If Jerry Springer Made Games...

I was amused yesterday by something so childish, that I could not help but play through the entire game. I traded in a few games and got two oldies but goodies (Condemned 2 and The Darkness) and one of the worst games I've ever played, Rogue Warrior. It isn't that the gameplay is broken (which it is), or that the graphics are pale in comparison to most other games (which they kind of are). Hell, it's not even that the game is glitchy (Alpha Protocol aspires to be as buggy as this game is), or the fact that it's a whopping 3 hours long (yes, I beat the game in one sitting). What makes the game bad is the writing. By writing, I mean, taking Mickey Rourke out to a bar, get him drunk, and record him rambling, making sure to use the most vulgar lines in this game.

This was kind of amusing due to the fact that it made the game feel all the less real. I mean, sure, it's pretty unrealistic to run up to a random guy and stab him without him seeing you, but when you hear, "Drop dead, motherfucker, you motherfuckin' amateur!" you cannot help but laugh. That is, until you realize that this is one of several "one-liners" he uses that seem like he's a rambling drunk, who would fit better in Condemned 2.

I understand putting language like that in a game meant for a mature audience for realism (or in the case of Killer7, surrealism), but by the second level and the second time hearing, "C*** Breath fuckin' Commie Motherfuckers!" you really have to think that a two year-old with Tourrette's and a bizarre infatuation with Reservoir Dogs wrote the game. Oh, and that's not the worst part. For some reason, the character, based on Dick Marcinko (a real life Navy SEAL), has a strange trait of talking about his enemies penis size and , why not, Polar Bear Testicles. I am pretty sure that if Marcinko saw this game in action, the developers would not be safe. Ever.

Being in the Army, I've heard some pretty vulgar things, but this game takes the cake. It's offensive to others and its pretty damn offensive that this is how people see the military. But, at the same time, I can't deny the fact that its so over the top bad that it's almost redeeming, then back to being offensive again. It takes away from the fact that I cannot review the gameplay of the game because it's just another FPS (a phrase I usually hate, but applies), only with more language in it. The only thing this game does to stand out is use the "f-bomb" so much, that George Carlin is begging people to create another vulgar word because "fuck" has lost its meaning.

Throw Me Away! "The Expendables" Review

Sylvester Stallone is not my favorite action star by any means. I was always an "Arnie" fan, and even like Bruce Willis more than Stallone. On the other hand, I did like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2." "Rocky Balboa" and "Rambo" can go wallow in a pit in hell, though. I also hate Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Dolph Lundgren. So, you may think that I hated this movie, right?

Well, guess what? You are... completely wrong. This movie is to cheesy '80's Action as Super Mario Bros on the DS is to Super Mario Bros. 3. Stupid plot that's there to push awesome action sequences foward? Check. A seemingly unwinnable fight between the main character and a bigger guy? Check x 3. A man throwing a torpedo at a helicopter only to have it detonated by another guy shooting it with a .9 mil? Check. Arnie? Check to the awesome extreme, dude.

What makes "The Expendables" work is the fact that it is just what you think it is: Cheesy action that makes men feel like men. No Edward Norton wussing out of a fight with another skinny guy. No random "I am woman, hear me roar" character "showing up" the male leads because "women are better than men" (looking at you, "Live Free or Die Hard.") No "Let's take our story too seriously" moments. And no bizarre dance scenes (okay, that part of "Gamer" was still pretty cool). If there is anything thrown in that makes it bad, its the CGI blood, which is extremely jarring.

Another bad point is the casting decision for the female lead. She looks more masculine than most of today's action heroes, mostly due to her huge jaw. Even worse, they try so hard to make her look sexy, such as a "tight. blowing skirt" butt shot (that shows she has no butt), and the "bouncing orbs of joy" shots that don't have anything to do with the movie than to show bouncing boobs. If that's the worst I can say about this movie, though, that's pretty good.

The rest of the cast is pretty well done. Stallone seems to have a good chemistry with the other guys in it (yes, even Arnie) to the point that it feels like it goes beyond the movie. David Zayas (Batista from "Dexter") plays a conflicted villain extremely well, and contrasts Eric Roberts' pure villain even better. Statham plays a more human character than one would be used to, but it works well (though, I still think Peter from "Pictures of You" did a better job of beating up an abusive boyfriend). But, that's all the cherry on the Sundae. We all know why people will see this movie.

Jet Li kicking Dolph Lundgren's ass. Yes, it happens, and it's awesome to watch. Especially in the context of what happened and the execution of it.

This movie is what "The A-Team" should've been. It is stupid, yes, but fun. It's what the Summer Blockbuster used to be. If you want an action flick, this is your chance to see it.

I give it 5 out of 6 Exploding Shotgun Rounds

Two Weeks of Mayhem and Aggrevation

Day One: I'm told I'm to be driving a Humvee, even though my liscence expired four years ago. I end up not driving the Humvee, though, in lieu of being put on the bus. Keep in mind that this is a military drill, and the driver got the ingenious notion that we wanted to watch "The Green Zone," a movie about Matt Damon playing a Warrant Officer who finds out that there are no nuclear weapons in Iraq. Smart. Very smart. Why not wave a banner that says, "I don't believe in your cause!" After that, they popped in "The A-Team," then "Grown-ups" and finally "Iron Man 2." Blasting so loudly that I couldn't sleep.

We show up to the barracks, but we don't have any rooms ready. We waited for seven hours to even get a room. At nine in the evening, after being in the humidity and heat for seven hours, we were about to go inside after an hour formation until they decided to do a drug test. I'm not worried about it, more pissed because I needed to sleep.

* * *

Day Two: Woke up at the ungodly hour of 4:00 to form up in the humidity again. Would you believe that it's still hell-hot when the sun's down, in Kentucky? We spent most of the day in class, only for our "CO" (who is actually an NCO, and has no clue of what's going on) decided to take over. The class was going well up until then. We did half inside and half outside. After the day was done, I wanted nothing more than a shower and to wash my uniform.

I called Alexis last night before I went to sleep. I think we're both out of it. I was dead tired, and she sounded tired and lonely. I keep telling myself, "12 more days." Then I have drill right after. FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU....!

* * *

Day Three: My feet are blistered all over from walking to the DFAC and back in 100+ Degree weather everyday. Even better, my ankle has an open blister that started bleeding, and our medic is nowhere to be found. At least we're getting rides to the second half of class tomorrow. I still have to walk to the DFAC and back, though. On the upside, the blisters on the bottom of my feet seem to be callusing. I think...

I've been toying with a concept today and yesterday. It takes place in the near future, and it involves a company making "Site-Packs," bio-mechanical back-packs that filter spinal fluid and blood, while taking naturally occuring nutrients in the air and creating a liquid meant to help heal and energize the wearer. The company, Alzeez, sets them to take over the host, save for a few people who manage to resist it. The Site-packs, now simply known as Parasites, seemingly become more and more self aware, yet still drones to Alzeez. The hero, a soldier who has a Parasite but resisted it, has to form and lead a team to defeat Alzeez's army, and free the world from the Parasites.

Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep before breakfast. At least there's no PT tomorrow.

* * *

Day Four: Got to 111 degrees today. Fun. Yes that was sarcasm, but I'm actually in a good mood. We actually did something pretty awesome today, a simulator that puts you in a rolling Humvee. I now know how the A-Team feel. Seriously, it was a lot of fun, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Just, not the real thing, you know?

Anyway, one of my room mates didn't have any money with him, and he can't get around due to an injured leg. I decided to treat myself to some Taco John's (the best Mexican fastfood ever). While talking to another buddy, he decided to try some Potato Ole's, and ended up with a burrito as well. He didn't want it (he had a pizza a few minutes before), so I bought it from him and gave it to my room mate. Hey, might as well give it to someone who hasn't eaten yet.

Anyway, I found out that I may not get paid as early as I thought, due to getting a paper check. The electronic deposit pay was put in the system today, but the paper checks won't be submitted until the 13th. Hopefully, I'll get it at a decent time, but I have enough money to last me the rest of the month (and I have to go to drill, too, which pays within a week). I'm sure it'll work out, though. Things tend to lately. Well, save for my damn blisters. FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU!

* * *

Day Five: The heat finally decided to get to me. After hearing how we aren't eating healthy (from someone who tells us that she only eats 10 grams of fat a day, but can't go a meal without bacon and soda), we did a strenuous PT sessions, then spent all day in the sun waiting to drive a truck. Even better, some of us didn't have time to eat breakfast. As soon as I started getting dizzy and nauseas, I went to an NCO. Next thing I know, I'm in a van with the AC blasting, and then in the ER talking to a doctor about it two hours later. They gave me a free meal (a ham sandwich, milk, and an apple), and put me on quarters for the next day or two.

Needless to say, people are pissed that I have quarters. Admittedly, I am a little, too. It's not that I want to be out in the sun, its that I don't want to be in this damn room, doing nothing all day. At least I brought this and some sketch books.

* * *

Day Six: I got the base color done on the first pin-up. The unit got yelled at for not cleaning the bathrooms (despite the NCO's tearing down the schedule and not telling us whose supposed to do it). That's about it.

* * *

Day Seven: Today, I couldn't do PT because I had to go to sick call to follow up on my heat injury. I'm doing fine, and hey, it got me out of combatives. As a treat for getting through the first week, I bought myself some Gardetto's. Man, I missed that.

Anyway, Kapaln finally found a job! Unfortunately, the interview was for Wednesday, and I won't be back until Friday. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU! One of my roommates is leaving early. His pregnant wife was fired from her job for calling off for her Uncle's Funeral.

Tomorrow should be interesting. We're doing the confidance course to celebrate our first week being finished. Today, we visited the Patton Museum, and it was pretty cool. I bought a souvineer penny for Alexis, so she knows I was thinking of her. Speaking of which, I need to call her.

* * *

Day Eight: I'm going to be sore as hell tomorrow. We did the obstacle and confidence course today. I couldn't do a lot of it because of heights and being tired as all hell. What's interesting was that I got talking to another Specialist, one who says that I look like one of his friends. We started talking about our respective deployments to some other soldiers. It was an eye opening experience. Most of these soldiers have never been deployed, and it made me realize something. I may not go down in history, but I did something that no one else in my family has done (except for my grandfather who was Coast Guard). It made me think back to Jim saying how much he appreciates what I'm doing. This is the first time I've ever felt proud of what I'm doing.

* * *

Day Nine: We watched some soldiers race through the Confidence Course toady, and got the rest of the day off. I've been trying to call Jim to let him know that I was in the hospital, and to get my ride back arranged, but still no answer. I have until Thursday, so I have time. On the upside, I have CLS class!

* * *

Day Ten: I did get a hold of Jim last night. After that, I called Alexis, part of my nightly ritual as of late. Today, we started CLS. It's not as boring as everyone makes it out to be, but it's a lot different than the CLS I did back at Campbell. I'm amazed at how things can change from four years.

I'm on the homestretch! I have two days of class, one fun day, and Friday, we go home. I miss Alexis, and I miss sleeping in my own bed. But, I'll be there soon!

* * *

Day Eleven: Well, the only bad thing I can say is that we were told no PT tomorrow, and we ended up being wrangled into doing PT. But, with a 5:00 formation tomorrow and only a little bit of class work to do (test and that's it), I can't complain too much. Sure, we're running, but the unit isn't exactly strict on making sure people run in a group. If I fall behind, I fall behind.

Some people have been annoying the living hell out of me, though. One guy would not take the CLS class seriously. We're learning how to save lives, and he's joking around to the point that he missed most of what we're supposed to do. Another guy is so busy acting like an ass that he will not give the instructors the right answers, even when he knows them. Of course, he's using the "this unit sucks" excuse. Finally, there's another guy who apparently thinks its high school, and instantly thinks I'm a good target to make fun of... for some reason. Perfect advocate for uniforms not working for decreasing violence and bullying. Morons will always find SOMETHING to make fun of. But, hey, two more days, and I'm not going to have to worry about that anymore.

* * *

Day Twelve: The day ended up shitty with the first sergeant flipping his shit right at 10:00 PM about curfew. We're adults with a bed time. I understand for when we get up at 6:00 AM, but we're waking up at 8:00 tomorrow. A 10:00 PM curfew is a wee bit ridiculous.

Anyway, I passed my CLS test, so I'm now certified to stop bleeding and shove tubes up people's noses. Seriously, that's pretty much all it is now. After the test, we watched some "Band of Brothers." Not a bad show, save for it kind of dragging occasionally. It's different enough each episode to be interesting.

In speaking of interesting, tomorrow's going to be "Mandatory Fun Day." "Mandatory" and "Fun" are a worse combination of words than "Military" and "Intelligence." I really am not excited about tomorrow. Especially with a 140 degree heat index.

* * *

Day Thirteen: Heading home tomorrow! Mandatory Fun day was exactly how I though it would be: stupid and hot as hell. You cannot, repeat, CANNOT force people to have fun.

I do have a ride back tomorrow. Kevin's getting me, and I should be back at a pretty good time tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully, the bus has Wi-Fi, so I can post this, and have something to do when I'm awake. Well, other than trying to ignore the movies that are playing. Please, God, no A-Team...