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While Scarred does fit into Cocktease Horror, I'll get to that next review. For now, its time to take on the predictable and horrifyingly bad Nightmare Man.
Normally, I skip the credits, but I'm to a point where I may have to start doing a design series for this blog anyway, so why not? The credits look like they were done by a monkey. You have flashing negative images in the background, the names of people in white with red outlines, and letters coming out of the names in red, pulsating letters that draw your eyes away from the cast. This is troubling when you have people who want to be associated with the movie they're in. Considering that the red letters take your attention away, maybe the designer saw the movie and did the actors a favor. Oh, wait... Richard Moll's in the credits. He was good in the first House movie, and fantastic as Two-Face in "Batman: The Animated Series." Who is he in this movie? The killer? A cop. Our main character's husband? No. He's none of those. In fact, he's not in the fucking movie. Why is he even listed if he isn't going to show up? Did he read the script and decide to not hurt his career?
The actual movie starts when a woman opens a package and opens it in front of her husband, explaining that its a mask of an African fertility god. The husband looks at the mask, a demon with horns, and says something with a French accent so thick, you can't understand him. The woman puts the mask in the box, and takes her dress off to go shower. Oh, but she makes sure that the camera only gets sideboob with no nipple. As she showers, the lights go out, and she goes out to find her husband, Bill. A frenchman named Bill? Really? Anyway, she goes upstairs after Bill says he's in the attic, but she gets attacked, stripped (so we do see her breasts) and raped by a guy in the African Fertility God mask. She wakes up in her car, showing that Bill is driving her to a therapy session.
We find out that after she was raped, Ellen lost her mind and grew a fear of the mask. Bill took her to a therapist, who couldn't help beyond giving her Naproxin. If her psychological therapist thought a pain killer could help with her "schizophrenia," then the therapist needs help. Bill, being a dumbass, forgot to get gas, and the car breaks down in the middle of the woods. Bill leaves Ellen alone, with the demon mask which scares her to death, causing her to yell at Bill and throw the mask out. After Bill leaves her alone (kudos for being the husband of the year, jackass), the demon starts terrorizing her. She takes her pills, but that doesn't help her out. In fact, the demon gets more aggressive, including opening her trunk and cutting through the car seats.
Ellen runs into the woods, the demon after her. In the meantime, we meet the rest of our cast: for college aged coeds, two male, two female. Due to the fact that only three of them are named, and due to the comical nature of the deaths, I've renamed most of the cast:
Ellen: Busty main character (seriously). Known as "Cheerleader"
Trinity: Blonde girl that likes tough bad boys. Known as "So-And-So"
Guy that is never names: Blends into the crowd with his femininity . Known as "Whatsherface."
Mya: Unattractive, kinky haired, and obnoxious. Known as "The Ugly One."
Jack: Tough bad boy. Known as "Thompkins."
Unfortunately, Mrs. Commander...son isn't in this movie, but the guy that shows up to kill the Teen Girl Squad does. I'll give you a hint: he's the demon. Anyway, So-And-So and The Ugly One hint that their cheating on their boyfriends with each other. Cut to Cheerleader being chased by the demon. She gets his knife and runs off. Cut to the kids playing truth-or-dare. So-And-So Dares The Ugly One to tease Whatsherface. This leads to The Ugly One doing a striptease until she starts to take of her bra. Luckily, So-And-So stops her. But this means that The Ugly One has to dare her to do something.
Cut to Cheerleader still running away, and being pinned by the demon. Cut to The Ugly One telling So-And-So to fake an orgasm. As she does, she starts writhing and calling out Thompkins name, which pisses him off. He tells her to stop, and asks her a truth question: "What's your favorite--" Thankfully, Cheerleader screams causing attention to be drawn to the woods. As the rest of TGS go to see if they can see anything, when The Ugly One shows up with a crossbow. Still in her underwear, she goes into the woods with the crossbow and finds Cheerleader, bringing her inside. Why does Cheerleader have a crossbow in the first place? To protect herself from bears. In that case, she better hope for a headshot.
They take Cheerleader in, and let her call Bill to tell her where she's at. Bill asks to talk to a guy, and she hands the phone to Thompkins. He explains to Thompkins that Cheerleader is insane, and may have done her own injuries. Explain how she ripped the back of her shirt from behind? The Ugly One comes in and Thompkins gives her the phone to give him directions to the house and so she can hear how insane Cheerleader is. Thompkins explains it to So-And-So and Whatsherface. Whatsherface claims that he knew she was insane, but So-And-So is sympathetic. Suddenly, Cheerleader screams, causing the TGS to run in the room. Cheerleader forgot her pills, and wants to go get them.
Whatsherface tries to stop her, but she knocks him out of the way. She then shoves So-And-So and The Ugly One out of the way, and Thompkins punches her in the face. While Whatsherface cheers about this, So-And-So takes offense to Thompkins action. Whatsherface goes outside to smoke, followed by The Ugly One. The Ugly One pulls down her panties, making Whatsherface's jaw drop. Instantly, Whatsherface is shot in the open mouth with the crossbow. ARROW'D! The Ugly One sees the demon with the crossbow, and runs inside to tell the remaining TGS that the demon is real. Thompkins doesn't believe her, though, despite the fact that Cheerleader has been KO'ed for the past ten minutes. So-And-So sees the demon outside, and the TGS barracade themselves behind the couch. This is good strategy, except for leaving Cheerleader on the couch.
While hiding behind the couch, Whatsherface asks Thompkins what the last word in his question was. He looks at her and the following happens:
Thompkins: Position, okay? What's you're favorite sexual position?
So-And-So: Bottom.
The Ugly One: Oh, her on bottom, not me. (After realizing her mistake, mouths out "Oh, shit."
Thompkins looks at So-And-So like he's hurt. Demon comes out and scares them.
Why did The Ugly One say anything? Did So-And-So take her line? Judging by the shocked expression on Thompkins' face, I think so. Anyway, the demon breaks through the bathroom door and stabs So-And-So in the jaw. STAB'D! He the shoots Thompkins in the chest with three arrows. ARROW'D AGAIN'D! He then runs off, leaving The Ugly One to tie Cheerleader to a chair. After a while, Bill shows up, shocked that his wife is tied up, but not at the dead bodies. He says he'll go to get Cheerleader's meds, but goes into his car. He then sees Whatsherface's dead body, despite being in front of it the whole damn time. He then starts talking to the demon, who is really a guy where the mask. It ends up that Bill devised this whole plan to kill his wife.
Back in the house, the killer attacks The Ugly One, but Cheerleader turns into a demon and kills him, knocking the mask off. The Ugly One runs away, and Cheerleader, covered in blood, tries to seduce Bill. Bill runs away when Cheerleader turns into a demon, but Thompkins and So-And-So are reanimated to hold Bill down as Cheerleader squeezes his heart. She then runs after The Ugly One who has the mask.
Cheerleader and The Ugly One fight until The Ugly One stabs her in the face with the mask and beats her to death with a rock. ROCK TO THE FACE'D! The demon comes out and tears The Ugly Ones' clothes off, including her bra (the only other full breasts we see), and rapes her. The police find her, and the movie ends with her in a mental asylum. The doctor says she's going off her meds, and The Ugly One turns into a demon.
This movie needs to die. It has nudity on the worst places (not that it really needed it anyway), the casting is horrible, especially when you have a French guy playing an American who no one can understand, and the plot is predictable with senseless tidbits of "sex" and stripteases thrown in for no measure at all.
Hang on, though. We're not done with Cocktease Horror Masterpiece Theater yet. We still haven't gotten into the lecherous father and horny park ranger story of Scarred.
For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean his crossbow bolts.
Oh, sh-- ARROW'D A YET AGAIN'D!!!
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