All Right, Game, We Get It! You're Over! The "SAW 3D" Review

So, I thought I got out of this. I was wrong. I didn't get out of it, because I got a call while over at a friend's house to play Rock Band 3, saying that I had to see this movie to review it. Wouldn't you know it, though? I was right. Not just about Saw 3D being a bad movie, but about everything in it: how it would end, who would die, and, most importantly, that in its own 1-Up-Man-Ship, it would be a comedy.

Cary Elwes returns as Dr. Lawrence Gordon, from the first movie. His acting was terrible in that one, and even worse in this. At one point, he gets up to thank a fellow survivor who wrote a book, and is recording a session with the other survivors. His line? "I... want to thank you... for... putting... us... on... your... promotional... D... VD!" Jigsaw Kramer, there were more breathless pauses in that one line of dialogue than in William Shatner's career! Even worse, the anticipation of him returning is not only soiled by this, but also the fact that he's only in this scene, the beginning, and the very ending. That last part, too, is so obvious that people were tossing it about since Saw 2!

The gore in this seems like an afterthought, much like the 3D effects. A lot of the time, the 3D gore doesn't fly to the audience, it stops and disappears once it reaches the camera. Even then, it looks pixelated and bland, or in one instance, the animation is literally 3 frames of movement total. One second the object is falling, the next, without anything in between, the object is in your face as if by teleportation. The gore if laughably fake. One trap utilizes a rubber face. I can tell because the woman's jowls flap more than a Richard Nixon Impersonator's.

Oh, let's talk about the traps. They fall into two categories: clever, but not functional for the movie's plot, or they wouldn't work. Most of the traps are set up so either someone has to die or the person cannot pass the test. Jigsaw's whole purpose was to teach people that life is worth living by putting them in near death situations. Yet, now, all his traps result in someone's death. What happened to, "Those who do not appreciate life do not deserve life. " or "I don't condone murder and I despise murderers?" Hell, Jigsaw even scolded Amanda in the third movie for doing just this!

The one that wouldn't work involves a car held up by jacks while accelerating to 90 MPH. As soon as the car hits the ground, it takes off, killing four people, despite the fact that the jacks aren't completely retracted, which would split the tires at that speed. Hell, I doubt the car would even go straight. Also, of all the things that could've been done to hold the guy in the seat, they seriously thought gluing him was the best idea? Glue?!

Like the past two and half movies before this, SAW 3D has no reason to exist other than milking a long dead cash cow. It's so bad that it actually ends up being a parody of itself, even though it's meant to be serious. If you don't believe me, take this part into account. One scene has a guy yelling at Jill Tuck, Jigsaw's girlfriend (he has one and I don't?!). The guy rambles about how he knew when he first saw her that she was crazy. He then randomly yells, "CRAZY!" as if he has echolalia, or that was his cue for his next line. That alone should some it up for you, but if you're really desperate, wait for it to come out on D... V...D!

OH! ***SPOILER ALERT!!!**** Why does everyone who survives Jigsaw's traps become an apprentice?