Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part Two: Battle Out Of Hell & Overdose

You know, sometimes I really don't know what I'm getting myself into with these articles. I mean, sure, I knew that I was going to kill clowns in an amusement park, but, how was I supposed to know that the plot of Painkiller would change completely.


Yes, in Battle Out of Hell, you fight clowns. And orphans. And children in burlap sacks. I know this may not make sense to you now, but...

Oh, fuck it, I still can't make sense of it. The point is, in Battle Out of Hell, you kill shit. A lot of shit. Shit that looks like clowns, shit that looks like Russian Soldiers, and shit that looks like an armored demon. A lot of shit. But, it's not the list of enemies that makes no sense. No, something makes fighting anthropomorphic popcorn demons seem sane.

What is that, you may ask? Well, reader, it's simple. It's the dumbest plot twist ever written: The person helping you is trying to take over Hell. Yes, Eve, as in Garden of Eden Eve, helps you kill the devil, then, kill Alastor, who steals the devil's power, so she can become the devil. This makes less sense when you consider why she does this. There are three reasons:

1: God chose her destiny, so she had no choice to bite the apple, thus creating sin on the world. Therefore, she wants revenge on Heaven, by destroying it.
2: Samael trusts Eve, and he's a servant of God. Despite this, Eve hates both angels and demons, because they both made her sin.
3: She's convinced that Daniel (who looks even more like Butthead) loves her, despite him killing the devil so he can be at his wife's side. I'll excuse this, mainly because he does go to save Eve.

But, the first two? She sinned because she couldn't help it? Really? According to her logic, we're all destined to not have free will. I've heard this before, and it still sounds as insane as Scientology's beliefs. This would mean that we had no choice in anything in our lives, thus all evil would be destined to exist. No one would have a choice. We'll be so much a fictional universe as this game. How would you feel if at any given moment, you felt you could stop reading this article, but I told you that you had to read on? Guess what? You have to read on!

If you're actually still here, then I should probably tell you that this ends exactly like the first game, Daniel fighting legions of demons. If you're wondering why I'm not talking anymore about Battle Out of Hell, let this be your answer: Painkiller: Overdose. Yes, I actually played through this game, and let me tell you, the title was apt. I actually think the only thing that can cure the headache that game gave me is a painkiller overdose.

I never knew I could hate a game more than Call of Juarez: The Cartel. And it's not just because it's bad. It's because Overdose had the potential to be a good game. It just falls flat because of quite a few aspects, the first being that it's just Painkiller with more linear levels. I'm hard pressed to think of more than two levels where you don't walk in a straight line, kill everything, then walk in a straight line. Can you see how annoying that would get? The levels where it isn't a straight line are the good levels, too. Those are the Slaughterhouse and the Movie Studio.

Those of you who played the game, yes, I'm skipping the Amusement Park as an example of a good level. Mainly because it's the same level as the Amusement Park in Battle Out of Hell, only with a pirate ship in the end instead of a roller coaster ride. Seriously, that's the only difference. Did I mention that the guys who made the original didn't make this one? Yeah, Mindware made this game, and they sure as fuck don't know what the hell they're doing game design wise.

I say that in specific because the character design isn't bad. Of the characters not used in the original game, I fought cops, graffiti artists, geisha girls, burning demons, Cerebus, butchers with cow's heads, movie cut outs (that spawn from film strips), and lighting guys. Oh, and... Frankenstein? What the fuck am I fighting Frankenstein for? Did he steal my Girl Scout Cookies? Figuring that this time around, you're playing as Belial, the half-demon/half-angel child of HATE (which he reminds you of every chance he gets), that may be possible.

Let's talk about Belial. He's a terrible character thanks to the creative teams lacking of creativity. Here's Belial's top ten one liners.

10: Kiss my shiny half demon butt.
9: Kiss my half angel ass
8: Another one bites the dust
7: Taste like chicken
6: I'm a regular Johnny Appleseed
5: ?
4:?
3:?
2:?
1:?

He only has five taunts. He says the same five things over and over until you want to shove your head into a wall. What's more is "I'm a regular Johnny Appleseed," is said when he kills someone. How the fuck does that make sense? Did Johnny Appleseed run around with a shotgun and kill 66 people so he could turn into a demon? Where was this in history class? No, in fact, he was a missionary. Which makes this make even less sense. Was Sylvester Stallone copyrighted? How about "I'm a regular Chuck Norris?"

Even the decorations can be creepy. In the slaughterhouse, phrases like "I'll join PETA, I promise!" and "I'm sorry! I'll never eat meat again!" are scrawled in blood on the walls. The enemies can range here from butchers to pig carcasses made into scarecrows with human heads placed upside down. Also, there are henhouses that spit out demon chickens. What's with the games I'm playing lately and demon chickens?

The story of the game is boring to say the least. Belial is half demon and half angel. Both sides hate him, so Samael locks him away after Cerebus eats his wings. Now, he's free and he wants to kill Samael, presumably by taunting him to death. After he beats Samael, he goes to find Daniel, setting up for the sequel.

The journey, though is puzzling. Did you know that there are aliens in hell? How about Cthulhu demons? Why exactly am I fighting everyone in a riot? Why are cops shooting at graffiti artists? Why does Belial keep telling me that souls taste like chicken?

Most importantly, why does this game exist? I know this is ranting at this point, but quite literally, this game has nothing to do with anything previously seen in the series. I know it was originally a mod, but why did Dreamcatcher feel the need to make this an expansion? They had to have played the thing, and had to have seen that it sucked more than a Clinton Intern and the porn industry combined. I mean, for fuck's sake, 99.9% of the game is going in a line. There's no level design, period. Even when the game has an idea that is somewhat clever, it's ruined by the fact that it's in this game. The game's presence is enough to ruin the few good ideas it has.

Oh, the weapons, too, while I'm ranting. They're "new and improved." They're reskins of the original game's weapons. Instead of a stakegun, you get a... goo launcher? How the fuck does goo become a steak? How does one suck a fuck? How DOES THIS GAME

Sorry. I needed to take my happy pills. Now, you can see why this game makes me want to have an aneurysm. It's the most painful game I've ever had to play, because it ruins the series. But, we have more to come. Stay tuned as I show you what unoriginal fucks Mindware is as they ripoff the game they expanded. Oh yeah, my nightmare's just begun.