Brain Junkfood: What's Wrong With This? Part One: Dead Space 2

There is no quicker way to earn my seething hatred than to take a good concept for a horror movie, game, book, etc, then put a dumbass twist in the end. Well, normally, that is true. Dead Space 2 jumped on the challenge wagon with the infamous "Your Mom Hates Dead Space" ad campaign. For those of you who don't know, the campaign was a "focus group" of mothers watching Dead Space 2, and commenting on how disgusting it, and people who play it, are. This was shortly after the ad debacle with Dante's Inferno, and after Visceral Studios and EA Games claimed that they would never advertise to children below the rating age. So, some genius decided to advertise in a way that would attract children. Having gone to school for graphic design and advertising, this tainted me from reviewing the game, ethically. Unlike IGN, I have ethics! Luckily, this isn't a review, nor completely serious. Without further ado, what's wrong with Dead Space 2?

Continuing from the first game, where Isaac Clarke managed to single handedly destroy a metric shit load of "aliens" and free himself from an overrun mining station in space, Isaac is now in a mental institution on Titan, the moon of Saturn. In a mental institution, no less. Funny. I seem to remember Isaac getting mauled by a Necromorph in the end of the first game, but maybe, I'm looking at this with Rose Colored glasses.

The first section of the game has you escaping from the mental institution with the help of a woman named Daina. So far, every woman in Isaac's life has either A: Died B: Betrayed him or C: Given birth to him (and probably died shortly afterwards, betraying him by never taking care of him). Figuring Daina isn't his momma, chances are, she's going to betray him. But first, she has to remind us several times that the Marker is man-made. Just about every other line: "It's man made! It's man made! It's man made! It's alien technology! It's--" Wait a dog-fucking, honey badger licking minute. Did she just say it's alien technology, after saying that it's man made? And, to make it even better, she says that it's man made a minute later.

Sweet Mother of Continuity Fucking Space Chimps... I cannot believe just how many people missed this point. I couldn't even find it in "Dead Space Wikia." I've played this part three times, and every time, I immediately catch "It's powerful alien technology." So, she just did what I never expected: She betrayed the plot. I'm honestly surprised Isaac didn't lose his mind upon hearing this. No, the mind fuck is yet to come.

She does in fact betray him. She is a Scientologist-- UNITOLOGIST! I mean, the difference is about as major as confusing IGN with Yellow Journalism, or Jessica Chobot with awful role model for gamer girls everywhere. Yeah... that's another topic for another type of article. Lo and behold, she dies when the real villain, Hans Tiedmann, no really, that's his name, shoots the window, sucking her through it into deep space. Isaac crawls in a vent and eventually meets the rest of our sad sack cast of characters. The first is Stross, a fellow mental case who keeps going through "the steps" to destroy the marker. We'll get back to those in a second. The second is Ellie, a pilot who initially hates Isaac for... reasons.

Actually, this is understandable. She doesn't really hate him so much as distrusts him at first. This is quickly changed when she meets Stross, and asks Isaac if she can kill him. Isaac tells her not to, because he can come in handy. Saying that the violent psychotic will be helpful is about as smart as saying a rabid dog would make a great pet. Or that being in a game also means that you can cover it in journalistic stories. Dammit, I did it again! Sorry!

Well, of course the inevitable happens, and Stross tries to kill Ellie. Twice. The second time, he pulls out her eye. This is foreshadowing for later. Yeah, remember those steps that I mentioned Stross ranting about? Well, after you send Ellie off of the Sprawl, you come to grips with your dead girlfriend's death. She leads you to a machine that can be used to destroy the Marker. Step 1: Crawl in to the machine. Step 2:The screws go tight all around. Step 3: Cross my heart hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye. If you screw this up, Isaac dies by getting his eye stabbed. This somehow manages to dislocate his entire jaw, too.

After the machine, Isaac goes to the final battle. Teidmann tries to kill him with a harpoon gun. Isaac shrugs two of them off as if he's fucking Superman. He then shoots Teidmann with his own harpoon. Nicole touches him, and he has to fight her and the marker. If he loses, Isaac shoots himself with the harpoon gun, which somehow dislocates his entire jaw. For the love of God, people, physics! Jaws don't just fly off when an area remotely close is hit. Especially when you shoot the bottom of your face through the top of the crown. Your jaw is not going to hula hoop around the harpoon!

If you win, however, Isaac mopes until Ellie saves him. Isaac is a defeatist who won't do anything to save himself, yet he can save a woman with one eye, kill several monsters stronger and bigger than him, and destroy a horrible artifact that he made, despite the fact that it's supposed to be thousands of years old, and alien technology. He can't save himself, though!

But, that's all not the biggest issue I have with Dead Space 2. Enemy AI comes close. Slashers will die if you shoot their arms off. So, what do they do? Guard their heads with their fucking arms! The developers seemed to have decided that the best way to remedy the lack of intelligence by filling the room with more monsters than the room has square feet. If Dead Space 2 were a drink, it'd be really, really bad Powerthirst: "More monsters than this room has room for!!!"

But, the biggest issue is the shitty level design. One area is repeated no less than five times before anything happens. I go from a freezer to another freezer... until finally... a monster screams at me. Then another freezer. Then another. Then finally a fight. In another freezer. With a hallway so full of monsters that they can't even move.

The biggest offender is the school level. I played it more than three times. Mainly because I played F.E.A.R. 2. It's pretty much the exact same level, but in reverse. The only thing missing was, "The ass, he's behind the ass!" Of course, that means she'd have to be in this game, and review it. Okay, that one was reaching a little... Not by much though.

I have to give Dead Space 2 credit; it does have some creepy moments. They're just overshadowed by its sheer stupidity, and lack of original level design ideas. I mean, lets face it, the few new scenes that weren't from the first game were so short lived, that they're barely memorable. The only one I can remember is flying from a train car to another train car, and that's because it was done in two different ways, in two different places in the game. Is it a bad game? Mechanically, not really. Everywhere else, it falls flatter than Jessica Chobot's acting. And you wonder why I refused to review Mass Effect 3...

Coming up, we have the bane of my gaming existence, and killer Smurfs. But, can they compare to the most off the wall bad games that is actually completely awesome? Let me ask my friend, Zack, after we delve into Singularity and Silent Hill 2 next.

Brain Junkfood: Painkiller Blowout Part Three: Dreamkiller

It was once said that George Washington had holes drilled in his skull to relieve the pressure in his head. I never used to believe that. Then I played Dreamkiller. Let me put this in perspective: I just compared the stress of the first American President to playing a video game, and I'm completely serious. After playing this game, I feel like I need wooden teeth, and a shotgun while riding a cheeseburger eating robot wolverine. Only something that epic can redeem this mess of a shitty game.

I don't know where to begin talking about it. I could say that the developers tried, but I can't make that statement without cowering in a corner. The one seemingly redeeming factor is the mental asylum that shows that maybe, just maybe, Mindware can do their own game. You start on Scrabble tiles and end up fighting patients in bear traps. The walls have eyes that follow you, but don't, cats eating children, and little boys ready to stab puppies. You then end up in a castle, and the level goes to shit.

The big problem that Dreamkiller has is simple: It's Painkiller with a female character who can only carry two weapons, and makes "witty" remarks. By witty remarks, I mean obvious shit that would be found in only the dumbest horror movies. After killer hundreds of spiders, giant ones, no less, she starts fighting a giant-giant spider, and says, "Something's not right." Really? Tell me more! I mean, seriously, what the fuck was your first clue? It couldn't possibly be the giant spiders, could it? Or the fact that you're living in Someone Else's Dream? Hell, for that matter, someone else's game?

Even the weapons are the same. Freezing shotguns, miniguns with rocket launchers... all the same weapons from Painkiller. They even use the damned dogs. In speaking of enemies, why am I fighting the same giant spiders from the arachnophobia dream in the frigiophobia dream? are spider's Alice's biggest annoyance? I might as well address right now that spiders and "monkey-dogs" will follow you throughout the game.

As for the story, you play as a Suicide Girl turned psychologist named Alice Drake, who has the power to go into people's dreams, and rid them of their phobias. She finds that the Dream Killers are making the phobia's stronger, which means she has to face her past. She was a government experiment as a child.

She was... a government... experiment...

Are you FUCKING kidding me?!

That's the big twist? I went from rip-off to cliche in less than one game. Do you realize the talent it takes to do that? That amount of jackassery and kniveling fuckery is more impressive than the bullshit that most game developers who release the same title every year with different characters (if that) and manage keep their fanbase, if not increase it pull. The only way that's possible is if they actually put effort into the game, and that can't be true! That really can't!

What you don't understand is how bad this game is. I couldn't finish it because the game ramps up the nonsense physics to the point where you can't move. Enemies blast through walls like the fucking Kool-Aid man, and about as destructive. I got stuck under a filing cabinet. A doctor pushed it on top of me, and I couldn't push it off. Not even with a rocket launcher could move it, but a fat-ass doctor could by meandering into it.

If I talk about this anymore, I may explode. This is the one game that numbs my brain faster than eating a bucket of ice cream at breakneck speed. I need something that will make me feel a little more sane. I think I need to check out some Yard Sales.

Why am I in a circus tent...? Oh, God! Sodomizing clown!

Non-Linear Path: Good Games Gone Bad

I've attempted to write humorously about bad games, even its difficult. Allow me to talk seriously here in the edition of a new series of articles. Granted, these won't just be about bad games, but, this one will be. And they're not just any bad games, either, but games that either had a clever premise, or games that could have been good, only to fall flat. We're not talking about games like Painkiller Overdose, which are terrible, but sequels. These have to be the first in their series, even if they may be complete ripoffs of other games.

We'll start off there, as a matter of fact, with Mindware's Dreamkiller. Many of you have guessed that it'll be the special finale to the Brain Junkfood Painkiller Blow-Out. Many of you may have guessed that it's a rip-off of Painkiller. Same mechanics, same weapons (designed differently), even some of the same monsters. But it isn't that that makes it a bad game. No, Dreamkiller is a mess to begin with due to bad writing, bad level design, and, well, an overwhelming lackluster presentation. Instead of embracing the theme of being in dreams, they designed levels that loosely fit a phobia, designed a few enemies, and tossed them into the game. You'll fight the same spiders in the arachnophobe's dream as in the dream of the guy afraid of work. Yes, you fight guys in suits with robot arms, but they are in smaller numbers than the spiders.

At the same time, there are hints that Mindware can come up with clever ideas. In the mental asylum, you start the level on Scrabble pieces, then travel through the halls, with eyes hidden in the walls that seem to follow you. Children are drawn hugging dogs, threatening to stab them, or being eaten by anthropomorphic cats. It's creepy, even if it is bright and hygienic looking. In fact, that adds to the creepiness, as you'd expect it to look like every other horror game, being grimy and bloody. Then, it's ruined by your character's "witty" remarks. After fighting several hundred monsters, you should all ready know something is wrong. You shouldn't have just figured it out. The argument can be made that she didn't need any taunts, but the developers were going for a Serious Sam style game, and they did have taunts.

The case can be made that the unoriginality of Dreamkiller, literally stealing Painkiller's core, leads to its downfall. It had an original idea of the subconscious. Certain enemies can only be killed by taking yourself deeper into the dreamer's dream. If you stay in the deep subconscious too long, you'll get hurt. This is made into a broken mechanic when entire battles require you to stay in the subconscious for an extended period of time, often killing you in the process. This renders the big difference of the game nothing more than a deterrent from playing the game.

Then we come to Konami's newest published game, NeverDead. Where do I start with this? The stand-out mechanic is that you can't die, but you can be dismembered. You can do this to yourself to solve puzzles. Most of the time, though, you'll be knocked down, rolling as a head, to find your body, then your limbs, hopefully in time to save your AI partner who is able to die. The clunky controls don't aid you, nor does the fact that your head can be eaten, ending the game. The premise was interesting to say the most, and different to say the least. There was potential in the idea. So, what happened?

The developers seem (I may be wrong) to have had too many ideas at once. Your character gets hit by trains, digested in a boss, and tumbled around, among other things, all of which dismember you. They took advantage of the concept, but took it too far, especially by making your character too fragile. This handicaps your movement, often times, making you too slow to get back to your body before your partner dies. You can regenerate over time, but you can only regenerate on part at a time. You can also find vials that allow you to regenerate completely, but in the midst of fighting, your head may get eaten in the process.

Imagine playing this game without the immortality aspect. You wouldn't be able to beat it, at least not for a long time. Chances are, after the tenth time of having your head knocked off after just regenerating, you won't care enough about it to stay in the game. This is only made even worse by the bad writing. The characters are unlikable, and try too hard to be funny. Like finding out that souls taste like chicken, you'll hear Bryce complaining about rolling ruining his hair no more than every ten seconds.

Taste is subjective of course. Someone may like NeverDead and Dreamkiller. Just because a game is bad, doesn't mean that there aren't good ideas, or that the developers didn't have their intentions well placed. That's our subject for next time when we talk about Bad Games From Hell. Believe me, The Cartel, and Saw II Flesh and Blood are on that. See you next time!

Brain Junkfood: Blood II: The Chosen

Okay, so picture this: You're in a game developing studio in 1998. People are playing Quake and Unreal, and some are complaining about the resources the two engines use being too harsh on the systems they are supposed to be running on. Your studio has made a game using an engine that is fairly good, and doesn't use enough resources to slow systems down. You also have a successful FPS that used the Build engine known for Duke Nukem 3D. So, what do you do? You make a sequel to your old game, using your engine... then ramp the engine so people complain about it crashing their systems. If you think this is a brilliant strategy, then you must be Monolith, and you just made Blood II: The Chosen.

It's a shame to, that to this day, I still cannot get Blood II to work right on a computer. I got it as a birthday present and it crashed that computer so badly that my family had to replace it. It ran very slowly on our next PC. While it runs on the computer I'm using now, it still occasionally crashes when I do something the game doesn't like me doing... like burning a scientist alive with a flare gun. What makes it a shame is the fact that Blood II: The Chosen is my favorite PC game of all time. Part of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows it exists, but most of it has to do with fact that it is unrepentantly bloody, violent, and cheesy.

Blood was never meant to be serious, taking violence to an extreme, and pop culture references even further. Blood II does that, and adds some of the most bizarre enemies I've seen in a game ever. These include fire-breathing zombies with eyes in the mouths, spiders that make you dizzy, and flying human torso that spawns face grabbing worms. These are included with humans, zombies, and ninja-spiky-bug-monsters called Shikari, that spit acid at you.

The plot of the game is deceptively simple. You play Caleb, a Western outlaw who killed the dark god, Tchernobog, over 100 years ago for killing three of his friends, and fellow Chosen, and has been granted immortality. You're on a train when you hear on the loud speaker that a man named Gideon has taken control of the train, and is trying to kill you by crashing the train. Caleb goes on and chases him, which is actually Gideon wants.

He taunts with a Singularity Generator that would make the CERN Institute blush. Instead of sucking Caleb inside of it, it summons the Chosen one by one, starting with Gabriel... er, Gabriella. Yes, a character went through a sex change when being reincarnated. This confuses Caleb as much as it confused me when I first played the game.

One by one, the Chosen come back, the next being the Warlock, Ishmael. Ishmael explains that Caleb is now Tchernobog, and that if he continues to go after Gideon, he'll cause a tremendous interdimensional rift that will destroy all worlds. This makes crossing the streams seem like a minor annoyance, but Caleb doesn't listen. If Gabriel came back, though not whole, and Ishmael is back, what about the love of his Ophelia? Surely, she has to be alive, right?

Caleb chases Gideon through a Cabal (the cult in the game) security point, and finds Ophelia alive. Gideon takes her, though, and Caleb has to chase him to the roof of the Cabal Office building, where they fight until a portal opens up, and takes them all to the Other World. Gideon is transformed into a giant spider, and is killed. But, the portal needs to closed, which means Caleb needs to fight the Ancient One, aka Lava Cthulhu. After LC's defeat, the Chosen are trapped the Other World, forced to walk back to Earth.

The game doesn't end there, though. There's an expansion pack, and that's where things really get weird. The Chosen find marshmallows and hot dogs and have themselves a little scary story contest. Caleb starts with a flashback to the first game, talking about fighting in Antartica. The problem is that he vanishes and the Chosen don't know where.

Ophelia goes next, and that's when you find out that she used to be a sorority girl. That's the scary part. Ishmael, on the other hand, used to be JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy. Tired of having clumps of earth thrown at him, he kills every pistol wielding clown he sees...

Wait... pistol wielding clowns? What circus is this, the Heckler and Koch Three Ring Gun Circus? Why don't I know about this? It can't be worse than the Smith and Wesson du Soliel. Their sideshow was terrible. Ishmael manages to escape, only to be ambushed by three Behemoths. Behemoths are the hardest bosses in the game, taking every round of every weapon you have, and still living. Now, you have to fight three of them.

Gabriella tells a story about going to a spooky house. The worst things she fights are gremlins that flip her off. Caleb, in the meantime, goes back to his outlaw days, and kills monks and cultists. He then finds the creature that's causing this, the Nightmare, which feeds on terrifying memories. After defeating it, the Chosen continue their trek back home.

Blood II was one of the last games to put plot under game play. Story wasn't the game's main draw, it was the violence and the Army of Darkness jokes, and Caleb singing show tunes. Yes, a man that looks and sounds like a mix of Clint Eastwood and Zombie Billy the Kid is singing show tunes. Don't try to think about that, because your ears will bleed from it. I'm still regretting having to hear it.

You may be thinking, “Why do you like this game if it sounds like it's mindless violence, and is, by today's standards, terrible?” Let me put it this way: why do people still play Doom, a game with absolutely no story, then hate a game like Bodycount for the same reason they love Doom? Why do people want a realistic modern war shooter, then pan Medal of Honor, one of the only games to get anywhere near accurate with the military tactics, strategies, and equipment, and play Call of Duty, a game that scoffs at the thought of realism? Why do people call every brawler a God of War clone, despite the fact that God of War took the basic elements of Devil May Cry?

It all comes down to two things: taste and memory. I loved Blood II and Bodycount because they're mindless shooters that I can sit down and play. But, I also love my Bioshock and Crysis. I've served over six years in the Army, so I know how the military works and fights, while an average civilian may not. Believe me, the soldiers I've served with played CoD to escape reality. And God of War was a game that people were stunned by, because it came out of nowhere and was actually pretty damn good. In the sense that it came from behind, it surpassed the success of the game it based it's combat from.

Do yourself a favor, and find a game with no plot. It could be Angry Birds for all I care, but find one that is mindless fun, and see what mood you're in after you play it. You may find that getting bogged down in the story all the time isn't such a good idea when you want to have fun. I'd give you a list of games to check out, but that would ruin the fun of you searching for it. That, and I also have a House full of Dead that I have to Overkill.

Brain Junkfood: Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child

Well, well, well... what have we here? Another music based shooter game, eh? It can't be as insane as giving a rapper an arcade style third person shooter laced with psychic helicopters and evil evangelists. Hell, it can't be half as insane as freeing Aerosmith from a dictator who hates music, using a CD launcher. Nothing, I mean nothing, can be as insane as that.

How about Kiss fighting monsters caused by a nightmare circus from an other dimension guided by a gypsy fortune teller. Yeah... this... this... is... What the flying fuck? I mean, seriously, I wish I had dreamed this up, because this is too damn ridiculous to not make money. Too bad Todd McFarlane, the man with no original idea in his head (seriously named a mobster after a hockey player he didn't like, then denied it, as well as claiming to own a character after owning only the logos, among other bullshit he pulled), decided to use Kiss in a comic book (again), but this time, using a circus, after the album, Psycho Circus, was released. He then claimed he had the idea first. Will this guy never learn?

Anyway, Gathering of Developers, aka GOD Games, and Third Law made it into a game. Okay, sure, why not. It's not the most insane thing I've ever seen made into a game (and, yes, I will be doing this game as a future edition, it's too insane to pass up). And, figuring I found it for three bucks, why not see if it's as idiotically fun as I think it may be!

The intro is the first problem. Why does the gypsy sound like she's trying to pick you up? Did I dial 976-HOT-GYPS-YTALK by mistake? "I have cccccccallled mmmmmmmmany mmmmortals..." I guess that answers that question... ick. But, the true kick in the junk, as if you needed it not to work after the imagine of an old woman gypsy seducing you, is that you don't play as Kiss. You play as a Kiss tribute band, Wicked Jester. That's like getting an Elvis CD, only to find out that the songs are Justin Bieber covers. No one wants Bieber squeaking out "Hound Dog." No one.

No One!

Let's work around the fact that we won't see Gene Simmons fighting flying, bowling ball throwing clowns. Before you actually play the game, you have to choose which avatar will get all of his armor shards first. You're choices are the Starchild (Water), the Beast King (Earth), the Demon, (Fire), and the Celestial (Air)--

Hold the hell on. The Starchild and the Celestial. Celestial means of the sky, and stars are in the sky... they're the same damn thing! Starchild is water?! How? The only thing I can figure is "Fish Monger" didn't sound exactly intimidating. Anyway, the choice is pretty useless, because the game sets itself up in this order: Water, Earth, Air, Fire. If you go outside of that, chances are that you're not going to make it through the game in one piece. We'll get to that in a minute.

Every section of the game is pretty formula. Gypsy tells you a bit about the level, you kill everything, get armor shards to look like a Kiss member (but you still aren't one), then, once you have them all, kill the boss in the Circus. The first boss is a midget clown who throws exploding bowling pins. He has three stages, where he gets bigger and harder. A big, hard... clown. Yeah... The first stage isn't much, theme wise. For a "water" level, there's barely any water in them, and when there is, you're usually running from it.

The next area is earth. True to its element, there's a lot of earth in it, including caves and underground dwellings. It's also where we get our first real tough battle, seeing as "Chubby the Growing Clown" is really a push over. The strongman, however, has a habit of slamming his "two ton" fists on the ground, sending a shockwave towards you. Even he isn't as hard as the "Ballbuster." He has a cannon on his arm, and shoots a ball at you the knocks you off of platforms. Oh, and he's mostly bulletproof. Good thing he isn't claw proof!

I forgot to mention that each character has different melee and special weapons. Water has a sword, and a flying star that kills absolutely no one. Fire has an ax and a Dragon that hits nothing. Earth has claws... and a spear that only hurts people when it hits a wall. I might as well have a Francisca, and throw the fucking thing on the ground. Anyway, his boss is a minotaur that jumps around and charges at you. Once he's dead, we go to the air.

You start off running from everything because you have no armor. Yeah, in every section, you start with only 25 health until you get your gauntlets and first weapon. This is meaningless, seeing as you die in one hit anyway without your armor. Luckily, no one bothers attacking you, perfectly content to let you get your weapon and murder them. I was confused, but once I got my gauntlets, I knew why. Game... you sly trickster you.

You know the pattern of the special weapon being terrible and the melee being awesome? Air reverses that. His melee is a weak electrical current, and his special is a fucking blackhole generator. There's even a bug with the current, other than it doesn't kill anything. It sets your accuracy percentage to 0% every time you use it. Not only does it not kill anything, but it screws up your score (yes, you have a score). Luckily, you're blackhole kills everything you see.

The air levels follow their them, mainly taking you to the roofs of a city. Remember the Ballbusters? They're here, and they will knock you off of the roofs, killing you instantly. If you manage to get through, you'll go to the circus, and fight an organ grinder with a minigun. That's... that's just awesome. But the boss is a regenerating stiltman who heals by draining electricity by transformers. Uh... huh? How does that even attempt any semblance of sense. The clown, sure, a juggler. Minotaur, beast trainer. Electric stiltman... how does that figure? I guess it's because his head's in the clouds! You now, because he's the air element? Okay, not funny...

Finally, we get to fire. Fire is in a foundry and underground. Okay, core of the earth, makes sense... but why a subway station leading to the Frehley, Stanley, Criss, and Simmons? I get the joke, but not why it's a fire level, other than it being underground. Really loose connection to me. Anyway, you go to the circus and fight the ringleader. He has three stages, but is a push over. After he's dead, you choose who you want to play as to fight the Nightmare Child. I played as four people, then told to choose which one I want to finish the game with. Let's recap:

Starchild:
Water
Sword and A Star that does no damage

Beast King:
Earth
Claws and A Spear that hurts people when it hits nothing but a wall

Celestial:
Air
Useless electrical current and a blackhole gun

Demon:
Fire
An axe and dragon that shoots at an arc

I chose the Demon because of his badass ax. Then I ended up in a level made of flesh... and clown faces. I finally get to the last level only to find a wall of seeker shooting eyeballs. Twenty of then, no less. Once I blinded them, the Nightmare Child comes out, and it's comical. He looks like an alien baby with a mohawk, in medieval armor. My mind is officially blown. After his first stage, his head grows legs, and attacks you with fireballs. I fought a wall of eyes, an alien baby, and it's disembodied head, then get a sequence of the gypsy telling me to wake up because my dream is over. Yes, this was all a fucking dream. It gets better, because every monster in the game is watching you impersonate Kiss singing "God Gave Rock N Roll To You."

This game is weird, and a little buggy. Aside from the current weapon being utter shit, it does crash a few times, but that's it. It is a fun game, but strange as hell. I mean, who would have thought to have Kiss fighting demon clowns and floating brains that shoot heat rays at you? Are you telling me that I could have Rush in an FPS set in a bleak future, probably 2112, and have a hit? Wait... that would be awesome. Must write story for it...

Brain Junkfood: "Dick Marcinko: Rogue Warrior"

Now, most people will tell you that I'm not exactly a prude when it comes to language. I mean, I'll fully admit to saying some pretty mean things to people. And they deserved it... mostly....

Okay, look. We're not here to talk about my sins of chewing people out in creative ways, though that could prove entertaining. We're here to talk about a game that is absolutely terrible, but is like watching a car accident caused by a train crashing into a rock with a painted landscape. You don't want to look, but you have to, especially with Mickey Rourke slurring his speech more than Tourrette's Guy, and twice as insane. Yes, when your character sounds more insane than a guy who screams "BOB SAGET" when mowing the lawn, you know you're in for a ride. Apparently, the story of Dick Marcinko: Rogue Warrior is even crazier.

Bethesda originally had hired Zombie Studios to make the game, but it was so terrible that they dropped the product, and hired Rebellion Studios to remake the game from scratch. Look at this from my point of view: Bethesda hired the same studio who did the Saw games, were disappointed that a studio known for bad games made a bad game, then hired another studio known for doing subpar games. Here's the kicker: Rebellion, known for Aliens vs Predator, but also known for Shellshock 2: Blood Ties, aka, "The Vietnam War is Being Eaten By Zombies," made very few changes to the story, and kept the same gameplay that Bethesda fired Zombie for... and Bethesda released it. It's like they threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it, we can't make a good game based on this shit!"

I can completely understand, too. I mean, when was a good game ever made about a real life soldier fighting terrorists? I mean, name one. All right, bet you can't name a..no...ther... Okay, so Bethesda dropped the ball. But, seriously, there isn't much you could do with this game in the first place. Rogue Warrior has one plot: infiltrate Korea, find out where they're taking nukes, and destroy them. It takes place in the cold war, no less, so Russia is the other bad guy in the game. Feasibly, a good game could be made from this.

All of that goes out the window the minute Dick Marcinko opens his mouth. This is what comes out: "A spec warrior: One who gives a fuck. That's me. Whether I'm prowling or growling or going full fucking Faulkner with lots of sound and fury, you cannot miss. I get the job done, and today that means flying under the radar into North Korea. The brass running this op is a dip-dunk desk-jockey named Admiral Travis *mrmrmr*. He tells me the mission is beyond classified, so I'm running a skeleton crew. Minimum footprint, maximum impact. SOP for assholes like me. I trained these men in the SEAL program and they've saved my ugly ass more than once. They're dirtbags and hard motherfuckers. When I'm staring death in the face, it's them I want watching my six. A mole inside the North Korean regime has intel on a munitions factory producing a new breed of missiles. My orders are to make contact and recon the factory. The brass is calling it a simple op, a typical snoop n poop. One thing I learned is that there's a thin line between a simple op and a total goat fuck."

So, spec warriors are the only ones who "give a fuck." We're off to a running start here. Is he actually saying that he's good because he gives a fuck? Of course, it helps when your team of experts is flipping each other off and looking at porn. These guys are immature morons, and have apparently saved Dick's ass multiple times. I wouldn't trust them with my worst enemy, and not one of them is as charming as Jesse Ventura. Especially since a "dip-dunk desk-jockey" with a mumble for a name is leading them.

The team lands, kills a bunch of Koreans, only for his expert team to find a guy who is holding a grenade with no pin. They look at each other, possibly regretting the decision of not running the fuck away. These guys are experts... I keep telling myself this, and it just makes it all the more worse.

The Koreans aren't much better, though. I have spent the entire game using pretty much two tactics. The first is shoot them with my pistol, and nothing else. The second is run up to everyone and stab them in any body part Dick feels like penetrating. This may sound like a bad joke, but here's the thing: Dick does kill some people by stabbing them in the ass with his pig-sticker. By pig-sticker, I mean knife, not "Demo Dick." This isn't that type of game, though you'd expect it to be with what Dick spouts out.

See, Dick doesn't have the cleanest mouth in the Navy SEALS. In fact, Dick says things that would make George Carlin blush. Let's take a look at them. "Die Motherfucker, you motherfucking amateur!" Okay, not too bad, if not excessive and ridiculous. "It's so cold, it could freeze the balls off of a polar bear." Okay, not quite that bad, but makes you wonder why he's thinking about polar bear's balls. No, I think the one that snaps everyone's mind is this one: "Suck my balls, my fat, hairy fuckin' balls! Wrap 'em around your mouth!" There are so many things wrong with what he just said... First of all, the fact that he said "Suck my balls," completely unprompted. He walks into a room and says this. I promise that if you said this, people would look at you like you were a psychopath on fire.

Next, the description. Was it really, really necessary for him to talk about, in detail, his balls? He makes Batman's motives seem sane in comparison, and this is comparing him to a guy who dresses as a bat to fight criminals such as clowns and men dressed as penguins as if it was an everyday occurrence. Okay, it is in Gotham, but the rest of the world, they deal with bald business men who are more over the top than Steve Jobs' bank account. Finally, "Wrap 'em around your mouth." How in the hell does that even work? If you know anything about anatomy, you know that you can't wrap balls around anything without some intense surgery or stretching. That's just too painful to think about. Then again, this would be fun to prank an old woman with...

But, the trick here is that the sticking point of the game is the ridiculous things Dick says in the game. After his team is killed, he just simply says "Fuck no!" to the prospect of turning back. He kills massive amounts of "C*** breath Commie Motherfuckers" without blinking an eye. If you want a collection (and why would you, really?) they made a song from the sayings! That's right, if you weren't offended enough, they made a song that makes gangsta rap by tourrette's patients seem tame.

See, this is what happens when you get your star drunk to voice a character in a game that Bethesda had to have known was going to be bad. So, they redeem it by... making it vulgar (There's a terrible game idea!)? What's the logic in that? It's just not going to make the game any better... unless you have someone calling you "Mr. Cent."

Brain Junkfood: 50 Cent Blood on the Sand

Let's take a step back to reality land here for a second. I am the whitest guy you may ever get a chance to meet. If I even try to sound like a "thug" or a "gangsta," it sounds like I'm about to get capped in the ass. And the people at my local game store know this, too, so you can imagine the looks on their faces when I grabbed this game for this article. I had nicer looks getting Naughty Bear: Gold Edition. Yet, lo and behold, I played a game starring a rapper that seems to think the words "bitch" and "fuck" are like the words "the" and like." I seriously think that 50 Cent has become a walking, talking stereotype. Luckily, he didn't go alone in Blood on the Sand. He took G-Unit with him. Dear God, that's like Bevis and Butthead in a game and saying that it's good that they took Snarf, Scrappy Doo, and that annoying blue monkey from the Super Friends.

The premise is that after a concert, 50 Unit and G-Cent find out that the concert promoter in an unnamed Middle East country lost the payment, and gives them a diamond encrusted skull. Of course, the poor guy is robbed of the skull at gun point, as 50 Cent jams a shotgun in the guy's stomach. Our hero, ladies and gentleman... er... bitches and... G's! Hey, you know what, I think 50 Cent is a bad influence on children now. He just jacked the poor guy's swag, and look what a random twelve year old girl does upon seeing it! Though it could be worse. Imagine if she saw 50 torture the guy! Sends shivers just thinking of it...

On the way to the airport, 50-G gets ambushed, and the skull gets jacked. No, I'm not going to put "Ha ha ha ha jack my swag" for ten more minutes. I'm not that evil. Anyway, guess who suddenly has military training to go with his bulletproof vest? Yessiree, Bob! 50 Cent! I cannot describe how awkward it is too see a celebrity with a gun in a video game, namely one who shouldn't be allowed near one. We don't need a rapper with a gun, because, if music videos are to be believed-- Holy shit... he's holding his gun right! Well, that proves me wrong. Nevermind, then.

What 50 Cent shouldn't be allowed around, though, is bad guys. The enemies range from an Arabic Mobster, a female assassin, a white evangelist, and the guy who gave you the skull, who gave it to you just so he could get it back from the mobster who wants to kill you, who told him to give the skull to you so he could kill you. If that made sense to you, you deserve a gold medal. I also forgot the black army commander, the only person 50 cannot watch as he kills him. He's actually the best villain, because he acts intimidating. He doesn't spout off oneliners like the other villains do.

What he does is sets a standard for the bosses: they're all in helicopters. Not just any helicopter, either. They're psychic helicopters. If you so much as even think of aiming at them, they move out of the way, making them nigh impossible to hit. This is made worse by the enemies shouting things at you. They aren't exactly clever enemies, even if they were comic book villains. How can you not laugh your ass off when hearing a bad guy say this to you: "You won't leave here alive, Mr. Cent!" You cannot sound scary when calling someone "Mr. Cent." You just can't. Can you imagine saying, "I'm going rip your lungs out through your ass, Mr. Cent?" All credibility would be lost the moment before you say anything else. When the hero has to stop from shooting at you to laugh, you're not a villain, you're a class clown.

It gets worse: the last boss sounds like a televangelist from the south. When he shouts at you from his psychic chopper, he says the one thing Unit Cent could ever fear: "I'm gunna make you my bitch!" Granted, it sounded better than "You've got a purty mouth, Mr. Cent," it's no where near as clever as "You lose, 50!" Seriously, no one calls him by his real name, except for a strip club owner who gets yelled at because only those close to 50 Cent use his real name. I really think that the villains would be scarier if they used his name. "You lose, Mr. Jackson!" "You won't leave here alive, Mr. Jackson!"

Okay, maybe it's a little too close to another game, but at least we're pretty sure it's the same writer! The only thing missing was 50 turning into a giant robot fueled by children. Though, with 50 it'd be fueled by "bitches." Every other word from his mouth in his taunts is "bitch" or "motherfucka." It's funny when you realize this, because you instantly wonder if he's over compensating for something. He cusses so much that I was starting to wonder if he realized how... white he sounded. Seriously, I've never hear a black person curse this much, in school, or in my time in the Army. It's usually white people who say half of this shit, only as a stereotype, too.

So, yeah, Gorilla Cent tries to get the skull back, but gets sidetracked several times. I'd talk more about the story, but it gets to a point where you realize there is no story. In fact, it feels like an old Nintendo game in the fact that the story abandons the game. Oddly enough... that's part of what makes the game so bad and so damn fun. It's a "turn your brain off" game in a good way. Wait until I find one where the developers turned their brains off completely. I mean, they went to a bar with Mickey Rourke, and the end product was hilarious.