Horrid Horror Movie Review: Ghoulies

The '80's were a bizarre time for horror movies. It brought us classics like Evil Dead and Dead Alive, showing us that garden tools are weapons of choice for zombie apocalypses, unless you're a priest. We had the first two Hellraiser movies, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street, setting off classic horror icons. Yet, for better and for worse, the '80's gave us Charles Band. Mr. Band is known mainly for his work in horror films such as the Puppet Master and Demonic Toys series, as well as some off shoot schlock like Dolls and Laserblast, the latter of which Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffed on. And rightfully so, as that movie was a piece of shit. But, he had a style, usually one that involved little monsters creating havoc, be they toys, dolls, puppets, or, if you're English, turd-monsters.

Yes, Charles Band had a movie banned in Britain because the title of it was a slang term for "poop." Can you imagine having a movie banned, not because it was bad, but because it meant "poop" in another country? The designer for the poster had to have known this, too, because the poster for it depicts a monster coming out of a toilet, with the tag line, "They'll get you in the end!" No, this isn't Cthulhu: Uncut with More Gay Sex, this is Ghoulies! And, God, do I have no idea how this got three sequels.

Part of why I'm so flabbergasted by this movie is the fact that the first hour of the movie is fluff with half of that time being a party with the most unlikable people in the world. Oh, and Olivia Benson. This is Mariska Hargitay's film debut, and I swear that I'm still scratching my head as to how she got jobs after this. But, wait until you meet her other co-stars that include a pair of dwarves, a mime, and DICK! On this note, we drop some Ghoulies.

The movie begins like all horror movies: a human sacrifice. The "priest," who looks like Sting on Spice, is attempting to sacrifice an infant, but a mother decides to place a pentagram on the baby to protect him. A random old man grabs the baby and runs away, while Sting decides to sacrifice the woman instead. He then stares at her, more annoyed than willing to kill her. Seriously... why didn't he stop the old man from taking the baby? Why didn't the rest of his cult do anything to help Sting? And why does the old man look like a bad Harry Potter character?

We move forward to the future, where Johnathan Graves and his... girlfriend/sister Rebecca, inherit the house the baby was going to be sacrificed. SPOILER ALERT: Jonathan is the baby. Not really a spoiler, because it's never said, but it comes in handy to know later. They decide to celebrate by having a party with the most ridiculous group of people I've seen in horror movies. Seriously, I've seen Sasha Grey in Smash Cut, I've seen Terror Toons and it's "six year-old" played by a porn star, and I watched Carnivore, with a man who refused to be credited for his role in the movie (and barred a door with a door), and this cast is the weirdest one I've seen in horror movies. How can you beat people who had lines like, "I just kissed the severed head of my dead sister. I'm going to celebrate with some trauma counseling!" and "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" How is that possible?

Well, for starters, you have a character who talks in a high, raspy voice, and refers to himself as Toad Boy, and yet, everyone finds this normal. Also in the party is Beavis and Butthead, Princess Whatshername, Olivia Benson (who is dating Toad Boy), and the womanizing jock. He hits on Princess Whatshername, then, not five seconds, walks up to Benson, and hits on her. She asks who he is. His reply is why I'm not giving a nickname: "People call me Dick. But, you can call me... *grunts* DICK!" As if this wasn't bizarre enough, he is played by Keith Joe Dick. I will reiterate: He's DICK!

Jonathan gets the idea of doing a satanic ritual to summon spirits in his basement. Thankfully, they forgo the Strip Weegee from Terror Toons. Benson is quick to point out that the basement is spooky. She'll grow up to face rapists and sadomaschists, but this basement, and later a backyard, are spooky. After the ritual "fails," the party is disbanded. Jonathan waits until Rebecca leaves to summon the Ghoulies, who only he can see and hear. Yes, the monsters are Al from "Quantum Leap" but uglier. Jonathan starts trying to gain power, and finds the pentagram, which he gives to Rebecca-- hold up! How did he lose the pentagram? Did the old man steal it? That breaded bastard!

One day, Rebecca catches Jonathan LARPing after he summons two midget demon minions. Yep, midget demons. Did I mention that I actually have no fucking clue what is going on at this point? Rebecca leaves him, but comes back after his start to glow, and act like like chameleon eyes. I lost count of how many times his pupils never looked in the same direction. He then hypnotizes her into staying, and calling the rest of the crowd back to have a party.

At dinner, the Ghoulies are eating food with the humans, who wearing sunglasses. Jonathan drinks his wine, and suddenly, the crowd are all in sheets, in a circle, where he does an chant that summons zombie Sting, and then they're back at dinner. Jonathan sends them away to their rooms, while Sting tells the Ghoulies that they work for him. Toad Boy and Benson go to the "spooky" yard, and eventually get murdered by the Ghoulies in the fountain. Beavis and Butthead start smoking a joint, and DICK and Whatshername have the world's quickest sex. DICK goes downstairs, and sees Sting as a woman, who he immediately hits on. Sting wraps his tongue around DICK's neck, and crushes(?) it. Meanwhile, Whatshername is murdered by the world's creepiest mime, who turns out to be a sock puppet in a mime doll.

Beavis goes to get matches for the joint neither of them have smoked, but are high from. The midget demons kill him, drag him outside, then kill a Ghoulie that wants to eat him. Butthead gets mauled by a Ghoulie, and Rebecca wakes up from her trance and starts roaming the house, ripping the necklace off. The Ghoulies all attack her, and she falls down four or five stairs, killing her. Jonathan then jumps the stairs and lives unharmed. How did she die, then? She barely fucking tumbled!

Jonathan notices the dead friends doing the Worm down to the basement, where Sting lurks. Hee hee... Sting's lurking! Sting explains that he is Jonathan's father, and he must die for Sting to be immortal. Jonathan tries to use magic on Sting, but it doesn't work. Suddenly, and I've use that one a lot, the old man from the beginning of the movie comes in, and starts a magic duel against Sting. After a boring climax, Dumbledork and Sting are dead, and the friends are brought back to life. How? Does death just reverse itself if their killer is killed? If so, how come Sting died when the Dumbledork died? They both killed each other, so shouldn't they both be alive? Shit, I just realized what that would mean... the movie would never end.

Luckily, it does. The friends get in their cars and drive off, only to be attacked by the Ghoulies. And only Beavis sees them.

This... what the hell is this? It's not scary or funny. It's insane. It gives insane a bad name! For the life me, I don't know how the DICK to classify this movie, other than what the title means in slang British: Shit.

But, we're not out the DICK woods yet, folks. The rest of this month and some of next month, we'll be talking about "Porn Horror." No, it isn't porn. It's horror movies that involve porn in the plot. And we got a big fat hairy doozy next time.

Until then, this is the Window Keeper signing off to look into the regretful choice of this month's theme. And avoid by DICK puns.

Upcoming Stuff

Here's some upcoming stuff in no order:

Brain Junkfood:

House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut
Urban Chaos
Soldier of Fortune: Payback
Top Ten Most Bizarre Stories and Twists in Gaming (PS2- Now)
Nightmare Before Christmas: Oogie's Revenge

Horrid Horror Review (Yes, I'm doing more)

Movies:
Ghoulies
Bloodlust Zombies
One-Eyed Monster
Zombie Strippers
Stripperland
Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives
Insidious

New!* Games:

Silent Hill 2
Alone in the Dark: Inferno

Cinimagenesis

Batman Begins
Spider-Man
Reservoir Dogs
Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay
Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

* These take a bit longer to do than the Brain Junkfood articles, so they will be spaced apart.

New series: Spray and Play: A look at the post-3D Realms/id FPS

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare vs Battlefield 3: Single Player
ColdWinter
XIII
Project: Snowblind
Condemned 2: Bloodshot

First Impressions: Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception

Okay, Naughty Dog, I think we need to have a talk. This pains me to say, but... I think you need to reevaluate your writing processes for games, as well as beta testing. I cannot believe that you dropped the ball this badly on a game that fans have been waiting for this anxiously. I seriously have to ask this: What on earth were you thinking?

Let's talk about glitches and controls. People are not rubber. If I walk into someone because your AI is constantly jumping in front of me, I should not bounce off of them. Pre-scripted movements on your AI as it walks through a door, and blocks me from it, is bad form. Unless you want me to go in a room last, as if I'm the President of the United States, you should probably rethink this decision. Also, people are solid, not ghosts. A thug should not be in a wall, and shooting at me. At the same time, they should not be able to shoot me through a solid wall, unless it is destructible cover, which this game does not have. Then again, the enemies do range from having no brain to god-like accuracy in the matter of two seconds. Maybe this is part of their secret society training, to go from brick to Einstein instantly?

Another thing, this time, about story. Secret Society? Really? When did I start playing a Dan Brown novel? Katherine Marlow, while I applaud the attempt of making a female villain that is a psychological threat, is boring, bland, and, most importantly, not threatening. In fact, she seems comically incompetent, especially since Drake outsmarts her from the very beginning. Yet, despite not having even half the knowledge and clues that Drake has about what they're both looking for, she's always one step ahead of him. So much so, that she predicts one person's fate by placing a tarot card in his coat in the beginning of the game. If you look at "cliche" in the dictionary, both this phrase, and her picture would be in it.

So, would Talbot's picture. *Spoiler* When you're second in command is shot and killed, he should not come back to life as if he is a ghost. For trying to make the game "serious" and "dark," it looks more like two kids playing with action figures, and changing the story as they go along. I will give you this, the line "I even shot him in his fancy-boy waist coat!" was funny. The chasing Talbot through the streets scene, though was not.

After picking up the controller again, the glitches have subsided. The faulty, and flat out boring story, though, has remained so. I'd suggest waiting until this drops in price. Be warned, it is short, and not nearly as good as the last two games.

October First Impressions (Catching Up Edition)

Okay, now that School Money Crisis 2011, I need to catch up on some stuff, gaming wise. No, I'm not dead, the VA took forever with my benefits (they admitted this, and felt pretty bad about it taking so long for everyone), but it's all worked out now. Oh, and I'm working on gaming articles again, but for a different magazine, since the old one went up in flames! Not literally. Let me put some context here:

I was OSDB's top article writer (sad, no?), which meant that I was there big draw to developers. The magazine was going to be published, but only if my blog broke 50 page views a day. They never told me this, and our magazine was going bankrupt. This meant that if I didn't get the page views to get us published, and the magazine went under, I would have had to pay for it. I wouldn't have been okay with this in the first place. What made it worse was the fact that they did all of this behind my back. Now, after most of the people I worked with have left, we went off and started finding another publisher and finance adviser for the magazine, and we're starting from scratch.

Without further ado, though, I am going to give my first impressions of some of the Fall's newest games to come out this month.

1: RAGE: I remember people talking about how RAGE was going to be the revival of the FPS, solely because ID was doing it, and it had a new engine. When it tells you that it was made by the developers of Doom and Quake, yes, that sounds like it'd be good. I thought that it was going to be a Borderlands/Fallout ripoff. Well... it is, but with one exception: those games had a plot. I seriously feel like I was rescued in the game just to kill indiscriminately. Haven't we moved beyond this? Okay, let me rephrase that. Didn't thy advertise this game as having a story? They delivered Doom with cars, minus half if the fun. Oh, but it does run at 60 FPS. The new ID Tech 5 engine has that, at least. Playing on the PS3, though, it looks very jagged, as if they made very little improvements with the models, save for improved lighting. The backgrounds do look beautiful, though. Lastly, far be it for me to talk about a game being too short, but this needs mentioned. I'm halfway through the game, and I've been playing for an hour and a half. It's good for about five minutes, but then, once you realize that its Borderlands (so much that the enemies are called "Bandits" and act like the ones in Borderlands) with Brutal Legend style driving, the veneer wears off quick.

2: Batman: Arkham City: Arkham Asylum is hands down one of my favorite games of all time, with Blood II, Bioshock, Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions, Heavy Rain, and Condemned. This fits right in, as well. It's beautiful to watch, and very fun and fluid to play. Plus, it's jam-packed with characters. Oh, and one character acts different on certain days of the year. Rocksteady didn't make a cash in sequel, they made a project that feels like something the fans deserve. My few gripes are the character designs (seriously... Bane looks awful, and Mr. Freeze looks like a bad Big Daddy), and Harley's voice. It's not the same without Arleen Sorkin. But, those are very minor gripes for an overwhelmingly great game.

3: Battlefield 3: Everyone knows that this game looks great graphically. What they don't know is that this is single-handedly the most accurate modern war shooter I've ever played. When I get chills down my spine from hearing that an area has no civilians, just a fraction of a second before we get attacked, you know you did something right. If you play this as CoD, you will die. A lot. Tactics are needed, and you need to adapt. DICE knows there stuff. The best thing is that this game is very fun, as well.

4: Gears of War 3: I would review this one, but the update corrupted my save, and I sold my 360. It is a good game, but the writing is a little flaky. Here's an example:

Ice-T: Bitch you killed my fucking town, fuckers!

Marcus: I lost my fucking *redacted* fucker!

Ice-T: Fuck you fuckers! I'm Fucking out the fuck here! Fuck!

And Ice-T is never seen again.

Oh, the high point is playing as Cole. Cole is awesome. Anya and the Totally not Chloe from Uncharted character who is sleeping with Post Dead Wife Dom are not. Oh, and Epic screws Dom's character up a tad... but I'm really conflicted as to whether or not it's that bad. I'd recommend it to fans, but not many others.

5: House of the Dead: Overkill- Extended Cut: *Grindhouse Mode Activated* Motherfucking awesome fucking game made fucking longer. Oh, and you fucking play as a motherfucking stripper in a level! My one fucking complaint is that they fucking cut out one fucking song that is fucking funny.

Seriously, it's awesome.

I'll have some more articles up, including a first impression of Uncharted 3.

Brain Junkfood: Blood II: The Chosen

Okay, so picture this: You're in a game developing studio in 1998. People are playing Quake and Unreal, and some are complaining about the resources the two engines use being too harsh on the systems they are supposed to be running on. Your studio has made a game using an engine that is fairly good, and doesn't use enough resources to slow systems down. You also have a successful FPS that used the Build engine known for Duke Nukem 3D. So, what do you do? You make a sequel to your old game, using your engine... then ramp the engine so people complain about it crashing their systems. If you think this is a brilliant strategy, then you must be Monolith, and you just made Blood II: The Chosen.

It's a shame to, that to this day, I still cannot get Blood II to work right on a computer. I got it as a birthday present and it crashed that computer so badly that my family had to replace it. It ran very slowly on our next PC. While it runs on the computer I'm using now, it still occasionally crashes when I do something the game doesn't like me doing... like burning a scientist alive with a flare gun. What makes it a shame is the fact that Blood II: The Chosen is my favorite PC game of all time. Part of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows it exists, but most of it has to do with fact that it is unrepentantly bloody, violent, and cheesy.

Blood was never meant to be serious, taking violence to an extreme, and pop culture references even further. Blood II does that, and adds some of the most bizarre enemies I've seen in a game ever. These include fire-breathing zombies with eyes in the mouths, spiders that make you dizzy, and flying human torso that spawns face grabbing worms. These are included with humans, zombies, and ninja-spiky-bug-monsters called Shikari, that spit acid at you.

The plot of the game is deceptively simple. You play Caleb, a Western outlaw who killed the dark god, Tchernobog, over 100 years ago for killing three of his friends, and fellow Chosen, and has been granted immortality. You're on a train when you hear on the loud speaker that a man named Gideon has taken control of the train, and is trying to kill you by crashing the train. Caleb goes on and chases him, which is actually Gideon wants.

He taunts with a Singularity Generator that would make the CERN Institute blush. Instead of sucking Caleb inside of it, it summons the Chosen one by one, starting with Gabriel... er, Gabriella. Yes, a character went through a sex change when being reincarnated. This confuses Caleb as much as it confused me when I first played the game.

One by one, the Chosen come back, the next being the Warlock, Ishmael. Ishmael explains that Caleb is now Tchernobog, and that if he continues to go after Gideon, he'll cause a tremendous interdimensional rift that will destroy all worlds. This makes crossing the streams seem like a minor annoyance, but Caleb doesn't listen. If Gabriel came back, though not whole, and Ishmael is back, what about the love of his Ophelia? Surely, she has to be alive, right?

Caleb chases Gideon through a Cabal (the cult in the game) security point, and finds Ophelia alive. Gideon takes her, though, and Caleb has to chase him to the roof of the Cabal Office building, where they fight until a portal opens up, and takes them all to the Other World. Gideon is transformed into a giant spider, and is killed. But, the portal needs to closed, which means Caleb needs to fight the Ancient One, aka Lava Cthulhu. After LC's defeat, the Chosen are trapped the Other World, forced to walk back to Earth.

The game doesn't end there, though. There's an expansion pack, and that's where things really get weird. The Chosen find marshmallows and hot dogs and have themselves a little scary story contest. Caleb starts with a flashback to the first game, talking about fighting in Antartica. The problem is that he vanishes and the Chosen don't know where.

Ophelia goes next, and that's when you find out that she used to be a sorority girl. That's the scary part. Ishmael, on the other hand, used to be JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy. Tired of having clumps of earth thrown at him, he kills every pistol wielding clown he sees...

Wait... pistol wielding clowns? What circus is this, the Heckler and Koch Three Ring Gun Circus? Why don't I know about this? It can't be worse than the Smith and Wesson du Soliel. Their sideshow was terrible. Ishmael manages to escape, only to be ambushed by three Behemoths. Behemoths are the hardest bosses in the game, taking every round of every weapon you have, and still living. Now, you have to fight three of them.

Gabriella tells a story about going to a spooky house. The worst things she fights are gremlins that flip her off. Caleb, in the meantime, goes back to his outlaw days, and kills monks and cultists. He then finds the creature that's causing this, the Nightmare, which feeds on terrifying memories. After defeating it, the Chosen continue their trek back home.

Blood II was one of the last games to put plot under game play. Story wasn't the game's main draw, it was the violence and the Army of Darkness jokes, and Caleb singing show tunes. Yes, a man that looks and sounds like a mix of Clint Eastwood and Zombie Billy the Kid is singing show tunes. Don't try to think about that, because your ears will bleed from it. I'm still regretting having to hear it.

You may be thinking, “Why do you like this game if it sounds like it's mindless violence, and is, by today's standards, terrible?” Let me put it this way: why do people still play Doom, a game with absolutely no story, then hate a game like Bodycount for the same reason they love Doom? Why do people want a realistic modern war shooter, then pan Medal of Honor, one of the only games to get anywhere near accurate with the military tactics, strategies, and equipment, and play Call of Duty, a game that scoffs at the thought of realism? Why do people call every brawler a God of War clone, despite the fact that God of War took the basic elements of Devil May Cry?

It all comes down to two things: taste and memory. I loved Blood II and Bodycount because they're mindless shooters that I can sit down and play. But, I also love my Bioshock and Crysis. I've served over six years in the Army, so I know how the military works and fights, while an average civilian may not. Believe me, the soldiers I've served with played CoD to escape reality. And God of War was a game that people were stunned by, because it came out of nowhere and was actually pretty damn good. In the sense that it came from behind, it surpassed the success of the game it based it's combat from.

Do yourself a favor, and find a game with no plot. It could be Angry Birds for all I care, but find one that is mindless fun, and see what mood you're in after you play it. You may find that getting bogged down in the story all the time isn't such a good idea when you want to have fun. I'd give you a list of games to check out, but that would ruin the fun of you searching for it. That, and I also have a House full of Dead that I have to Overkill.

Brain Junkfood: X-Men: Destiny

As a comic book fan, it is very hard for me to say this: I have not read a good mainstream comic in years. Between Spider-Man making deals with the devil to Batman creating a personality for the "inevitable" day that he got dosed with weapons grade meth by his dead father, I have been pretty much jaded. That's not getting into Todd McFarlane's "Rip-Off-O-Rama" that is Spawn and Haunt, who are totally not the Darkness and Spider-Man at all.

Bizarrely, I have been liking the games made with these characters. Spider-Man: Web of Shadows and Shattered Dimensions were both a lot of fun, and Arkham Asylum is a classic. But, an X-Men game hasn't been made since the X-Men: Legends series. Here comes X-Men: Destiny to save the day. Did I say save? I meant ruin, much like a sudden arrival of Leroy Jenkins.

You play as one of three mutants who find out they have powers at a mutant/human peace rally/ love-in. Adrian is a human militant who finds out he has mutant powers. Grant in a football player who does the same. Aimi is a Japanese immigrant who, well... you get the idea. What's weird is that she knew that she was a mutant according to her back story, but she acts like she never knew until the game begins. You can choose your own powers, ranging from Density Control, Energy Projection, and Shadow Matter. In layman's terms, this means, "Turn into a rock, shoot balls of pain, and teleport and use imaginary weapons." The story plays out the same no matter which character you use, but with slightly different interactions.

For example, Grant hits on Emma Frost (who is an X-Man, for some reason) every five seconds, where Adrian back talks every mutant in a feeble attempt to seem tough. You do get to choose which side of the battle you want to be on, be it X-Men or Brotherhood of Mutants. You get to make this choice three times, as if the game thinks that the player is too stupid to remember which side they're playing. This is especially an insult to one's intelligence seeing as the game is four-hours long. If you can't remember a choice you made half an hour ago, this game will remind you that you're an idiot.

The plot isn't X-Men vs Brotherhood, though. Cyclops, taking over after Xavier's death by Bastion. He helps make peace with humans with the help of Luis Reyes, politician and leader of the MRD. "Magneto" attacks the rally, causing the two mutant factions to order you around, and point fingers at each other.

Yes, you, the mutant who just found out about your powers, is the go to guy for a possible outbreak of war. Instead of them fighting each other, they tell you what to do. Emma Frost guides you in the tutorial, with the last tip being how to smash through the floor. Her advice: "This should be an easy smash through for you!" They are a "Welcome to die!" short of a classic, here, but luckily, I haven't "fell to their trap."

As you meet up with mutants, you eventually find that the MRD is creating alliances with human militants and a group called the "U-Men" who can steal mutant powers and absorb them, and supplying them with Sentinel technology. This, of course, means that Reyes is the bad guy, but he's under the influence of Bastion. As far as bad guys go, Reyes is the dumbest. He makes robots, including a robot suit for himself, that Bastion can upload his personality into. He thinks, though, that he brainwashed Bastion so he can get human/mutant peace.

You read this right. He was working on creating peace, so he teams up with a killer robot to create said peace by starting a mutant war so he can have human/mutant peace, despite standing on the brink of having that peace. He ruins his own plan two create a war for peace. This isn't the only dumb thing he does, either. He makes a robot suit based on Bastion's design, and give Bastion a code to "spread his influence" all over the world. This means, Bastion designed a suit, with a download code to input it's "personality" into. Reyes gave Bastion exactly what he wanted, thinking that Bastion would help him out.

Oh, wait, there's more! Reyes knows that Bastion is evil, but thinks he brainwashed him. He thinks he brainwashed a machine. He didn't reprogram it, he brainwashed it. This is why he felt comfortable using a robot suit that Bastion designed. It doesn't explain the stupidity of his plan. Starting a war for peace that was just about to be achieved is about as dumb as writing a book about why you shouldn't read.

Reyes isn't the only one who does stupid things, either. Towards the end of the game, Magneto tells Cyclops that he will kill all of the X-Men. 20 minutes later, Magneto and Cyclops are working together on how to stop Bastion. Then again, writing an actual branching story line may have been too much work. All of the missions are the same, only changing the characters that help you in the mission. At one point, Juggernaut helps you out, and scolds you. When you tell him that you need to find the trail of a mutant before it gets cold, he starts talking about a rotting corpse, then says, "Bummer! Gotta go!" I almost miss, "I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!"

I know this is a little new for a Brain Junkfood, but it couldn't wait. This is the most nonsense game I've played in a while. This is including a game that took away my arms (looking at you, Dead Island)! How do you screw up X-Men like this? How hard is it to write a villain with actual motives? I'll tell you what, next time, we'll talk about a game with a villain with a seemingly dumb motive, but a better overall plan than Reyes. Can't be too hard, right? I just got to put on my trench coat and cowboy hat, and see that things get a little Bloody.

Brain Junkfood: Kiss Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child

Well, well, well... what have we here? Another music based shooter game, eh? It can't be as insane as giving a rapper an arcade style third person shooter laced with psychic helicopters and evil evangelists. Hell, it can't be half as insane as freeing Aerosmith from a dictator who hates music, using a CD launcher. Nothing, I mean nothing, can be as insane as that.

How about Kiss fighting monsters caused by a nightmare circus from an other dimension guided by a gypsy fortune teller. Yeah... this... this... is... What the flying fuck? I mean, seriously, I wish I had dreamed this up, because this is too damn ridiculous to not make money. Too bad Todd McFarlane, the man with no original idea in his head (seriously named a mobster after a hockey player he didn't like, then denied it, as well as claiming to own a character after owning only the logos, among other bullshit he pulled), decided to use Kiss in a comic book (again), but this time, using a circus, after the album, Psycho Circus, was released. He then claimed he had the idea first. Will this guy never learn?

Anyway, Gathering of Developers, aka GOD Games, and Third Law made it into a game. Okay, sure, why not. It's not the most insane thing I've ever seen made into a game (and, yes, I will be doing this game as a future edition, it's too insane to pass up). And, figuring I found it for three bucks, why not see if it's as idiotically fun as I think it may be!

The intro is the first problem. Why does the gypsy sound like she's trying to pick you up? Did I dial 976-HOT-GYPS-YTALK by mistake? "I have cccccccallled mmmmmmmmany mmmmortals..." I guess that answers that question... ick. But, the true kick in the junk, as if you needed it not to work after the imagine of an old woman gypsy seducing you, is that you don't play as Kiss. You play as a Kiss tribute band, Wicked Jester. That's like getting an Elvis CD, only to find out that the songs are Justin Bieber covers. No one wants Bieber squeaking out "Hound Dog." No one.

No One!

Let's work around the fact that we won't see Gene Simmons fighting flying, bowling ball throwing clowns. Before you actually play the game, you have to choose which avatar will get all of his armor shards first. You're choices are the Starchild (Water), the Beast King (Earth), the Demon, (Fire), and the Celestial (Air)--

Hold the hell on. The Starchild and the Celestial. Celestial means of the sky, and stars are in the sky... they're the same damn thing! Starchild is water?! How? The only thing I can figure is "Fish Monger" didn't sound exactly intimidating. Anyway, the choice is pretty useless, because the game sets itself up in this order: Water, Earth, Air, Fire. If you go outside of that, chances are that you're not going to make it through the game in one piece. We'll get to that in a minute.

Every section of the game is pretty formula. Gypsy tells you a bit about the level, you kill everything, get armor shards to look like a Kiss member (but you still aren't one), then, once you have them all, kill the boss in the Circus. The first boss is a midget clown who throws exploding bowling pins. He has three stages, where he gets bigger and harder. A big, hard... clown. Yeah... The first stage isn't much, theme wise. For a "water" level, there's barely any water in them, and when there is, you're usually running from it.

The next area is earth. True to its element, there's a lot of earth in it, including caves and underground dwellings. It's also where we get our first real tough battle, seeing as "Chubby the Growing Clown" is really a push over. The strongman, however, has a habit of slamming his "two ton" fists on the ground, sending a shockwave towards you. Even he isn't as hard as the "Ballbuster." He has a cannon on his arm, and shoots a ball at you the knocks you off of platforms. Oh, and he's mostly bulletproof. Good thing he isn't claw proof!

I forgot to mention that each character has different melee and special weapons. Water has a sword, and a flying star that kills absolutely no one. Fire has an ax and a Dragon that hits nothing. Earth has claws... and a spear that only hurts people when it hits a wall. I might as well have a Francisca, and throw the fucking thing on the ground. Anyway, his boss is a minotaur that jumps around and charges at you. Once he's dead, we go to the air.

You start off running from everything because you have no armor. Yeah, in every section, you start with only 25 health until you get your gauntlets and first weapon. This is meaningless, seeing as you die in one hit anyway without your armor. Luckily, no one bothers attacking you, perfectly content to let you get your weapon and murder them. I was confused, but once I got my gauntlets, I knew why. Game... you sly trickster you.

You know the pattern of the special weapon being terrible and the melee being awesome? Air reverses that. His melee is a weak electrical current, and his special is a fucking blackhole generator. There's even a bug with the current, other than it doesn't kill anything. It sets your accuracy percentage to 0% every time you use it. Not only does it not kill anything, but it screws up your score (yes, you have a score). Luckily, you're blackhole kills everything you see.

The air levels follow their them, mainly taking you to the roofs of a city. Remember the Ballbusters? They're here, and they will knock you off of the roofs, killing you instantly. If you manage to get through, you'll go to the circus, and fight an organ grinder with a minigun. That's... that's just awesome. But the boss is a regenerating stiltman who heals by draining electricity by transformers. Uh... huh? How does that even attempt any semblance of sense. The clown, sure, a juggler. Minotaur, beast trainer. Electric stiltman... how does that figure? I guess it's because his head's in the clouds! You now, because he's the air element? Okay, not funny...

Finally, we get to fire. Fire is in a foundry and underground. Okay, core of the earth, makes sense... but why a subway station leading to the Frehley, Stanley, Criss, and Simmons? I get the joke, but not why it's a fire level, other than it being underground. Really loose connection to me. Anyway, you go to the circus and fight the ringleader. He has three stages, but is a push over. After he's dead, you choose who you want to play as to fight the Nightmare Child. I played as four people, then told to choose which one I want to finish the game with. Let's recap:

Starchild:
Water
Sword and A Star that does no damage

Beast King:
Earth
Claws and A Spear that hurts people when it hits nothing but a wall

Celestial:
Air
Useless electrical current and a blackhole gun

Demon:
Fire
An axe and dragon that shoots at an arc

I chose the Demon because of his badass ax. Then I ended up in a level made of flesh... and clown faces. I finally get to the last level only to find a wall of seeker shooting eyeballs. Twenty of then, no less. Once I blinded them, the Nightmare Child comes out, and it's comical. He looks like an alien baby with a mohawk, in medieval armor. My mind is officially blown. After his first stage, his head grows legs, and attacks you with fireballs. I fought a wall of eyes, an alien baby, and it's disembodied head, then get a sequence of the gypsy telling me to wake up because my dream is over. Yes, this was all a fucking dream. It gets better, because every monster in the game is watching you impersonate Kiss singing "God Gave Rock N Roll To You."

This game is weird, and a little buggy. Aside from the current weapon being utter shit, it does crash a few times, but that's it. It is a fun game, but strange as hell. I mean, who would have thought to have Kiss fighting demon clowns and floating brains that shoot heat rays at you? Are you telling me that I could have Rush in an FPS set in a bleak future, probably 2112, and have a hit? Wait... that would be awesome. Must write story for it...