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I have somehow built a life off of watching bad horror movies and potentially warning people about them. Hopefully, along the way, I made some people laugh as well. That's why I want to share some of my favorite movies I reviewed, and share some of the ones I'm excited about and some I will never do. To start on a positive note, let's start with my Five Favorite.
5: Cthulhu
No, I didn't like Cthulhu, but it still made this list, mainly on principle that I remember so damned much of it. It may have to do with the fact that it's a Cthulhu movie for gay people, which Lovecraft may either applaud or raise from the dead to murder people if he knew it existed. There's also the ridiculousness of, well, the whole movie. Russ' overdone lisp, Tori Spelling and her husband that looked like Howdy Doody, and, of course, "Ask anyone in the town. They'll tell you that you're getting a ride from the most rampant homosexual in Rivermouth." I still to this day cannot tell if this movie was pro or anti gay. You'd think since it was produced by a gay/lesbian production company, it would pro gay, but it made Elton John look subtle. Of course, to top is off, there's Magic Cat, the cat that appears, gets nuzzled for ten minutes straight, then disappears from whence it came. It would've felt adlibbed if it wasn't so bizarre that it felt like an outtake that made the final cut.
4: Dark Ride
It sounds like a bad joke: Meadow Soprano, a movie fanatic, their friends, and retarded Albert Wesker go to an abandoned theme park and dance with little boy statues, then get killed. Maybe that's why I can't take this movie seriously. It also may have to do with the fact that everything about this movie screams "What the hell?" Wesker's constant gaping steals the show, along with the classic slur of, "What you think I'm only good for shlisz I don think shlzlo!" Or, even, "Get fucked! And stay fucked for a while!" I still have no idea who wrote that, much less whether or not I want to shake their hand or punch them in the dick.
3: Terror Toons
This movie is infamous among Indie Horror Directors because of... well... everything. They cast a pornstar as a little girl, a drag queen for a mother, and a Will Sasso lookalike as a little boy. It ends with a barrage of fart noises as "Lazy Town's" Stephanie kills every one of the villains. Too make matters, the villains are two guys in costumes, one a purple gorilla named "Max Assassin" and the other, "Dr. Carnage" who looks like a goblin in a lab coat, and gay Satan. And it's introduced by the genetic mutant clone of Pinhead in front of Warhead mascots and Wal-Mart plates. It's a Twinkie House short of complete mess, yet a guilty pleasure.
2: Carnivore
I still have this movie. It took them 20 years to release the damn thing, and I am probably the only one crazy enough to have liked it. I'm glad I did, too, because it's the most ridiculous "serious" horror movie I've ever seen. Through it's veneer of stupidity, you can tell that the cast had a lot of fun with it, which makes it so bad that it's good. Of course, there's also the main character, barring a door with a door, and the best nonsense line ever: "Semier Spack for you, motherfucker!" Why is it a big deal that I have this movie? Because, I've never met anyone who had kept it after watching.
1: Smash Cut
In short, this line: "I kissed the severed head of my dead sister. I think I need to celebrate with some trauma counseling." 'Nuff said.
Top 5 Movies I Will Not Review
5: Splice
I have gotten this as a request, and I don't know why. First off, it's mainly a Sci-Fi movie. Secondly, well... it's not a bad movie, honestly. It raises a lot of questions concerning science as it's headed now. Sure, it may not be the scariest movie made, but realistically, what am I going to make fun of with it?
4: Saw: Any of Them
This is one series that needs to be made fun of, but with one issue: not all of the movies are terrible. It had an original concept that started a following of imitators, most doing worse jobs than the last few movies. The problem lies in the amount of backstory to get into to make fun of even one of these movies. I'd be writing a book, not a review (and I'm already writing a book). A Saw review book? Now, that's torture!
3: Dreamcatcher
I loved this movie, but I understand why people didn't like it. It was close to the book, but with some big differences, including a nonsensical ending. But, it falls under something of a misnomer, mainly because it's based on a Stephen King book. It isn't horror; it's Science Fiction. There's also the fact that had it not been for this movie, I wouldn't have some of the colorful phrases I use today.
2: The Scream Series
I'd love to review this, except for two reasons. The first: Somehow, between sequel after dreadful sequel, it became apparent that the movies sucked, so Wes Craven claimed that they were Comedy-Horrors all along... despite saying they were meant to be serious. He covered his ass, and I'm paying for it (joke). Secondly: I'd get a shit storm. People, for some reason, think these movies are great. I think they need their heads looked at, but that's just me. Let's just say that I won't be able to give Scream what it deserves: a trip to the sewers.
1: A Serbian Film
What's scarier than monsters? How about the porn industry? No? How about the Serbian porn industry? You know, with the torturing of women and the freshly born baby raping!
No, I'm not making light of this. I seriously think this is how this disgusting, vile, and horrific piece of shit was pitched. What's even worse is that someone actually made this movie. And people watched it. There are critics who like this movie! I ask this... where is your sense of decency?
Finally: Top 5 Movies I'm Looking Forward To
5: Killer Klowns From Outer Space
The title says it all, but leaves some out. Like the ending where you meet the King Clown. The movie is insane, ridiculous, cheesy, yet... it's a classic. Making fun of this movie will be an honor.
4: The Human Centipede 2
For those of you who remember the first one's review, you remember how bizarre it was. Not disgusting (which, on paper, it should have been), but bizarre. I also dared people to read the review with "Trololololol" playing, which made the movie seem even more insane. I even pointed out how the movie was medically impossible, which is something the second movie embraces. They also made it black and white. You know, because that'll make a movie about forcing people to eat shit classy.
3. Leprechaun: In Da Hood
If you think about it, how could I not do this one? It's a leprechaun acting "gangsta." I would be a discredit to movie gripers everywhere if I didn't make fun of this. Of course, after the 50 Cent game review, people may say I have a vendetta against rap. Well, I have more of a vendetta against this series of films... especially this one. And the space one.
2. Resident Evil
All of them will be heading here eventually. I know they're more action based, but that's why I'm doing them. The series stated off scary (in the games) and turned into The Matrix with zombies. There's also the fact that Wesker is allegedly so powerful that he cannot be shot, punched, thrown out of a window, etc. Wesker is the little kid playing action figures, and changing the rules when his favorite toy is taken out of commission. "You hit me with a rocket, but... I absorb the explosion!" The rest of the time, he's twirling his imaginary mustache. He's Kung Pow's Betty, but even more ridiculous.
1. Dahmer vs Gacy
I'm still having a hard time believing this movie exists, but it does. And it looks as if its more bizarre than I thought. Scientists get the brilliant plan of cloning John Wayne Gacy and Jeffery Dahmer. Why? Well, for the military, of course. That and... well... why not? Y'know, other than the fact that they're serial killers. Who's next, Jack the Ripper vs. Ted Bundy?
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