Throw Me Away! "The Expendables" Review

Sylvester Stallone is not my favorite action star by any means. I was always an "Arnie" fan, and even like Bruce Willis more than Stallone. On the other hand, I did like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2." "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo" can go wallow in a pit in hell, though. I also hate Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. So, you may think that I hated this movie, right?

Well, guess what? You are... completely wrong. This movie is to cheesy '80's Action as Super Mario Bros on the DS is to Super Mario Bros. 3. Stupid plot that's there to push awesome action sequences foward? Check. A seemingly unwinnable fight between the main character and a bigger guy? Check x 3. A man throwing a torpedo at a helicopter only to have it detonated by another guy shooting it with a .9 mil? Check. Arnie? Check to the awesome extreme, dude.

What makes "The Expendables" work is the fact that it is just what you think it is: Cheesy action that makes men feel like men. No Edward Norton wussing out of a fight with another skinny guy. No random "I am woman, hear me roar" character "showing up" the male leads because "women are better than men" (looking at you, "Live Free or Die Hard.") No "Let's take our story too seriously" moments. And no bizarre dance scenes (okay, that part of "Gamer" was still pretty cool). If there is anything thrown in that makes it bad, its the CGI blood, which is extremely jarring.

Another bad point is the casting decision for the female lead. She looks more masculine than most of today's action heroes, mostly due to her huge jaw. Even worse, they try so hard to make her look sexy, such as a "tight. blowing skirt" butt shot (that shows she has no butt), and the "bouncing orbs of joy" shots that don't have anything to do with the movie than to show bouncing boobs. If that's the worst I can say about this movie, though, that's pretty good.

The rest of the cast is pretty well done. Stallone seems to have a good chemistry with the other guys in it (yes, even Arnie) to the point that it feels like it goes beyond the movie. David Zayas (Batista from "Dexter") plays a conflicted villain extremely well, and contrasts Eric Roberts' pure villain even better. Statham plays a more human character than one would be used to, but it works well (though, I still think Peter from "Pictures of You" did a better job of beating up an abusive boyfriend). But, that's all the cherry on the Sundae. We all know why people will see this movie.

Jet Li kicking Dolph Lundgren's ass. Yes, it happens, and it's awesome to watch. Especially in the context of what happened and the execution of it.

This movie is what "The A-Team" should've been. It is stupid, yes, but fun. It's what the Summer Blockbuster used to be. If you want an action flick, this is your chance to see it.

I give it 5 out of 6 Exploding Shotgun Rounds

"Jacob's Ladder," "Silent Hill 2," and "Crackdown 2." How do I fit these into a blog?

So, as some of you may have seen on my facebook, we watched Jacob's Ladder last night. This was our second try after a scene put a bad taste in Alexis's mouth. I have to say this: for the hour of build up with him seeing demons and everything, they sure forgot that in the last hour of the movie. Seriously, we went from Jacob seeing demons once every fifteen minutes or so, to it being more like a John Grisham novel where a guy tries to sue the government. And, yes, this is an anti-war movie, namely anti-Vietnam. That would be great if it were made in the '70's. Unfortunately, it was made in 1990.

I think that's part of it for me, though. I wasn't alive for the Vietnam war, so its hard for me to relate to the character. I was, though, in the Iraq War, and can relate to the general feel of what the characters were supposed to be going through, although, very loosely. What it felt like to me was PTSD. What they pinned it on in the movie was Agent Buzz. After all, the government only wanted to drug our soldiers unwillingly to make them better fighters. Sure, they killed each other, but who cares? They're only soldiers, right. Bullshit, movie. I'm sorry, but the government cares more about the people who potentially sacrifice their lives a whole lot more than you give them credit for. Sure, its not perfect, but to say that the government is nothing but a bunch of monsters? Bite me.

A few people have told me that it felt like Silent Hill to them. Maybe. I'd say Silent Hill 2, and that's not a complement. See, Silent Hill 2 and Jacob's Ladder have the same problem: the build up has nothing to do with what's going on, and no one gets that. I'm not going to spoil Jacob's Ladder anymore than I did. But, here's the issue with Silent Hill 2: James gets a letter from his dead wife. He goes to Silent Hill to investigate. He gets attacked by monsters until he remembers that he killed his sick wife. After coming to grips with his guilt, he defeats the monsters.

Simple plot... except for why he forgot he killed his wife. I can somewhat understand going into a town after getting a letter from your dead wife to investigate. But, people make James seem like this horrible person. "He killed his sick, suffering wife! He deserves to be punished!" Here's the big, glaring issue with this: She begged him to kill her to end her suffering. Sure, he'd feel guilty about that, and it may not be right. But the fact is, she was in pain, and she wanted to end it. I may not back his actions of killing her, but going so far as to say that he did it because he was a ruthless bastard? He did it because he loved her. Letting her suffer more would seem more cruel to him. Also, why do most of the monsters represent sexual repression? I've heard, "he hadn't gotten any since his wife was sick." I'm pretty damn sure he had bigger things to worry about than getting laid. Like, you know, his dying wife!

Finally, I'm to the point where I've pretty much given up on Crackdown 2 being a playable game. I will dare to say this: Singularity was actually slightly, very slightly, better than Crackdown 2. Here's why: At least the game is playable. Every time I turn around in Crackdown 2, I get stuck because fifteen guys are shooting rockets at me. As I've said before, for some reason, rockets stop you in mid-step instead of sending you flying. So, when you can't progress in a game because you can't move, how do you expect to play it? Not to mention the unbeatable mission where you need another player, too. Oh, and the fact that the buildings are virtually unclimbable at max agility. The last grip is always just out of reach.

Here's the thing: if you want a free roaming game that you can be a jerk in, play The Saboteur, Red Faction: Guerrilla, or, if you have a PS3, Infamous. Hell, even Red Dead Redemption, which is a fantastic game, but not a jerk game. Or go play the original Crackdown. I'll guarantee that you'll have more fun with those than Crackdown 2.