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No, fuck it. I'm not doing this. I have done Terror Toons while my brain was filled with images of poorly animated cartoons, Feed while suffering from the flu, and The Human Centipede. But, this... I can't call this a movie because it's only an hour long... Why, God? Why was ThanksKilling made?
To prove that we're in the right movie, it starts with a close up of an older woman's boob. After a minute, we pan out to find out that it belongs to porn star Wanda Lust, who is dressed as a pilgrim woman. Before you even think of asking, don't. It's never explained why she's topless, much less why the only breasts we see belong to an older porn star. As she's being chased by a monster, we occasionally see through a purple POV. At first, I thought this was "Boob Vision," but it's actually "Turkey Vision." She trips, and the turkey kills her after saying the most clever one-liner it could think of: "Nice tits, bitch." Ooh! I can do better! "Pass the breast meat." Ooh! I can do even better! I could not write this script! See how simple that was?
After the credits, which should've been headlined by the most AWESOME NAME EVER: General Bastard, we meet Chandler from Friends, who's our jock, and Fatass McGlobicus, who rips open his shirt to show the world his manboobs. Suddenly, old porn star boobs are looking very appealing. His reason is to get a girl to flash her "glorious, big tits." No one got the memo, because the only girl who flashes anyone is an "A" cup, and is wearing her bra. I will refer you to this conversation between Dexter and Deb Morgan for this girl's nickname. Seeing as she's not English, I guess we'll have to go with the former.
The other girl, um... Average Girl, gets disgusted and tells Little Miss Pardon My Tits to cover up. "It's Thanksgiving, not... titsgiving." Two minutes into the movie, and "tits" are mentioned seven times. That's gotta be a record. LMPMT tells Average Girl that Chandler likes them, she likes her "glorious boobaes!" and that she knows Average Girl does too. Suddenly, I am very disturbed... and very curious of what this has got to do with anything whatsoever! We meet our last guy, the Nerd, who slobbers at the sight of Chandler. Suddenly, this movie went from stupid to being about as weird as the "Twilight" phenomenon.
Elsewhere, a redneck is walking his dog, Lassie, (later known as "Flashy"), and musing about being a lonely hag. I shit you not, he calls himself a hag. So I don't have to skip around, Flashy pisses on Turkey's totem pole, and the Turkey kills Flashy after proclaiming, "I'm pissed." Redneck then finds the Turkey and talks to him about it. You know, because... who doesn't talk to talking turkeys with fucking axes! Redneck then vows to kill the villainous fowl. Sorry, my mind went to a better place. You know, the Adam West "Batman" series.
Back to what our movie calls "heroes," Fatass makes a joke about Nerd's Mom's poon, which confuses Pardon-My-Tits. Average Girl says she's thankful to be healthy, to which Fatass retorts with, "Gay!" Chandler, in his best '50's Sitcom Dad voice says, "No. Not gay at all." Nerd summons the lack of acting prowess of Martin Lawerence's evil clone, and claims that he's going "buck wild" and going to do "sexings" to "someone in this car." Pardon-My-Tits says, "Not me, I'm a prune." I'm sure she meant "prude." Average Girl shoots back with: "You're like harder to check than the JonBenet Ramsey case." Everyone laughs... for some reason. The actual line is, "Your legs are harder to shut than the JonBenet Ramsey case." I only know this, because she says is again later, and somehow its even more funny to the kids. As if it wasn't tasteless enough, Nerd still later claims that Pardon-My-Tit's legs are harder to close than JonBenet Ramesy's legs. For those of you who don't know, JonBenet Ramsey was a six year old beauty queen who was murdered back in 1996. The case is still unsolved. Yet, the truly sick thing is that this movie, not only makes fun of the case not being solved, but kind of also hints that she was a slut at the age of six.
Let me be serious here for a second. I don't like the idea of six-year-olds being entered in beauty pageants. It's a little disturbing to me. But, making a joke like this is just plain sick, and unfunny. The writers should really, really be ashamed of themselves for this. Imagine if someone said that about their children. That being said...
We meet Average Girl's parents: Sheriff Stereotype and Stepmom. Stepmom takes a dook in Sheriff Stereotype's coffee and says she wants a divorce. Stereotype says "All right, then." He then talks on the phone with AG, overhearing that Fatass wants a beer tossed to him. Stereotype gets upset. Why? The drinking? No, because tossing and driving is illegal. Then, this happens: "Oh, by the way, your step mom left me. Bye!" Yeah... not funny.
The car breaks down, making Pardon-My-Tits happy, but Average Girl either sad or happy depending on where the camera is. They decide to party there until Nerd finds the "Crawford" sign. He tells the story of how pilgrims dishonored an Indian, and one necromanced a Turkey to kill all white people. Suddenly, this movie turned into Spike Lee's wet dream. Anyway, the story has to be true, because "Turkeyologists" around the world study it. Average Girl goes to talk to her dad on the phone again, but is scared away when the Turkey calls her a "meanie." Everyone but Chandler thinks she's crazy, even after a bunny flies into the fire. In fact, Pardon-My-Tits thinks this is the cutest thing ever.
The next morning, Redneck is standing over Fatass after the Turkey dropped its Cocoa Puffs on his chest. I would say this is a euphemism, but I'm sure that's what happened. Chandler comes out and asks the Redneck an eloquent question, "Whose this creep, sir?" Redneck explains that the Turkey is killing again, and the kids drive off. Now Chandler thinks the Turkey is fake, but everyone else believes it. Twinkie House! Meanwhile, the Turkey stops a guy in a car, who tried to have sex with the Turkey. Why not? I mean, you've done everything else in this piece of shit! Oh, look, the Turkey pulls a gun out of its ass and shoots the guy.
After dropping everyone off, Chandler goes to talk to his estranged father. Estranged for two weeks, despite the fact that the movie makes it seem like years. The turkey kills both of the parents, causing Chandler to be worried about food. Meanwhile, Pardon -My-Tits is having the safest sex one can have: sex while covered up. Turkey kills the guy, then rapes and kills her. Of course, she doesn't notice that the Turkey raped her until it kills her. Ah, comedy gold... if you have no soul. Chandler and the rest of the Scooby gang find her house, but the only evidence of what happened was a feather they found inside of her, and an "extra small, gravy flavored condom." Average Girl gets the idea of going to her dad to find a book on killer turkeys.
In speaking of Turkey, Turkey visits Stereotype, who thinks that Turkey is actually a 510 year-old midget. After an awkward conversation, Turkey kills the stereotype, and wears his face to answer the door for Average Girl. Why she knocked on her own door is beyond me. Even more beyond me is why no one notices that the Turkey is not her dad. After a montage, Nerd finds a book that says they need to take the Turkey's talisman, say a Satanic chant backwards, then burn him at a stake. A hungry Fatass decides to go to the kitchen, and finds Turkey dragging off the Sheriff. He puts the Turkey in a choke hold, allowing Chandler to grab the talisman. The Turkey escapes. Fatass, annoyed at his friends for not killing the Turkey right then, goes out, finds a cartoon turkey, and eats it. The Turkey bursts out of Fatass's stomach, saying, "Gobble gobble, motherfucker!" Nerd finds Fatass, and they have a two minute long goodbye scene to the "Turkey Killed My Best Friend" song.
The remaining kids find the Turkey's Teepee, and tie him up, allowing them to do the chant. The Turkey tries to escape, but Redneck shoots the Turkey into a dumpster. After judging the Turkey dead, the teens decide to go on with life like nothing ever happened. Meaning, they forgot about their dead family, and Chandler and Average Girl have sex in front of Nerd. All while Turkey bastes in a dumpster of radioactive waste. In a residential area.
Nerd goes into the kitchen, and the Turkey sticks a thermometer in his ass, and pecks his heart out. He then stabs Chandler with an electric carver. Average Girl takes Chandler to a shed, and burns the Turkey with a lighter and spray paint, kicking him into a bonfire. After Chandler dies, Average Girl walks up to the fire, grabs a Turkey leg, and eats it. We then see a family with a turkey dinner. The Turkey gets up and says: "Do I smell... sequel?!"
I don't know how this happened, but this movie broke me. It's offensively not funny, it's concept is terrible, and when it tries to make a pop culture joke, its disgustingly vulgar and offensive to the people involved. The creators wanted a "fun, horror comedy" that people will take lightly. The only person who can laugh at this is a sociopath or the Devil, himself. These people need a run-in with a better director. Like Uwe Boll, Michael Bay, or Joel "Pink Lights and Bat-Nipples" Shuemacher. Yes, Bat-Nurps are better than this movie.
For now, this is the Window Keeper, signing off for-- What? Oh, no... not Goldberg. A Jewish Wrestler in a Christmas Movie? WHY?!
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