If Jerry Springer Made Games...

I was amused yesterday by something so childish, that I could not help but play through the entire game. I traded in a few games and got two oldies but goodies (Condemned 2 and The Darkness) and one of the worst games I've ever played, Rogue Warrior. It isn't that the gameplay is broken (which it is), or that the graphics are pale in comparison to most other games (which they kind of are). Hell, it's not even that the game is glitchy (Alpha Protocol aspires to be as buggy as this game is), or the fact that it's a whopping 3 hours long (yes, I beat the game in one sitting). What makes the game bad is the writing. By writing, I mean, taking Mickey Rourke out to a bar, get him drunk, and record him rambling, making sure to use the most vulgar lines in this game.

This was kind of amusing due to the fact that it made the game feel all the less real. I mean, sure, it's pretty unrealistic to run up to a random guy and stab him without him seeing you, but when you hear, "Drop dead, motherfucker, you motherfuckin' amateur!" you cannot help but laugh. That is, until you realize that this is one of several "one-liners" he uses that seem like he's a rambling drunk, who would fit better in Condemned 2.

I understand putting language like that in a game meant for a mature audience for realism (or in the case of Killer7, surrealism), but by the second level and the second time hearing, "C*** Breath fuckin' Commie Motherfuckers!" you really have to think that a two year-old with Tourrette's and a bizarre infatuation with Reservoir Dogs wrote the game. Oh, and that's not the worst part. For some reason, the character, based on Dick Marcinko (a real life Navy SEAL), has a strange trait of talking about his enemies penis size and , why not, Polar Bear Testicles. I am pretty sure that if Marcinko saw this game in action, the developers would not be safe. Ever.

Being in the Army, I've heard some pretty vulgar things, but this game takes the cake. It's offensive to others and its pretty damn offensive that this is how people see the military. But, at the same time, I can't deny the fact that its so over the top bad that it's almost redeeming, then back to being offensive again. It takes away from the fact that I cannot review the gameplay of the game because it's just another FPS (a phrase I usually hate, but applies), only with more language in it. The only thing this game does to stand out is use the "f-bomb" so much, that George Carlin is begging people to create another vulgar word because "fuck" has lost its meaning.

"Jacob's Ladder," "Silent Hill 2," and "Crackdown 2." How do I fit these into a blog?

So, as some of you may have seen on my facebook, we watched Jacob's Ladder last night. This was our second try after a scene put a bad taste in Alexis's mouth. I have to say this: for the hour of build up with him seeing demons and everything, they sure forgot that in the last hour of the movie. Seriously, we went from Jacob seeing demons once every fifteen minutes or so, to it being more like a John Grisham novel where a guy tries to sue the government. And, yes, this is an anti-war movie, namely anti-Vietnam. That would be great if it were made in the '70's. Unfortunately, it was made in 1990.

I think that's part of it for me, though. I wasn't alive for the Vietnam war, so its hard for me to relate to the character. I was, though, in the Iraq War, and can relate to the general feel of what the characters were supposed to be going through, although, very loosely. What it felt like to me was PTSD. What they pinned it on in the movie was Agent Buzz. After all, the government only wanted to drug our soldiers unwillingly to make them better fighters. Sure, they killed each other, but who cares? They're only soldiers, right. Bullshit, movie. I'm sorry, but the government cares more about the people who potentially sacrifice their lives a whole lot more than you give them credit for. Sure, its not perfect, but to say that the government is nothing but a bunch of monsters? Bite me.

A few people have told me that it felt like Silent Hill to them. Maybe. I'd say Silent Hill 2, and that's not a complement. See, Silent Hill 2 and Jacob's Ladder have the same problem: the build up has nothing to do with what's going on, and no one gets that. I'm not going to spoil Jacob's Ladder anymore than I did. But, here's the issue with Silent Hill 2: James gets a letter from his dead wife. He goes to Silent Hill to investigate. He gets attacked by monsters until he remembers that he killed his sick wife. After coming to grips with his guilt, he defeats the monsters.

Simple plot... except for why he forgot he killed his wife. I can somewhat understand going into a town after getting a letter from your dead wife to investigate. But, people make James seem like this horrible person. "He killed his sick, suffering wife! He deserves to be punished!" Here's the big, glaring issue with this: She begged him to kill her to end her suffering. Sure, he'd feel guilty about that, and it may not be right. But the fact is, she was in pain, and she wanted to end it. I may not back his actions of killing her, but going so far as to say that he did it because he was a ruthless bastard? He did it because he loved her. Letting her suffer more would seem more cruel to him. Also, why do most of the monsters represent sexual repression? I've heard, "he hadn't gotten any since his wife was sick." I'm pretty damn sure he had bigger things to worry about than getting laid. Like, you know, his dying wife!

Finally, I'm to the point where I've pretty much given up on Crackdown 2 being a playable game. I will dare to say this: Singularity was actually slightly, very slightly, better than Crackdown 2. Here's why: At least the game is playable. Every time I turn around in Crackdown 2, I get stuck because fifteen guys are shooting rockets at me. As I've said before, for some reason, rockets stop you in mid-step instead of sending you flying. So, when you can't progress in a game because you can't move, how do you expect to play it? Not to mention the unbeatable mission where you need another player, too. Oh, and the fact that the buildings are virtually unclimbable at max agility. The last grip is always just out of reach.

Here's the thing: if you want a free roaming game that you can be a jerk in, play The Saboteur, Red Faction: Guerrilla, or, if you have a PS3, Infamous. Hell, even Red Dead Redemption, which is a fantastic game, but not a jerk game. Or go play the original Crackdown. I'll guarantee that you'll have more fun with those than Crackdown 2.

First Reactions: Mass Effect 2

Welcome again, reader. Today, I am musing about the first impressions of a big title game: Mass Effect 2. Note: I was hesitant to buy this game due to how it has been advertised as a "sex sim." It's actually thanks to Bennet the Sage from thatguywiththeglasses.com that I actuall got interested in this game.

Controls:

Pros: Mostly tight. The aiming and gun play is better, the dialogue trees aren't changed (a good thing). The addition of Paragon and Renegade QTE's may seem like a little much, but they actually fit in pretty well.

Cons: Combat, and I'm the only one that may think this, is a bitch. ME1 did a clever thing with the non-reloading weapons, ME2 does away with that... mostly. It's explained that you have to reload a thermal clip when it overheats. The problem is that most of your weapons need to be reloaded after only a few shots. Oddly enough, it reminds me of Borderlands' combat, but in third-person, and not as well developed. Movement is way too slow, the sprint is too short of a distance, and for some inexplicable reason, some cover you can't shoot from, nor hop over.

Aesthetics:

Pros: No pop in graphics (mostly). Great voice acting. The return of some characters looking different is a good touch.

Cons: It's painfully obvious that the Hollywood stars, i.e. Michael Dorn, Martin Sheen, and Keith (Badass) David, steal the show from the "unknowns." Yvonne Strahovski (Miranda) seems to be there only to be a sex symbol or an absolutely annoying, condescending bitch who can't act. Some graphic pop ins, and major graphic errors (wanna see the inside of a Krogan's mouth?)

Characters:

Pros: Mostly better developed that ME1. Garrus and Tali are always welcome back to the series as far as I'm concerned. Jacob Taylor is freaking awesome. Joker and Dr. Chakwas return, with some humorous events along with them. Grunt is more interesting than I thought he'd be, and Mordin is funny and cool as hell. AI is pretty good. The addition of a human female love interest for both genders of Shepard is fine... but what about the occasional gay gamer?

Cons: Miranda and Jack are both annoying. Miranda can fight, but usually dies first due to bull rushing the offense. I haven't used Jack for fear that she might have sex with the enemy instead of killing them. I haven't gotten Thane, Legion, or Samara yet. Enemies like to target you, and leave allies alone. The game is obviously meant for teenage boys and men with nothing better to do, due to the fact that you have more relationships that appeal to straight male gamers or lesbian gamers than a straight female or gay gamer.

Player:

Pros: Importing your Shepard is awesome. Being able to change class and looks is good too. The Adept class is very well done.

Cons: Um... what about the scars in the first game? Changing your looks seems counter-productive in the story if you import.

Story and Etc:

Pros: Good writing and execution. Loyalty quests had a more TV show feel to the game. The return of some characters is a good addition... but...

Cons: The end mission stat screen pulls away from the games feels. The loyalty missions seem tacked on at points. The enemy is never really developed like Saren was. The game is on the short side for an RPG. I'm half-way through it in 10 hours. The return of some characters seem forced and very against who they are.

Overall so far: I'm not done with it yet, but it's not a bad game. The first was better by far, though, in the story area. The characters in this have the much needed development that only a few had in the first (i.e. Tali had a interesting backstory and culture, but Ashley did not). But, the writers seemed to have forgotten how real people (much less their characters) would react if they saw someone who was dead for two years. If you liked the first, this is worth a play. More on it later.

Who Ya Gonna Call? (Someone Else!)

Drum roll for my first Blogspot Game Review!

...

Or not...

Developer: Terminal Reality

Publisher: Atari

Game: "Ghostbusters"

I'm an '80's brat. I grew up on He-Man, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jem... wait a minute... But, one cartoon and two movies caught my interest more than anything. I'd borrow the book from my school library and stare at the pictures wishing I could be one of these guys. I mean, how cool would it be to drive around in a modified hearse with a siren and flashing lights, catching evil ghouls and ghosts. And the cartoon had everyone of them from vampires to werewolves, to Samhain, and even Cthulhu (he was in a cartoon, but not a horrendous movie based on his mythos). If it weren't a fictitious franchise, I would apply for it right now, just to hunt ghosts with Ray Stantz, Winston Zeddemore, Egon Spangler, and Peter Venkman. And someone stepped up to the plate with "Ghostbusters: The Video Game."

The opening scene has a new Ghostbusters commercial (based on the one from the first movie), and exposes that Gozer is threatening to return. The credits roll, and the nerds of the world rejoice; Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis, Ernie Hudson, and Bill Murray all are in it, with Akroyd and Ramis writing.  The plot starts of with Gozer trying to return (still stuck as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man), but turns to something more sinister. New York is being used as "spiritual labyrinth," with nodes that lure ghosts to another, more powerful ghost. The more ghosts that show up and stay in the node, the more powerful their leader becomes, and can eventually become a minor Gozerian Deity. But, with Gozer down (again, in messy, marshmallow-y pool of tasty, tasty goo), who is trying to cause the apocalypse?

I'd be lying if I said I had high expectations for the game. I really didn't have any for it, but needless to say, the story surprised me. The humor is still there (STANTZ: We're talking blood flooding in the streets, demons and ghouls walking the earth, fire in the sky--! Venkmen: And Disco will come back... and be even BIGGER!), but the plot is, considering the material, pretty deep. The one would be set back is that you don't play as a Ghostbuster, but as a new cadet, with no name (Peter didn't want to get attached because you're testing out the experimental gear), and no voice. Surprisingly, it works, especially when you over hear the banter the other guys have to say to each other. It helps with pulling you in to the world, and excels in a huge way.

The gameplay has a huge learning curve. To catch a ghost, you must drain its energy. Then, set a capture stream on it by holding one button and pulling the trigger (on ghosts, it does this automatically). Then, you throw a trap. Then you "wrangle" the ghost to daze it, pull it to the trap, and keep it in side the light the trap emits. The first few times, this is a pain, but once you get used to it, you'll be busting more ghosts than the older guys (who'll notice this, and compliment your work). This goes if you slack off, too... but most of the time, you'll be knocked down before that happens. When you, or any other ghostbuster, is knocked down, the remaining ones will rush to save you. I'll be as bold as to say this: if Gears of War 2 did their system this well, I wouldn't be shocked. Only one time did I fail a mission due to all Ghostbusters dying, and that was because we were swarmed.

Finally, the presentation of the game. I'll start with the voice acting. All four of the Ghostbusters are excellent (especially Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd, who sound like they've never lost a step of playing these characters). Annie Potts and William Atherton return as Janine and EPA Jerkwad Walter Peck, and fill their parts well. Alyssa Milano sounds too much like a valley girl to be taken seriously as a scientist, though. But, the props goes to whoever did Vigo's voice for the talking painting of Vigo. I spent an hour of the game screwing with that painting, making it say weird, horrible, apocalyptic things... then "Your fly is down." Wow. Just amazing.

Next, there are collectables in the game, called "Cursed Objects." When you snag one, it ends up in the firehouse, and they can be found in various locations. Among them are: a death clock that, since its around so many dead souls in the firehouse, the hands spin out of control, and Peter uses it as a desk fan and a pair of cursed bellbottoms that follow you through the firehouse, blasting out disco music. Most of them have funny stories behind them (my favorite is still the "Ghostbusters Movie DVD"), but some don't have stories that make any sense at all. For the most part, its worth going after these.

Finally, the graphics. They characters look like the people they're modeled off of, but not to the point were its disturbing. It is a little cartoonish, but it works extremely well. The one bad point would be the lip synching. I have yet to see a cut scene were any of it matches. But, with the rest of the game, that's very minor.

I had low expectations for this game, but I'm glad I did. By playing this, I found that, even if it is very short, the fun you can have with something that is new, yet, nostalgic, can be some of the best fun you can ever have. And what better way to show this to an '80's kid than by busting heads with some of the best average guy heroes of that time?

Overall: B+

+ Generally fun game

+ Fantastic writing and story

+ Ghostbusters... but new!

+ Great voice acting...

- Except Alyssa Milano

- On the short side

- Missed Lip synching