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Before we tear into this piece of crap, let me put up a "disclaimer" of sorts. There are things, both in this movie and review, that will happen that will deter some of my readers. One instance, which we'll get into later, is so disturbing and disgusting that if it wasn't done so horribly bad, I wouldn't be writing this review. I said in my last review that I hit a run with some movies where they can't be made fun off because they're actually good or because the horror scenes are, even in context of the bad movie, done and written to a point where they actually are disgusting and disturbing enough to not be bad. I sited the movie Amusement in both of these. The climax of it has two women chained up, one on either side of a room, both of them cut open, organs spilling out. The killer prods one of them, teasing the final girl with the soon to happen death. This goes on for quite a few minutes, and is actually nauseating to watch, until the twist is revealed. Because of this, though, the twist is surprisingly effective. Late Fee has a few moments like this... one in particular, but they fall flight due to being pulled off incredibly badly. With out further ado...
We begin our movie with a couple who are never named. Even in the credits, they're credited as "Boy" and "Girl" despite the fact that she looks like a Bulimic Tory Lane and he looks like Brian Posehn. What a couple, a porn star and a nerd comic... only in this movie. They go to the video store late on Halloween night, trying to find some actually scary horror movies. This is where the never mention a better movie rule gets broken. In the background, we several Anime titles, as well as Tokyo Gore Police, Wicked Lake, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead (Original), The Number 23 (seriously, that movie is better than this shit), and finally, Terror Toons. Yes... Terror Toons is better than this, mainly because the writers of that one knew the idea was poorly executed. This movie actually tries to be serious. Anyway, the manager, dressed as the Devil, reluctantly lets them in, despite his party, full of people dressed as monsters, has started. The couple finds two movies, Damnation and The Pick-Up. The devil won't let them rent them, unless they sign a contract in blood saying that they have to return the movies by midnight.
They go home to some trick or treaters wanting candy. The Girl throws it at them, then berates them for some reason. As they sit down to watch The Pick-Up, the doorbell rings, but it is actually no one. Before we get into the first "movie" let me point out that the room is littered with posters for The Audition, Zombi 2, and Ichi the Killer. In fact, they liked Ichi so much that they have two posters. And seven Zombi 2 posters, too. Dear me, I think I heard Takeshi Miike scream in anger out of him having two movies referenced, and still beat out by Zombi 2. I know I did. The movie begins with a woman walking on the highway, and being picked up by a nerdy looking guy. After bickering about her smoking and not being a red head all while hinting that he's going to kill her, they drive to a hotel where a guy that looks like Timothy Stack but acts like a bad Jim Carrey impersonator directs the car into a parking spot. This guy tries so hard to be funny that the director decides to show every thing he does twice. Maybe it was pity, because I have no idea why this Dick's even in this movie.
The hotel manager explains that the room is meant for the man's pleasure, and he should not worry because he'll personally attend to the man's DNA. The manager was a hair short of saying "I will clean your *** for free! By the way, does the audience get the point that she's a hooker and this guys going to fuck her then kill her?" The man goes inside, tells the woman not to worry about the fantasy, and to just get ready. He undresses, and opens his suitcase, showing such killing implements as a set of knives and a rubber dildo. She comes out, and seduces him... but he requests that the lights be turned off. Meanwhile, the manager watches via peephole, and bars the door shut.
The guy is getting ridden, and decides to turn on the light. He sees that the woman's legs are actually tentacles, cue the song "Spiderpussy" by Pornosonic (yes, that's Ron Jeremy in a band). Cue disturbing, yet very badly done scene # 1. She reaches inside her self, and pulls out if penis, throwing it in an ice bucket... all while it's still erect and not bleeding. Oh, and she's still boinking him. The next morning, she talks to the manager, only to find that two guys are lost and need directions. She goes with them while the manager cleans the body up by putting it in a bag and tossing it just a mile away from the highway, and right next to the escort the guy was actually supposed to get. You know, Dexter uses a boat and the ocean to hide bodies, and he was never caught. He even had James Doakes to frame... sort of.
The intermission is Girl saying how the woman is awesome because she killed a guy who bought her for sex, and he deserved it. Umm... okay... what about the fact that he planned to fucking kill her?! Seriously, something I learned when reviewing Teeth: not every woman, feminist or not, wants to see guys get a penectomy. Why do horror writers think that's a woman's dream? Anyway, the doorbell rings again, but its no one. Boy orders a pizza, and then they watch Damnation. Okay, so its not the game... but its almost as bad. Well, the game is almost as bad as this short.
Here we meet Justine, the first character to get a name in this movie. While driving home for her child's birthday, she gets pulled over by Elsa, She Wolf of the Highway Patrol. Elsa arrests her for some reason, then searches the car. Finding nothing, she punches the cake. Stephanie is so gonna have to choke a bitch. Justine is drugged, then awoken by a hose. She is then taken to a judge, who is surprised that she has no defense. Justine, being the moron she is, doesn't realize that courts have people that clean the building, and that this is actually a warehouse, chews out the judge, despite Elsa slightly nudging her every so often to stop her. Oh, lest I forget, Elsa and the judge (and the doctor later on) are played by the same three people from the last short! Anyway, the judge sentences Justine to death, and she is put in a cell where the woman next to her wakes her up by doing Justine's hair.
Elsa lays down the rules, which Justine breaks immediately by yelling at Elsa. Elsa then says that the Warden has come for an inspection. When he shows up, Elsa searches Eugenie (the cell next door) for contraband. This is when we find out that she's pregnant. Elsa searches Justine... meaning she repeatedly rubs Justine's breasts. This wouldn't be funny except that Justine is the anorexic spitting image of Lisa Ann. For those of you curious as to why I've been referencing porn stars (this is the fourth one on this blog), its not what you think. Lisa Ann is infamous as the porno version of Sarah Palin (which, I heard about from a friend before finding out on CNN). Everyone knows Ron Jeremy. Regan Reese was suggested as a reference for one of my characters, Gomorrah, by a friend of mine. And Tory Lane... well, I have Playboy to thank for that, and even then, that's not what you think it is. Anyone who knows me knows this, too. Just look at my Deviant Art, and you'll know. Besides, I'm sure this movie knows them, too, because the scene ends with Eugenie and Justine in the shower. Eugenie asks for some soap, and the Warden hands it to them. Oh, and the Warden is the hotel manager... again!
The next day, Eugenie is taken to a doctor. As she's strapped in, Elsa and the Warden decide Justine's fate. The Doctor flips a switch, causing the female version of the Claudio Sanchez to come out, naked, and sniff around Eugenie's crotch. Cue disturbing yet badly done scene # 2. Eugenie appears eight months pregnant. The feral woman reaches inside Eugenie and pulls out a fetus that appears two months old. Why is Eugenie so big then? Hell, she mentioned earlier in the movie that she was giving birth in two weeks! Now, this isn't all. Brace yourselves, folks. Feral woman realizes that the fetus isn't suckling, so she gets angry, bites the umbilical chord, then eats the fetus before crawling back to her hole.
Reread that if you really want to, but I ain't typing that shit again. A lot of horror films have themes that are meant to bring awareness out on topics. The big example is Friday the 13th being a stand against teens drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sex. Wishmaster had a theme of "don't wish your life away." Hell, even Leprechaun has an antitheft moral. So, what is this, an anti-abortion moral? Out of the blue? Did they think this was effective? Let me put it this way: for the record, the last I checked, this is America, and I can say this. I'm Pro-life, but at the same time, I understand that there are circumstances where this isn't a black and white topic. Abortion has been an ethical gray area for most. You have the extremist pro-lifers that say that a mother who will die giving birth should die because she led a full life (yes, I heard this argument in an Ethics class) or that there's always adoption in the case of not wanting a baby, not being ready for one, or even rape victims who get pregnant. You have others who say that we should protect women's reproductive rights and let women have abortions for no reason. Granted, again, these are both the extreme cases, and there are some in the middle.
Now, here's where I get off, and say that people need to pull their heads out of their asses and think for themselves. I know I have. I was raised to respect all life, born and unborn. Circumstances involving people I know and care about have only enforced this. I've known women who were told they weren't going to have children, and they did anyway. I know at least one woman who found out that they may not be able to have children, but tried everything possible just so they could raise a family. It's because of these people that I take the Pro-Life stand, but it's also because of the unusual circumstances of a mother who may die if she goes full term, or a rape victim who can't support a child nor afford to put one up for adoption that reminds me that I can't judge those who feel it necessary. That, and the fact that I am a man, and I can't bear children.
That being said: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS A MESSAGE ABOUT ABORTION? Sure, Feral Woman rips the baby from the womb, but eating it? It's jarring an senselessly disgusting.
Moving on, Elsa grabs Justine, gussies her up, and sends her for a weekend with a smarmy guy. Smarmy-Man tells Justine that he's going to help her. Oh, one little, minor thing: on the way out, Justine hits the switch that let's Feral Woman out, who promptly kills the doctor, then Elsa and the Warden (who are practicing BDSM while saying that it's ironic that Justine's tracking device went off due to her sentence being "Liberation"). The Smarm-King puts Justine in a room with a porno director and photographer, who start to film a scene were Senor Satanico (...yeah.. Mr. Satan) cuts her up with a chainsaw. Captain Smarm shoots them, and takes Justine to Hollywood where her story will be told. She injects her arm with a sedative (her arm having huge, infected holes from when she was injected before) and the short ends.
Boy and Girl hear the doorbell, and Boy gets it. Thankfully, it's the pizza, but it also makes Girl realize that it's past midnight. Boy realizes just then that the pizza guy was the devil from the video store wearing the costume with a pizza boy hat. Really, movie? The guy wears the devil costume everywhere? Devil and his gang of cronies barge in, break the couples DVD's and stab them with the shards. Well, all except the Wolfman who takes his wang out and pees on everything. The movie ends with the devil putting the movie of the couples' deaths out on shelves and renting it to a little boy (listed as "Little Boy" in the credits), then laughing maniacally.
You can't see it, but I'm hanging my head in shame. I'm ashamed of actually watching this piece of shit. Even Terror Toons and Carnivore-- hell, even Cthulhu didn't make me feel this ashamed. I feel like I punched a puppy while juggling kittens and singing "Baby Got Back" in five part harmony with a cacophony of Lacey Mosely impersonators shrilly whine "You Are Dead" over and over again.
For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to watch Terror Toons, in order to wash this horrible piece of shit from memory.
"DANG DANG TEWWOW TOONS!"
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