Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-Ho-Horrible Holidays Part 3: Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

Let's talk about a good horror movie for a second. I 1989, Charles Band and his small movie company, Full Moon Entertainment made a low budget classic named Puppet Master. The movie was about puppets that were brought to life by their creator, Andre Toulon, who killed himself after hiding the puppets to keep the secret out of the hands of the Nazis in WWII. As the series progressed, the puppets went from being evil, killing seemingly innocent people, to good, defending innocent people from harm.

In 1992, after the sequel hit, Charles Band decided to cash in on the gimmick, and make the incredibly dull Demonic Toys. The characters were unmemorable, and the monsters bordered on obnoxious. Needless to say, Puppet Master spawned seven more sequels, and Demonic Toys had one.

Unless you count the crossover made for the Sci-Fi channel. Oh, yes... I'm scraping into that barrel now. Normally, I'd avoid it, seeing as picking on the Sci-Fi channel is like picking on an illiterate deaf-mute paraplegic with a terminal illness, but this movie warrants it. After all, these are the same people who brought us "Lexx," a show about alien sex, and the name change to "SyFy," thus making it even more futile to teach our children English because we're going to fuck it up anyway. Also, Santa, being the fat failure (WARNING: Very Not Work Safe) he is brought this stocking stuffer of shit instead of something good. Without further ado, let's tear into Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys.

We enter the Toulon Doll Hospital where Corey Feldman--

Hold on, my brain just came to a screeching halt. Picture this: Corey Feldman wearing a painted white wig and granny glasses. Keep in mind that he's 33 at the time of production, and the SyFy channel doesn't have the budget to make him look older than by a painted wig. Now, imagine that his daughter, who is supposed to be 15, looks the same age as he does. Done laughing yet? They're our heroes!

He asks his daughter, Alex, if she's done making the "bitch," then says he meant "batch" but was thinking of her mother. Turns out that Feldman and Alex are the remaining Toulons, and they were working on a mixture to bring the puppets to life. By mixture, I mean blood and vodka. I'm dead serious. What's more is that it somehow works. Much to Feldman's chagrin, the evil Erica Sharpe is at Sharpe Toys Headquarters, watching them via Ladybug Cam. It's important to note that we only know where the bad guys are because they show us two different signs in the same shot.

As Feldman introduces the puppets to Alex, Sharpe and her lacky tell their teenaged secretary that the board of directors want to meet her since she's a virgin. Not thinking this is in the least bit bizarre, she follows. I'm not buying this whole virgin thing due to her being dressed like a sexy school girl. Whose her boss, Larry Flynt? Anyway, Sharpe invites her to "play with her toys." This would be kind of hot if it weren't for two things: 1: Erica Sharpe's lips seem to be a constantly growing parasite that's feeding off of the rest of her face. 2: Riff Raff leering at them from not even two inches away.

Oh, she actually meant "toys." Ends up that Baby Oopsie-Daisy, Jack Attack, and Grizzly Teddy attack her until Sharpe puts her in an iron maiden to sacrifice her to Ba'al. Oh, I'm sorry, the Sci-Fi channel didn't have the budget to use a real demon. Bael, who ends up being a guy in a Halloween mask (what is this-- I don't even...) explains that Erica's father sold his soul to bring her toys that were evil. Sharpe wants the puppets now, and promises Bael Alex Toulon if she can keep Feldman for herself, as well as the puppets. Bael agrees, and she sends Riff Raff and two guys to rob the Toulon's.

The burglars break in while Feldman and his "daughter" are asleep. The toys fight the burglars, causing such a noise that Feldman comes down, and gets knocked out. Six Shooter accidentally starts a fire, which causes the burglars to rush off. Alex puts the fire out, awakens her "dad," and finds the puppets knocked out. A police woman, pointing her gun at them, comes down, and Feldman explains that it was just an accident. He gets her number, and she drives off.

The next day, Feldman finds the Ladybug cam. Alex traces the serial number to Sharpe, and Feldman calls the police woman. She tells him she's on her way to Sharpe's, which makes him think that they're working together. He takes the puppets and Alex to her grandmother's house, and leaves Alex to make more of the formula so he can investigate.

He sneaks into Sharpe's building, and by "sneaks," I mean, casually walks in the backdoor. After being spotted by Riff Raff and Baby Oopsie, a chase scene ensues. Feldman, running like his arms are tied to his torso, somehow manages to outrun the baby doll who has the power of fart-flying. Luckily, he finds the police woman. Unluckily, he's accusing Sharpe in front of her charity, which forces the police woman to threaten him with mace... twice. She escorts him out, but lets him go if he promises to go home.

Alex figures out that Sharpe is evil because her logo matches that of a metal band who claims to worship Satan. Upon that revelation, Feldman decides to use her blood for the mixture, asking her if she's a virgin... and eyeballing her like he wants to fix that. Way to stay in character.

Later that night, while Feldman and Alex repair the puppets, police woman breaks into the Doll Hospital, only to be attacked by the toys. She then finds the house Feldman is squatting in. How did she find it that fast? "Detective work." Oh! Well that explains everything... except the fact that no one knew where they went. After meeting the newly enhanced cyber puppets, police woman decides to stop Sharpe from awakening the toys on Christmas day by breaking into her office and killing her with the puppets. This goes bad as she's knocked out by Baby Oopsie, and the puppets and Alex are taken by Sharpe's goons.

Feldman gets attacked by Oopsie, and wakes up in Sharpe's office. Sharpe tries to seduce him, but the puppets are making too much noise. She leaves to sacrifice another secretary (aren't they losing money by this? For that matter, how come the police hasn't asked about the missing secretaries yet?) so that Bael can fondle Alex. The puppets attack Feldman's guards when Riff Raff gives him the elevator key. Jack Attack then screams so loud that Riff Raff's eyes explode. The toys cut Jack Attack in half and tie him to the metal box.

Police woman, always eager to shoot something, almost kills Feldman in the elevator. She then joins him as they go to the basement. Here, we finally get what we're waiting for. Jack Attack attacks Jester, who bashes him in the face with his new mace. Blade filets Grizzly Teddy. Six Shooter misses every shot at a guard, while police woman hits him. Pinhead throws Oopsie into a pit. And Feldman, who has a gun, opts to tackle a guard instead of shooting him, until Pinhead lightly knocks on the guard's head, before getting shot by the dying guard. By the time this is done, Bael notices that Christmas has come, and takes Sharpe's soul. After an awkward scene of the police woman asking Feldman and Alex over for dinner, we see Baby Oopsie come out of the pit from Hell to say, "Merry Christmas my ass, and Crappy New Year!"

This movie sucks like a nuclear powered Hoover. The acting is horrendous, the casting is questionable, and the plot could have been executed in an hour instead of 88 minutes. This means we have 28 minutes of nothing going on, except for awkward innuendos from a woman with a permanent duck face and a washed up child star to his "daughter." It's a disgrace to the legacy of Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, which is funny considering that one doesn't have a legacy to begin with!

Well, that rounds up the Holiday Horror theme. Next week, I'm going to have a movie that has got to be crappy. Thankfully, it'll be somewhere warm, too...

In all seriousness, have a happy holidays, a Merry Christmas, and a safe and Happy New Year! This is the Window Keeper, signing off to hide under the tree with some milk and cookies. This will be a challenge figuring my tree is only a foot tall... huh.