Horrid Horror Movie Review: Carnivore

The age old axiom of "What has been seen cannot be unseen" comes to mind with this review. I have seen the bottom of the barrel, dear reader, and believe me, its not pretty. I have seen the plotless blasphemey of Cthulhu, the nonsensical ramblings of The Nun, and even the ever gaping face of retarded Wesker in Dark Ride. But, never in my life did I think I would find a movie so over the top bad, that the star of the movie isn't listed in the credits. Seriously, the rest of the cast, right down to the person who just "voices" the monster (I use that term VERY loosely) is listed, but the guy who plays the main character in this is nowhere to be found. It gets worse, too people.

After reviewing Cthulhu, I cracked the DVD in half. This was not done out of rage, this was done out of the safety of humanity. If someone found this movie in the dump, and decided to watch it (for some dumbass reason), they would be spared by my quick thinking. Carnivore, though, actually coaxed such rage from me, that I paused the film to take out the DVD slip and carve the word "NO!" into it. At first, it was a reply to part of the movie, but its become a trophy; its now saying "Thank God that there won't be a sequel to this horrible piece of celluloid history, this mutant abomination of shit, bad writing, horrible acting, horrendous editing, and images of monster splooge (I kid you not) that shouldn't have existed in the first place."

You may be saying that I'm making this up as I go along, but trust me, I have the pictures to prove how bad this is. The DVD has no features other than the movie. No outtakes, no subtitles, and no commentary. What it does have is a shot on video movie that couldn't pass as an indie film in the '70's, complete with more akward pauses and forgotten lines than Twilight. This movie is so bad, that the guys from MST3K couldn't make fun of it, because they'd be laughing through the movie. That's how bad Carnivore is... actually, it's WORSE! It's so bad, that I put off on talking about it for three paragraphs now. That has to be a record for me.

The movie starts with a narration of a woman talking about a scientist working on a government project: a monster that eats people, named Carnvore, or "Carni" for short. You know, because all monstorous government projects need cute nicknames! The scientist is bitter because "Carni's" pheromone levels are higher than normal, read "Carni's horny." This extremely important, can't-be-ignored plot point is rubbed in by both the scientist, and the narrator, who both repeat this no less than five times each. The scientist also mentions that he took "a google of cash on a leg of lamb." Okay, now, I was corrected on this that its supposed to be "gougol" which still makes no sense because a leg of lamb doesn't cost as much as all those zeroes. Sure, its an exageration, but even those have limits. And even then, he'd be spending it, not taking it.

The scientist decides he needs to give Carni a shot, so he opens up her door, and tries to stick her with a needle. Did I mention that he's supposed to be a genius? No? Now you know why. Carni attacks the guy (the first "no shit, dumbass" scene in the movie) and proceeds to... do... something. I would say Carni is humping his corpse, but its shown in a first person POV, and Carni is a female. Whatever Carni is doing, she leaves a trail of slime on him. I'm thinking this is monster cum... you know, due to the pheromone levels being high in the monster. But, its never really expressed in the movie. Instead, we get a scene where we meet out narrator, Dana Anderson, who works for the Department of Defense Intelligence Agency, or "DIA" for short. I'm sure they mean "DODIA," but figuring the direction of this movie, I can't tell. Maybe they didn't want to sound like Porky Pig. Dana's acting is worse than if they pitched in the extra few bucks and hired a porn star to play this part. Dana tells the director of the DIA that Connie-- CONNIE?! They were calling it "Carni" now it's "Connie?" This isn't her accent, people, they change the pronunciation. Anyway, Connie escapes, and the director takes his (male) assistant (who is covered in more make-up than Gene Simmons) to tell the scientists working on watching the house to keep this from the upper echelons of security. Yes, keep the info secret from the people who NEED TO KNOW IT!

We cut to our main character, Scott, who is a musclebound jock type with long hair coming home in a pink and blue leotard, carrying a plastic trashbag full of paintings. What is he doing with these paintings? Why are they in trashbags? For that matter, WHY'S HE IN A LEOTARD?! We will never get an answer as he goes upstairs, calls his friend and asks if his friend's girlfriend is coming. He then asks is his friend's sister is coming. He tells his friend that his own brother is bringing the beer, and that he's going to bone his friend's sister. His plan is to have three guys and two girls, one of which is his friend's sister who he wants to have sex with, to go to a "haunted house" and do the dew. No! No, movie! Bad! Don't do that again!

We cut to Dana in a limo with two DIA Agents in glasses: a black guy named North and a guy that looks like Scott in a tux named Liddy. They see that Dana is asleep, so they start talking about "modifying" an Uzi by replacing the insides of it with that of an assault rifle, thereby making it more powerful. Yes, if by "more powerful" you mean if you launched it from a cannon, because all its good for now is either cannon fodder or dumpster fodder. They plan on killing Connie, because "that Dana's a bitch." This is the best logic they can come up with? Kill the monster because the woman's a bitch? How did they put this together? Oh, because her mission is to capture Connie alive and she heard them the whole time. She was awake, because she needs to pee, to which Liddy tells her "no, go in a bottle." By the way, North is now driving the car, even though he was in the back.

Scott goes to pick up his friend, Marc, Marc's girlfriend, Dee, and his sister, Bobbi. Bobbi thinks Scott is a moron wearing a pink shirt right off the bat. This is because he's wearing a pink shirt, and has the world's dumbest grin on his face. By the way, our movie's "icon of masculinity" is a buff guy wearing pink. Yes, pink used to be the color for male babies, but in today's world, this means Scott thinks "Bobbi" is short for "Robert." They get in the car, only to worry Bobbi, who doesn't want to go to a haunted house. I'd be more worried about the fact that the men stuffed the girls they intend to boink in the back of the car, so they could be up front. This worries me more than them drinking beer while they drive. Sorry if this seems like "gay bashing," but Cthulhu damaged my psyche in this area. They pass by Sherriff Marty Hoyt and Deputy Pedro FromNaploeon-Dynamite, who ignore them and play games. They take off and pass the DIA agents, who now have a flat. Liddy and North are scolded by Dana who goes to the woods to pee finally, while they walk to the flat, and bow their heads. Seriously, they pray for the tire. They have a funeral prayer for the tire!

Dana comes back to see them eulougizing, and finds out that neither of them knows how to change a tire, even when they were in the Special Forces. They can survive in the woods, but they can't change a tire. So she changes it. While she does, the kids show up at the house, but park back a foot away so that they can sneak in through the woods. The woods in a resendential area. They're worried about being seen going into the house, but not the woods. I can see how these guys are geniuses. While walking up there, Marc hits on Dee, causing Scott to give him a big flashlight, due to Marc having a small penis. It is supposed to be a joke, but the way they've been acting, I'm thinking Scott is serious.

They go into the house, look around, get drunk... and go to the attic where they find some antiques. Scott and Bobbi go downstairs and find the cooler open. They ignore it and sit down. Scott looks at Bobbi nervously, turns away, and repeats this three times before suddenly getting extremely close to her, and offers her a beer in the most creepy manner possible. She says yes, and they find out that the cooler is empty. Meanwhile, Marc and Dee decide to have sex in another room. This scene contains the two only good things in this movie: Dee's breasts and Marc getting killed by Connie.

Let me explain something: Every slasher movie worth its salt seems to have a sex scene, but with no build up. Besides Connie's pheromone levels and Marc's jokes, there is no build up for the sex scene. But, the male in me has to mention that Dee's breasts are seriously the only good feature of this movie, due to the fact that they're real, and NOT huge, DD's that almost every slasher has. She has a modest build, but, from an aesthetic view, still amazing. Too bad that this scene is tarnished by Marc getting eviscerated and splattered on top of her. Dee puts her clothes back on, and runs down screaming. In the mean time, Sherriff Hoyt and Pedro show up, but linger outside until the girls run out screaming, distracting them from Scott running upstairs. The Sherriff tells Pedro to take the girls back to the car... after they watch them run to the car. They then stay downstairs.

Scott goes to the bedroom, looks at Marc's dead body for 20 seconds, and ignores it until he turns away from it then looks again. He screams after seeing Connie, and runs into the attic. What insues is the most badass thing since Yor gliding with a dead bat. Scott locks the door, and bars the door with another door. He blocks the door with a door. You can't tell me that isn't awesome. Connie, though, crawls under the boards, and attacks Scott.

By the way, the Sherriff and Pedro just now hear this, and Pedro runs upstairs. Scott gets up, grabs a 2x4 and hits Connie on the head with it, sticking by the nails in its head. Scott then screws whatever epicness he had with one line: "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" I rewinded this scene more than I did with "Trevor doesn't want a yee-yee" and "Padre Pine in a Corridor." More than Wesker's slur in Dark Ride, and more than " I love the goat" from Black X-Mas. All I can make out is "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" All I can figure is that he's advertising for "Paul Semier's Wall Spackle." Semier Spack: For YOU!

Scott runs out and watches Pedro get killed. Too bad the Great Will of the Macrocosm couldn't save him. Scott runs into the Sherriff, who lets hims run to the car due to Pedro being dead. The Sherriff goes outside and runs into the DIA. Dana introduces herself as "Dan Anderson of the Department of Defense Intelligence Agency," which causes the Sherriff to yell about how they shouldn't be here in his town. Liddy grabs the Sherriff's throat and threatens him until Dana (or "Dan") tells him to put him down. Liddy then squat-walks off screen, holding his Uzi like an assault rifle and screams "GOD, I LOVE THIS SHIT!" The purpose of the scene was to show that, I guess, becasue the three manage to walk into the house with no more objetions. By the way, the Sherriff and the teens are never seen again.

Connie sees North and kills him, while Liddy and Dana look in the lab. They find the scientist is dead, and are shocked by it. Liddy loads up live rounds after touching Connie's splooge, and they go upstairs. Dana touches the railing and finds more slime. She expresses that it's cold, to which Liddy replies, "That means it's been there a while," as he walks upstairs making a weird face at the camera until he's halfway off the shot. It's like this was an outtake and the director put it in anyway. Hell, it's like they shot nothing but outtakes, and this was the best one they had. Who does Liddy think he is, Horatio Caine?

They split up, and Dana finds Connie. Connie won't attack Dana because she's unarmed, and not afraid. Connie then explains that she can sense pheromone levels, but confuses arousal with fear, which is why she attacked Marc. This is caused by her pheromone level's being high. She attacks people because she's horny, but confuses sex with killing? Connie is really that dumb? Even worse, she looks like the bastard child of Whoopie Goldberg, Ted Danson, and a Silverback Gorilla. Liddy bursts in and shoots Connie until she's a lifeless lump on the ground. Dana yells at him, to which he screams, "Just doing my job! MA'AM!!!" Seriously, he's the best actor in this movie, and he still can't act. Dana goes back to her car and radios her secretary saying that they need back-up. The end.

No, seriously, that's it, the whole movie. It ends on a cliffhanger. You know what, I'm not going to say this movie sucks. I'm not going to acknowledge that it even WAS a movie. Instead, I'm going to anticipate the sequel to this... thing. Sure, "it will never happen," you say. But, people said that about "Dahmer vs. Gacy." You know what, I'm not going to rest until "Carnivore 2" is made. Even if I have to make it myself with an all homeless drunk cast. Even then, it'll be better acted and directed.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to write my script for "Carnivore 2: It Kills... AGAIN!" God, I need a life...