Throw Me Away! "The Expendables" Review

Sylvester Stallone is not my favorite action star by any means. I was always an "Arnie" fan, and even like Bruce Willis more than Stallone. On the other hand, I did like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2." "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo" can go wallow in a pit in hell, though. I also hate Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. So, you may think that I hated this movie, right?

Well, guess what? You are... completely wrong. This movie is to cheesy '80's Action as Super Mario Bros on the DS is to Super Mario Bros. 3. Stupid plot that's there to push awesome action sequences foward? Check. A seemingly unwinnable fight between the main character and a bigger guy? Check x 3. A man throwing a torpedo at a helicopter only to have it detonated by another guy shooting it with a .9 mil? Check. Arnie? Check to the awesome extreme, dude.

What makes "The Expendables" work is the fact that it is just what you think it is: Cheesy action that makes men feel like men. No Edward Norton wussing out of a fight with another skinny guy. No random "I am woman, hear me roar" character "showing up" the male leads because "women are better than men" (looking at you, "Live Free or Die Hard.") No "Let's take our story too seriously" moments. And no bizarre dance scenes (okay, that part of "Gamer" was still pretty cool). If there is anything thrown in that makes it bad, its the CGI blood, which is extremely jarring.

Another bad point is the casting decision for the female lead. She looks more masculine than most of today's action heroes, mostly due to her huge jaw. Even worse, they try so hard to make her look sexy, such as a "tight. blowing skirt" butt shot (that shows she has no butt), and the "bouncing orbs of joy" shots that don't have anything to do with the movie than to show bouncing boobs. If that's the worst I can say about this movie, though, that's pretty good.

The rest of the cast is pretty well done. Stallone seems to have a good chemistry with the other guys in it (yes, even Arnie) to the point that it feels like it goes beyond the movie. David Zayas (Batista from "Dexter") plays a conflicted villain extremely well, and contrasts Eric Roberts' pure villain even better. Statham plays a more human character than one would be used to, but it works well (though, I still think Peter from "Pictures of You" did a better job of beating up an abusive boyfriend). But, that's all the cherry on the Sundae. We all know why people will see this movie.

Jet Li kicking Dolph Lundgren's ass. Yes, it happens, and it's awesome to watch. Especially in the context of what happened and the execution of it.

This movie is what "The A-Team" should've been. It is stupid, yes, but fun. It's what the Summer Blockbuster used to be. If you want an action flick, this is your chance to see it.

I give it 5 out of 6 Exploding Shotgun Rounds