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What's interesting about this movie is the polarization effect it has on viewers. IMDB has a thread on men thinking that women only like this movie because it emasculates men. One reply, from Tippy-Toe, was this: "I'm a woman, and I thought the whole film was pretty stupid, to be perfectly honest. I mean, I've always thought one of the perfect punishments for a serial rapist would be castration. Is there something wrong with that? If a man ruins the lives of five, ten, fifteen people, it just seems fitting. Jail time isn't going to do nothing. Seems like a good protective measure if you ask me. This is not me hating MEN. I love men, I adore them, and I would get no pleasure in seeing their genitals bitten off. This is me hating rapists, male or female. There is a difference.
I didn't really care for the way the film depicted men. Apparently, they're either pigs, rapists, molester's, or pedo's - take your pick. And, consequently, I didn't like the way it depicted feminism. Objectively speaking, I didn't think the men in the film really deserved what they got anyway. It's hard to say. The scenes damn near made me want to throw up, rather than feel excited or relieved and whatnot. But hey, that's my opinion.
The way men and women view rape seems so different. I mean, men get raped all time too. So why is it that, from what I've observed, it's women who hold and express such strong feelings of anger and hate? Are we wrong for feeling this way? Why are we so alone in this?"
A follow up: "by conedust
Yeah, I know women who didn't like the film. Or at least who didn't like it as much as me, and I'm a guy. You ask if the film would amount to anything minus the castration scenes, and the answer is yes -- but it'd amount to something very different. Something much more toothless (so to speak).
We could turn the tables on this question by asking it of countless horror and exploitation films. What would they be without the scenes of women being killed, raped and tortured? Something very different. Does this mean that only misogynists like such films? Probably not. Just as there's nothing strange about women liking a smart, well-written and ballsy feminist horror flick. So to speak."
A movie that doesn't depict women as helpless victims of rape and violence? I'm there! Frankly, as a horror fan, I'm sick of seeing women used as devices to show of the killers cruelty. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't be writing this if this was a good movie. Is Teeth really a "ballsy feminist horror flick," or is it a emasculating piece of shit? Let's find out!
We start the movie with a blue screen. I was watching this on XBox live, so I thought that Microsoft incorporated the Blue Screen of Death. No, its the sky, which we realize a the camera pans to a nuclear power plant. Soon, we see two kids in a pool, Dawn and Brad. Brad's dad is dating Dawn's mom, and doesn't like Brad splashing Dawn. The two argue in true bad acting fashion, except the little boy manages to out act the dad. After the argument, it is implied that Brad pulls out his... yeah. Then he molests Dawn, but promptly gets his finger bit. A seven year old molests a five year old. Thank you, movie. Thank you for keeping this classy.
Roughly twelve years later, we see Dawn giving a speech about staying a virgin until marriage. This will be the theme throughout the first half of the movie, but wait, it will change. She also looks like Heather Graham's stunt double, which fits, because during the speech, she sees Tobey, a boy who looks like he killed Nick Jonas and did a Buffalo Bill with his skin. After the speech, Dawn and her friends meet Tobey, and agree to a group date. Dawn goes home, where we find out her brother likes to have anal sex with women, her mother is dying, and her brother likes to scare his sister by jumping out at her completely naked.
The next day, Dawn goes to school, where she's made fun of for being a virgin. At her sex ed class, we see a picture of a penis in a book, but when the page is turned, the school board puts a giant gold star over the vagina. I guess the school approves? Dawn explains that this is because women have a natural modesty, causing most of the class, save for Tobey and another guy, Ryan, to heckle her. The next scene, she goes to see a movie with her friends and Tobey... just so long as it isn't rated above PG. Dear Lord, these kids are 17. The only excuse for this kind of writing is if they're in a Mormon county in Utah. As the plate on Tobey's car suggests when they show up at make out cave, though, they're in Texas.
Wait a minute... they don't want to watch a PG-13 rated movie because of "scenes of heavy making out," but they go to the cave where teenagers go to do the bop, so to speak? Whose idea was this? Oh, and when the scene starts, we see a tree with a hole in it that looks like a vagina. Yes, this movie will do that a lot. In fact, there's a scene later where Dawn and Tobey go into the cave, but the foreshadowing is so heavy, that you wonder when the camera's going to pan out and show that the cave is in shape of a cameltoe.
After Tobey mentions he isn't a virgin, they leave, and suddenly Dawn's in bed, fantasizing about Tobey. Before she starts masturbating (a phrase that rivals "While Wesker is being sucked off"), she catches herself, and scolds herself for fantasizing. After showing up late for class, she calls Tobey to tell him they can't date because they feel attracted to one another. Because she's 17 and just starting puberty apparently, she talks to her brother, who suggests they have sex. Okay, he's her step-brother, but still... really? She runs to the cave, and calls Tobey, telling him that they have to talk.
He shows up, and Dawn tells him that she brought her swimsuit. She changes into what can only be described as a the least revealing swimsuit known to man, while he strips to his underwear. After swimming for a bit, they get cold, go inside the cave (hence the cameltoe thing), and start making out. Before things get too heavy, Dawn says "no," but Tobey makes the non-convincing argument of "I haven't jerked off since Easter." Why does he remember that, exactly? He pulls his shorts down, tries to rape her, but stops when he hears a crunch. He pulls back where we see that his penis has been bitten off. Actually, all we see is his sack and pubic hair with no sign of a penis being there in the first place. He jumps into the water, and we never see Nick Jonas again.
The next day, Dawn tries to give a talk about purity, but can't because she's rattled by being raped. After the speech, a dance to the most annoying Europop music ever starts to happen, but Dawn finds Ryan who drives her home, and asks her out. She laughs at him, leaving him to drive off while she gets on her bike to see if Tobey survived. Ryan turns around, knocks on the house door and promptly gets sucker-punched by Brad. Brad goes back to his room, which is covered in porn posters. I found something funny out from IMDB. This movie has a 5.8 star rating. According to IMDB's reference page, the porn movies that have posters in this jerk's room not only have the same five people in them, but have a higher rating on average than this movie. Granted, they're rated by a different group of people all together, but it's still funny.
After Dawn finds Tobey's stump being eaten by a huge mantis, again, thanks, movie, she runs home and researches Vagina Dentata. This leads her to go see a gynaechologist. On her way there, we see billboards of naked women. I'm sorry, is there anyone in this movie who hasn't seen a naked woman? There's billboards of naked women, so there's no excuse for anyone to be as oblivious as Dawn proved herself to be. You see, before going to the doctor, she rips out the vagina page from her anatomy book, submerges it in water, and pulls the gold star off, leaving the page in perfect condition. She also looks at the picture as if she's never seen a vagina before, which is funny because... well... think about it. Do I really need to repeat myself?
The doctor finds out that Dawn is a virgin, and tries to-- Wait! Hold on! She was raped, bit Tobey's wang of with her toothed vagina, which means she was penetrated, but the doctor sees her hymen is in perfect condition? Anyway, Doctor Pervert decides to molest Dawn, only to get his hand captured by her vagina teeth. He sees she's a virgin, a decides to put every finger in at once? The scene plays out in such a way that she looks like a puppet on his hand, until she bites his fingers off. She then runs home to find her mother collapsed, and her brother too busy having sex with his girlfriend to do anything about it.
Dawn wakes up in the hospital waiting room, and goes to see Ryan. After telling Ryan about her tooth problem, he decides to get her drunk and have sex with her. His reaction to her being able to bite off things with her vagina is to have sex with her. There are more sexual deviants in this movie than in a Hentai game. What's more is he succeeds. The next morning, she decides to leave to tell the cops, but instead voluntarily has sex with Ryan, until he starts bragging about winning the bet of sleeping with her first. She tells him that it was a sacred vow to stay a virgin... as she's still having sex with him. The only way we know she hasn't stopped is because she bites off his wang. So far, all the guys have deserved what they got, I'll admit. But, um... Dawn is a contradictory idiot.
While she's in the hospital finding out her mom died, her step dad has a fight with Brad, trying to kick him out. Not a shouting match, and actual fight. This leads to Brad's dog, Mother, being loosed and sicced on the dad, until Brad says he didn't love his mom, he loves his sister. Back at the hospital, Brad's girlfriend tells Dawn that they knew about her mother dying, but Brad told her to ignore it. This leads Dawn to go home and do the unthinkable.
She puts on a slip and some make up, and seduces her step-brother. I just punched my self six times for even typing those words. Instead of, I don't know, calling the police on him because of all the drugs he has in the open, she decides to have sex with him, and bite his dick off. Oh, but it gets better. She drops his dick, Prince Albert and all, and the dog eats it. His dog eats his penis. HIS DOG EATS MR. WIGGLESWORTH!Dawn runs away from home and is picked up by an old man. The movie ends when Patrick Stewart's dad wants sex from her, and she flashes a seductive smile.
This movie... is fucking horrible. It tries to be funny, but is so over the top blatant that it is actually less vulgar and even less funny. The acting is mostly bland. Even worse, it takes a somewhat good idea, with a starting moral of abstinence, and turns it on its ear saying that sex is a weapon. Oh, but this isn't the bottom people.
You see, I have one coming up so bad, that it almost makes Cthulhu and The Nun look like Psycho. This is easily the lowest rated movie I have ever seen, evoking such a reaction from me, that I mutilated the DVD cover slip. This next movie is something you have to prepare yourself for, and even then, you won't be ready. Can you take the horrendous acting, directing, and god awful production of... CARNIVORE?!
Stay tuned. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to get some lead condoms.
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