How Far We've Fallen: Why the Series Finale of House Sucks

You know, I got to give David Shore credit: he made a "medical" drama last five more seasons than it should have with the same three stories, and a romantic sub-plot that is more cliche than calling something cliche. Among the wreckage of story lines involving House's vicodin addiction, everyone lying, or House announcing to the world that God doesn't exist (yes, Shore, we get it, you're an atheist, let's move on), there were some great episodes ("Half-Wit," "House's Head" and "Wilson's Heart" being my personal favorites), but, let's face it, the moment House tells the ghost of his best friend's girlfriend that he wants to die because he doesn't want to be in pain, you probably cannot top that.

Instead of trying, we get House going through rehab... again, House seeing ghosts of dead team members, Kutner inexplicably killing himself, House and Cuddy dating (because fans wanted it, and nothing more), House speaking against religion, committing crimes, and going back to vicodin when he fears too much change or loss. Joy. It's the same season with "Huddy" thrown in for fan service. Oh, did I mention Olivia Wilde being in half the episodes she was contracted to be in, because no one liked her character, even after not one but two lesbian scenes in one episode (during sweeps, no less).

The last season has House in jail, then out of jail on parole. Why? Because he drove a car through Cuddy's house. Foreman is now chief of medicine, and tries to keep House on a short leash. Of course he fails constantly, because House is always right. House's tenure should only go so far, but, hey, it's the David Shore ego hour.

Fast forward to the past few episodes. In a twist that only the dimmest of bulbs couldn't see, Wilson the oncologist has cancer. House struggles with accepting this, and becomes a dick... well more of a dick. He finally learns to accept this, after flushing tickets that Foreman gave him down a toilet, clogging a pipe, and causing the roof to collapse on his patient. Wilson has only five months to live. Foreman tells Wilson to spend those months with House... then sends House to jail for vandalism for six months.

House makes a deal to do his job to avoid jail time. Instead he tries to kill himself in a burning building. Wait, no! He tries to convince other people to "take the fall" for him, including Wilson (more on this soon), and ends up on his patient with ALS. While we are tricked into thinking House died in the fire, it was actually a clever ruse by House. It was his ALS patient who died, House switching the medical records, and House gets out of work and jail time to ride off on his bike with Wilson.

This is where it takes a turn for the dumb: "Taking the fall" meant "dying in the fire."He wanted Wilson to "take the fall" for him. In other words, he wanted to kill his best friend, and use him to fake his own death. Wilson thinks that this meant jail time, which means House lied to him. There's a term for this: CONSPIRACY TO MURDER! Also, INSURANCE FRAUD! If Wilson means that much to House, why ask him to do this?

Then there's the "Happy Ending." House and Wilson ride off into the sunset. House, who faked his own death and has to make a fake identity for himself ala David Banner. He either must find a way to control the raging beast that dwells within him (Vicodin), or come back and serve jail time for vandalism of the hospital, arson, insurance fraud, and murder, all of after Wilson dies. Also, if he decides to keep hidden, he cannot be seen at Wilson's funeral, lest he be caught.

Which is inevitable as Foreman finds House's ID, and takes that as a sign of, "I'm still alive." This means that House intends on attempting to come back, or that House tried to get a one up on Foreman and is taunting him. Foreman can easily get the last word by calling the police.

Finally, there's the implication of House being selfish for faking his death in order to spend time with Wilson (whom he offered to kill earlier). This is against his character as proven in "Wilson's Heart." House and Amber are talking on a bus "near death experience. Amber tells House to go back because Wilson needs him. House tells her this: "Because, I don't want him to hate me." Yes, that can be seen as selfish, but think of this: Wilson is his only true friend. He knew that he would potentially lose him over this, and could not blame him.

You want to know something else? He could have stayed, but he went back anyway. He did this knowing that Wilson would hate him. Because, you know... House is selfish like that.

They should have ended the series a long time ago, that's for sure. But, this ending was a joke. I'm not mad that it wasn't a happy ending, I'm mad that it was ridiculous. There is closure, but it feels like a Season Finale, opening more questions than closing an entire show. It's like ending this post in mid sentence, after mentioning the walrus. Oh, I didn't mention the

This... Is... The Payne Killer: The Max Payne 3 Review

It says a lot about Rockstar that the only reason I don't like one of their games is because I don't like playing the bad guy. Yes, I don't play Grand Theft Auto for it's story, only to create chaos. But, it also says something about them when every one of their games is released as a buggy mess. I still cannot play Red Dead Redemption without John Marston trying to ride off into the sunset, and getting stuck in an invisible wall. They weren't always like this, as I remembered my days playing the first two Max Payne games. As I started to play the third, I thought it would hold up. Then, I learned my lesson.

The story is actually pretty damned good. Max is hired to be a body guard to a rich Brazilian family, and ultimately fails at saving the wife of the rich business man. He goes on a rampage of death and redemption from his alcohol and painkiller abuse to save her, which goes terribly wrong. While one has to wonder how Max always gets involved in these mad conspiracies, the game delivers a hard, gritty story that does keep the player interested. It protects itself from cliches by throwing in elements of the darker crimes that have not been explored in the previous games, and fit the setting. By the end of the game, though, you realize that you've played this game before, as it is pretty much the first two games combined. That's not a bad thing.

Where Rockstar seemed to have dropped the ball was the actual gameplay. What starts off as a Max Payne game has you taking cover in the second third of the game constantly. Shoot dodging becomes ineffective, as you'll die in three hits (at most) on Medium difficulty. The challenge would be welcome, if it weren't more due to bad enemy placement, cheap deaths, and the Last Man Standing mode being incredibly ineffective. In  practice, Last Man Standing gives you one last chance to kill a guy before you die so Max can take some painkillers and heal. The problem comes from the fact that this depends on your view, and not Max's. I died countless times shooting at an enemy that Max was looking at, and that my cursor was over, but could not hit because a little bit of a wall was in my view. This is the same wall Max was using for cover, that the bad guy shot him through because he just happened to be hiding on the other side, out of my view.

There is also the instances where you clear a room, but die when you try to progress because either A: there are bad guys in the next room that kill you as soon as you even shoot dodge in it, or B: the game didn't spawn the right number of guys, so when you try to progress, another guy spawns and kills the person you're protecting.

The game gets truly cheap in the last third of the game. Every enemy takes roughly five to twenty hits to kill, even with head shots. For a game that is trying to be more realistic, this is terrible. I can understand with the guys wearing helmets taking at least one extra shot, but pumping the same, unarmored guy with round after round to no avail, when he can kill you in three hits is not what the series is about. Throw in some terrible boss battles with guys in full body armor (that you have to blindfire on because all of their bullets hit you even when you're in cover), and you have something that is overly frustrating, and, lets face it, disappointing.
The last level especially is fueled by these moments, as well as one of the most droning, depressing songs they could put in the game. This is what it sounds like when you can't afford Poets of the Fall.

The game does look good, though. Instead of going for a graphic novel feel, Rockstar uses traditional cut scenes, and has certain words pop up on screen. These do spoil the story a lot if you pay attention to them, but it doesn't matter in the long run. Characters react to bullets in realistic, and sometimes hilarious, way. Even in the slums, you're left looking around at the details in awe. But, again, questionable choices, such as Golden Guns, come up, and you're left to wonder if Rockstar wanted this to be Max Payne, or not.

What it comes down to is that Max Payne 3 is a good action game, at least 2/3rds the way through, but not a good Max Payne game. While the story is very well done, and excellent, the game itself is marred by way too many moments of "What were they thinking?" and "What do you want me to do?" If you're expecting to play guns blazing, you will be disappointed, but if you want another cover based game, mixed with a little stunt work, this is your game... or 2/3rds of it.

Overall: B-

+ Great story
+ Action packed
+ Visually appealing
- Cheap placement of enemies
- Bulletsponges
- Not Max Payne
- Terrible soundtrack
- Did I mention the bullet sponges?

Brain Junkfood: What's Wrong with This? 2: Silent Hill 2

It says something about me as a horror fan when I find something wrong with the fundamental plot of, not just a Silent Hill game, but the "best" Silent Hill game. See, I'm in the minority that thinks that Homecoming was actually not a bad game.And that's funny to me too, because... I'll admit something that I probably shouldn't be admitting. It's the same plot as Silent Hill 2. The only difference is that Homecoming explained some of the dumbest plot twists that Silent Hill 2 had. Do I think that Pyramid Head should have been in it? Well... No, but he also shouldn't have been in the second if I'm technical about it.

See, Pyramid Head represented James' guilt, and would torture him by chasing him around. He also represented Alex's guilt and chased him around. The difference is that Alex's punished the people in Alex's life, in front of him, where as James' acts as exaggerated version if himself. There's also the big issue with the game that I have that pretty much everyone disagrees with me about. The fact that, you know... it's not fucking scary!


The premise of the game, in case you've been living under a rock in the deepest recesses of the ocean buried under the corpses of primordial fish and dinosaurs, is that James gets a letter from his dead wife. At first, James doesn't mention that she's dead, but when this comes up, the player starts going "What the fuck?" The smart player starts saying that ten seconds after they get out of the bathroom you start in. You have to get the map from your car, and walk to the next town. It gets better. It's a straight shot to the next town, of Silent Hill, so James goes down a straight road, gets distracted by a red sheet of paper (more on that soon), and walks further down the straight road into a cemetery where he tells Angela Orasco that he's lost. He got lost... walking in a straight line.

Ladies and gentlemen, clue # 1 that James Sunderland is a moron.

He goes into town, finds a radio and a weapon, and eventually goes into an apartment building. He runs into Pyramid Head, who is raping two monsters. This is supposed to represent James' sexual repression. There are so many things wrong with this, that I don't even know where to start. Let's just say this first off: Why is Pyramid Head punishing James by assaulting the monsters? Secondly, and most importantly, it really has very little to do with the plot.

This is my first of many rants about this game, but only one of three that may be in here. There are only three mentions in the game of James' sexual frustration. First is this, second is Angela being raped by her father, and the third is Maria saying that James wanted someone like Mary who wouldn't yell at him, and could satisfy him. Yet, every monster is either oversexualized (nurses), or taken to mean that it's sexual. Abstract Daddy, I can see. But the lying figure and flesh lips? Let's see, Mary was coughing up a lung, and the lying figure vomits on you. And the flesh lips look like morgue drawers. Hell, even Freud didn't think every cigar was a penis!

Also in the apartment is Eddie Dombrowski, who's a little bit special. He's vomiting in the apartments, but eating pizza the next time you see him. If the cast also represents aspects of the main character, then Eddie must be James' lack of intelligence.He's made fun of to the point where he starts killing those who insult him. As he tells James this in the end of the game, James calls him insane. Yes, James, call the mentally handicapped man with a magnum insane and expect him to rethink his idea.

Of course, he tries to kill you. Clue #2 that James is a moron.

There's a little girl who is pretty much inconsequential to the plot, if you ask me. Sure, she gives you a letter, but most of the time you're chasing her to get information from her about Mary. Then, there's Maria, Mary's doppleganger. James keeps calling her Mary, and this pisses her off. She's the last boss, and "the key" to getting the best ending in the game. The more you protect her, the better the ending. But, as with anything in this game, there's a catch.

At one point, you find Angela attempting suicide. She gives you her knife, and walks away. If you examine the knife, you lose ranking for your ending. I protected Maria, but looked at the knife, and got the worst ending. This confused me until I found out about this today.

Most games in the series have you saving at symbolic points. Here, it's a red sheet of paper. This is supposed to represent the letter you have, but think about it. James picks fights with gun-wielding madmen, gets lost going down a straight line, and can't even think of why Mary and Maria look the same. He confuses them. but he doesn't get that they're the same person. Maria is, like, evil Mary. By the time he figures this out, he has been tricked into getting locked in a monster filled room by an eight year old girl, challenged a challenged person to a gun fight, mentioned time and time again that his wife died (one time, in front of him), but is still believing she's alive, and has fallen down eight bottomless pits. Seriously, one section has so many bottomless pits, that even he asks if he absolutely needs to go down them? Oh, did I mention the wallet?

Yeah, I forgot about the wallet in the puke-and-poo filled toilet. He sees it and decides to take it. Not because of the money, but because it was in there with a combination to the safe. The safe has money, right? No, it has ammo. At this point, I was carrying 120 pistol rounds. I ended the game with 260 Pistol rounds and 100 Shotgun shells. That's not counting what I used. Dead Space gives you less ammo, and that's supposedly action-horror!

Perhaps what really pisses me off about Silent Hill 2 is the fact that everyone makes James out to be evil for killing his wife. Out of the context of the game, this makes sense, killing is wrong. This is a gray area. She's dying anyway, and in pain. She asks the doctors and James to kill her. He finally does it, and people immediately think her disease killed her. Even though she allegedly said that she didn't want to die (I've played the game twice, and only heard James say that she wanted to live in the bad ending), you have to realize that James didn't want to watch her suffer more than she didn't want to suffer. Let's think about this.

James kills her and forgets that she's dead in the span of three years, much less that he killed her. She yells at him, berates him, and tells her to kill her. He has the intelligence of a toddler. My point: James doesn't know right from wrong! This renders Pyramid Head useless. What would have been better was locking James up in his room without dinner.

Or, take it another way. He thinks he failed at killing her, and came to Silent Hill to finish the job. That means that he didn't believe the doctors confirming she was dead. Which also means that if she's alive, the doctors lied to him. Wouldn't he be trying to kill the doctors (since he's too stupid to sue for malpractice)? Chances are that he's trying to legitimately get to Mary because he loves her, not because he hates her. And, yet, that doesn't explain the big issue: how did James forget that he killed Mary?

In Homecoming, Alex blocked that he killed his brother because of both shock and the fact that he never fully grew up. That's not even implied with James (though it is possible). Instead, we just have to accept that he forgot that he killed his wife, and went looking for her, despite knowing that she was dead. The addition of Eddie doesn't help things either. Nor do the joke endings. Seriously, a dog is controlling everything? What the fuck?

It also bothers me how upfront the game is about what they're trying to portray. Towards the end, James wanders through a prison. Subtle, game. It's hard to make him seem evil when all you can see is a misunderstood man who cannot tell what he did was wrong.

If I had to pick a way to close this article, it would be like this. Silent Hill 2 placed the series on the map, but critics feel the new games are taking away from the game entirely too much. Homecoming had the same plot. Downpour dealt with imprisonment. The Room had Walter Sullivan, who in the second killed himself with a plastic spoon. Take this on a deeper level. Maybe they're complaining about those games because they kind of point out how this one isn't really the best in the series. I figure it's this way:

Eddie: James' stupidity.
Maria: James' inability to distinguish right from wrong (hence she looks like Mary as a stripper, but acts "loving")
Laura: The child he could never have/ his mentality
Angela: Abuse and/or not understanding sex
Pyramid Head: Not so much guilt as it is repressed memory
Mira the dog: Escaping reality
Holes in the labyrinth: the plot holes in this game.

In speaking of plot holes, next time, we'll delve into why time travel rarely works  they way we think. Continuity away!

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Hellraiser: Revelations

I thought that Hellraiser: Bloodlines was the lowest the series could get. It broke continuity, and it was badly written and acted (how many French people had American accents in it?). Even Hellworld had some redeeming factors (though that is still coming up). But... what happens when you take the star of the series out of it? You get something that all of the Hard Cider in the world can't take away. Nor can a shoefull of Baily's in a club where people wee on each other. Trust me... I tried. Don't judge me... it was still better than this movie. Without further ado... Hellraiser: Revelation.

We start the movie with Bevis and Butthead going to Mexico to get their dicks wet. That's not a reference to Sideways' "Get your bone smooched" line at all. Then again, Bevis does ask Butthead if he brought the beer, and Bevis is banging Butthead's sister. Fuck me... I'm watching Carnivore again! Semier spack! After picking up a prostitute, and killing her, they find their car stolen, and go to a bar where Sela Ward is stripping to Billy Connelly staring at her. A vagrant walks up to them and tells them that he can sell them something that will put them on the same level as conductors and surgeons. What about engineers? C'mon! The Engineer!

Bevis buys the box and tries to open it. When Bevis tells Butthead that he's a pussy for asking for help, he asks for help on opening the box. You're a pussy for asking for help, people, until you call someone else on it. Butthead films this all as Bevis manages to open the box.

Let's stop before we get to the actual plot of this movie (this was the segmented beginning that's told throughout the film). This is the problem with Hellraiser sequels. Everyone knows how to open the box. How? It's a puzzle! In the first two, it made sense since it was a family member opening it, and she had the attachment. I could buy a detective who was obsessed with puzzles opening it. But, a drunk college kid opening it easily? How the fuck does that work? I mean, with something that complicated, only a Mensa Member should get it.

Turns out that Steve's Mom is watching this all on his camera. His sister, Emma, calls her for dinner with Nico's parents. Emma mentions Nico (her boyfriend) and Steve which causes both of their parents to call her selfish. She's concerned about her brother (mostly). Obviously, she's a selfish bitch. She's sent upstairs as a punishment, while her dad, a psychologist, smokes a cigar. Our Freudian father is not the only mention of a phallus in this movie. Just wait.

Emma sees the camera, and starts to become obsessed with the puzzle box herself. She hears what Pinhead wanted: "The Box. You opened it. We came." The... box... Please, God, tell me this isn't what we should expect for the rest of the movie. Suddenly, though, Butthead returns, covered in blood. Nico's dad tries to use his cell phone, but there are no towers by their Los Angeles home. They also live four miles away from their neighbors. What are these people, the world's worst Mennonites? Also, their cars are gone. They pay no attention to the fact that some one, somehow stole their cars, dropped of their son, and left without a trace. Seriously... no one fucking notices any of this. There's cutting off the characters, then there's reaching for plot points. Take a guess which this is.

Butthead's in shock, and explains that he tried to walk to LA from Mexico, but was picked up by a prostitute that looks like Adriana Sage. The box tells him to kill her, so he follows through. The next thing he sees is a muscle of an arm and a face. It's Nico who says this clunky gem: "Her blood has brought me back to life! Bring me more!" First off... No to the writing. Secondly: NO! In order to start the cenobite resurrection, the blood of a family member needs to be used. This was established in the first movie, when Larry's blood brings Frank back from the Cenobites. Unless the prostitute was related to Nico, her blood isn't going to do a damned thing to bring him back.

I should probably mention something else that isn't like the rest of the movies: Pinhead. Doug Bradley dropped out of this one due to his salary being cut. The two guys, one for the physical Pinhead and one for the voice, couldn't be any less of a fit if they tried. Fred Tatasciore doesn't so much as imitate Pinhead as whispers gravelly. And the guy doing the physical stuff cannot stop making angry faces. Pinhead is supposed to be devoid of emotions. Walking around, scowling at the world like a pissed off emo ass biscuit isn't going to make you terrifying. It's going to make you pretty fucking lame. It also doesn't help that he's making a new Pinhead Cenobite.

Wait... what the flying donkey fucking Phil Hellmuth? The new Cenobite is a Pinhead... Aphex Twin... show my rage. Excuse this next bit, people...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES!? THE CENOBITES ARE TRANSFORMED INTO A WARPED VERSION OF WHAT BRINGS THEM PLEASURE. THIS IS WHY THE TWINS IN HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES WORKED. THEY COULDN'T STAND TO BE SEPARATED, SO THEY WERE MADE INTO ONE. ANGELIQUE'S BEAUTY REMAINS INTACT, BUT SHE IS FORCED TO USE IT. THE CHATTERERS ARE USUALLY BINGE EATERS, OR CARNIVORES. PINHEAD IS IN PERPETUAL PAIN BECAUSE OF HOW HE BROUGHT PAIN TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS FOR PLEASURE. MAKING ANOTHER VERSION OF HIMSELF (AND WAIT UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHO IT IS) MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. DID THIS IDIOTS EVEN WATCH THE SERIES?

Where was I? Oh, yeah... Hellraiser: Revelations. Why didn't I just watch The Human Centipede 2? So, Butthead goes on a killing spree, murdering hookers until Bevis is a walking skeleton, and it's hinted that every time one dies, he cuts off some of their skin. Butthead refuses to kill one because she had a baby. Bevis kills her instead, then breaks the baby's neck... for no reason.

We find out that Butthead is asleep, dreaming of skinless women making out (by the way, if you're still listening to the Scream... what's wrong with you?), and getting his face skinned off. Freud, after examining his son's underwear--

I... um... what the fuck is going on? Did I miss a bit of the movie? I mean, I know I skipped some of it, such as Butthead's bored deadpan delivery of lines as he attempts to go night swimming, but I was busy raging. Why is his dad looking at his son's boxer briefs? Why does this matter to me? Because I really don't want to talk about what happens next.

Freud gets a shotgun as Emma watches Nico's dad (Peter) try to force open the puzzle box. She takes it from him, and tries to seduce him while opening the box. Yes, people... when Pinhead said "The box, you opened it. We came!" that was, in fact, innuendo. Is nothing sacred in this movie? Mom sends Emma to give soup to Butthead, which leads to him trying to make out with her. No, not Emma's mom and Peter, Emma and Butthead. You know... brother and sister. Thankfully, she runs out after having visions, but one has to wonder... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Freud and Peter hear noise outside, and find a vagrant. Peter shoots the Vagrant, who then promptly skins Peter's forehead. Suddenly, Peter's entire face is missing, and I'm too jaded at this point to point out the continuity flub. He dies, and Butthead comes out, grabbing the shotgun, and shooting Frued. As it turns out, Butthead is actually Bevis, aka Nico. Nico loved pleasure and pain so much that he tortured women during sex. After opening the box, he was tortured by the Cenobites, in a scene that bastardizes the "Jesus Wept" scene in the first movie. Nico escapes, and after Butthead refused to kill the last prostitute, he skinned him and wore his best friend's skin.

Since his motivations are similar to Pinhead's obviously, he's the new Pinhead, right? No, Butthead is. What... the... actual... FUCK?! No, movie! No! Shame on you! You do that outside, you bad dog! Bad, bad dog! Shame on--

So, anyway, Nico outs that Freud was banging his Mom, and forces Emma to open the box. Pinhead sees Nico, and tries to take him, telling him that he won't trade Nico for Emma. Apparently, she's going to open the box on her own. Freud shoots Nico, killing him. Despite the fact that Pinhead tortures souls he gets pissed off, and takes Emma's mom before leaving. As Freud dies, Emma reaches for the box and rubs it. The end.

I'm not going to say anything else about this. I'll let Clive Barker, creator of the classic Hellraiser and The Hellbound Heart take this. " I want to put on record that the flic [sic] out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN' CHILD OF MINE! have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker, it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole." I couldn't agree more that this festering pile of shit is not worthy of anyone's ass. Let's see, what's up for next time?

Are you kidding me?

This is the Window Keeper, signing off and wondering why this always happens when Poop jokes are made.

Move Complete!

So, the move took three days, but it's finally done. I said that I'd elaborate on that before hand, and now that I'm moved, let's get into this.

One of my old neighbors, lets call him Tom, is part of a motorcycle gang. Said motorcycle gang is now nothing but a bunch of police snitches (not to be confused with informants) who go to the police because they're afraid of every other biker gang in the US. Tom doesn't care, though, because he thinks he's a badass. Apparently, this means he can get anything he wants.

Including deployment movements from the Marines that live next door to me. He also has a nasty habit of snooping on everyone. A few months back, he was seriously wanting to call the police on the Marines for doing their laundry. Tom is not an intellectual giant. Thus, why I wasn't aggressive when I told him that one shouldn't ask Armed Service members when they will deploy. He took it well, seemingly, telling me that his motorcycle gang will protect the building. Between snitches and Marines (and myself being recently discharged from the Army), who am I going to trust. I told him that I didn't care about that.

He threatens me then, telling me I know nothing about his gang. The problem is that not only do I know about the gang, but I have friends in the police force from when I was in my unit (as well as higher). When he sees I'm not afraid of him, he tries to intimidate me by "barking" outside my door all night. By "barking," I mean he sounded like he was coughing up a hairball.

A few days later, as I'm pulling out, I almost get hit by another neighbor speeding into the parking lot. I back up and hit the bumper of Tom's truck. Total amount of damage was less than $10 (seeing as he "fixed" his light with a Mountain Dew can). The police couldn't do anything because it was seen as an accident, and even Tom's significant other, who saw what happened, backed me up on the story. To make things better, there was more damage to my bumper than to his. Figuring it's just a bumper on my car, I offer to pay for the damages. He wants to file with the insurance companies, so we do. His gets a hold of me and mine. My company tries to get a hold of him. He never replies to my company.

A few days later, the apartment manager sees Aberline, my Chinchilla. He gets pissed off, despite being fine before this, saying that Aberline is going to attract fleas. His fur is too thick for fleas to survive in. At this point, I'm looking for a new place anyway, so I tell him just before he says either the pets go or I go.

Keep in mind that the manager of this complex has been my friend for the four years I've been living there, helping me with two problem neighbors, both drug dealers who thought they could intimidate me (one even threatening to kill my family). He then says that I can't tell Tom not to talk to Marines. I explain the issue with that, and he understood pretty well. The next two weeks, though, he starts giving me the stink eye.

Now, back to the drug dealer thing. Most people would move out after the first time. I'm both stubborn, and not wealthy. At the time, I was having issues making ends even come close together, much less meet. Right now, things are tight, but my new situation will help things improve. While I stayed in the complex, I moved from building to building, first because I was losing sleep due to noise (I worked nights at Target and went to night school at the time). The second was because I needed more room. Both of the said dealers knew I wasn't afraid of them, one of them finding out why after he decided to try to hit me in my own home.

Last week, I find an affordable townhouse. My credit checked out, and I started packing, including throwing old, useless junk away. Tom keeps spying on me doing this, and tries to tell my manager that I'm up to no good. The manager won't tell him what's going on, and Tom gets angry. He finally figures out, yesterday, that I'm moving. He talks to the manager about this, and the manager tells him that he evicted me.

While I think he did this so Tom couldn't say, "I scared away an Army guy!" this is something that can land his ass in trouble legally. I wasn't evicted, I got tired of criminals moving in around me. The manager would evict one, and three more would pop up. At my time of leaving, there were eight dealers, a prostitute, a gang, and ten squatters (in an apartment) in the complex, and the owners were more worried about people drinking in their apartments.

I then find out, after the manager greets me cordially that the owners didn't like the fact that I complained about the drug dealers and gang members, so they told him to force me out of the complex. Okay, so I was costing you some business. But, I was costing you the business of criminals. Hell, if they were so worried about it, why did they act like they didn't own the place most of the time? They made it quite obvious that their other property was their priority over this one.

Anyway, this ended well. Last night, I ran into the neighbor above me in the old place, carrying away various chemicals, including cough syrup. He tells the manager's daughter that he's taking care of fresh water fish. With cough syrup and hydrochloric acid. Makes sense to me.

Anyway, I'm in a two bedroom townhouse, now. It's amazing, has two floors, and a porch. The only bad thing I can say is that people around here either don't realize that I'm living here now (which that was remedied), or they don't see that the parking space they're taking is assigned to my apartment. The neighbors got real apologetic when this was mentioned, and seem nice over all so far. The visitors, though... Minor gripe, considering I'm still close to the building, and that it's a nice place to live. If you asked me four years ago, I would've never thought this possible.

Looks like I'm moving on up.

News And Bits

The good news is that the Brain Junkfoods are coming. I'm doing the What's Wrong With series, skipping "Sunnyville Yard Sale" for now. The reason is that I'm going to start doing Brain Junkfood videos soon, as well as Let's Plays. What's Wrong With series is going to be a little late.

That's part of the bad news, the lateness. I should have What's Wrong With Dead Space 2 done my April. The reason I'm missing my monthly target is because I'm moving to a townhouse next week. I'll elaborate later, but suffice it to say, I'm excited.

Also, I'm working on trying to get some more Horrid Horror Movie Reviews done, possible one a month. I'm hoping The Human Centipede 2 comes to Netflix soon for it, but I have a few on back log. Those may be done in video soon, too, which I'm the most excited about. I have ideas for a lot of the HHMR's and Brain Junkfoods that, to be honest, kind of stuck with me. These include a slide whistle!

Anyway, I'll keep some updates periodically. Stay tuned!

Brain Junkfood: What's Wrong With This? Part One: Dead Space 2

There is no quicker way to earn my seething hatred than to take a good concept for a horror movie, game, book, etc, then put a dumbass twist in the end. Well, normally, that is true. Dead Space 2 jumped on the challenge wagon with the infamous "Your Mom Hates Dead Space" ad campaign. For those of you who don't know, the campaign was a "focus group" of mothers watching Dead Space 2, and commenting on how disgusting it, and people who play it, are. This was shortly after the ad debacle with Dante's Inferno, and after Visceral Studios and EA Games claimed that they would never advertise to children below the rating age. So, some genius decided to advertise in a way that would attract children. Having gone to school for graphic design and advertising, this tainted me from reviewing the game, ethically. Unlike IGN, I have ethics! Luckily, this isn't a review, nor completely serious. Without further ado, what's wrong with Dead Space 2?

Continuing from the first game, where Isaac Clarke managed to single handedly destroy a metric shit load of "aliens" and free himself from an overrun mining station in space, Isaac is now in a mental institution on Titan, the moon of Saturn. In a mental institution, no less. Funny. I seem to remember Isaac getting mauled by a Necromorph in the end of the first game, but maybe, I'm looking at this with Rose Colored glasses.

The first section of the game has you escaping from the mental institution with the help of a woman named Daina. So far, every woman in Isaac's life has either A: Died B: Betrayed him or C: Given birth to him (and probably died shortly afterwards, betraying him by never taking care of him). Figuring Daina isn't his momma, chances are, she's going to betray him. But first, she has to remind us several times that the Marker is man-made. Just about every other line: "It's man made! It's man made! It's man made! It's alien technology! It's--" Wait a dog-fucking, honey badger licking minute. Did she just say it's alien technology, after saying that it's man made? And, to make it even better, she says that it's man made a minute later.

Sweet Mother of Continuity Fucking Space Chimps... I cannot believe just how many people missed this point. I couldn't even find it in "Dead Space Wikia." I've played this part three times, and every time, I immediately catch "It's powerful alien technology." So, she just did what I never expected: She betrayed the plot. I'm honestly surprised Isaac didn't lose his mind upon hearing this. No, the mind fuck is yet to come.

She does in fact betray him. She is a Scientologist-- UNITOLOGIST! I mean, the difference is about as major as confusing IGN with Yellow Journalism, or Jessica Chobot with awful role model for gamer girls everywhere. Yeah... that's another topic for another type of article. Lo and behold, she dies when the real villain, Hans Tiedmann, no really, that's his name, shoots the window, sucking her through it into deep space. Isaac crawls in a vent and eventually meets the rest of our sad sack cast of characters. The first is Stross, a fellow mental case who keeps going through "the steps" to destroy the marker. We'll get back to those in a second. The second is Ellie, a pilot who initially hates Isaac for... reasons.

Actually, this is understandable. She doesn't really hate him so much as distrusts him at first. This is quickly changed when she meets Stross, and asks Isaac if she can kill him. Isaac tells her not to, because he can come in handy. Saying that the violent psychotic will be helpful is about as smart as saying a rabid dog would make a great pet. Or that being in a game also means that you can cover it in journalistic stories. Dammit, I did it again! Sorry!

Well, of course the inevitable happens, and Stross tries to kill Ellie. Twice. The second time, he pulls out her eye. This is foreshadowing for later. Yeah, remember those steps that I mentioned Stross ranting about? Well, after you send Ellie off of the Sprawl, you come to grips with your dead girlfriend's death. She leads you to a machine that can be used to destroy the Marker. Step 1: Crawl in to the machine. Step 2:The screws go tight all around. Step 3: Cross my heart hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye. If you screw this up, Isaac dies by getting his eye stabbed. This somehow manages to dislocate his entire jaw, too.

After the machine, Isaac goes to the final battle. Teidmann tries to kill him with a harpoon gun. Isaac shrugs two of them off as if he's fucking Superman. He then shoots Teidmann with his own harpoon. Nicole touches him, and he has to fight her and the marker. If he loses, Isaac shoots himself with the harpoon gun, which somehow dislocates his entire jaw. For the love of God, people, physics! Jaws don't just fly off when an area remotely close is hit. Especially when you shoot the bottom of your face through the top of the crown. Your jaw is not going to hula hoop around the harpoon!

If you win, however, Isaac mopes until Ellie saves him. Isaac is a defeatist who won't do anything to save himself, yet he can save a woman with one eye, kill several monsters stronger and bigger than him, and destroy a horrible artifact that he made, despite the fact that it's supposed to be thousands of years old, and alien technology. He can't save himself, though!

But, that's all not the biggest issue I have with Dead Space 2. Enemy AI comes close. Slashers will die if you shoot their arms off. So, what do they do? Guard their heads with their fucking arms! The developers seemed to have decided that the best way to remedy the lack of intelligence by filling the room with more monsters than the room has square feet. If Dead Space 2 were a drink, it'd be really, really bad Powerthirst: "More monsters than this room has room for!!!"

But, the biggest issue is the shitty level design. One area is repeated no less than five times before anything happens. I go from a freezer to another freezer... until finally... a monster screams at me. Then another freezer. Then another. Then finally a fight. In another freezer. With a hallway so full of monsters that they can't even move.

The biggest offender is the school level. I played it more than three times. Mainly because I played F.E.A.R. 2. It's pretty much the exact same level, but in reverse. The only thing missing was, "The ass, he's behind the ass!" Of course, that means she'd have to be in this game, and review it. Okay, that one was reaching a little... Not by much though.

I have to give Dead Space 2 credit; it does have some creepy moments. They're just overshadowed by its sheer stupidity, and lack of original level design ideas. I mean, lets face it, the few new scenes that weren't from the first game were so short lived, that they're barely memorable. The only one I can remember is flying from a train car to another train car, and that's because it was done in two different ways, in two different places in the game. Is it a bad game? Mechanically, not really. Everywhere else, it falls flatter than Jessica Chobot's acting. And you wonder why I refused to review Mass Effect 3...

Coming up, we have the bane of my gaming existence, and killer Smurfs. But, can they compare to the most off the wall bad games that is actually completely awesome? Let me ask my friend, Zack, after we delve into Singularity and Silent Hill 2 next.