The Summer Movies of 2010

Hey all! Just taking some time off from working on my next Horrid Horror Movie Review (no clue what it's going to be yet, but the one's I've mentioned before are coming) to let you all know my thoughts about some of the upcoming movies for the summer, as well as one that is all ready out. Some of you may know that I love going out to see a movie, especially on a day when the theaters are empty. Figuring that Blockbuster season is around the corner, maybe something will peak my interest?

Movie #1: Kick-Ass

I adamantly refuse to see this movie, and for a few reasons, and all of them revolve around either the cast, or (unusually) the violence. I find the cast not only completely unlikable, but unbearably bad at acting. It's the same reason I almost didn't see Zombieland: I can't stand Jesse Eisenburg. With Kick-Ass, though, it's Hit-Girl that kills it for me. The way I was raised, if I said some of things she says in that movie at that age, I would have a bar of soap down my throat faster than Sonic the Hedgehog can run to a Skyline from another Skyline just across the street. Then there's the moral complexity of if a 11 year old girl is kicking your ass, is it right to beat her within an inch of her life. Yeah, child abuse is really what I want to see in my movie. I don't care if she's beating the hell out of you, it's not right to nearly kill a kid that a grown up could easily subdue. Oh, then they give her guns. Smart, we live in a society where children are shooting each other up, and this movie makes light of it by giving a foul-mouthed brat a gun. This is supposed to be funny? I'm not laughing.

Movie #2: The Losers

I almost wanted to see this movie, only because Jeffery Dean "The Comedian" Morgan was in it. I mean, the man is badass, yet likable when He needs to be. In Supernatural, he sells his soul to his worst enemy to save his son's life. What's his next move after that? Playing the superhero everyone loves to hate: The Comedian in Watchmen. He did it with such vigor and emotion, that the audience both hated him, but felt sorry for him. Now, he's playing Clay in the movie adaptation of "The Losers?" I'm sold!

That is until we're treated to Zoe Saldana playing Aisha al-Fadhil. A "Latina" actress that looks, if anything, African American, playing an Afghani rebel. Right, you even forgot the eyebrow piercing, too. So, you have the token "hot girl" (for the record, I don't find Saldana attractive, she looks CGI'ed). What next? Oh, of course she has to strip down and have sex with one of the team members for no reason! Why not? You can't get her race right, go ahead and make her a completely different character! Don't write her under the pretense that its the same character when the only thing the same is the name. Finally, the stupid comedy in the trailer killed it. "I'mma shoot you!" *points and snaps fingers as two guards fall dead. Camera zooms in on a sniper across the street* Cue laugh! Where I saw this at, it was cue the eyeroll.

Movie #3: A Nightmare on Elm Street

I will see this, only to see how different it will be from the original. I loved the original. Robert Englund is perfect as Freddy, and it was written scary enough that it does crawl under your skin. It didn't need CGI or lighting so dark, you can't tell who's who. This one seems to rely on all of those, though. We also get another Watchmen alum, Jackie Earl Hayley, playing Freddy. This time, Freddy sounds like Rorschach, and seems to act like him, too. At least he was different in Shutter Island.

Movie #4: The Expendables

"Stallone, Willis, and Schwartzenegger walk into a room," used to be the start of a Hollywood joke. This movie makes it happen. Sure, it looks cheesy and dumb, and Stallone looks like mashed potatoes on steroids, but that's what action movies are supposed to be. Also, look at the bad guys. Eric Roberts? He's always smarmy and dirty looking to the point that I want to punch him in the face. Steve Austin? I want to see him get his ass handed to him. But, the one guy who will take the cake: David Zayas as the evil dictator. David Zayas plays the likable detective Angel Batista on the show Dexter. It's the only thing I've seen him in, and I can't imagine him playing the bad guy. I said the same thing about Gary Oldman, too, but The Book of Eli made me eat those words. This might mean that David Zayas will be evil enough to save this movie.

Movie #5: Predators

I'm a fan of the Predator series. So you better believe I'll see this. Derek Mears as a Predator should be awesome (especially after watching him in both The Hills Have Eyes movies). But, there's something off about this movie... something that makes me laugh every time I see the trailer. This movie expects us to take Adrian Brody and Topher Grace seriously as tough guys. The second I saw Adrian Brody with a chaingun, I busted out laughing. He looks scared that it's going to rip his arms off-- hell, he always looks scared! And Topher Grace, as we all know, played Venom in Spider-Man 3. You know, because Venom is now a beanpole. If either of them survive in this movie, expect an angry review... unless it's actually really good anyway.

Movie #6: The A-Team

I love it when a plan comes together. This was not my plan, though. Liam Neeson is awesome, but the role of John "Hannibal" Smith seems too far above him. George Peppard had that calm insanity that Neeson can't even come close to. Bradley Cooper as Templeton "Faceman" Peck. Really? He looks like an alien, even in Midnight Meat Train. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. Baracus. B.A. should not use words like "homey." I also find having "PITY" tattooed on one hand and "FOOL" on the other utterly corny, especially for a "serious, gritty" movie. I have a feeling that Rampage has something to do with Mr. T turning down a cameo, even just a little bit. I will give credit where it's due, though. Sharlto Copey seems like the only cast member who knows his character. From what I've seen, he's awesome as H.M. Murdoch.

I know there's some I forgot, and I'll get back to those. And no, they aren't Twilight or Sex and the City 2, either. God, people... I'm not that mentally damaged... yet.