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The film starts with a husband, John, and wife, Kate... wait a minute... John and Kate. I can't get away from the Gosseling's, can I? Anyway, Kate is about to give birth to their third child, and after sitting in the wheel chair to the maternity ward, realizes that she's bleeding. She's suddenly in a gurney, where the nurse tells her that she lost the child. Abrupt plot development, but what do I expect from this movie? I mean, couldn't we get to know the characters? Well, no, because then we'd have plot, which this movie lacks. Anyway...
John is filming the surgery, apparently not knowing that the child died. John gets the dumbass award for the movie, and believe it or not, this isn't why. But, more on that later. Somehow, Kate gives birth successfully to a mummy. Yes, she gives birth to a mummy. What's worse is that this is indeed the scariest part of the movie. At least, that is, until she wakes up and it was all a dream, then it becomes a cliche.
Kate goes up to her medicine cabinet, where the camera angle shifts to behind her, zooming in as if something is sneaking up on her. Camera angle shift to her profile while she closes the cabinet, showing nothing is behind her. Way to waste a "scare" moment on that. Could John sneak up on her and, I don't know, give her the same bad haircut that that other Kate has? Anyway, next thing we see is that she's talking to a therapist about the nightmare, and the fact that she was tempted to drink. Yes, Kate's an alcoholic. But, wait till you here what John is... The therapist says something, and Kate leaves to pick up her deaf daughter from school.
On the way back home, Kate is stopped at a red light, and barely pays attention to this fact. Why? Because, for some unknown reason, the truck behind her honks at her, causing her to almost crash into another truck. Wow... what a prick. After arriving safely at home, Kate starts playing piano, but is distracted by a near constant thumping. She runs outside and yells at her deaf daughter, Max. While I would go for the "yells at deaf daughter" bit, she uses sign language while doing it, so its not that big of a slip up... except that Max heard her NAME! John brings their son, Danny, back, who immediately ignores his own mother to play with Max... who hears him perfectly well despite being deaf.
We next see Kate by the medicine cabinet again, with the same zoom. This time, though, John's behind her, and he wants to bone. Kate turns him down, though, because she's nervous about going to an orphanage to adopt a child. This is cured the next day, as they go to said orphanage to look at the little girls. John splits up to go upstairs, when two girls run by laughing. After they pass, John turns, slightly startled. Thank you, belayed reaction theater, for striking again.
Upstairs, John sees a... girl painting a picture, with her back turned to him. She knows he's there though, and invites him in. This is where we meet Esther, the creepy "9 year-old girl" that looks like an older child/adult with some severe fashion taste. But, she does paint creepy pictures of animals with people's faces, so we're supposed to assume she's adorable. Kate meets her, and they decide to adopt her right then. Later that day, the bring Ester home. Yes, the same day, they adopt Ester. You know, without all the tedious paper work and physical and legal stuff that adults have to do to adopt a freaking child. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't MENTION THAT THEY HAVE TO DO THIS BEFORE ADOPTING HER! By the way, we're only 40 minutes into the film.
Ester meets the family, Max taking a liking to here, but Danny thinking what we're all thinking; She's a creepy, creepy... thing. They have a house warming, where Esther asks for piano lessons, and Danny abandons the family to look at porn in his tree house. Later, Esther has her first day at school, where she's teased for her dresses. Esther goes to Kate for advice, and Kate shows her the flowers dedicated to baby Jessica's memory. What makes it worse is when Kate tucked Max in before, Max wanted to hear the story about Jessica going to heaven. Should we fear Esther, or the deaf brat who's obsessed with her unborn sister's death?
Esther goes to shower, and locks the door, much to Kate's alarm. Esther comforts her, saying that she'll sing, but Kate doesn't care and goes to spy on Esther's diary. While she lurks, we have the zoom scene again, and - surprise- nothing's there! This movie abuses this technique more than Cthulhu abused the gay lifestyle. Fast forwarding over some stupid (all right dumber) scenes, Esther has a breakdown in school, and Danny is getting picked on. Later that same day, John and Kate start having sex in the kitchen, not knowing until its too late that 1: lowering your head while you're partner's head is being "thrown up in ecstasy" is painful, and 2: Esther is watching them.
Kate goes to talk to Esther, but Esther all ready knows that grown ups do certain things that children shouldn't do, and that was one of them. Actually, isn't that the one thing children shouldn't see? Or are they counting positions. Anyway, Kate is shocked when Esther says that grown ups "fuck." I'll get to this later. The next day, Esther is at the park while a busty woman flirts with John. Esther sees a girl who's picking on her, and has what was supposed to be a chase scene, but ends up like a laughably bad Saw short. Esther pushes the girl off the slide, breaking her leg, but won't confess to anyone. Max watched it happen, but she covers for Esther.
This causes Kate to get a call from the orphanage, where they warn her that trouble follows Esther, and that they want her medical and dental records. Esther won't go to the dentist, but is perfectly okay with the doctor... which I'll get to here in a minute. The nun has a meeting with the parents, where afterwards, Esther and Max "play a trick on her..." oh, and Esther kills her and forces Max to hide the body, and the weapon in Danny's treehouse. Danny sees thism though, and Esther threatens him by "cutting his hairless little prick off." Kate is scared of Esther now, but John tells Esther to do something nice. Esther picks the white "Jessica-Roses," causing Kate to grab Esther's arm, then let go. Esther runs to the garage, and uses the vice-grip to break her arm. You know, because it won't leave a pattern bruise, or crush the arm differently than Kate would've done.
While Kate's dropping the kids off at school, Esther puts the car in neutral while Max is inside. Luckily, it crashes into a snowdrift. This forces Kate to almost drink two bottles of wine, but she pours one down the sink. Later, John is alarmed that Kate is abusive to the children due to the alcohol she didn't drink. John threatens to leave her and... dear God this movie is boring.
Danny finds out about the hammer, and goes to the treehouse to get it. Esther catches up to him, and tries to burn him alive. He saves himself, and ends up in the hospital, where Esther tries to smother him. The doctors save him, though, and Kate smacks Esther, causing her to be sedated. All while this is going on, Kate is waiting for a call from the Saarne Institute, where Esther was "raised" in.
Kate wakes up to her phone ringing . It's the Saarne Institute, who tell Kate that Esther's really a 33 year-old woman. How... in.. the... hell did this go unnoticed? She had no problems with doctors probing her, even though this would've been a HUGE problem for her scam. In the meantime, Esther tries to seduce John. John finally realizes that Esther is crazy, earning his dumbass award for not noticing earlier, forcing Esther to kill him, and try to kill Max. Luckily, Kate arrives, and fights Esther. The fight leads to a frozen pond, which cracks.
Kate and Esther fall through the pond, and Kate tries to climb out. Esther grabs her, and asks her for help, referring to Kate as "Mommy." What ensues is the most insane part of the movie. Kate screams "I'm not your fucking mommy!" and kicks Esther so hard that her neck breaks. The only way this could be better is if she screamed "I AM A MAN!" instead (thank you, Linkara and Superman: At Earth's End). Thus ending this shittastic movie.
I cannot fathom how bad this movie is. It's boring, overuses certain camera techniques for no reason, and has plot holes bigger than the spot on Jupiter. Avoid this movie like the plague. For now, this is the Windowkeeper, signing off to... um... "adopt" a few 18 year-old Asian girls to join my... "family." Yeah... that's it.
... it's not a Harem at all...
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