"God of War III" Review. Otherwise known as "Retcon: The Game"

Wow, Sony. Just... wow... How incredibly stupid do you think we are to not remember the plots of the first two "God of War" games, especially after making such a big deal about releasing a collection just before you release this game? Do you really think that hiding an utter failure of a story behind pretty graphics will blind us to what is ultimately milking a franchise that should have ended after the first game? It may work with critics, and gamers, but with me... that comes off as lazy.

Positive stuff first. The game has extremely good graphics and a lot of great voice acting. That is not to say there aren't clipping errors (I fell through a floor three times) and some bad writing ("I will make you suffer... once I regain my sight!" should totally be a Dr. Orpheus line in the Venture Bros., not Chronos). Anything else I forgot? Oh... some of the weapons are cool. The whip you get in the end of the game is easily the best weapon, which is also why you never use it.

That's where I'll start with the bad. The combat: It's "God of War." Kratos should be a badass, but his weapons should also back that up. The Cestus that the designers made such a big deal about are useless against the later enemies (fauns and anything fast). The Claws of Hades are weak, but have a cool magic attack... that's also weak. The new Rage mode, the Rage of Sparta, is fine... except you can't jump. Enemies progress as weak to strong as usual... but later in the game, they'll pull tricks like countering a magic attack.

The puzzles will kill you more than combat, though. Once you have something figured out, if you die at that point, not only do you have to do the puzzle over, but it might change, too. I was stuck in a "labyrinth" (which was actually a bunch of boxes put together), because the spike floor kept changing patterns after I figured it out. But, that's not what makes this game bad. That doesn't scratch the surface.

The story kills the game. The first game, the gods help you kill Ares because Ares is being a douchebag. You use Pandora's Box to kill him, because that is the only thing that can kill the gods. The second, Kratos goes insane, sort of, and starts wars for the sake of it. Zeus gets pissed and kills Kratos, only for Kratos to come back, and want revenge. This game, Kratos takes his revenge on Zeus. But, we find out that the gods never helped Kratos in the first one and Pandora's Box isn't the only object that can destroy the gods. So... the first game is retconned entirely, except for Ares being dead. The end of the game retcons the entire second game by telling you that someone was actually evil all along, and someone else was possessed by the power of the box while someone else was possessed by a different power in the box that the first someone put in there (without spoiling it for anyone). What it comes down to is that Kratos was right in starting wars for no reason.

That's not all. The game refuses to take itself seriously at points. After the sex minigame with Aphrodite, you can go again. As her consorts watch, one says, "This isn't meant for the eyes of children. This is rated for mature audiences, eighteen and over!" No where else in the series is humor like this found. For a series that was somewhat close to the roots of mythology at first, too, this throws a wrench in it. Minor spoiler: Pandora is a robot. I kid you not, Pandora is a robot.

What's worse is that the game retcons itself toward the end. A human character makes trips to Hades to make a "labyrinth," by going through portals that only the gods can cross through. That's a big glaring example that I can think of right now. I will give it this; it does end the trilogy instead of having a cheap cliffhanger ending like the second game. Though the ending is absolutely terribly written and leaves the player wondering "why did I bother?"

Last note is the controls. Several times you have to double jump and glide. Almost every time you try it, you fail the first time. I don't like how they changed the magic system (one spell for every weapon), but at the same time, I can see why they did it for organizational purposes. Being able to switch weapons during combat would be a good idea... if it wasn't completely senseless. They assign a button combo to do it, but you can do it by press the D-Pad of the weapon you want. Not that it matters, you'll only use one weapon anyway.

This game's an example of what's wrong with gaming today: Good graphics, celebrity voices (Kevin Sorbo as Hercules... yeah), but the story and gameplay is flat, boring, or just plain stupid. If you want to see how it ends, rent it, because putting down $60 for it new is a huge mistake (yes, I made it, too, but I had it reserved for a birthday gift to myself).