can imagine why I pulled the slip out, and gave the movie a special message of "Fuck you, Shit-cake."
Clare calls the guys over, to which Hayden asks, "What?! Is this a feminist intervention?" Wha-HUH?! Where the fuck did that come from? Anyway, he gets pissed that the women found the mine and not him. Axle farts, and everyone thinks it smells bad but him. I know that you really didn't need to know that, but I need to portray how bad this movie is. After hours of packing up the gold, the group decides to go to camp and eat Hormel Chili. Well, I lied. Rox Ann gives Hayden a lapdance and they fuck, Clare and Nick fuck, and Axle gets a case of diarrhea. Just as the two couples start to work at it, we see Axle's "Poo Face," and hear his shit hit the ground. Guess what, people? We have our script! Axle then hears something and screams when he sees a guy walking toward him.
Our couples dress faster than Superman in a phone booth, and find the sheriff cracking poo jokes at Axle. He then leaves, leaving Hayden to think that the Sheriff wants the gold. When he grabs a gun, Rox Ann panics, making Hayden think that she's in on the imaginary conspiracy. She gets in the car, and the 49'er throws a shovel through the windshield and decapitates her. I die a little because Rox Ann is the first woman in any movie I reviewed that was actually built like a woman, you know... with curves. Here's to Rox Ann. Wow... not even Sting can make this movie good. Kind of like Dune.
Hayden takes the last car and drives off. The 49'er grabs the wheel, sending the car to flip over a truck. This, of course causes both the truck and the car to spontaneously combust. Axle, Nick, and Clare run back to the campsite and find Karen Black who takes them to her cabin. She tells them that they have to take the gold back, burn the 49'er because he's actually a demon from hell. And demons hate fire. Too bad he just survived a fiery explosion not five minutes ago! The kids run back to the camp and find some dynamite. Axle figures that he can make an IED out of the dynamite and walkie talkies. He can make a bomb, but he can't read a fucking map? Meanwhile, the 49'er attacks them, leading to Karen Black getting killed, and the 49'er getting his hand cut off. He then promptly shoves the pickaxe in his hand hole like he's an action figure.
The kids return the gold and set the bombs. The 49'er attacks, though, and stabs Axle in the back. Clare runs to the mine to detonate the bomb, which ignites the 49'er on fire. Nick runs out, forcing Axle to be the hero. With a throaty cry, he yells: "Last Big Boy Free, Motherfucker!" So, we have the guy taking a piss, celebrity appearances in stupid roles, sex scenes with an attractive woman, and now, the incomprehensible line. Where's the big fat orange magic cat when you need it? Axle then puches the 49'er into the fire, killing them both.
As the sun rises, Clare finds that her belly bag has a gold bar in it. Nick throws it into the mine, but the sheriff shows up, picks it up, and the 49'er pops out. Thus ending this craptacular movie.
I know that I said I wanted to do this before the camping trip so people didn't think I was going soft. Fucking hell, that was a bad idea. This movie has no reason to exist, other than to send its watchers into blind rages. The acting is bad, the writing is terrible, the direction is horrifyingly appalling, and the celebrities in it seem to be that desperate for cash to be even be in shit like this. What happened to Puppet Master and House of 1000 Corpses? Do yourself a favor: If you see this movie, don't pass it up. Buy all the copies so you can have a good, old-fashioned DVD bonfire.
For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off to mine for some cinema gold. Hmm... a movie about a monster from a campfire story... Scarred?
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