Horrid Horror Movie Review: BreadCrumbs (aka The Hansel and Gretel Massacre)

While I wait for Ron Jeremy's killer tool of doom, we have the pleasure to start "Porn Horror Month" with a bit of a bizarre bang. We have a movie about an aging porn star filming her last movie, even though her scuz-ball director is trying to force her to stay in. They're also getting picked off, one by one, and are being followed by "children." It says a lot to know that these are the normal parts of this movie.

Before we get to the movie, I want to state this here and now. I am familiar with the feminist and political debates over the porn industry, as well as the myths, including the rampant STD's and model abuse. Firstly, I am not going to get into the arguments, feminist or political, in these reviews, except for one instance that will pop up later in this review. As for the myths about STD's and abuse, here's a quote from Smash Cut actress Sasha Grey: " I began my research that month, making my decision absolute in October 2005. On April 17th, 2006 I moved to LA, got tested at AIM and found an agent. I performed my first sex scene on May 1st, 2006 in The Fashionistas 2: Safado. Although I have come a long way since then, many people in society believe that I am a victim. I was not sexually abused. I am not on drugs. The acts I perform are always consensual. I am a woman who strongly believes in what she does - it is time that our society comes to grips with the fact that "normal" people (women especially) enjoy perverse sex. I hope to inspire people from all walks of life, and to collaborate with innovative individuals (bohemians welcome). Many people mistake this thought and believe that I desire all women to do porn and fuck like rabbits, ignoring all health risks. This is not what I preach or believe. Like any business, I take risks in my profession. Anyone considering porn as a career should be fully aware of these risks before jumping in. I am ready to take on any opportunities and challenges that face me as a woman, porn star, and artist."

The AIM testing she's referring to is the STD testing every actor and actress has to do before and after a porn scene. Thanks to the AIM system, the rate of STD's is lower than the general population. On top of that, if anyone is caught with an STD, they are fired from the industry. Recently, the AIM has filed for bankruptcy, the last straw being Wikileaks leaking a list of patients for the clinics. Legally, though, I'm sure, the industry still has to do the testing.

Well, getting off that topic, onto another, vastly more depressing one, lets take a bite out of BreadCrumbs.

We start the movie with a young deputy hanging over a pan, her badge pressed into her stomach. She's killed off screen, and the theme starts. Besides an all right animated opening, we notice that the theme song sounds more like something from A Series of Unfortunate Events. This is pretty convenient , seeing as that's also how I'd describe this movie. I should probably mention that the first scene not only isn't scary, but has shit-all to do with the movie. Why is that? Because it's never mentioned, ever again.

We then meet our cast of porn stars. Before you think I'm excited for this, let's mention our main character, Angie Heart. She's a tall, 50-year old red head, who looks like she's used every drug she could find. Her director, Eddie, keeps hinting that, while this is her last movie, he's not letting her go out of the industry. If the movie was made in the 1970's, when the mob ran the porn industry, I could understand it. This was made in 2011. The mob no longer runs the industry, and forcing a actor or an actress into the industry is, you know, a crime. Seriously, this movie hints that not only does the porn industry still force people to work, but, as we'll see later, it will mention the pay they get, and that's when it get's laughable.

Our cameraman, Chuck looks like Terry Stroud from "One Way Out" had a horrible love clone with Jonathan Coulton. Angie's agent, Jane, looks like Jane Lynch with breast implants. Our make up artist, Nicole, looks like the average nerd girl, in a good way... but wait for her body double. Billy and Dom are our male stars. I thought one of them was a fluffer, but either one isn't in this mysterious anachronistic porno, or, being as it part of the make-up department, Nicole is the fluffer. Weird considering most fluffers are men. Oh, they're going for the rumor of the fluffer giving the male star sexual favors to keep him ready, despite most of the job doesn't involve physical contact. Any, Dom and Billy are skinny dweebs, but I'll Dom credit. He's actually funny.

Then there's Vanity and Skyler. If you can't tell, they're our young actresses. If you couldn't tell that they're going to be petulant, Skyler shrieks that she has no phone reception, and Vanity makes fun of Angie's age. Do I need to mention that would never happen? Anyway, the crew almost runs over two children, Henry and Patti. Our children look like adults. In fact, Henry is played by an actor who graduated from NYU School of Dramatic Arts. His character is supposed 16, Patti is 14. They both between 19-22. It's Terror Toons all over again (this was supposed to be a kid!) The crew is decidedly creeped out, and drive away from the "kids."

They arrive and party, while Angie goes outside to fondle a cigarette. That's not an innuendo, that's what she does. She eventually sees a doll and Patti. She tries to give the doll to Patti, but a howling wolf scares her. I mention wolf, because Angie says it's a, I wish I was joke, raccoon. Patty runs off into the woods, and Angie goes inside. Chuck jumps over a small fire, and wins a bet. His prize is Nicole flashing him. We don't see this, though. We see her body double from a distance. Her body double is a man with a huge beer belly.

As they sleep, Dom, decides to talk to Angie about his scene with her, being as it's his first scene in porn. Chuck tells him to go score because she's ready. Dom's reply is simple and eloquent: "You're a douche." He sees Angie and Jane, who lead him on as if they didn't see him, and start making out, tricking him. He then walks away like he didn't mean to be there, rendering the scene pointless. The filming is going to start the next day, though!

They start filming the world's most boring porn scene in the world with the worst actors. Seriously, they had to be told what "doggy style" was. Thankfully, the scene is interrupted when Eddie catches Henry watching them, and chases him into the woods. He looses Henry and shouts, "Screw you! *wait* Not you!" I am baffled. Eddie is not only the director of the porn, but also the film's director. I'm pretty sure he was saying "Not you!" to someone who walked by on their "closed set" who happened to take offense to Eddie's shouting.

That night, Angie and Dom are prepping for a scene when she sees Henry. He warns her of the Woodsman, and she goes inside after he lifts up the doll's dress and points at her crotch asking if that's how she "plays." She comes in, but Eddie locks Dom out until he remembers his line. My initial joke was, "what's so hard about a pizza delivery guy saying, 'How's the big sausage?'" It wouldn't work, because that's one of his lines, along with "You like that big sausage. Yeah!" Sadly, he is later found hanging in the shed, bleeding to death. The crew bring him back inside, and all but him and Angie go for help.

As they go through the woods, Eddie is shot by an arrow in the hand, and Jane takes two in the back and her neck. Chuck falls into a pit and dies, and Henry grabs Skyler's wig, and she turns to get it back. She's later killed by Henry and his cookie cutter, but not before he rips her shirt open, I guess to see if it was in fact her getting humped earlier.

As the survivors regroup in the cabin, Billy realizes that the first aid kit is in the van. He goes out to get it, Vanity following. They get trapped in the van when Patti pops up. She then hides under the windshield, somehow tricking Billy into thinking that she vanished. As they run inside, Henry kills Vanity by slitting her throat, causing her skin to turn bright red. Oh! I'm sorry, it was just very bad CGI blood. My mistake for expecting the special effects team to use half of a fucking brain. Billy grabs Patti by the hair and takes her hostage.

I'm not going to get to detailed with this part, because most of it is them arguing over whether they'll kill Patti or not. They hold her for collateral when Angie finds that the cell phone received a call. Her, Nicole, and Billy go to the top of the cabin to get a signal, which leads to Nicole getting shot by an arrow that pins her to the door. Meanwhile, Patti flips Jane over, which causes the arrows to go through her chest. Hence the argument of kill or not begins. Angie manages to get Patti out of the cabin, which leads to her being caught by Billy, and told by Eddie that she wasn't going to leave the industry because he knew she couldn't afford to leave, financially.

And here, I call what it is. Male stars average salary for porn is roughly $40,000 a year. From the male stand point, I can see the "no money" argument. Female stars make $100,000-250,000 a year, not including appearances at clubs and signings. The point being, unless she spent everything, she could leave and be stable. Let's also not forget that by forcing her to do porn, he is essentially raping her.

Anyway, they toss her outside, and as Patti finds her, Henry kills Billy with an ax. He chases Eddie, who eventually falls down a hill, missing every rock until Henry crushes his head with one. Patti leads Angie to the woods where Henry meets them. They tie Angie up to a tree, and explain that because Patti knows what sex is ("girls mature more faster than boys"), and because she was going to have sex, she lives in a house of candy. This means that she's getting something she likes, and must die. Uh...

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... Huh. I know she wasn't there for the whole, "you're not quitting the job you obviously despise" speech, but, the question needs to be asked: What the fuck is she talking about? Rape is candy? I'm not making a joke, that's seriously what I'm getting from this movie! It's fucking appalling.

She manages to escape, only to get caught by Eddie. Henry rekills Eddie with an ax, and chases Angie to a cabin, then to a beach. Angie gets Henry to not kill her by telling him that she's their Mother. Confused, he tries to kill Patti, but is distracted when Angie runs away, leaving him screaming, "MOMMY!" in a shrill voice. She runs through the woods, and finds a trailer, but no one is home. She gets in the truck, but sees an old man standing in front of it. She thinks he's the woodsman Henry, the insane killer was telling her about. So, she's taking the creepy kid's word for it, after he tried to kill her? Multiple times? Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee?! Anyway, she passes out in the woods, and Patti and Henry find her. The end.

Did the people behind this piece of horse shit ever hear of research? Most of the research I did for this review was from my research for a character in a comic book, as well as from an HBO series. Two quotes I got from the internet. Instead of actually doing research, this movie goes with the archaic myths about it's theme, going so far as to suggest that the rape victim liked getting raped. Let's not mention the children being adults., and Nicole's stuntman. The only thing good I can give it was at least we saw Skyler topless, only for the sheer fact that she wasn't fake.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to find a pornstar hunting zombies. Before we see our hairy menace, that is.