Horrid Horror Movie Special Review: H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb

I was originally going to review a movie named Lola, but due to the fact that it wasn't horror (even if it is April Fool's Day), it wouldn't fit. Instead, I am subjected to yet another cruel joke "based" on Lovecraftian lore. I am sure that no one knows how to make a movie based on Lovecraft's stories. Cthulhu was a practice in absolute crap, and was purely offensive to the homosexual audience it was "aimed" at. Now, I have to review a movie that seriously only has 1.5 star rating on IMDB. Seriously, Cthulhu has 4.7 stars. Hell, Carnivore, has 2.3 and Terror Toons has 2.5. When those two movies beat yours on IMDB, you should probably find a more meaningful career in pharmaceutical experimentation. Let's rip our way into H.P. Lovecraft's The Tomb.

We begin our movie with credits made in Adobe Illustrator, then a guy on a horse. He drops a woman, Tara, down a hole, then rides off to taunt her over an intercom. She sleeps until he drops a fat guy, Billy, down the hole. In between this, we have a montage of severed baby doll heads mouthing out words. This review may be shorter than my average HHMR, due to the fact that these damn heads take up over half of the movie. The horseman, named "The Puppeteer," recites "Eight nails, who fails," several times, which somehow cues the couple to realize that someone else is in their with them. We see the Puppeteer write his name in a book, then "sold me a lemon," as we flashback to the guy telling Billy and Tara haw he got there. He's being tortured because he sold the killer a lemon. Sheesh, at least Jigsaw tortured his first victim for killing his unborn child. Killing over a bad car is just petty. What did Tara do, turn him down for prom?

After noticing that he has eight nails in his arm, Billy and Tara rip them out. This causes the guy to bleed to death within a matter of seconds (by the way, the blood looks like red Gak). The Puppeteer orders them to put him in a coffin. After they do, a video comes on over the portable TV, showing the Puppeteer holding an ax, caressing a naked woman with it. It cuts out, and we hear a moan. Tara opens a coffin to find out next victim, Dalida the artist, who turned down a man named Charles Dexter Ward, and is now paying for it. Her flashback causes her to have a seizure (I think), and she dies. Before putting her in a coffin, Billy says that Charles Dexter Ward is a Lovecraft character. Now, I know what you're thinking: "This just broke the fourth wall." Well, it didn't.

You see, it's advertised as being based on the Lovecraft story, "The Tomb." In all reality, it has as much to do with that story as "Prisencolinensinainciusol" does with the English language: nothing. Sure, it makes the passing reference to Lovecraft and his work, but other than that, you could have named this movie "Cheap Generic Saw Knock-Off 45: Electric Boogaloo," and it wouldn't change a thing.

By the way, its time for our next video, complete with the "Eight nails" bullshit and naked woman (the same on from before). This time, we also get a view of his ax as a close up. No joke, this is the ax he uses to injure people. What do you notice about it? The fact that it's obviously a toy? Hell, in the shot, you can even see the plastic seam. Anyway, our next victim comes out, says she was brought here by David Pickman ("Pickman's Model..." Even though that was Richard Upton not "David"), and then she dies, too. Puppeteer taunts them by asking what his name is... baby dolls... yeah.

We get another victim, a bank manager who turned our killer down for a loan. Guess what? She dies, and we get a baby doll, eight nails montage until the next victim, an English teacher, who is there because he flunked a student. The teacher tries to rape Tara, but Billy slowly walks up and pulls him off of her, onto the floor, where a body of our last victim falls on top of him and kills him. Lana is there because she defended herself against an attack, and finds out that Tara realized that the Puppeteer is the grown up man that she nailed into a coffin at the Witch House back when she they were eight years old. Lana attacks Tara, but Billy stops her. He then watches as Tara kills Lana, scolds her, but feels bad after Tara says that it needed to be done. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is thankful that Billy isn't a Supreme Court judge, because if this argument is enough to sway him, imagine what he'd be like on the bench. Lo and behold, Tara kills Billy too, and the Puppeteer opens the door to let her out.

Her prizes are money, a Lovecraft coloring book, and a new car. She drives to a hotel, where she starts reading the book, but is stopped when the Puppeteer opens the door and gives her a choice: have sex with him, or he takes the prizes and leaves her alone. She tells him to go, so he takes the prizes and leaves. She's then reading the book-- what?! Yes, apparently, that didn't happen, because this time he gives her the choice, and she accepts. Then another alternate ending is shown where she kills the Puppeteer, and a narrator tells us we're all savage in nature. Seriously, its like someone put all the alternate endings as one ending.

Do I have to tell you this movie is bad? It's the same formula, victim comes in, dies, gets put in coffin, repeat, over and over again. The prop department looks like they raided a toy store, and it has nothing to do with Lovecraft, other than throwing his name and names of his characters around. I'd say he's rolling in his grave, but I'm sure this just proves his views right that people are evil, sadistic bastards. On that principle alone, he's probably happy this movie was made.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to throw Sackboy Cthulhus at people. Why? Because, he's so cute, he'll drive you insane.