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'Twas the week before Christmas
And in my living room
I found a DVD
That could be my impending doom
It was entitled Santa's Slay
And Bill Goldberg, it did star
As I watched I wondered
Perhaps this is fetched a little too far
As over the top
As the concept should have been
This movie was dull
Bland and boring as sin
So what follows are scenes
A horrific recap
That shows why this movie
Is a tedious piece of crap
We start with a family
About to face peril
Because Chris Kattan is there
Oh -phew- No Will Ferrel
That was a close call
For these cheaters and at least one liar
Until Bill Goldberg smashes in
To light Fran Drescher's hair on fire
He drowns her in egg nog
And,with a turkey leg, to try to be slick
He imitates Heath Ledger
We meet our heroes
Emo Nick and Mary
And their boss, Saul Rubinick
Who is just a little too hairy
Mary likes hip hop and rap
Playing in her truck that's not red
In fact it's gray
And she's about as white as Wonder bread
Nick's grandpa is insane
And reveals Santa's past
Being the son of Satan
... Okay, movie, kiss my ass
Santa was challenged
By an old angel with a plot unfurling
For a thousand years, Santa must be nice
If he loses a match of curling
Of course Santa loses
And the writers, alas
Either forgot what they wrote
Or failed Elementary maths
For, you see, the date then
Was ten-sixty-five
And with sixty years left in the deal
Santa starts taking lives
He follows a preacher
To a strip club, of course
And kills the bouncer
And the valet, by his "horse"
By "horse" I mean Oxen
But that doesn't matter
The characters think it's a reindeer
Before their corpses splatter
In the club, Santa's killing
Starts to get a old
So in the midst of the chaos
He cleans a stripper pole
A bit later on
Hairy Saul meets his fate
As Goldberg pins him with a Menorah
Killing the poor, "evolved ape"
Santa also kills
Nick's grandfather so old
Who looks predictably similar
To the angel in the story previously told
On a snowmobile Nick and Mary
Lead the 'roid raging bastard on a chase
To their high school
Where they must escape, post haste
As they run, it seems
Jerry Lee Lewis was hired
Because Santa is spewing
Great balls of fire
Eventually the chase leads
Santa to his demise
As Mary's father
Blasts him from the skies
In true ridiculous fashion
Santa's sleigh ride did end
When her father shot a rocket
At the rein-oxen's head
But Santa's not dead
Oh no, he still glowers
I believe he's still in space
Gathering power
My apologies
To Mr. Jhonen Vasquez
But my ending to this movie
Is much better, I sez
As Santa is free
Of all is killing spree
So he takes a plane
To the North Pole to freeze
This movie did suck
But I assure, dear reader
The worst is yet to come
From the holiday horror theater
For now, The Window Keeper's signing off
To kill that jolly fat bastard
For his gift this year was the movie
Demonic Toys vs Puppet Master
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