Horrid Horror Movie Review: Bloodlust Zombies

I sincerely hope that when our planet manages to be discovered by aliens, they don't know how to watch our DVD's. I cannot imagine how embarrassing it's going to be for us if they do. Sure, they'll get to see documentaries, but how will they know what's real and what's not? I mean, it's not like Greek Mythology where a man flies into the sun, we have some realistic fiction, and special effects. But, worst of all, if they watched Bloodlust Zombies, they'll think we were all inept horndogs with alcoholism.

Continuing with "Porn Horror Month," Bloodlust Zombies stars Alexis Texas, a woman that I'm sure that even the Porn Industry is trying to figure out if she's human or not. I'm not trying to be mean (okay, maybe a little), but... she looks like a homeless woman who discovered make-up and meth at the same time, especially in this movie, where she's always squinting and has bags under her eyes so big that I thought her cheeks were collapsing. I should also note that the term "starring" is a bit of a misnomer here. Despite being the main character in the movie, she's in it for 13 minutes, and half of that is having sex with an old man. At least Sasha Grey stayed clothed in Smash Cut. Hell, she even looked, and acted, like she was breathing. Without further ado, I bring you Bloodlust Zombies.

We start the movie with scientists working on the chemical compound to turn people into zombies. They evaporate it, and feed it to two cats, causing one to attack the other. The second cat explodes, bringing us to the credits. After the credits, we meet Bobby Lee, the head of company doing the chemical testing. He tells his boss that the compound has a 83% success rate, then hands it off to Janice, an older woman who tells the TV the exact same thing. She and the TV take turns insulting Bobby Lee, to which he has the constant witty retort of "Hey, Now!" Imagine him in a fight.

Guy: You old grave robbing bitch!
Bobby Lee: Hey now!
Guy: I'm going to slice your throat!
Bobby Lee: Hey now!
Guy: Then cut your balls off!
Bobby Lee: ... Hey now.

After the meeting, Alexis Texas' character, Andrea, comes in with two wine bottles and glasses. She places the two glasses down, and two more magically appear. Then, two more appear. Either this is bad directing, or she spent extra cash on the amoeba glasses. If it's the latter, I want them... now! They eventually leave the meeting, the head scientist going to the lab, Douche and Secretary going to the office, Janice going to her office, and Bobby Lee and Andrea go to his office to have sex. At one point, he tells her not to call him "daddy" because it makes him sound old. She then tells him to say "All aboard," which he says make it seem like a gang bang. As they switch positions, they accidentally hit the "Intercom" button on the phone, which causes everyone in the building to hear them. They have the logical reaction of... laughing?

They laugh at the boss bumping uglies with his secretary? I'm sure that it'll stop once she gets promoted to Vice President, but, still, doesn't anyone find this uncomfortable? Well, no, because this is a regular thing, as Secretary tells Douche. Douche tries to picture it, but she hits him.

Meanwhile, the scientists are arguing whether wine gets cold or warm in a room temperature setting. They made a zombie cat, and this is what they argue over? When Andrea and Bobby Lee are heard doing the Right Angle Macarena, one of the scientists knocks over the vials with the compound. Luckily, none of the ones with the compound broke. Then, this bit of dialogue happens:

Scientist 1: I love you, man! In a hetero way.
Scientist 2: Right. Football... Sports!

What... the... fuck? Where the fuck did that come from? This was prompted by absolutely nothing, no build up, just random gay joke. Thankfully, the zombie cat is not pleased, and attacks the female scientist (the third one). Thankfully, the alarm was pressed during the spill so it doesn't need to pushed again. Too bad Zombie Scientist 3 attacks the other two!

Bobby Lee goes to activate the reboot for the building, while Andrea seemingly spends half of the movie getting dressed. Janice, after moping about her dead Army husband, realizes that Bobby Lee is taking too long to reboot the building, and grabs a gun. She stops by Douche and Secretary's office, and tells them to stay. Secretary gets up, and goes to Bobby Lee's office to grab his revolvers that he uses for his cowboy role playing. Let's stop and think about this for a moment, as Douche points out that the guns are fake. Secretary honestly thought that Bobby Lee would role play with actual loaded guns. Not only did she think that, but keep in mind that this is supposedly a government run building, complete with security. How in the hell would Bobby Lee get guns inside the building, much less for the purpose of playing an assless chaps wearing cowboy? Live with that image. I know I have to.

Let's talk about the security guys for a second. One of them sits on his ass through most of the movie, while the other one is killed by a zombie by getting bit on the neck. He bleeds out, yet his face manages to stay red. The other security guard, who is also the movie's director, sits in the office most of the time.

Douche starts to leave his office, yet Secretary tells him Janice told them to stay. Despite her leaving not five minutes ago. Then again, she did think that Bobby Lee used real revolvers in sex play. She follows Douche, but is attacked by a zombie. Douche easily kills the zombie with a test tube. He then finds the dead security guard, takes his gun and money, then shoots a zombie in the shoulder. The zombie jumps in front of the blood spatter, with a bullet wound in her head, then falls over dead. Is the budget for this movie so cheap that they couldn't re-shoot that scene?

We finally get to the one interesting character of the movie: Fat Deborah Morgan in a Leg Cast! No, that's not an exclamation, that's how I'm describing her. She knocks on the security door, yelling at the guard to let her in. After arguing for a few minutes, he lets her in. She finds out that he's going to lock them both inside, so they're safe. She calls him a pussy, pulls out a gun, and goes out, screaming obscenities at the zombies, and randomly shooting down the hallway. Fuck me twice on Sunday, she's the best character in the movie. How much do you want to bet she dies?

Janice finds Andrea in an unfinished storage closet, and tells her that she can do better than living off of sex with Bobby Lee. Thankfully, she isn't suggesting having sex with Ron Jeremy, she means that Andrea is smart and has valuable assets. Yes, and if you follow this movie's logic, we've seen them, and probably will again. Douche walks in and imagines that Andrea and Janice are making out. They hit him upside the head, and Douche and Janice leave Andrea in the closet. They argue about Janice having a gun when the weirdness continues. He starts to say that the place is guarded like Fort Knox, but they walk in an elevator, stay silent, then continue as they walk out. This is meant to be funny, I think...

Douche splits up from Janice and gets in a fire fight with Fat Deb. After they realize they aren't zombies, they decide to flirt, and show each other pictures of what the other looks like. Douche ruins this by taking a picture of Mini-Douche. Fat Deb gets up, and as Douche says he's in love, she gets attacked by a zombie, and dies. I knew it, she was too awesome to live.

Douche runs into a lab where he finds a topless female zombie. He has an angel in scrubs and a devil in biker shorts telling him to either kill her or have sex with her. He decides to have zombie sex, only to get his ear ripped off. Wait a second... isn't this the locker room seen in Doom, where the pervert finds a naked woman with her arm ripped off, and decides to rape her, only to find out she's a zombie. How sad is it that they referenced a better movie, and that movie's best part is the Rock saying, "Semper Fi, Motherfucker!" Douche kills her, and another one shows up. He kills her, too, and tries to reattach his ear. Failing this, he takes off his shirt, and wads it up into his ear hole. Meanwhile, Janice kills the same zombies Douche killed earlier, only to get bitten.

Andrea decides to leave the closet, and is chased into another closet, cutting the zombie's hand off with the door. She grabs an ax, and goes to the rebooting room, only to find that Bobby Lee is a zombie. She feebly bludgeons him with the ax (seriously, throwing a feather at him would hurt him more), and reboots the building, covered in blood. Meanwhile, security guy gets off his ass, loads himself up with weapons, and gets attacked by a zombie and dies.

Andrea goes to the kitchenette, and strips to clean the blood off of her.She then takes her bra off (told you we'd see her "assets" again) and puts on a Hazmat suit. Of course they stored those in the kitchen. You know, in case the microwave spawns a mutant chicken pot pie. Figuring they're next to the fridge, the door may buy people some time to get dressed. Why she needed to take her bra off and rub her nipples, though... topless pornstars that look like their eye sockets grew and are covered in blood are... sexy? Anyway, to end this shitstorm of a movie, she walks up to aa zombie, cuts its head off and leaves. Janice sits in her office and cries, and Douche gets attacked by the zombie cat. Heh heh... Movie used zombie pussy attack on Douche. It was super effective.

This is by far the worst movie I've ever had to review. I usually skip over things that I don't find important in these reviews as to save time for both me and you readers. Notice that I didn't mention the plot of this movie? Yes, it actually has one, but it's so inconsequential, that it doesn't matter. There's no shortage of random "What the Fuck" moments that I skipped over, too. I seriously cannot think of a worse to torture anyone than to make them watch this movie. Everyone who worked on this movie needs to be locked up in dark room, forever.

One more movie, and Porn Horror is done. And it's... an alien movie? Oh sweet mother... we're fucked. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to avoid probes.