Brain Junkfood: Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child

Well, well, well... what have we here? Another music based shooter game, eh? It can't be as insane as giving a rapper an arcade style third person shooter laced with psychic helicopters and evil evangelists. Hell, it can't be half as insane as freeing Aerosmith from a dictator who hates music, using a CD launcher. Nothing, I mean nothing, can be as insane as that.

How about Kiss fighting monsters caused by a nightmare circus from an other dimension guided by a gypsy fortune teller. Yeah... this... this... is... What the flying fuck? I mean, seriously, I wish I had dreamed this up, because this is too damn ridiculous to not make money. Too bad Todd McFarlane, the man with no original idea in his head (seriously named a mobster after a hockey player he didn't like, then denied it, as well as claiming to own a character after owning only the logos, among other bullshit he pulled), decided to use Kiss in a comic book (again), but this time, using a circus, after the album, Psycho Circus, was released. He then claimed he had the idea first. Will this guy never learn?

Anyway, Gathering of Developers, aka GOD Games, and Third Law made it into a game. Okay, sure, why not. It's not the most insane thing I've ever seen made into a game (and, yes, I will be doing this game as a future edition, it's too insane to pass up). And, figuring I found it for three bucks, why not see if it's as idiotically fun as I think it may be!

The intro is the first problem. Why does the gypsy sound like she's trying to pick you up? Did I dial 976-HOT-GYPS-YTALK by mistake? "I have cccccccallled mmmmmmmmany mmmmortals..." I guess that answers that question... ick. But, the true kick in the junk, as if you needed it not to work after the imagine of an old woman gypsy seducing you, is that you don't play as Kiss. You play as a Kiss tribute band, Wicked Jester. That's like getting an Elvis CD, only to find out that the songs are Justin Bieber covers. No one wants Bieber squeaking out "Hound Dog." No one.

No One!

Let's work around the fact that we won't see Gene Simmons fighting flying, bowling ball throwing clowns. Before you actually play the game, you have to choose which avatar will get all of his armor shards first. You're choices are the Starchild (Water), the Beast King (Earth), the Demon, (Fire), and the Celestial (Air)--

Hold the hell on. The Starchild and the Celestial. Celestial means of the sky, and stars are in the sky... they're the same damn thing! Starchild is water?! How? The only thing I can figure is "Fish Monger" didn't sound exactly intimidating. Anyway, the choice is pretty useless, because the game sets itself up in this order: Water, Earth, Air, Fire. If you go outside of that, chances are that you're not going to make it through the game in one piece. We'll get to that in a minute.

Every section of the game is pretty formula. Gypsy tells you a bit about the level, you kill everything, get armor shards to look like a Kiss member (but you still aren't one), then, once you have them all, kill the boss in the Circus. The first boss is a midget clown who throws exploding bowling pins. He has three stages, where he gets bigger and harder. A big, hard... clown. Yeah... The first stage isn't much, theme wise. For a "water" level, there's barely any water in them, and when there is, you're usually running from it.

The next area is earth. True to its element, there's a lot of earth in it, including caves and underground dwellings. It's also where we get our first real tough battle, seeing as "Chubby the Growing Clown" is really a push over. The strongman, however, has a habit of slamming his "two ton" fists on the ground, sending a shockwave towards you. Even he isn't as hard as the "Ballbuster." He has a cannon on his arm, and shoots a ball at you the knocks you off of platforms. Oh, and he's mostly bulletproof. Good thing he isn't claw proof!

I forgot to mention that each character has different melee and special weapons. Water has a sword, and a flying star that kills absolutely no one. Fire has an ax and a Dragon that hits nothing. Earth has claws... and a spear that only hurts people when it hits a wall. I might as well have a Francisca, and throw the fucking thing on the ground. Anyway, his boss is a minotaur that jumps around and charges at you. Once he's dead, we go to the air.

You start off running from everything because you have no armor. Yeah, in every section, you start with only 25 health until you get your gauntlets and first weapon. This is meaningless, seeing as you die in one hit anyway without your armor. Luckily, no one bothers attacking you, perfectly content to let you get your weapon and murder them. I was confused, but once I got my gauntlets, I knew why. Game... you sly trickster you.

You know the pattern of the special weapon being terrible and the melee being awesome? Air reverses that. His melee is a weak electrical current, and his special is a fucking blackhole generator. There's even a bug with the current, other than it doesn't kill anything. It sets your accuracy percentage to 0% every time you use it. Not only does it not kill anything, but it screws up your score (yes, you have a score). Luckily, you're blackhole kills everything you see.

The air levels follow their them, mainly taking you to the roofs of a city. Remember the Ballbusters? They're here, and they will knock you off of the roofs, killing you instantly. If you manage to get through, you'll go to the circus, and fight an organ grinder with a minigun. That's... that's just awesome. But the boss is a regenerating stiltman who heals by draining electricity by transformers. Uh... huh? How does that even attempt any semblance of sense. The clown, sure, a juggler. Minotaur, beast trainer. Electric stiltman... how does that figure? I guess it's because his head's in the clouds! You now, because he's the air element? Okay, not funny...

Finally, we get to fire. Fire is in a foundry and underground. Okay, core of the earth, makes sense... but why a subway station leading to the Frehley, Stanley, Criss, and Simmons? I get the joke, but not why it's a fire level, other than it being underground. Really loose connection to me. Anyway, you go to the circus and fight the ringleader. He has three stages, but is a push over. After he's dead, you choose who you want to play as to fight the Nightmare Child. I played as four people, then told to choose which one I want to finish the game with. Let's recap:

Starchild:
Water
Sword and A Star that does no damage

Beast King:
Earth
Claws and A Spear that hurts people when it hits nothing but a wall

Celestial:
Air
Useless electrical current and a blackhole gun

Demon:
Fire
An axe and dragon that shoots at an arc

I chose the Demon because of his badass ax. Then I ended up in a level made of flesh... and clown faces. I finally get to the last level only to find a wall of seeker shooting eyeballs. Twenty of then, no less. Once I blinded them, the Nightmare Child comes out, and it's comical. He looks like an alien baby with a mohawk, in medieval armor. My mind is officially blown. After his first stage, his head grows legs, and attacks you with fireballs. I fought a wall of eyes, an alien baby, and it's disembodied head, then get a sequence of the gypsy telling me to wake up because my dream is over. Yes, this was all a fucking dream. It gets better, because every monster in the game is watching you impersonate Kiss singing "God Gave Rock N Roll To You."

This game is weird, and a little buggy. Aside from the current weapon being utter shit, it does crash a few times, but that's it. It is a fun game, but strange as hell. I mean, who would have thought to have Kiss fighting demon clowns and floating brains that shoot heat rays at you? Are you telling me that I could have Rush in an FPS set in a bleak future, probably 2112, and have a hit? Wait... that would be awesome. Must write story for it...