Horrid Horror Movie Review: Jason X

Okay... so it must be a thing with horror movies to put the villain of a franchise in outer space. "Hellraiser" did it first, but it was straight to video (and for good reason). Apparently, though, someone thought, "Hey, this is a good idea! You know who'd be better in space? Jason Vorhees!" If the person or persons responsible ever happens upon this blog, do me a favor, won't you? Promptly kick your own ass, so no one else has to! With that said, let's tear into "Jason X."

We start in the present time at the Crystal Lake Research Center. Wait, what? Crystal Lake was a campground, wasn't it? Who came up with the money to put a research center in it? Did it come from the kids murdered in the last few movies? Anyway, Jason is chained up, ready to be cryogenically frozen, when the guard, tired of Jason staring at him, throws a cover over his head. We cut to Dr. Rowan, the 27 year old top scientist who is in charge of the research institute. Otherwise known as "excuse to have an attractive female main character who we'll never show naked," or "here's some unrealistic eyecandy for the teenage audience." The Army has orders to take Jason to a cloning facility so they can reproduce his regenerating cells and make a super soldier. In short, the Army wants to clone Jason Vorhees, the killer they've tried to kill how many times now, but keeps coming? Surely, I'm not the only one who sees a flaw in this plan.

Lo and behold, Jason somehow switched places with the guard, and starts killing the Army guys shooting at him. Rowan grabs a shotgun, and runs down to the cryo chambers, Jason following. In a panic, she shoots him a few times, stunning him (despite the fact that none of the other blasts from a shotgun had an effect on him at all), and sending him into a cryo chamber. Rowan locks the door, but is stabbed by Jason, who manages to run his old, rusty machete through six inches of solid steel. My brain just lost a few cells over this, so lets move on. With the chamber breached, the basement locks itself, and freezes Jason and Rowan.

455 years pass, and Earth is uninhabitable. A research team, consisting of a teacher named Dr. Lowe, a stoner named, I shit you not, Azrael (you know, after the Angel of Death), a snobby girl named Janessa, a science genius boy named Waylander (really, Waylander?), and his pet android, Kay Em-14, find the chamber, complete with Jason and Rowan frozen in it. Lowe asks what's on Jason's face, only for Waylander to answer "A hockey mask." Azrael grabs a coffee cup, which freezes to his hand, then decideds to poke Jason, causing Jason to fall over and cut Azrael's arm off. Kay Em gives him something that cautarizes the wound, and makes him act even more high. Kay Em also notices that Rowan, and they take her and Jason a board their ship, the Grendal, to revive her, which involves stripping her naked off camera, and putting her under a metal blanket. By the way, Janessa is wearing a dress that seems to have the middle of it cut out. Seriously, it's like she's wearing an unbuttoned trench coat with a skirt attached to it.

An other doctor, Adrianne, is assigned two flunkies to help out with Jason. For some reason, the grotesque corpse turns them on, so Adrianne kicks them out of her lab. As they start to do the horizontal mambo, Jason wakes up. Seriously, Jason is like the sex alarm clock. If someone within 100 yards starts to have sex, he wakes up and kills everything. This time, he starts by grabbing Adrianne's head, shoving it in a sink of liquid Nitrogen, and smashing it. Wait... isn't Jason supposed to be, you know... challenged? How does he know what liquid Nitrogen does. How did he even know it was liquid Nitrogen? At the same time, Rowan wakes up, and is told that in the year 2010, she was frozen with Jason Vorhees, and it is now 455 years later. Time for a Horror Movie Logic Quiz: Remember in my review for The Nun that the teens were 18 years old, despite the fact that only seven years passed between Sister Ursula being killed and her ghost killing people. Rowan was frozen in 2010, 455 years before this movie is set. What is the year? A) 2465 B) 2455 or C) I don't care, I want to see Dr. Rowan naked.

If you guessed "A," you fail at horror movie logic. The correct answer is actually "B." Obviously 2010 + 455 = 2455. Thanks for playing!

Besides being told that she's in the future and on a spaceship with an android and a stoner (both of which should be switched with Marvin the Paranoid Android and Zaphod Beeblebrox for the sake of everyone's sanity), she seems to be taking it pretty well. She's not even ranting about having been frozen! Dr. Lowe, after finding out that Jason Vorhees is Jason Vorhees the killer who seems to be worth a dickload of money, puts on a dress and gets his nipple piercing tweeked by Janessa. I guess this was important... somehow. Gotta admit, it is scarier than the rest of the movie. Oh, wait, I take that back. Waylander is putting nipples on Kay Em. He's putting nipples on an android. By the way, Janessa keeps teasing Waylander about him and Kay Em sleeping together. Just wait for it. I feel like we're forgetting something, though... oh yeah! Jason stabs the guy having sex with his girlfriend, then lets her run away to tell security about it.

The students and Rowan are taken back to the lab by Lowe and Kay Em. Lowe stops to talk a deal to Brodski, the security sergeant, because he wants Jason alive. Brondski agrees, but tells his crew to kill Jason. He separates the team, taking the guy with the BFG with him. I can't say this is making a reference to a better movie, because this was out before "Doom" was, and "Doom" sucked. What it is doing, however, is reminding you that you could be playing a decent game instead of watching this movie. We all ready have the "Alien" reference with "Waylander" and his android. Anyway, to make this short, Jason starts picking them off one by one, including impaling one guy on a giant fucking hook, impaling the BFG guy on a drill, invading a VR sim, killing sim aliens (even though he can't see them without being hooked up to the equipment) and the people playing the game, including Azrael, and several other deaths. This leaves Brodski as the only one left standing, but Jason stabs him. Brodski says that isn't enough to kill him, so Jason stabs him again. "Okay, that should do it."

The scientists panic, finding out the security team is dead. Jason, meanwhile, kills the ships pilot, causing them to crash into a spacestation, destroying a pontoon. Jason then breaks into the lab. Lowe destracts him while the students, android, and Rowan escape, but soon figures Jason only wants his deadly as shit machete back. After announcing that Jason is peaceful (what a fucking moron), Jason cuts his head off. The students and Rowan, now joined by Ron Jeremy's uglier brother Crutch the Engineer, make a plan to go for the shuttle. Crutch and an Asian kid named Tsunaron to the bridge to start the shuttle up, while Janessa, Rowan, and girl who Jason let run away (Kinsa, for those of you at all curious) run to the shuttle. Waylander and Kay Em go to his lab for some upgrades. Kay Em expresses her desires to become more human, and they have sex. Seriously, an android, not even a Replicant from Blade Runner, a fucking android and a man have sex. He acts shocked, too. The thing is, wouldn't he have to program her to want to be more human, and want to have sex with him. I mean, that was even what Janessa was hinting at!

Anyway, Kinsa gets in the shuttle, but is trapped once Jason kills Crutch. In a panic, she tries to fly the shuttle, but crashes into the ship. Jason corners Rowan and Janessa, and is suddenly attacked by Brodski. After tossing Brodski a side, Kay Em, now upgraded with big guns (no, really, guns, not breast implants... which figuring this movie, wouldn't surprise me) and karate kicking action. She manages to kill Jason, and the remaining survivors have to plan to escape. A ship gets the distress signal, an a plan is formed to go to the other pontoon and bomb the one they're in in order to keep the entire ship from blowing up. This may sound stupid, but surprisingly, this is actually a good idea. The main part of the ship is about to explode, by going to the secondary part and blowing the connections up, it actually ups their survival rate. Unfortunately, they're in space. My physics may be off, but wouldn't the explosion propell them into the vessel that's trying to save them?

As they set the charges, the med unit makes Jason into a cyborg. He corners the survivors, and even punches Kay Em's head off, which Waylander snatches up. Hey, look... he got some head! I'm sorry... I really am. Tsunaron distracts Jason so he can let the others into the othe pontoon, and sacrifices himself by denoting the explosives. This propells Jason onto the other pontoon, despite being on the other side of the explosion. As most of the survivors make their way through the airlock, Jason punches a hole in the hull, which pulls Janessa into the void of space, but leaves the grating she went through intact enough to block the hole. With the rescue vessel attached, Brodskie goes out into space to open the doors from the outside. Waylander sets up a distraction to keep Jason busy: a hologram of two women wearing shirts and panties offering booze, pot, and premarital sex. They then take their shirts off. Not to go on a sexist tangent, but this makes up for "Terror Toons." If "Jason X" has one positive note, it's either the fact that is has a beautiful Asian woman, and as perverted as it sounds, topless (which, let's face it, is why most people watched the "Friday the 13th" series), or what follows. As they crawl into their sleeping bags, Jason picks one up, and beats the other with her. It is the most hilarious kill I have ever seen in my life of watching horror movies. This is why I watch them, though I feel conflicted that they killed the cute Asian woman. Boo...

As you can figure, this doesn't keep Jason busy for long. Luckily, the airlock opens, and Waylander and Rowan (and the head of Kay Em) go through to the vessel. As the station explodes, Jason comes flying to the rescue ship... but Brodski comes to tackle Jason, both burning up in the atmosphere of Earth II. The movie ends with two teens watching a falling star, which ends up being Jason's mask.

What is this movie, a joke? It's not scary. It's like a bad slapstick comedy went violent. Throw in the stupidity of android sex, and the world's greediest scientist, and you have this movie. I'm still in a stupor at how pointless this was.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off, and being thankful that there isn't another horror franchise that went into space. Especially one that involves a Leprechaun...

Oh, sweet mother of crap.