Horrid Horror Movie Review: Hellraiser: Revelations

I thought that Hellraiser: Bloodlines was the lowest the series could get. It broke continuity, and it was badly written and acted (how many French people had American accents in it?). Even Hellworld had some redeeming factors (though that is still coming up). But... what happens when you take the star of the series out of it? You get something that all of the Hard Cider in the world can't take away. Nor can a shoefull of Baily's in a club where people wee on each other. Trust me... I tried. Don't judge me... it was still better than this movie. Without further ado... Hellraiser: Revelation.

We start the movie with Bevis and Butthead going to Mexico to get their dicks wet. That's not a reference to Sideways' "Get your bone smooched" line at all. Then again, Bevis does ask Butthead if he brought the beer, and Bevis is banging Butthead's sister. Fuck me... I'm watching Carnivore again! Semier spack! After picking up a prostitute, and killing her, they find their car stolen, and go to a bar where Sela Ward is stripping to Billy Connelly staring at her. A vagrant walks up to them and tells them that he can sell them something that will put them on the same level as conductors and surgeons. What about engineers? C'mon! The Engineer!

Bevis buys the box and tries to open it. When Bevis tells Butthead that he's a pussy for asking for help, he asks for help on opening the box. You're a pussy for asking for help, people, until you call someone else on it. Butthead films this all as Bevis manages to open the box.

Let's stop before we get to the actual plot of this movie (this was the segmented beginning that's told throughout the film). This is the problem with Hellraiser sequels. Everyone knows how to open the box. How? It's a puzzle! In the first two, it made sense since it was a family member opening it, and she had the attachment. I could buy a detective who was obsessed with puzzles opening it. But, a drunk college kid opening it easily? How the fuck does that work? I mean, with something that complicated, only a Mensa Member should get it.

Turns out that Steve's Mom is watching this all on his camera. His sister, Emma, calls her for dinner with Nico's parents. Emma mentions Nico (her boyfriend) and Steve which causes both of their parents to call her selfish. She's concerned about her brother (mostly). Obviously, she's a selfish bitch. She's sent upstairs as a punishment, while her dad, a psychologist, smokes a cigar. Our Freudian father is not the only mention of a phallus in this movie. Just wait.

Emma sees the camera, and starts to become obsessed with the puzzle box herself. She hears what Pinhead wanted: "The Box. You opened it. We came." The... box... Please, God, tell me this isn't what we should expect for the rest of the movie. Suddenly, though, Butthead returns, covered in blood. Nico's dad tries to use his cell phone, but there are no towers by their Los Angeles home. They also live four miles away from their neighbors. What are these people, the world's worst Mennonites? Also, their cars are gone. They pay no attention to the fact that some one, somehow stole their cars, dropped of their son, and left without a trace. Seriously... no one fucking notices any of this. There's cutting off the characters, then there's reaching for plot points. Take a guess which this is.

Butthead's in shock, and explains that he tried to walk to LA from Mexico, but was picked up by a prostitute that looks like Adriana Sage. The box tells him to kill her, so he follows through. The next thing he sees is a muscle of an arm and a face. It's Nico who says this clunky gem: "Her blood has brought me back to life! Bring me more!" First off... No to the writing. Secondly: NO! In order to start the cenobite resurrection, the blood of a family member needs to be used. This was established in the first movie, when Larry's blood brings Frank back from the Cenobites. Unless the prostitute was related to Nico, her blood isn't going to do a damned thing to bring him back.

I should probably mention something else that isn't like the rest of the movies: Pinhead. Doug Bradley dropped out of this one due to his salary being cut. The two guys, one for the physical Pinhead and one for the voice, couldn't be any less of a fit if they tried. Fred Tatasciore doesn't so much as imitate Pinhead as whispers gravelly. And the guy doing the physical stuff cannot stop making angry faces. Pinhead is supposed to be devoid of emotions. Walking around, scowling at the world like a pissed off emo ass biscuit isn't going to make you terrifying. It's going to make you pretty fucking lame. It also doesn't help that he's making a new Pinhead Cenobite.

Wait... what the flying donkey fucking Phil Hellmuth? The new Cenobite is a Pinhead... Aphex Twin... show my rage. Excuse this next bit, people...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHOLES!? THE CENOBITES ARE TRANSFORMED INTO A WARPED VERSION OF WHAT BRINGS THEM PLEASURE. THIS IS WHY THE TWINS IN HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES WORKED. THEY COULDN'T STAND TO BE SEPARATED, SO THEY WERE MADE INTO ONE. ANGELIQUE'S BEAUTY REMAINS INTACT, BUT SHE IS FORCED TO USE IT. THE CHATTERERS ARE USUALLY BINGE EATERS, OR CARNIVORES. PINHEAD IS IN PERPETUAL PAIN BECAUSE OF HOW HE BROUGHT PAIN TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS FOR PLEASURE. MAKING ANOTHER VERSION OF HIMSELF (AND WAIT UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHO IT IS) MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. DID THIS IDIOTS EVEN WATCH THE SERIES?

Where was I? Oh, yeah... Hellraiser: Revelations. Why didn't I just watch The Human Centipede 2? So, Butthead goes on a killing spree, murdering hookers until Bevis is a walking skeleton, and it's hinted that every time one dies, he cuts off some of their skin. Butthead refuses to kill one because she had a baby. Bevis kills her instead, then breaks the baby's neck... for no reason.

We find out that Butthead is asleep, dreaming of skinless women making out (by the way, if you're still listening to the Scream... what's wrong with you?), and getting his face skinned off. Freud, after examining his son's underwear--

I... um... what the fuck is going on? Did I miss a bit of the movie? I mean, I know I skipped some of it, such as Butthead's bored deadpan delivery of lines as he attempts to go night swimming, but I was busy raging. Why is his dad looking at his son's boxer briefs? Why does this matter to me? Because I really don't want to talk about what happens next.

Freud gets a shotgun as Emma watches Nico's dad (Peter) try to force open the puzzle box. She takes it from him, and tries to seduce him while opening the box. Yes, people... when Pinhead said "The box, you opened it. We came!" that was, in fact, innuendo. Is nothing sacred in this movie? Mom sends Emma to give soup to Butthead, which leads to him trying to make out with her. No, not Emma's mom and Peter, Emma and Butthead. You know... brother and sister. Thankfully, she runs out after having visions, but one has to wonder... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

Freud and Peter hear noise outside, and find a vagrant. Peter shoots the Vagrant, who then promptly skins Peter's forehead. Suddenly, Peter's entire face is missing, and I'm too jaded at this point to point out the continuity flub. He dies, and Butthead comes out, grabbing the shotgun, and shooting Frued. As it turns out, Butthead is actually Bevis, aka Nico. Nico loved pleasure and pain so much that he tortured women during sex. After opening the box, he was tortured by the Cenobites, in a scene that bastardizes the "Jesus Wept" scene in the first movie. Nico escapes, and after Butthead refused to kill the last prostitute, he skinned him and wore his best friend's skin.

Since his motivations are similar to Pinhead's obviously, he's the new Pinhead, right? No, Butthead is. What... the... actual... FUCK?! No, movie! No! Shame on you! You do that outside, you bad dog! Bad, bad dog! Shame on--

So, anyway, Nico outs that Freud was banging his Mom, and forces Emma to open the box. Pinhead sees Nico, and tries to take him, telling him that he won't trade Nico for Emma. Apparently, she's going to open the box on her own. Freud shoots Nico, killing him. Despite the fact that Pinhead tortures souls he gets pissed off, and takes Emma's mom before leaving. As Freud dies, Emma reaches for the box and rubs it. The end.

I'm not going to say anything else about this. I'll let Clive Barker, creator of the classic Hellraiser and The Hellbound Heart take this. " I want to put on record that the flic [sic] out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN' CHILD OF MINE! have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker, it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole." I couldn't agree more that this festering pile of shit is not worthy of anyone's ass. Let's see, what's up for next time?

Are you kidding me?

This is the Window Keeper, signing off and wondering why this always happens when Poop jokes are made.

Move Complete!

So, the move took three days, but it's finally done. I said that I'd elaborate on that before hand, and now that I'm moved, let's get into this.

One of my old neighbors, lets call him Tom, is part of a motorcycle gang. Said motorcycle gang is now nothing but a bunch of police snitches (not to be confused with informants) who go to the police because they're afraid of every other biker gang in the US. Tom doesn't care, though, because he thinks he's a badass. Apparently, this means he can get anything he wants.

Including deployment movements from the Marines that live next door to me. He also has a nasty habit of snooping on everyone. A few months back, he was seriously wanting to call the police on the Marines for doing their laundry. Tom is not an intellectual giant. Thus, why I wasn't aggressive when I told him that one shouldn't ask Armed Service members when they will deploy. He took it well, seemingly, telling me that his motorcycle gang will protect the building. Between snitches and Marines (and myself being recently discharged from the Army), who am I going to trust. I told him that I didn't care about that.

He threatens me then, telling me I know nothing about his gang. The problem is that not only do I know about the gang, but I have friends in the police force from when I was in my unit (as well as higher). When he sees I'm not afraid of him, he tries to intimidate me by "barking" outside my door all night. By "barking," I mean he sounded like he was coughing up a hairball.

A few days later, as I'm pulling out, I almost get hit by another neighbor speeding into the parking lot. I back up and hit the bumper of Tom's truck. Total amount of damage was less than $10 (seeing as he "fixed" his light with a Mountain Dew can). The police couldn't do anything because it was seen as an accident, and even Tom's significant other, who saw what happened, backed me up on the story. To make things better, there was more damage to my bumper than to his. Figuring it's just a bumper on my car, I offer to pay for the damages. He wants to file with the insurance companies, so we do. His gets a hold of me and mine. My company tries to get a hold of him. He never replies to my company.

A few days later, the apartment manager sees Aberline, my Chinchilla. He gets pissed off, despite being fine before this, saying that Aberline is going to attract fleas. His fur is too thick for fleas to survive in. At this point, I'm looking for a new place anyway, so I tell him just before he says either the pets go or I go.

Keep in mind that the manager of this complex has been my friend for the four years I've been living there, helping me with two problem neighbors, both drug dealers who thought they could intimidate me (one even threatening to kill my family). He then says that I can't tell Tom not to talk to Marines. I explain the issue with that, and he understood pretty well. The next two weeks, though, he starts giving me the stink eye.

Now, back to the drug dealer thing. Most people would move out after the first time. I'm both stubborn, and not wealthy. At the time, I was having issues making ends even come close together, much less meet. Right now, things are tight, but my new situation will help things improve. While I stayed in the complex, I moved from building to building, first because I was losing sleep due to noise (I worked nights at Target and went to night school at the time). The second was because I needed more room. Both of the said dealers knew I wasn't afraid of them, one of them finding out why after he decided to try to hit me in my own home.

Last week, I find an affordable townhouse. My credit checked out, and I started packing, including throwing old, useless junk away. Tom keeps spying on me doing this, and tries to tell my manager that I'm up to no good. The manager won't tell him what's going on, and Tom gets angry. He finally figures out, yesterday, that I'm moving. He talks to the manager about this, and the manager tells him that he evicted me.

While I think he did this so Tom couldn't say, "I scared away an Army guy!" this is something that can land his ass in trouble legally. I wasn't evicted, I got tired of criminals moving in around me. The manager would evict one, and three more would pop up. At my time of leaving, there were eight dealers, a prostitute, a gang, and ten squatters (in an apartment) in the complex, and the owners were more worried about people drinking in their apartments.

I then find out, after the manager greets me cordially that the owners didn't like the fact that I complained about the drug dealers and gang members, so they told him to force me out of the complex. Okay, so I was costing you some business. But, I was costing you the business of criminals. Hell, if they were so worried about it, why did they act like they didn't own the place most of the time? They made it quite obvious that their other property was their priority over this one.

Anyway, this ended well. Last night, I ran into the neighbor above me in the old place, carrying away various chemicals, including cough syrup. He tells the manager's daughter that he's taking care of fresh water fish. With cough syrup and hydrochloric acid. Makes sense to me.

Anyway, I'm in a two bedroom townhouse, now. It's amazing, has two floors, and a porch. The only bad thing I can say is that people around here either don't realize that I'm living here now (which that was remedied), or they don't see that the parking space they're taking is assigned to my apartment. The neighbors got real apologetic when this was mentioned, and seem nice over all so far. The visitors, though... Minor gripe, considering I'm still close to the building, and that it's a nice place to live. If you asked me four years ago, I would've never thought this possible.

Looks like I'm moving on up.