To Err is Human... Or Alien Technology

I was supposed to review Dead Space 2, and, even though the demo was pretty bad, I was looking forward to it. I had the Collector's Edition reserved before the "Your Mom" ads hit. After the ads hit, I refused to review it out of a now personal bias, due to the fact that the ads have all ready polluted me against the game. One of the things I learned in school is not to advertise outside of the target audience, and the "Your Mom" ads blatantly target children. But, I soldiered on, and played the game, due to the fact I couldn't cancel the reserve (it was online). Maybe the game will be good, but I still wasn't going to review it.

Instead, I played one of the most infuriating parts I played in video games for my friend who designs Indie games, and my editor. Five enemies that take out a quarter of your health in one hit, that are so fast that you can't see them. Worse, they stay hidden so you can't shoot them, and the power to slow them down is worthless due to the fact that they still hit you for full damage, despite not having enough force to (physics is a bitch, I know). I had to fight five of these bastards before progressing in the game, and I couldn't even shoot them in time. I've played parts like this before, so it doesn't sound so bad that it'd break the game, right?

This was in the beginning of the game. That's a problem. It's worse when you consider that not only is a part that hard in the beginning of the game, it's also one of the hardest parts of the entire game. The boss battles are simple, not quite quick time events, but rail shooter levels. They're only made difficult by the sheer fact that you will not know what to shoot at certain points, because no effort is made into showing you what's going on, other than drawing attention to the creature attacking you. Gone are the yellow sacks of dismemberment that glowed, replaced by floating gas cans that look nothing like exploding gas cans due to them being a flat brownish red. Of course, the challenge is then taken when the game tells you to shoot the cans after to die.

Level design would be okay, if they didn't do one of two things: repeat the same level design as the first game, or remake levels from a far better game: F.E.A.R. 2. This is especially shown during the school level. It replicates all of the key moments from F.E.A.R. 2, complete with the stage. The only thing missing was a Necromorph screaming "The ass! He's behind the ass!" When you have to rely on a better game, and hoping people forgot about it, to make a stage "better" by duplicating it, you're doing something wrong. That's not to say don't use it for inspiration, just don't do the same damned thing.

Also a bad choice is making enemies that swarm you in the beginning of the game when you should only have a weapon with a slow firing rate, knowing full well that preorder DLC will give them an overpowered weapon. Again, in the beginning of the game, I was swarmed by creatures to the point that I couldn't kill them all. Then, I used the pre-order bonus Force Gun, and obliterated them. The over reliance on DLC is bad enough without making a part specifically meant for a DLC weapon. There's all ready a problem with incomplete games being shipped out only to have the DLC complete the story (see the Mass Effect 2 review).

Finally, the story. I'm not going to get into the whole "Nicole is now an evil bitch that Isaac hates" part, because that is inherently funny just by that thought alone. No, let's talk the MacGuffin-- I mean Marker! In the first chapter, it is said no less than 10 times that the Marker is man-made. This isn't counting the intro, either. Right in the beginning of the second chapter, this line of dialogue happens:

Isaac: Why are these things here?

Daina: The Marker is powerful Alien Technology.

You have got to be kidding me. You seriously reversed everything you just told me last level with that sentence. And that gets worse, too. SPOILER ALERT! HERE BE SPOILERS TO AN INCREDIBLY STUPID PLOT POINT!!! After Daina betrays you, she tells you that Isaac made the Marker. No, game. You have just destroyed three games worth of info, especially Dead Space: Extraction when they mention that the Marker is centuries old. And you did this in less than an hour. At least God of War waited three games before saying Kratos never got help from the Gods in the first place.

Keep in mind that this isn't a review. This is pointing out some things so glaringly obvious that it makes the game terrible. And yet, critics loved it. Take it from a gamer; this isn't what people want. Give us a fun game, a good story, or both. Not the same recycled trash that's been chewed up and pissed on.