My Continuity Alarm is Dying from Buzzing So Damn Much: "X-Men: First Class"

What's the first thing you think of when one says "X-Men?" Sir Patrick Stewart in a wheelchair fighting Sir Ian McKellan? Comic books? A story that's been going on for over 40 years, with fans just as old, and characters as classic in the pop art culture as that Soup Can painting?

How about Bryan Singer somehow getting away with making a straight to DVD movie a box office hit, despite the terrible special effects and acting? That's what we have with X-Men First Class. That isn't to say that the movie was all terrible. James McAvoy was easily the best actor in this movie, playing a young Charles Xavier, followed by Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee, and Nicholas Hoult as Hank McCoy. Michael Fassbender does a competent role as Magento, but Magneto isn't himself, he's a parody of Daniel Craig's James Bond. Then you get to the female actresses. I can give Jennifer Lawerence some credit for her role as Mystique, seeing as she fits the look of the vulnerable young woman who is frightened of what society will think of her. Yes, she's attractive, but she's mousy and cute, and portrays this new version of Mystique well. Too bad Mystique is supposed to be seductive and cruel, but this is an origin story. January Jones plays Emma Frost, and this is where things go bad.

Emma Frost is in this movie for her looks. That actually is within the bounds of her character. The thing is, Emma Frost is a manipulative woman, seducing and using men as if they were toys. She's antisocial, and extremely intelligent, using her assets, both physically and genetically (mutant ability) for her means, having no one controlling her. January Jones says every line as if she's reading the script for the first time. This fits in with our villain, Sebastian Shaw, played by Kevin Bacon. Bacon puts forth a performance that is offensively bad and over the top, reminding me of Cesar Romaro's Joker from the '60's "Batman" series combined with Jim Carrey's Riddler.

The story consists of Xavier and Magneto making the X-Men while Shaw tricks the US and Russia into Nuclear war (being in the '60's). Shaw is known by Magneto by a convoluted means, no less. Apparently, Shaw has the ability to not age (same with Mystique), by using other mutant's abilities to heal himself. That actually is his power, ironically. In the movie, though, he can also absorb bullets, and put forth energy with twice the force as when he absorbed it. For you non geeks out there, these aren't his powers: they're Bishop's. It gets worse, too. Emma Frost's invincible diamond form allows her to move and throw off Xavier's telepathic powers, but Magneto can crack it. She broke adamantium in the comics, but is foiled by a bed frame. Not to mention the fact that she's supposed to be immobile in her diamond form.

Of course, you may be thinking that this review will be about continuity, right? That is a big part of it, yes, but there's more to it than that. The story is incomprehensible, at best, and boring at it's worst. It's written like a '60's spy movie, down to having a montage in the same style, and Beast's God Awful make-up, reminiscent of the original Planet of the Apes. The direction is incredibly bad, possibly part of the reason for the terrible acting. No attention or care was given to the characters' respective integrities, in the script or the overall production, most of them not even having the right abilities, strengths, or weaknesses. Even worse is the fact that the main plot is a cliche that doesn't really fit with the situation we currently face in our world.

It's so bad that even the pet peeves irk me more. What is Singer's reasoning for wanting the bad-ass character to show their bad-assery by being mute, and ending up being inconsequential to the overall story? And if Bryan Singer hates Edi Gathegi that much, why hire him only to fire him from a show ("House") and kill him in a way that makes no sense at all? Why is Xavier a drunkard? What was the purpose of Angel? Why did half the fights in the end of the movie go completely unresolved?

I can sum up the best part of the movie in one scene. Magneto and Xavier walk into a bar and see Wolverine. The following happens:

Xavier: Logan, my name is Charles Xavier, this is Erik Lensherr--
Logan: Go fuck yourselves.

They leave the bar. I saved you $10.


I give this movie 1.5 out of 6 comic pages.