Posts
The movie starts with a nun, Sister Ursula (hold the Little Mermaid jokes until the end), writing "SiN" on the chalkboard, and telling a girl with a bum leg that "God is punishing her." She then tries to force a love letter down another girl's throat. What is it about movies and Nuns? Why are all nuns evil, sadistic wenches? And I'm talking from my personal experience, too. Oh, to make things worse, things are flying around, as if by magic. So, she's a magic, evil nun. Mary (the girl) wakes up, and it was all a dream. Again with the dream sequences?
The next scene, we're introduced to our main characters: Eve, who puts out in showers only to get showered on; Joel, the stupid boy who can't put his camera down, and Julia, a Spanish girl who speaks in a French accent. I did some research, and apparently, the girl is French...? Anyway, the scene introduces the unlikable heroes, making this scene nothing but very bad character development. Anyway, Mary is lurking around the house with a knife, because her kitchen is flooded. Don't bother with trying to figure the logic of this out, in this movie, logic doesn't exist.
Eve comes home, and finds a ghost of a nun holding Mary, her mom (who looks only 5 years older than Eve). The nun moves her hand and... Mary dies... somehow... Seriously, I have no idea how Mary died. Moving on, the cop, who speaks in a gruff English accent (and Eve's accent changes constantly as well), believes that Mary killed herself. Julia comes to take Eve in, and the cop bitches about this. He serves no other purpose than to do this, it seems, as he is never seen again. Cut to Barcelona, where the girl with the bad leg is... hot as hell. Oh, and she's Spanish, despite the fact that she was American before. Wow, this movie is inconsistent. Eve's accent shifts in every scene, Julia has a French accent despite being Spanish, and the grown up students change nationality.
At Mary's funeral, a fat woman approaches Eve about going to the boarding school in Rome to find out about Sister Ursula. What happens, of course, is the nun chasing the woman through a hotel (during which we see the outline of her nipples... the scariest part of the movie), into an elevator. The elevator stops between floors, and the woman gets her arms cut off as she tries to climb out before the elevator comes crashing down. Yeah... elevators can't DO that! Oh, and Eve just walked in the hotel to see her die. This causes Eve to take Julia and Joel with her to Spain, to go the boarding school in Rome... Rome is in Italy! What is said by Julia is one of the most bizarre lines I've heard: "That wasn't the deal. Even the police psychologist said so." What police psychologist, and why was he at an accident scene? Anyway, Eve goes to sleep, and dreams that Sister Ursula is on the wing of the plane. Yes, they ripped off the Twilight Zone.
Eve meets a priest who asks what she's doing. Eve explains, and says she's from New York. Cut to hot woman talking about fat woman leaving from Hawaii. How? She died in New York! At the club, the Priest helps Eve out by giving her hot woman's address, and telling her that he killed his girlfriend in a motorcycle accident, even though he wasn't drunk. Way to help, buddy. Eve goes to hot woman's house, where hot woman is crucified. Her friends catch up to her, and they go to the boarding school Or try, until they realize that they passed the turn by reading the back of a sign. Again... logic fail. The priest invites the friends to follow by saying "Parlez." Wait... he's Spanish, yet he spoke French! God damn you, movie!
As they go into the school, Joel immediately splits up with the team to film... birds. They regroup to find that "SiN" is still written on the chalk board. I guess the school doesn't have any erasers. Julie tells Joel to stop filming because she's scared, meaning Joel needs to make out with her. Meanwhile, Eve finds Zoe and Susan, the remaining two women. They realize that Eve is Mary's daughter, and explain that Mary slept with a priest, got pregnant, and Sister Ursula finds out. The women, then girls, find sister Ursula "purifying" Mary by shoving a cross in her crotch. Yeah, movie... that didn't work in the Exorcist, not going to work here, either. It's important to note that Eve was told that a priest is her father, but she ignores this until the end of the movie.
Anyway, the girls (the older women back in the day) attack Sister Ursula, causing her to hit her head on the edge of the bathtub. She opens her eyes, scaring the girls, who decide to drown her, despite screaming "Don't kill her!" repeatedly. The girls make a deal to never tell anyone about this as they throw the body in a blessed pond. The women realize that the pond is evaporated, causing Sister Ursula's ghost to come back to kill the women. Yeah, Holy Water makes ghosts kill... it isn't used to bless people, it's used to make homicidal ghosts!
Joel and Julia go back to the car, and pull out some tools... including a gun. A 17 year-old boy has a (WARNING: The rest of this review will have expletives. There is no way around this, as this movie pisses me off.) fucking gun in his fucking rental car. He got through customs with a fucking gun, despite being underaged. What in the fuck were the writers smoking? That's not the worst part, either. Julie tells Joel to do this for Eve. Joel's reply: "Trevor doesn't want a yee-yee." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? What makes it worse is that this will happen again, just wait.
Back to what this movie calls "plot," (got to give it credit, it has more than Orphan, and is almost more coherent than Cthulhu), Susan realizes that Ursula wants to destroy sin. Joel screams how this is "I Know What You Did 18 Summers Ago." Do the math: the movie takes place in 2005. The women left the school in 1998. The teens are 18 years-old despite that only seven years have passed. I think that every movie needs a fact checker and mathematician to keep shit like this from happening. But, in a movie like this, I doubt it'd matter, because the fact checker would be as stoned as the fucking writers were. To confirm this, the pries says he believes in ghosts, and takes Eve upstairs after she tries to connect with him. Joel alludes that the priest wants to screw Eve.
Joel tries to fix the power, which he can do despite it being an archaic system, and him being a fucking teenager. In the meantime, Eve tells the priest to stop trying to bone her "in the room where her mother died." WHAT! THE! FUCK?! They're in a room in the school, thousands of miles away from where her mother died, and that's her reason for not wanting to boink the priest? She also calls him by the hot woman's name, causing him to remember... something. He runs, and Ursula attacks Eve, making her realize that 17 years ago, a priest fathered her. That is a hell of a long conception, as Eve was apparently TEN when Mary gave birth to her. Oh, and Eve's mom tried to commit suicide. The priest comes back and says he figured it out.
Susan and Zoe think that history is repeating itself, and wants to stop the priest and Eve from pumping pig iron. Eve seems to be a good enough cockblock without their help. The priest comes back, and Eve says, "Have to come with table. Padre pine in a corridor." Don't ask me... I'm completely lost as it is. But, anyway, Ursula is killing the women in the ways that their namesake saints died in. This is where we find out that someone who died before the movie started was cooked, and Eve says that they're dying in the same way as their "patron saints" died. NO! Being named after a saint does not make that saint a patron saint. A patron saint watches after a person, i.e. St. Michael is the patron saint of soldiers and police, not of the Michaels of the world. Zoe calls Ursula a "Crazy Mudfucker," as the priest says that Ursula is purifying her own sin... by killing others. I give up, movie. Make even less sense, please.
Zoe sees that she's supposed to die by being thrown in an oven, making her go crazy. She sees that St. Ursula died by having an arrow "thrown" through her heart. The team leave Susan and Eve alone to... do... something. They never say, but I assume its to push the story forward. Susan doesn't want decapitated, and locks Eve out of the room she goes into, believing Eve is to blame for the problem. Ursula comes in, sends Susan's head through a window, allowing the top of it to decapitate her.
On the other side of the school, Zoe is holding a harpoon gun. Where in the hell did that come from, and what is anyone doing with a harpoon gun? Joel grabs one (they have two?), but Julia rips it out of his hands, proving that Joel is fucking useless. The team runs to find Susan dead, her head replaced by a styrofoam representation of... someone not Susan. Somehow, Eve grabs a harpoon gun and shoots at Ursula, which only she can see. It's now that we find out that Mary got pregnant and Ursula tried to force her into an abortion, due to the father being a priest. Zoe tells Eve this, and who the father is, for the third fucking time and Eve finally gets it. The priest decides to flood a room, because Ursula needs water to appear, and leaves Julia alone. Tip: Never leave French girls alone in a room. They'll surrender.
Zoe sees Ursula in the kitchen, who pushes Zoe in to an oven. This is the point where the movie tells us where its going to go. Meanwhile, while trying to turn the water on, the priest is pushed back by a gush of water (which he seemed to fight pretty well) and is impaled by a pipe. Joel pulls him off, and the priest tries to speak. Eve comes to where Julia is, while Julia goes upstairs, finds Zoe dead, and grabs the harpoon gun. She comes down, tells Eve, and Eve throws the gun to the ground. It's important to note that the water was chest deep five seconds ago, but is now ten feet deep. This means that the 9 foot tall room grew three feet to allow this. This also means that the lamp that's on will electrocute them, so Julia goes to turn the power off.
Ursula is coming after Eve, and Eve goes underwater showing that fish are floating around the room. REALLY?! Meanwhile, Joel runs to Julia and explains that Eve really isn't in danger. We're treated to a flashback that "explains" that Eve, when she was 4 years old, she memorized her mom's friends name, how they related to the saints, how said saints died, the fact that her priest is her father, and her mom and her friends killed Ursula (which her friends were never mentioned). Eve getting wet while making out with a guy during prom made her get possessed by Ursula. So, Eve is is Ursula... by the way, for her to remember all of this, Eve would have to be the smartest little girl in the world, because no one on Earth could remember all of this.
We end the movie with Eve shooting Ursula in the heart, a montage of how Eve was in two places at once (keep in mind that one of the people died before Eve was possessed, where Eve couldn't possibly be), and finally a shot of Julia pulling a dead Eve from the water, after seemingly shooting herself with the harpoon gun. How in the hell did she pull that off? The harpoon gun was the size of her arm, making it physically impossible for her to pull the trigger. Not only that, but the velocity of the harpoon is such that it would go completely through her.
THIS MOVIE SUUUUUUUUUCKS! Sorry for the over use of caps, but there is only one way to express how bad this movie is, and that's it. It has no knowledge of math or geography, some of the lines are complete nonsense, and no one has the accents of the characters don't match there nationality. To make it worse, it's only an hour and forty minutes long, but it took me two hours and twenty minutes to watch it, and seven pages of notes of how bad this movie is. Oh, and the movie's credits claim "Based on an original story," despite it being the same Hollywood shit that they've been passing off as horror for the past eight years.
For now, this is the Windowkeeper signing off to repress his memories of Catholic school.
No comments:
Post a Comment