Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part One: Painkiller

Usually, when I do these articles, I find a picture that only has little to do with the game I'm writing it on. Believe it or not, this has very little to do with Painkiller. For starters, you never carry a Mauser rifle, not ammo belts. You also never wear a halo, much less rip one off of your head like your Arnold Schwarzeneggar. There's also the fact that your character, Daniel Garner, looks closer to Butt Head than an action star. Finally, there's the fact that you always wear a shirt.

The first question I may get is, "Why is Painkiller a 'Brain Junkfood?' It's not weird!" Well, you're partly right, it isn't weird in the traditional sense. What makes it weird is the fact that the game serves as a diving board for expansion after expansion. I'm only going to cover two of those expansions, which are not the fan made ones. Yes, there are fan made expansions, and they're utter crap. But, I digress.

We should start here, because, well, the expansions won't make sense if we don't. You play as Daniel, a man who died in a car accident, but went to Purgatory while his wife went to Heaven. Samael approaches you, saying God wants you to kill the Devil's four Generals. I've always had a problem with Samael doing this, mainly because being a messenger was never his role. He has been the Angel of Death, a guardian angel of Esau, Patron of the Roman Empire, and even in league with the Devil, depending on what lore you go by. Hell, his name means "Drug of God," and he is married to Lillith in Kabbalah, but not after mating with the Angels of the Sacred Prostitution. And yet, he's just a messenger here? What, was Gabriel busy? I know Michael is the patron Saint of soldiers, as well as the head of the Angelic Army, but I'm pretty sure he'd be better at doing this than Samael.

Anyway, you go and set off to kill the four giant bosses. The first is a giant in a graveyard, but he's fought four levels after you had left the graveyard. The map Samael gave you is apparently the same on Bugs Bunny uses that tells him to make those wrong turns in Alburquerque. After killing the NecroGiant, you meet Eve. Yes, that Eve. She helps you find the next boss, Swamp Thing the Toad-Man. I feel like I mashed two superheroes into one giant boss.

If you haven't noticed, Daniel can't read his map. I can relate, because I don't understand how a board with a spinning wheel of drawings is a map. Yet, Eve and Samael read it perfectly fine. This happens in every cut scene in the game. When Daniel kills Swamp Toad, Eve and Osmodeus (yes, a demon) read Daniel's map for him. It's not that he's illiterate, the map is actually a child's toy. More proof that Samael was just fucking with Daniel's head.

Osmodeus leads Daniel to Alastor, the Devil's right hand man. After a long battle, Osmodeus shows that he is, in fact, the devil, and kidnaps Eve. Samael tells Daniel that his work is done, but Daniel wants to go to hell to save Eve. Hesitant, Samael points the way, and Daniel fights through hordes of monsters to Hell, an eternal Battlefield, to fight the Devil. After the devil dies, Alastor comes up to show that he wanted Daniel to kill the devil all along, and that he will torment Daniel as Hell takes over Heaven. Too bad this is the exact same thing the devil said when you killed Alastor.

What sets Painkiller apart is the weapons. Sure, you have a minigun/rocket launcher and a shotgun/freeze ray. But, a Stake Gun? A Lightning Cannon that shoots Throwing Stars? A flamethrower/assault rifle? All to take out ninjas in opera houses and puking sailors. Oh, and amputees, as well.

There is a massive problem with the game, though. It's nearly impossible to beat. It's not because it's hard (and it is hard). There's a bug in the second to last level that if you don't hit all of the check points in order, you cannot finish it. And the checkpoints randomly disappear before you get to them, too.

Despite this, Painkiller is one of my favorite shooters. There was a console port, but it's only 10 of the 50 levels in the game. They cut out a lot of the content that made the game as addictive as it is. And it took me a while to even beat it, mainly because I just now got a computer that can run it well.

I hate to keep this one short, but I'm saving my writing for the ones that need it the most. Believe me, they're coming up real soon. Keep tuned in as I fight my way out of Hell.