Horrid Horror Movie Review: Ghoulies

The '80's were a bizarre time for horror movies. It brought us classics like Evil Dead and Dead Alive, showing us that garden tools are weapons of choice for zombie apocalypses, unless you're a priest. We had the first two Hellraiser movies, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street, setting off classic horror icons. Yet, for better and for worse, the '80's gave us Charles Band. Mr. Band is known mainly for his work in horror films such as the Puppet Master and Demonic Toys series, as well as some off shoot schlock like Dolls and Laserblast, the latter of which Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffed on. And rightfully so, as that movie was a piece of shit. But, he had a style, usually one that involved little monsters creating havoc, be they toys, dolls, puppets, or, if you're English, turd-monsters.

Yes, Charles Band had a movie banned in Britain because the title of it was a slang term for "poop." Can you imagine having a movie banned, not because it was bad, but because it meant "poop" in another country? The designer for the poster had to have known this, too, because the poster for it depicts a monster coming out of a toilet, with the tag line, "They'll get you in the end!" No, this isn't Cthulhu: Uncut with More Gay Sex, this is Ghoulies! And, God, do I have no idea how this got three sequels.

Part of why I'm so flabbergasted by this movie is the fact that the first hour of the movie is fluff with half of that time being a party with the most unlikable people in the world. Oh, and Olivia Benson. This is Mariska Hargitay's film debut, and I swear that I'm still scratching my head as to how she got jobs after this. But, wait until you meet her other co-stars that include a pair of dwarves, a mime, and DICK! On this note, we drop some Ghoulies.

The movie begins like all horror movies: a human sacrifice. The "priest," who looks like Sting on Spice, is attempting to sacrifice an infant, but a mother decides to place a pentagram on the baby to protect him. A random old man grabs the baby and runs away, while Sting decides to sacrifice the woman instead. He then stares at her, more annoyed than willing to kill her. Seriously... why didn't he stop the old man from taking the baby? Why didn't the rest of his cult do anything to help Sting? And why does the old man look like a bad Harry Potter character?

We move forward to the future, where Johnathan Graves and his... girlfriend/sister Rebecca, inherit the house the baby was going to be sacrificed. SPOILER ALERT: Jonathan is the baby. Not really a spoiler, because it's never said, but it comes in handy to know later. They decide to celebrate by having a party with the most ridiculous group of people I've seen in horror movies. Seriously, I've seen Sasha Grey in Smash Cut, I've seen Terror Toons and it's "six year-old" played by a porn star, and I watched Carnivore, with a man who refused to be credited for his role in the movie (and barred a door with a door), and this cast is the weirdest one I've seen in horror movies. How can you beat people who had lines like, "I just kissed the severed head of my dead sister. I'm going to celebrate with some trauma counseling!" and "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" How is that possible?

Well, for starters, you have a character who talks in a high, raspy voice, and refers to himself as Toad Boy, and yet, everyone finds this normal. Also in the party is Beavis and Butthead, Princess Whatshername, Olivia Benson (who is dating Toad Boy), and the womanizing jock. He hits on Princess Whatshername, then, not five seconds, walks up to Benson, and hits on her. She asks who he is. His reply is why I'm not giving a nickname: "People call me Dick. But, you can call me... *grunts* DICK!" As if this wasn't bizarre enough, he is played by Keith Joe Dick. I will reiterate: He's DICK!

Jonathan gets the idea of doing a satanic ritual to summon spirits in his basement. Thankfully, they forgo the Strip Weegee from Terror Toons. Benson is quick to point out that the basement is spooky. She'll grow up to face rapists and sadomaschists, but this basement, and later a backyard, are spooky. After the ritual "fails," the party is disbanded. Jonathan waits until Rebecca leaves to summon the Ghoulies, who only he can see and hear. Yes, the monsters are Al from "Quantum Leap" but uglier. Jonathan starts trying to gain power, and finds the pentagram, which he gives to Rebecca-- hold up! How did he lose the pentagram? Did the old man steal it? That breaded bastard!

One day, Rebecca catches Jonathan LARPing after he summons two midget demon minions. Yep, midget demons. Did I mention that I actually have no fucking clue what is going on at this point? Rebecca leaves him, but comes back after his start to glow, and act like like chameleon eyes. I lost count of how many times his pupils never looked in the same direction. He then hypnotizes her into staying, and calling the rest of the crowd back to have a party.

At dinner, the Ghoulies are eating food with the humans, who wearing sunglasses. Jonathan drinks his wine, and suddenly, the crowd are all in sheets, in a circle, where he does an chant that summons zombie Sting, and then they're back at dinner. Jonathan sends them away to their rooms, while Sting tells the Ghoulies that they work for him. Toad Boy and Benson go to the "spooky" yard, and eventually get murdered by the Ghoulies in the fountain. Beavis and Butthead start smoking a joint, and DICK and Whatshername have the world's quickest sex. DICK goes downstairs, and sees Sting as a woman, who he immediately hits on. Sting wraps his tongue around DICK's neck, and crushes(?) it. Meanwhile, Whatshername is murdered by the world's creepiest mime, who turns out to be a sock puppet in a mime doll.

Beavis goes to get matches for the joint neither of them have smoked, but are high from. The midget demons kill him, drag him outside, then kill a Ghoulie that wants to eat him. Butthead gets mauled by a Ghoulie, and Rebecca wakes up from her trance and starts roaming the house, ripping the necklace off. The Ghoulies all attack her, and she falls down four or five stairs, killing her. Jonathan then jumps the stairs and lives unharmed. How did she die, then? She barely fucking tumbled!

Jonathan notices the dead friends doing the Worm down to the basement, where Sting lurks. Hee hee... Sting's lurking! Sting explains that he is Jonathan's father, and he must die for Sting to be immortal. Jonathan tries to use magic on Sting, but it doesn't work. Suddenly, and I've use that one a lot, the old man from the beginning of the movie comes in, and starts a magic duel against Sting. After a boring climax, Dumbledork and Sting are dead, and the friends are brought back to life. How? Does death just reverse itself if their killer is killed? If so, how come Sting died when the Dumbledork died? They both killed each other, so shouldn't they both be alive? Shit, I just realized what that would mean... the movie would never end.

Luckily, it does. The friends get in their cars and drive off, only to be attacked by the Ghoulies. And only Beavis sees them.

This... what the hell is this? It's not scary or funny. It's insane. It gives insane a bad name! For the life me, I don't know how the DICK to classify this movie, other than what the title means in slang British: Shit.

But, we're not out the DICK woods yet, folks. The rest of this month and some of next month, we'll be talking about "Porn Horror." No, it isn't porn. It's horror movies that involve porn in the plot. And we got a big fat hairy doozy next time.

Until then, this is the Window Keeper signing off to look into the regretful choice of this month's theme. And avoid by DICK puns.