If Jerry Springer Made Games...

I was amused yesterday by something so childish, that I could not help but play through the entire game. I traded in a few games and got two oldies but goodies (Condemned 2 and The Darkness) and one of the worst games I've ever played, Rogue Warrior. It isn't that the gameplay is broken (which it is), or that the graphics are pale in comparison to most other games (which they kind of are). Hell, it's not even that the game is glitchy (Alpha Protocol aspires to be as buggy as this game is), or the fact that it's a whopping 3 hours long (yes, I beat the game in one sitting). What makes the game bad is the writing. By writing, I mean, taking Mickey Rourke out to a bar, get him drunk, and record him rambling, making sure to use the most vulgar lines in this game.

This was kind of amusing due to the fact that it made the game feel all the less real. I mean, sure, it's pretty unrealistic to run up to a random guy and stab him without him seeing you, but when you hear, "Drop dead, motherfucker, you motherfuckin' amateur!" you cannot help but laugh. That is, until you realize that this is one of several "one-liners" he uses that seem like he's a rambling drunk, who would fit better in Condemned 2.

I understand putting language like that in a game meant for a mature audience for realism (or in the case of Killer7, surrealism), but by the second level and the second time hearing, "C*** Breath fuckin' Commie Motherfuckers!" you really have to think that a two year-old with Tourrette's and a bizarre infatuation with Reservoir Dogs wrote the game. Oh, and that's not the worst part. For some reason, the character, based on Dick Marcinko (a real life Navy SEAL), has a strange trait of talking about his enemies penis size and , why not, Polar Bear Testicles. I am pretty sure that if Marcinko saw this game in action, the developers would not be safe. Ever.

Being in the Army, I've heard some pretty vulgar things, but this game takes the cake. It's offensive to others and its pretty damn offensive that this is how people see the military. But, at the same time, I can't deny the fact that its so over the top bad that it's almost redeeming, then back to being offensive again. It takes away from the fact that I cannot review the gameplay of the game because it's just another FPS (a phrase I usually hate, but applies), only with more language in it. The only thing this game does to stand out is use the "f-bomb" so much, that George Carlin is begging people to create another vulgar word because "fuck" has lost its meaning.

Throw Me Away! "The Expendables" Review

Sylvester Stallone is not my favorite action star by any means. I was always an "Arnie" fan, and even like Bruce Willis more than Stallone. On the other hand, I did like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2." "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo" can go wallow in a pit in hell, though. I also hate Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. So, you may think that I hated this movie, right?

Well, guess what? You are... completely wrong. This movie is to cheesy '80's Action as Super Mario Bros on the DS is to Super Mario Bros. 3. Stupid plot that's there to push awesome action sequences foward? Check. A seemingly unwinnable fight between the main character and a bigger guy? Check x 3. A man throwing a torpedo at a helicopter only to have it detonated by another guy shooting it with a .9 mil? Check. Arnie? Check to the awesome extreme, dude.

What makes "The Expendables" work is the fact that it is just what you think it is: Cheesy action that makes men feel like men. No Edward Norton wussing out of a fight with another skinny guy. No random "I am woman, hear me roar" character "showing up" the male leads because "women are better than men" (looking at you, "Live Free or Die Hard.") No "Let's take our story too seriously" moments. And no bizarre dance scenes (okay, that part of "Gamer" was still pretty cool). If there is anything thrown in that makes it bad, its the CGI blood, which is extremely jarring.

Another bad point is the casting decision for the female lead. She looks more masculine than most of today's action heroes, mostly due to her huge jaw. Even worse, they try so hard to make her look sexy, such as a "tight. blowing skirt" butt shot (that shows she has no butt), and the "bouncing orbs of joy" shots that don't have anything to do with the movie than to show bouncing boobs. If that's the worst I can say about this movie, though, that's pretty good.

The rest of the cast is pretty well done. Stallone seems to have a good chemistry with the other guys in it (yes, even Arnie) to the point that it feels like it goes beyond the movie. David Zayas (Batista from "Dexter") plays a conflicted villain extremely well, and contrasts Eric Roberts' pure villain even better. Statham plays a more human character than one would be used to, but it works well (though, I still think Peter from "Pictures of You" did a better job of beating up an abusive boyfriend). But, that's all the cherry on the Sundae. We all know why people will see this movie.

Jet Li kicking Dolph Lundgren's ass. Yes, it happens, and it's awesome to watch. Especially in the context of what happened and the execution of it.

This movie is what "The A-Team" should've been. It is stupid, yes, but fun. It's what the Summer Blockbuster used to be. If you want an action flick, this is your chance to see it.

I give it 5 out of 6 Exploding Shotgun Rounds

Two Weeks of Mayhem and Aggrevation

Day One: I'm told I'm to be driving a Humvee, even though my liscence expired four years ago. I end up not driving the Humvee, though, in lieu of being put on the bus. Keep in mind that this is a military drill, and the driver got the ingenious notion that we wanted to watch "The Green Zone," a movie about Matt Damon playing a Warrant Officer who finds out that there are no nuclear weapons in Iraq. Smart. Very smart. Why not wave a banner that says, "I don't believe in your cause!" After that, they popped in "The A-Team," then "Grown-ups" and finally "Iron Man 2." Blasting so loudly that I couldn't sleep.

We show up to the barracks, but we don't have any rooms ready. We waited for seven hours to even get a room. At nine in the evening, after being in the humidity and heat for seven hours, we were about to go inside after an hour formation until they decided to do a drug test. I'm not worried about it, more pissed because I needed to sleep.

* * *

Day Two: Woke up at the ungodly hour of 4:00 to form up in the humidity again. Would you believe that it's still hell-hot when the sun's down, in Kentucky? We spent most of the day in class, only for our "CO" (who is actually an NCO, and has no clue of what's going on) decided to take over. The class was going well up until then. We did half inside and half outside. After the day was done, I wanted nothing more than a shower and to wash my uniform.

I called Alexis last night before I went to sleep. I think we're both out of it. I was dead tired, and she sounded tired and lonely. I keep telling myself, "12 more days." Then I have drill right after. FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU....!

* * *

Day Three: My feet are blistered all over from walking to the DFAC and back in 100+ Degree weather everyday. Even better, my ankle has an open blister that started bleeding, and our medic is nowhere to be found. At least we're getting rides to the second half of class tomorrow. I still have to walk to the DFAC and back, though. On the upside, the blisters on the bottom of my feet seem to be callusing. I think...

I've been toying with a concept today and yesterday. It takes place in the near future, and it involves a company making "Site-Packs," bio-mechanical back-packs that filter spinal fluid and blood, while taking naturally occuring nutrients in the air and creating a liquid meant to help heal and energize the wearer. The company, Alzeez, sets them to take over the host, save for a few people who manage to resist it. The Site-packs, now simply known as Parasites, seemingly become more and more self aware, yet still drones to Alzeez. The hero, a soldier who has a Parasite but resisted it, has to form and lead a team to defeat Alzeez's army, and free the world from the Parasites.

Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep before breakfast. At least there's no PT tomorrow.

* * *

Day Four: Got to 111 degrees today. Fun. Yes that was sarcasm, but I'm actually in a good mood. We actually did something pretty awesome today, a simulator that puts you in a rolling Humvee. I now know how the A-Team feel. Seriously, it was a lot of fun, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Just, not the real thing, you know?

Anyway, one of my room mates didn't have any money with him, and he can't get around due to an injured leg. I decided to treat myself to some Taco John's (the best Mexican fastfood ever). While talking to another buddy, he decided to try some Potato Ole's, and ended up with a burrito as well. He didn't want it (he had a pizza a few minutes before), so I bought it from him and gave it to my room mate. Hey, might as well give it to someone who hasn't eaten yet.

Anyway, I found out that I may not get paid as early as I thought, due to getting a paper check. The electronic deposit pay was put in the system today, but the paper checks won't be submitted until the 13th. Hopefully, I'll get it at a decent time, but I have enough money to last me the rest of the month (and I have to go to drill, too, which pays within a week). I'm sure it'll work out, though. Things tend to lately. Well, save for my damn blisters. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU!

* * *

Day Five: The heat finally decided to get to me. After hearing how we aren't eating healthy (from someone who tells us that she only eats 10 grams of fat a day, but can't go a meal without bacon and soda), we did a strenuous PT sessions, then spent all day in the sun waiting to drive a truck. Even better, some of us didn't have time to eat breakfast. As soon as I started getting dizzy and nauseas, I went to an NCO. Next thing I know, I'm in a van with the AC blasting, and then in the ER talking to a doctor about it two hours later. They gave me a free meal (a ham sandwich, milk, and an apple), and put me on quarters for the next day or two.

Needless to say, people are pissed that I have quarters. Admittedly, I am a little, too. It's not that I want to be out in the sun, its that I don't want to be in this damn room, doing nothing all day. At least I brought this and some sketch books.

* * *

Day Six: I got the base color done on the first pin-up. The unit got yelled at for not cleaning the bathrooms (despite the NCO's tearing down the schedule and not telling us whose supposed to do it). That's about it.

* * *

Day Seven: Today, I couldn't do PT because I had to go to sick call to follow up on my heat injury. I'm doing fine, and hey, it got me out of combatives. As a treat for getting through the first week, I bought myself some Gardetto's. Man, I missed that.

Anyway, Kapaln finally found a job! Unfortunately, the interview was for Wednesday, and I won't be back until Friday. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU! One of my roommates is leaving early. His pregnant wife was fired from her job for calling off for her Uncle's Funeral.

Tomorrow should be interesting. We're doing the confidance course to celebrate our first week being finished. Today, we visited the Patton Museum, and it was pretty cool. I bought a souvineer penny for Alexis, so she knows I was thinking of her. Speaking of which, I need to call her.

* * *

Day Eight: I'm going to be sore as hell tomorrow. We did the obstacle and confidence course today. I couldn't do a lot of it because of heights and being tired as all hell. What's interesting was that I got talking to another Specialist, one who says that I look like one of his friends. We started talking about our respective deployments to some other soldiers. It was an eye opening experience. Most of these soldiers have never been deployed, and it made me realize something. I may not go down in history, but I did something that no one else in my family has done (except for my grandfather who was Coast Guard). It made me think back to Jim saying how much he appreciates what I'm doing. This is the first time I've ever felt proud of what I'm doing.

* * *

Day Nine: We watched some soldiers race through the Confidence Course toady, and got the rest of the day off. I've been trying to call Jim to let him know that I was in the hospital, and to get my ride back arranged, but still no answer. I have until Thursday, so I have time. On the upside, I have CLS class!

* * *

Day Ten: I did get a hold of Jim last night. After that, I called Alexis, part of my nightly ritual as of late. Today, we started CLS. It's not as boring as everyone makes it out to be, but it's a lot different than the CLS I did back at Campbell. I'm amazed at how things can change from four years.

I'm on the homestretch! I have two days of class, one fun day, and Friday, we go home. I miss Alexis, and I miss sleeping in my own bed. But, I'll be there soon!

* * *

Day Eleven: Well, the only bad thing I can say is that we were told no PT tomorrow, and we ended up being wrangled into doing PT. But, with a 5:00 formation tomorrow and only a little bit of class work to do (test and that's it), I can't complain too much. Sure, we're running, but the unit isn't exactly strict on making sure people run in a group. If I fall behind, I fall behind.

Some people have been annoying the living hell out of me, though. One guy would not take the CLS class seriously. We're learning how to save lives, and he's joking around to the point that he missed most of what we're supposed to do. Another guy is so busy acting like an ass that he will not give the instructors the right answers, even when he knows them. Of course, he's using the "this unit sucks" excuse. Finally, there's another guy who apparently thinks its high school, and instantly thinks I'm a good target to make fun of... for some reason. Perfect advocate for uniforms not working for decreasing violence and bullying. Morons will always find SOMETHING to make fun of. But, hey, two more days, and I'm not going to have to worry about that anymore.

* * *

Day Twelve: The day ended up shitty with the first sergeant flipping his shit right at 10:00 PM about curfew. We're adults with a bed time. I understand for when we get up at 6:00 AM, but we're waking up at 8:00 tomorrow. A 10:00 PM curfew is a wee bit ridiculous.

Anyway, I passed my CLS test, so I'm now certified to stop bleeding and shove tubes up people's noses. Seriously, that's pretty much all it is now. After the test, we watched some "Band of Brothers." Not a bad show, save for it kind of dragging occasionally. It's different enough each episode to be interesting.

In speaking of interesting, tomorrow's going to be "Mandatory Fun Day." "Mandatory" and "Fun" are a worse combination of words than "Military" and "Intelligence." I really am not excited about tomorrow. Especially with a 140 degree heat index.

* * *

Day Thirteen: Heading home tomorrow! Mandatory Fun day was exactly how I though it would be: stupid and hot as hell. You cannot, repeat, CANNOT force people to have fun.

I do have a ride back tomorrow. Kevin's getting me, and I should be back at a pretty good time tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully, the bus has Wi-Fi, so I can post this, and have something to do when I'm awake. Well, other than trying to ignore the movies that are playing. Please, God, no A-Team...

Per Chance, To Dream: The "Inception" Review

If there was a summer movie I had high hopes for, it was this one. A movie about stealing from dreams sounds interesting enough, but when you have Christopher Nolan on helm, especially after The Dark Knight, things can't look better. Sure, Leonardo DiCaprio is the lead in it, but if anything, Shutter Island proved he could act. Well, so did What's Eating Gilbert Grape? but I digress.

So, how does Inception fair in these high hopes? Not well. What starts as an interesting concept ends up being a predictable, hackneyed mess of the "dream within a dream" plot. I will give Mr. Nolan credit, though: I only thought it was predictable because I've studied psychology (and dreams) in both high school and college (had to do two psychology projects for two different classes, both of which stunned the psychology professor), and I remember that "mal" means "bad" in French. That last one's only important due to the fact that one of the characters is a French woman named "Mal." Even Al Pacino's character in The Devil's Advocate wasn't named something like Bob L. ZeBub or something equally ridiculous. I can imagine the French audience watching this movie, and going, "'Mal?' Is he out of his mind? He told us what's going to happen!" What's sad is that that is very true.

In a related event, the plot has more holes than Swiss Cheese. One of which is the totems that the people use to ground themselves in the dream. Joseph Gordon Levitt mentions that if anyone else touches someone's totem, it loses its effectiveness because you'll dream about them with out them being there. He then mentions that DiCaprio's totem (Cobb's), a top, was actually Mal's totem. Anyone with two brain cells can figure this out. If you are thinking what I was at this point, the ending shot confirms it, and renders the movie entirely pointless.

The big draw about the movie is that it's completely ("almost completely") in a dream. That, too, falls on its face. See, in order to get into someone's dream, they need an "architect" to build the dream, but make it as close to the subject's real dreams as possible (while also making it different enough for the group to control). When the subject goes to sleep, he dreams, but the architect creates the dream. And yet, according to the movie, its still his dream. No. No, it's not. It's the architect's dream. The architect is creating everything for the subject to respond to. If the dreamer isn't in any semblance of control of the dream, it is not their dream! It only gets more abstract when it becomes a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. See, when you have a multilayered dream, it usually gets more and more abstract. The deeper you are into the dream, conversely, the more you don't realize you're dreaming, but the more bizarre the dream is. This is coming from a guy who has Iraq kickbacks that are absolutely bizarre, but feel real.

By this movie's logic, though, when you go deeper into REM, the more realistic the dream becomes, and the more you can control it willingly. If anything, they team shouldn't have been able to control the dreams late in the movie at all. It's merely out of plot convenience that they can, but that would spoil too much. Also, I want to know the logic behind going from one person's dream to another person's to save someone who died in the first person's dream. That didn't make a single bit of sense of how they came up with it.

I can give it this, the characters were portrayed well... most of the time. Ellen Page couldn't really act in this movie if you told her too, sadly. I mean, I didn't take her "evil killer" part seriously in Hard Candy, but she isn't a bad actress. It's a little hard to take her seriously when she's constantly starry-eyed every time Levitt or DiCaprio are in a scene. I think she didn't gawk in one scene... mainly because they weren't in it. The only passable scene she did was when Levitt told her to kiss him to throw off the subjects subconscious. It didn't work, and I have no idea why that was in there in the first place.

Several times in the movie two characters' names change pronunciation. "Saito" (SIE-to)is constantly interchanged with "Sato" (SAE-to), and "Ariadne" is pronounced so many different ways that I couldn't tell you if anyone other than Michael Caine pronounced it right. But, Tom Hardy and Joseph Gordon Levitt are actually fun to watch, mainly because they play off each other well. You get the sense that one of them is a cynical joker and the other is a pompous straightman.

If I could sum up Inception in a sentence, it'd be this: Inception is a movie that doesn't live up to the hype, and is barricaded by it's own sense of logic where none shouldn't exist. To sum it up in one word? Disappointing.

I give it 2.5 out of 6 Bickering Freudians.

In Memorium

Peter Fenandez

January 29, 1927-July 16, 2010

I can see his entrance now: "See those pearly gates, Speed Racer (?) you must go through them as fast as you can or they will close and you'll have to wait until they open again which maybe a little while, but more likely not that long but you shouldn't risk it AAHHH!"

Rest in Peace, Mr. Fernandez.

One Ugly... The "Predators" Review

This is a tough one, mainly because I've been anticipating this movie since I saw the trailer with Adrien Brody carrying a chaingun. That, and Topher Grace being in it. Both of these aspects make the movie look horrible. But, its three Predators hunting them. That's awesome. On another planet, too? Even... um... awesomer! So, this movie could be both good and bad. Hey, Brody was pretty good as an Army Captain in The Jacket, and he was awesome in Splice. And Topher Grace... well... um...

So, yeah, Predators, with all its bizarre casting choices. First off, Hollywood needs to stop casting Alice Braga as a young, tough, misunderstood woman. Yes, she's only a year older than me, but she looks like she's in her late thirties, at least. As for the tough thing, she was more questionable than Topher Grace or Adrien Brody. I'm not kidding, she just seemed really, really out of place. It's not because women can't be strong, it's because she never acts like she's strong. This is in part to the writing where they have her crying at one point, and being taken advantage of (her sympathy and emotions, not physically). She's supposed to be tough, though... Sure. I'm not saying tough people can't have emotions. What I'm saying is that tough people shouldn't be this emotional when the situation calls them to be tough. If you're running for your life from a group of aliens that are hellbent on killing you, are you really going to stop and try to save a guy with a broken leg, not knowing him, but knowing that your life depends on leaving him? Yes, we'd all want to save the person, but there are situations (especially in, say, military operations) where it isn't always feasible.

Then you have the tough guy cast as a tough guy. Danny Trejo as a Columbian Drug Kingpin Enforcer. Danny Trejo is awesome in almost everything he's in. Including this, for all of five minutes that he's in it. Something makes up for it, though. Derek Mears, known for playing monsters such as Jason Vorhees and Chameleon from The Hills Have Eyes 2. He's only in this for about five minutes, too, though. At least his fate isn't cheaply done like Trejo's was.

What's interesting is that the big gripe in casting I have was the convict. My gripe is this: he was a bigger waste of time than Topher Grace's character. The only time he fights back is towards the end of the movie. Most of the time he just gripes.

Oddly enough, Brody and Grace were easily the human highlights in this movie. Brody isn't cast as a tough guy, but more of a tactician, and he plays it brilliantly, too. Grace's character... well, I don't want to ruin that. Most of the acting was pretty well done (especially one twist that made me just groan... not from stupidity though), but again, sometimes it comes off as a little off. One character has an invisible friend, and it seems completely out of place for this movie.

If there's something I can say for the story, its this: It's Predator on a different planet. Oh, they hint at some Predator history, such as mentioning the first movie's events, and a civil war, but they're merely mentioned and tossed aside. Why? A Predator civil war could be really interesting. Instead, it leads to the same ending fight that we had before (save for the conclusion), and nothing is made of it. In speaking of that, the ending of that was pretty comical. Not to film makers: physics doesn't work like that, people will fall in the direction they're being hit into. Also, the spoons in hand grenades need to be taken out for the grenade to detonate. Anyone from Basic Training would tell you this.

I can say with certainty that this wasn't a great movie, but its a step above the AVP movies. It's a little better than Predator 2, but it's hard to see that it isn't just the first movie done with different concepts in a similar setting. I'd say don't see it in theaters unless you have a discounted price (like I did today), but do go see it still. And don't expect anything different than the first movie. It's a step in the right direction, but we need something both faithful and new. Just hinting at interesting aspects of this alien race's history and culture isn't enough.

I give it 4.5 out of six skull trophies.

"Jacob's Ladder," "Silent Hill 2," and "Crackdown 2." How do I fit these into a blog?

So, as some of you may have seen on my facebook, we watched Jacob's Ladder last night. This was our second try after a scene put a bad taste in Alexis's mouth. I have to say this: for the hour of build up with him seeing demons and everything, they sure forgot that in the last hour of the movie. Seriously, we went from Jacob seeing demons once every fifteen minutes or so, to it being more like a John Grisham novel where a guy tries to sue the government. And, yes, this is an anti-war movie, namely anti-Vietnam. That would be great if it were made in the '70's. Unfortunately, it was made in 1990.

I think that's part of it for me, though. I wasn't alive for the Vietnam war, so its hard for me to relate to the character. I was, though, in the Iraq War, and can relate to the general feel of what the characters were supposed to be going through, although, very loosely. What it felt like to me was PTSD. What they pinned it on in the movie was Agent Buzz. After all, the government only wanted to drug our soldiers unwillingly to make them better fighters. Sure, they killed each other, but who cares? They're only soldiers, right. Bullshit, movie. I'm sorry, but the government cares more about the people who potentially sacrifice their lives a whole lot more than you give them credit for. Sure, its not perfect, but to say that the government is nothing but a bunch of monsters? Bite me.

A few people have told me that it felt like Silent Hill to them. Maybe. I'd say Silent Hill 2, and that's not a complement. See, Silent Hill 2 and Jacob's Ladder have the same problem: the build up has nothing to do with what's going on, and no one gets that. I'm not going to spoil Jacob's Ladder anymore than I did. But, here's the issue with Silent Hill 2: James gets a letter from his dead wife. He goes to Silent Hill to investigate. He gets attacked by monsters until he remembers that he killed his sick wife. After coming to grips with his guilt, he defeats the monsters.

Simple plot... except for why he forgot he killed his wife. I can somewhat understand going into a town after getting a letter from your dead wife to investigate. But, people make James seem like this horrible person. "He killed his sick, suffering wife! He deserves to be punished!" Here's the big, glaring issue with this: She begged him to kill her to end her suffering. Sure, he'd feel guilty about that, and it may not be right. But the fact is, she was in pain, and she wanted to end it. I may not back his actions of killing her, but going so far as to say that he did it because he was a ruthless bastard? He did it because he loved her. Letting her suffer more would seem more cruel to him. Also, why do most of the monsters represent sexual repression? I've heard, "he hadn't gotten any since his wife was sick." I'm pretty damn sure he had bigger things to worry about than getting laid. Like, you know, his dying wife!

Finally, I'm to the point where I've pretty much given up on Crackdown 2 being a playable game. I will dare to say this: Singularity was actually slightly, very slightly, better than Crackdown 2. Here's why: At least the game is playable. Every time I turn around in Crackdown 2, I get stuck because fifteen guys are shooting rockets at me. As I've said before, for some reason, rockets stop you in mid-step instead of sending you flying. So, when you can't progress in a game because you can't move, how do you expect to play it? Not to mention the unbeatable mission where you need another player, too. Oh, and the fact that the buildings are virtually unclimbable at max agility. The last grip is always just out of reach.

Here's the thing: if you want a free roaming game that you can be a jerk in, play The Saboteur, Red Faction: Guerrilla, or, if you have a PS3, Infamous. Hell, even Red Dead Redemption, which is a fantastic game, but not a jerk game. Or go play the original Crackdown. I'll guarantee that you'll have more fun with those than Crackdown 2.