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Wait, what? You want me to talk about this movie? You're joking, right? How much punishment do you think I can take? I reviewed Terror Toons for you people, and still, that isn't enough? Okay... fine. Let's look at the movie that kills not one, but three horror icons' careers: Hatchet.
We start the movie with two red necks, an adult man and his father played by Robert Englund. Robert Englund as a red neck... You know, cause the first time wasn't bad enough, he had to do it again! This was made before Jackie Earl Hayley was cast as Freddy "Rorschach" Kruger, too, so I can't say this is for revenge against Michael Bay. Anyway, his son needs to pee while they hunt for gators, but he can't because he either needs to squat, or needs his dad to call him "queer." As soon as he dad does, we see him start to piss. So does a gator, who tries to bite his "sack off." So... he's peeing with his nuts out? Why? Anyway, as he falls, he manages to put his weiner back in his pants, and as the gator swims off, announces he needs to finish. How in the hell does that work? He pees, stops midstream because an alligator nearly bites off his dick, puts it in, and still has to go? Even if he had time to put it back in his pants, he'd probably piss himself!
He goes to the wood to pee, but hears a noise. He comes back to find Robert Englund (and his career) dead in the boat. Red neck man panics, and is attacked by a man who single handedly rips him apart. Not that nowhere did I say that this man is super powered. During the credits, we see women flashing their breasts at the camera because it's Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street. There are so many breasts in this five minute sequence that I almost became a butt-man. The only reason I didn't is because the last three pairs they show all belong to women that are over 300 lbs each, and it reminded me of how much better the breasts before looked. Then again, showing a picture of a Mancubus from "Doom" would have the same effect.
We then meet Ben, our main character, who, for the sake of my sanity (me being named Ben), I will dub Slim Twiggy, and his friend, Marcus, the token black guy. Twiggy is there because he's getting over his ex, but every half naked woman reminds him of his ex. She dumped him for a football player... which we find out when Twiggy describes them having sex. He tricks Marcus into going to see a man about a late night swamp tour. They see Tony Todd dressed as the bastard child a voodoo priest and Pagliachi. This would be murdered career #2, but Tony Todd has been in other bad movies such as Bryan Loves You and Are You Scared 2 (which is coming up here soon). Anyway, Tony says he doesn't give tours because he was sued. He points them down the road, and they leave.
At the next building, they're greeted by two women vomiting. Marcus makes a pass at them (yes, you read that), and goes inside with Slim. Inside, we meet a porno director and his two starlets, Misty and Jenna. I'm going to rename Jenna (due to the fact that I have a friend named Jenna) to "The Smart One." After they flash the camera, the two argue about how they hate each other. The running gag is that they do this, and Misty usually says the dumbest insults. These arguments include such gems as: Smart One: You know the vibrator goes in your kooch, not your ear, right?
Misty: Why don't you suck off you dad?
Smart One: I will once you're finished.
And:
Smart One: Your "Woo" is so not in the moment.
Misty: Yeah, well your nipples are dumb.
I wish I could say they were the dumbest characters, but they get one-uped by Shawn, the Asian Cajun. Wow... there are so many things with this review that I'd never thought I'd see typed out, much less type them myself. After paying, they go on a boat. On the way, Twiggy mentions that Marcus slept with a woman who had crabs, and should watch out if a woman scratches her crotch. Marcus sits next to the Smart One... who immediately scratches herself. Thanks for keeping it classy. Twiggy sits next to Marybeth, and rambles until she tells him to shut up. Shawn tells them the story of Victor Crowley, but gets upset when Marybeth tells him the actual story. See, Victor was deformed, and his dad hid him from other people. This made people curious, and they eventually "accidently" set the house on fire, and the dad "accidently" hits his son in the face with an axe as he uses it to bash open the door. This means that the ghost of Victor haunts the swamp every anniversary of his death on Halloween. Which is now on Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras is in March.
Shawn drives the boat into a log, and the crew, including two older people, climb off of the boat onto land. The old man gets caught by a gator, and Marybeth shoots it, and the old man's leg. They decide to try to find a way out of the swamp, only to run into the actual Crowley house. The old couple leaves the kids behind, thinking them cowards, and ultimately become Victor's first victims. The kids run, but the porno director gets lost and killed by Crowley. By the way, we never see how, save for the old woman's head getting ripped in half and the director's head being twisted around, anyone dies. The kids find the director, and also find out he's a con man filming his own smut. This causes the Smart One to admit she didn't go to NYU... she then gets killed. We can assume, by looking at her body, that her jaw was ripped off, but who knows?
Twiggy forms a plan to go to the house and set Crowley on fire. Marybeth follows, leaving Misty, Shawn , and Marcus to protect the rear. Misty walks off as Shawn and Marcus tease a raccoon. Meanwhile, Twiggy and Marybeth talk, and it is exposed that Marybeth is the kin to the two red necks in the beginning. After they find some gas, Misty's head is thrown at them. Twiggy splashes gas on Crowley, and lights him on fire. Unfortunately, it starts to rain, putting the fire out, and causing Crowley to come back to life and stab Shawn with a pitchfork. The three remaining kids run into a cemetery, Crowley following. He grabs Marcus, and bashes him against a tomb. By the way... Crowley as killed career #3... Kane Hodder. Crowley is played like Jason Vorhees... but screaming.
Crowley corners Twiggy and stabs him in the foot with a fence pole. Twiggy bends the pole, cutting his foot in half, and impales Crowley. Him and Marybeth find a row boat, and take off, only for her to fall overboard. As she sinks, she sees Twiggy's hand reach out for her. She takes it, gets pulled up, and finds Twiggy dead, his arm now in the hands of Crowley. He thrashes about as she splashes and the camera cuts to black. The end. Seriously, the end... as if they couldn't put an cap on the movie, it ends on a cliffhanger worse than Cthulhu's.
This movie sucks miserably. The humor is flat, the horror has been done, the characters are unlikable, and the script is an insult to horror fans and the icons who were in it. Why was Tony Todd in it? Why was Robert Englund? These two are famous enough that they could make their own movie. There is no excuse for them being in this one.
For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to go for a late night swim in my local swamp... one that's over run by a bad Marvel Comic's movie...
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