Video Game Retrospective 1: Loaded and RE-Loaded Part 2: Loaded

Like I said before, Loaded was one of the goriest shooters of its time. People exploding into a mass of blood, and constantly... but when you start of a game with a muscular man in a purple dress, hilarity may actually ensue. I opted out of playing as Butch, and his Flaming Queen (seriously, that's his flamethrower's name), and chose my stand by, FWaNK, the Psychotic "Cwown." Of all things, he's armed, again, with a proton blaster and homing teddy bears that explode.

As the game starts, you realize that its not just bloody, but disturbingly fun. Occasionally, you'll come across Master Chief with blond hair, and you'll have to fight him. In fact he's one of two bosses in the game (no, its not really him, either). He only shows up at the end of certain levels, and about four times. The problem is he likes to stay out of range by flying and shooting at you. When he lands, he shoots at you constantly. He also never dies, but opts to fly off instead.

The game itself is a key hunt, but a well done one. You go around, killing everything you see, grab a key, repeat. There is a lot of backtracking, though, and it does start to wear on you after a while. Some levels don't need keys, but need you to collect components for a bomb or gas to fill up your car. These missions are nearly impossible unless you are a pro at this game. Why? Respawning enemies. Dog-leopard things, rats (the most hated enemy ever in this game) and scorpions will surround you and kill you until you're deadx5. Even if you cheat, you'll go through more smart bombs than you really should. I was fed up with scorpions to the point where I shouted "Fucking scorpions! Eat my bear!" out of sheer frustration. But the rats... oh God the rats.

Rats will follow on top of you, squeak, and chew on you. If you turn to shoot them, they go so fast that they out run the blast and chew on your ass some more. Even better, in every level with rats, they respawn... and reproduce. You killed ten rats in one area, when you return, thirty will be waiting for you. It's frustrating as all hell, but you can get through it... with a lot of ammo used.

The music has one fundamental flaw: it repeats. Can you play a game where your favorite song looped constantly? Imagine a twenty minute (at shortest) level with the same one and a half to two and a half minute long song looping. You start to sympathize with your character. What's worse is that it's actually good music (the instrumentals are fantastic), but you'll be sick of hearing them over and over. And they only use five songs out of 28 in a 15 level game.

Graphically, the game is impressive for a PS1. The characters aren't true 3-D, but are animated well. The backgrounds are details pretty sharply, even if some of the 2-D sprites are pixelated. But the one standout aspect is the mess you make. The blood spatters aren't sprites, but different textures for the floor and walls. Hence, the world changes around you. Yes, this took me years to figure out, but is still kick-ass.

The second, and last boss, if FUB (Fat Ugly Boy). ...Okay, so Ennis had a creative block when trying to think of a funny name. FUB is a bullet sponge, but a breeze. Shoot, avoid his bullets, shoot some more. Use your smart bombs and he'll go down hard. See below for his "death." Yeah his head flies off, and you have to fight him again in RE-Loaded.

Oddly enough, the game holds up today, even if it resembles a Flash game. It's addictive, and "pretty" if you can call this mass of goo pretty. But, the music and repetition grind on you after a while. By the way, we're only half way through this. Yes, people some of the psychos are returning, and more pissed than ever. RE-Loaded is coming your way. For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to eat some meat smothered in the red stuff.

Relax, its chicken parmesean.