Horrid Horror Movie Review: Episode 50

here are so many Found Footage horror movies that should be on here. Paranormal Activity, Paranormal Entity, Death of a Ghost Hunter, Grave Encounters, Gacy House (those last two will be on here soon), the list is pretty endless. And, as far as they go, it is hard to find a good one, partly due to the fact that it's hard to be scared of something that does not exist, or doesn't act in the way people see in the movies.

I think that's why so many of these movies are about ghosts. There is a pretty deep debate on whether or not they are real. There are even TV shows on both sides. And, if you'd ask me years ago, I would've said that I was a skeptic. Now, I'm not exactly sure. I've seen my share of bizarre things, but I'm not going to say that every "haunted" place is real. One of the most compelling pieces of evidence I have seen was on the show, "Ghost Adventures." They caught a teddy bear moving in the Edinburgh vaults in such a way that I can't explain it.

This movie, though, try as it might, is nothing like that. If someone actually tried to tell me this movie was real, I'd have to shove them in an oven, turned off, and lock them in until they admitted their faults. Okay, maybe that's a little rash. Then again, you didn't have to watch Episode 50.

We start the movie with Episode 49 of "Paranormal Investigators," or "P.I." as all the hipsters call it. Our host, Jack, and his team of three people, Girl (Andi, I think), Jose (no, that's not a stereotype, but wait for it), and superstitious black guy, Damon, make their living debunking hauntings on their show. What they find in this episode is a faulty fuse box, rats (that we never see), and a "mess of paint cans that are open in the basement, next to a vent." Fresh out of the gate, and I have something to bitch about.

1: The paint cans were in a neatly made stack.
2: None of the were open.
3: They weren't near a vent, but a brick wall.
4: Even if they were in the basement, and covered in dry paint, I doubt they would be hallucinating. That would mean the paint on our walls would make us see things. The only way this would work is if I was eating lead paint, or if I was Hunter S. Thompson hiding his acid stash in Rustoleum. Not even four minutes, and my head is hurting.

As they tell the family this, they make it a point to call the husband names. I'm thinking it's probably because they came their after seeing a tape of him attempting to hit a ghost with a hammer, and instead "hitting" his wife. By "hitting," I mean missing completely, them putting a light coat of make up (sans swelling) around her eye to make the socket look "broken." By "broken," I mean like half of her face is a Halloween zombie costume, made at the last minute. This movie can't even make a bruise look real, how do think their ghosts are going to look?

Our team plans for the fiftieth episode by talking about meeting up with the owner of an abandoned mental asylum. I know, this sounds cliche all ready. Trust me, it gets worse. Much worse. They ask what the catch is, and the guy, who is dying of cancer, tells them... something? Seriously, it sounds like "Catechumen, catechumen, if you do, prove West Virginia. I know where I will burn for eternity." Once more, there are no subtitles for this movie. What the hell is so hard about either hiring actors who can speak, or subtitling. Figuring how many shows subtitle people who have a slight accent, but most people can understand them, it should be easy.

The catch, as it turns out, is they have to work with another group who researches the supernatural. What's the difference? Well, supernatural implies that the phenomena cannot be explained while paranormal means science can explain it. That's what the movie says at any rate. Let me check a big-ass dictionary. Ah! "Paranormal: beyond the range of scientifically known or recognizable phenomena: rare, unusual, supernatural." ...Son of a bitch, movie! That's the, what, tenth dumb thing you've done? I've lost count. Seriously, I know this is how a lot of skeptics see this, but the words mean the same fucking thing. Get over it, and find a new word. Like, oh, I don't know, unexplained phenomena.

The leader of the second group, I'll dub him Reverend Douchenodule, believes he is different from every other paranormal investigator, because he believes in God and "yes, even exorcisms." Upon hearing his high and mighty bullshit, my brain came to a screeching halt.Zak Bagans has called in several exorcists before, during, and after cases he's worked on, believing himself to be possessed a few times from cases. Ryan Buell, founder of the Paranormal Research Society, is Catholic, and even encourages prayer to help ward off malevolent hauntings. Hell, psychic Chip Coffey has stated that he believes "in God and the angels." Where are these atheist paranormal investigators that you're talking about?

He loses more credibility when he gets in a fight with Jose. He pushes Jose, which sets off his short fuse. Yes, because all Hispanics have a short fuse. Somehow, I feel the only book the writers read was "Stereotypes that Will Piss Everyone Off." Hell, even Reverend Dickpunch is a Southern Accent and a child molestation scandal short of being a complete stereotype. I know you maybe asking if that joke was needed, but, trust me, it was. Especially when you find out that he's dating his psychic, who has the personality and characteristics of a child. His voice also randomly gets James Earl Jones deep.

A deal is made: Jack sets up his cameras, and they share the footage with Arch-Bishop Lazyass. His group says a prayer for protection, while P.I. waits for their secret member: Kieron. Oh, sweet monkey farts in Charlie Sheen's hookah, Kieron, the Scottish psychic... who shows up in a kilt, and drunk. So, the writers read two books. They also read "How to Offend the Scottish." He also makes fun of Jose being afraid of bees that magically appear in one of the rooms. Does he make fun of Mathematicians for using logic, too?

The teams split up, Girl and Kieron going to the Bee Room, Jose staying in the TV Room, and Damon and Jack roam around aimlessly. Preacher Assbanger and Psych Girl go to find possible places to make out. And nothing happens for 45 minutes. Seriously, the only "interesting" thing that happens is Kieron and Girl getting EMP's from "the Nurse," while Jack is asking "the boy" for his name. Also, occasionally, we get glimpses of a ghost that walks like something from a Tool video.

Kieron gets scared away by... absolutely nothing. Girl still tries to communicate with the nurse, and eventually gets kidnapped by...

Is that a person in a...

The Joker?! She gets kidnapped and put through electroshock by a person wearing a Joker mask that was painted over. Sweet merciful crap, this movie's budget had to be worse than my tips to McDonald's staff members. Not only are the actors minimum wage workers, but so is the make-up artist.

Girl survives, and tries for half an hour to tell Jack that it was a ghost. He doesn't believe it, because "Ghosts don't exist, because that would mean HE exists." If you don't get it now, wait for it. This piece of dialogue stuck out, though:

Jack: She electroshocked you!
Girl: Yes, but she didn't kill me when she could have. She didn't kill me to tell us that she's the good guy.

Remember kids, if someone kidnaps you, hurts you, but doesn't kill you, they're good. Wait, I meant this!

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Good people don't kidnap you and torture you! For that matter, when they see the tape, they don't call the police. They bumble around for "hours." The only reason Girl researches the boy is because she has a "I'll show them" moment, and finds out that the boy ghost is actually the ghost of a killer who killed seven women to get locked up in order to kill the eighth so he could open the gates of Hell. Wait a minute.... WHAT?!


It's the fucking plot of Silent Hill 4: The Room! I... just... I can't do this anymore!

...

...

Okay, so theirs only a few minutes left in the movie. Seriously... most of it was them walking around, doing nothing. Reverend Donkyballs finds out that the portal of Hell is in the West Virginia Prison, and rushes over to it. Jack follows to tell him that it's stupid because God doesn't exist. He feels this way because he watched as his sister as set on fire, and God didn't save her. This is why Jack became a PI; to prove God isn't real. I suspect Jack's last name is Ass.

Jack follows His Holy Dumbfuck to a series of tunnels where he confronts a projection of the Gates of Hell on the wall, complete with a Devil who kills him... somehow. Jack grabs his cross, now believing in God. He runs towards the wall projection, and.. dies... somehow. By the way... this was completely found footage. Yet... there was no camera man that followed Jack or Father Dicknugget in the tunnels.  How did anyone get this footage from the imaginary camera man?

It doesn't matter, because this movie has no right to exist. More than a quarter of it is walking around, and there are no real scares, no build up, and no suspense. Oh, but there are stereotypes that would make a good case for racism in the US.

For now, this is the Windowkeeper, signing off to decipher the EVP from my bedroom.

"There's my stash! In the walls! Nixon!" What the... Thompson!