Horrid Horror Movie Review Special Edition: Terror Toons

Carnivore isn't actually a bad movie. Cthulhu isn't a bad movie. Hell, The Nun, isn't a bad movie. Yes, they suck, but they aren't bad movies. They're bad cinema, bad films, but in the light of the tragic, horrific mess that I just saw this week, they aren't bad movies. I can say this safely, knowing full well how insane it sounds to the usual readers, but trust me, I haven't lost my mind with that statement.

I lost it when I decided to pick this... this... THING up at the local video store. I know this because I knew it was going to be bad going in. SomethingAwful.com reviewed it before I did, which is how I heard of it. Numerous blogs before this have reviewed it, but, God save me, they didn't prepare me for how bad this movie is. Otherwise, I would've had the following ready: Holy Water, a Pancore Jackhammer, duct tape, and a picture of Kathy Bates in a hot tub, because whatever I could do with a combination of those four items cannot possibly be worse than this movie. "Can it be that bad?" you maybe asking. My reply, "Dear sweet baby Scorcese in an Eagle's Nest, yes, it can!"

The title image for this post will put it in some perspective. The creature that looks like the Green Goblin before braces and rhinoplasty is Dr. Carnage. In the syringe that is floating next to him is, quite seriously, my dignity. I thought dignity is something one loses when they go streaking. No, they lose it when they watch "Terror Toons." Read on to find out why.

Before the movie starts, the bastard child of Pinhead and Quentin Tarantino greets us, the "Gore Hounds," and tells us what happens in the movie. By the way, the "Brain Damage" logo on his jacket is the production company for the movie. It also describes everyone involved with this movie, especially considering that this "warning"is done in a room with VHS boxes, plush Warheads mascots, and smily faces. He also tells us this as if he was Don LaFontaine, the movie trailer guy, but with, well... brain damage. He informs us that Satan sent Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin out to kill in "outrageous, cartoon ways" and only Cindy has the power to stop them. Apparently, Cindy has the remote control to the DVD player. Great, I was just now looking for the fucking thing.

The movie starts with a Will Sasso impersonator strapped to a table and wearing a beanie. The funny thing is, he's a better impersonator than Will Sasso because he doesn't have to tell us who he's impersonating: a six year-old boy. A grown man is playing a six year old boy, people. If you had doubts about what I was saying, I hope you gave them a long kiss goodbye. Dr. Carnage comes up and shoots a laser at the manchild that does absolutely nothing. He the pulls out a needle (which is actually superimposed over his hand), stabs Sasso in the head box, and cuts into his stomach. With a laugh that sounds like someone stepped on a crow that sucked in helium, he pulls out the manboy's guts, spine and skull... all of which are attached. Thus begins the credits, as vomited out by Peter Max. This is where I notice something peculiar about this movie: Lizzie Borden.

I would have had to do a double take, but I knew that Lizzie Borden had been long dead. No, this is actually Lizzy Borden, pornstar turned director of porn movies that simulate rape (thank you IMDB and Wiki). Who could she possibly play in this movie? Dr. Carnage's sexy assistant? Max Assassin? Cindy? No, she plays Candy, a six to eleven (I think) year old girl who seems to have footballs sewn to her chest. They don't bather her, it seems, as she sings "Rubber Ducky" with no problem other than getting the words wrong. Then she stands up, flashing her breasts as she does this, and puts on a thin dress. We get to see a naked porn star with fake breasts naked... and she's playing a little girl. My eyes... they've been violated! Candy goes to say good by to her mother and get the mail. Her mother speaks in a deep voice for a woman. That's mainly because Candy's mother is actually a man. I shit you not, her mother is played by a drag queen.

Manny-Dearest leaves to go to a wedding, telling Candy and Cindy not to have friends over. As He-Mom leaves, Cindy shows up with her Asian friend Amy. Ah, you caught me in a "interrupt myself to say 'wait a minute'" moment. See, I'm not doing that here, because this movie is so bad, that I'd be doing that consta- wait a minute Amy's Asian? She's also cute, too? All of a sudden, this movie isn't looking too bad! I mean, the "typical male pig" in me is thinking she could make up for all of the stupidity, especially since she's playing an adult... I think. They pick on Candy for watching cartoons, causing her to cry and put in the "Terror Toons" DVD. As she watches the cartoon, you, the watcher, realize a few things: 1: Dr. Carnage seems to like stepping on crows. 2: Max Assassin is a purple gorilla with a Tommy Gun. 3. The credits for the cartoon are clever names for the Devil, such as B.L. Zebub, Lou Siffer, and, of course, "Directed by the Devil." Did they run out of names? How about Sam Mail or Sam Moyel? And finally 4: There are only two frames of animation for every non costumed person. More on this later.

The cartoon involves two women playing little girls arguing over a lollipop. Max Assassin scares one of them away, and chews on the other's leg. Looks like this is the end for the sweet, sugar candyman. The girl in the red dress finds a cop. but is blown up by Dr. Carnage. They then do a door chase after the girl, kill her with a knife, and the cartoon ends, showing nothing but spiral. Cindy and Amy, in the meantime, call their boyfriends, and order some pizza from, no joke, Shanghai Pizza. The operator also speaks in a stereotypical Asian accent... to the Asian girl!

The boys come over and want to play strip poker. The girls want to play Ouija. I always thought that the boys wanna fight, but the girls are happy to dance all night. They compromise and play "Strip Ouija." Unfortunately, the budget is so low, they end up with a "Wegee" board instead. As they play, Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin come out of the TV and rip out Candy's spine. Cindy, hesitating to take off her shirt (Amy "all ready did," despite the fact she has another shirt on), and checks on Candy. Candy says she's fine, and Cindy's okay with that. Oh, she also doesn't notice that Candy grew a lump from her back, and has to rivers of blood at the corners of her mouth. Cindy returns, only for the doorbell to ring. This time, it's Tommy, Candy's... um... boyfriend... despite her being six? That would explain why he acts weird, like he's a dirty pedo. It could also be from being in this movie. Dr. Carnage makes quick work to slit his throat, and him and Max leave to kill the pizza guy with a giant pizza cutter. This is the only death shown off screen, because it was too either violent or expensive. I'm with the latter.

Cindy decides to delay taking her shirt off again, and call the pizza guys to find out what's taking so long. The phone is dead, though, and a disco ball appears and the Battletoads pause music starts playing. As it gets faster and faster, we see Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin striking a disco pose. They start dancing causing the kids to laugh. Well, most of them, Amy's jaw just juts to one side as if she's being punch by an invisible fist. Amy's boyfriend laughs so hard, he coughs up his... lungs? I can't tell, because it looks more like his skull. This causes the others to run away as Max pulls out a Tommy Gun and shoots at them. As they try to escape, they find the house is surrounded my spirals. Other boyfriend looks into it and vomits, scaring Cindy and Amy more than the giant fucking gorilla and the green doctor. They run into Candy's room to check on her, and leave the boy behind in his vomit, only for him to get caught by Dr. Carnage.

A cartoon (I use that loosely) police man comes out of the TV, and gives Cindy a giant gun. He's promptly distracted by a box of donuts next to the bloody tools of death. As he takes a longjohn, it blows up, killing him. This proves that he's utterly useless. Carnage cuts the top of the boy's skull and tickles his brain before taking it out. Amy and Candy get separated from each other somehow. Amy runs into Max, and hits him with a bottle. Max then follows suit and hits himself with a bottle. He then realizes he's a dumbass and hits Amy with the bottle. He then jumps Cindy, and ties her up to a chair.

What follows is possibly the most bizarre series of events I've ever had to describe in my life. Dr. Carnage has Amy in a box and cuts her in half like a magician, only her guts come out, and two cartoon vultures, complete in stock art and two frames of animation, come out to pick at her organs as Dr. Carnage plays in them. Seriously... this is one of the cartoon vultures. Look at the site in your browser. Anyway, this makes Cindy pass out, awaking in front of the Devil, who looks and acts like a gay Col. Sanders with horns. He explains he wants more respect, and that Dr. Carnage can become small and Max Assassin can become big because they're cartoons. Cindy decides she's a cartoon too, and becomes a superhero. Actually, she becomes Stephanie from Lazy Town. The devil threatens her with putting her family through pain, but then leaves. All he had to do was make her watch this movie, sheesh.

She goes to the house's den and finds a CD press. She breaks it, but Max Assassin attacks her. She promptly breaks his neck and steps on his head, causing his brain to splurt out, and farting noises (and a cartoon fly) to come out of his head. This goes on for another minute until Dr. Carnage laughs with an ax. He knocks Cindy down, but she catches his ax, steals it and cuts his head in half. Spiders fly out of it, and then, finally, a skeleton comes out and screams. I'd use the LSD excuse... but I'm pretty sure then I wouldn't notice all of this. In fact, I think it'd be insulting to LSD addicts to make the joke!

She-man and Father come home, finding the house a wreck. Momman goes to Candy's room and finds one boy running into a wall, Candy dead, and Cindy, still dressed as Stephanie, laughing manically. The scene then shifts to an actual child opening a mailbox, saying "Dang dang Tewwow Toons!" and then the movie mercifully ends.

This movie is quite honestly the worst thing I've seen in my life. Adults should not be playing six year-old, especially if they're ex-pornstars with fake breasts. The budget is low enough to make the "special effects" as special as the man-child in the first scene. The direction meanders from scene to scene. Dr. Carnage's laugh seems to get imbedded into your head, making you wish he'd kill you all ready. The only explanation is that the Devil did direct this movie. And it gets even better, too. There's a sequel! And a third is on its way! Will I review those soon? Seeing as this took Carnivore's and Cthulhu's place as "Bane of Me Existance," I don't see why not. In fact, I don't see why I shouldn't share the wealth of this shitty movie, and give it away to the first person I see tomorrow. Oh wait, yes I do, because I'm not sadistic.

For now, this is the Window Keeper Signing off to find my beanie cap. I think that weird Doctor guy has it...