Horrid Horror Movie Review: Hellraiser 4: Bloodline

Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of horror movies gone way too far. Their mission: to put serial killers on the moon, demons on space stations. To boldly bore where no one has been bored before.

Okay, so granted, I've never seen Jason X, but chances are, that ones coming soon, too. The formula for these movies seems to be the same, though: monster X gets put onto space station Y kills B amount of people before scientist Q finds a way to defeat them by trapping them on the station and blowing it up. Hellraiser: Bloodline follows the same pattern. The only thing is, the Hellraiser series was actually good before this movie came along. Okay, Nightmare on Elm Street is good, but seriously... Friday the 13th and Halloween are pretty much the same movie. Think about it, Jason Vorhees is a killer that wears a mask and carries a machete. Michael Myers is a killer that runs around in a mask and carries a machete. The only one up Halloween has over Friday the 13th is Joe Grizzly.

Hellraiser brought something new to the horror table, something that was needed for several years, but didn't get until 1987. You know what that was? PLOT! Hellraiser had a story that wasn't attractive girl X shows of assets T and A and gets killed by killer K (...lowns from outer space), rinse, repeat. Yes, we see breasts... but trust me, you'll regret looking at them (seriously, they belong to the oldest person in the movie) if that's why you're watching it.

It also brought one of horror's most iconic villians, the Lead Cenobite, or more affectionately known as "Pinhead." Pinhead was a monster (never really called a demon due to the fact that his realm was never stated as Hell) who portrayed pain as pleasure. Seriously, it sounds like he's getting off on the thought of hurting someone. He personified all that was evil, but did it in such an eloquent and articulate manner that you couldn't help but feel intrigued while frightened. He even appeared in a music video... but that didn't show off his epic monologues. Oh, yes... like a comic villain, Pinhead monologues. In, like, ever movie, too.

So, what is it that hurts this movie so much? An awesome villain in space should work. Well, when the movie starts, so does the head ache. We see the space station, an unfolded box with the designs of the Lament Configuration. Yeah... I can see where this is going all ready. Inside the space station, Dr. Merchant is using a robot to open the puzzle box via the power glove. The box flies out of the robot's hands, causing the the robot to beep (as in, "Oh, shit!") and explode due to Pinhead establishing his dominance over androids. A team of... space cops(?) enter and arrest Merchant. After bickering about what his problem is (and ignoring the man with his face covered in pins in the next room who just blew a fucking robot up), the sole female, Rimmer, goes to talk to him. Merchant... not Pinhead. After telling them to get off the station, Merchant starts telling Rimmer about how the Cenobites run through his bloodline.

He tells a story about Phillip L'Merchant (despite the fact that in France it'd be le Merchant and in the book The Hellbound Heart, it's Lemerchand), who is an 18'th century toy maker commissioned to build a box for the Duc d'Isle. Why couldn't it be a cake? He finally finishes the box, but it disappoints his wife, because it does nothing. L'Merchant gets mad, and tries to leave, even though his wife is both pregnant and horny because she tries to seduce him before he leaves. Meanwhile, d'Isle and his assistant, Jacques, lure a prostitute to the d'Isle mansion, only to tie her up and kill her. By the way, everyone has a British accent accept for Jacques... who not only has an American accent, but doesn't even try to act. L'Merchant drops off the box, but is suspicious of d'Isle, deciding to spy on them. Much to L'Merchant's chagrin, d'Isle and Jacques are using the box to summon a demon, only after skinning the prostitute and hanging her skin on hooks. In case you don't know what's going on from the silhouettes, d'Isle narrates it as if he was on This Old House.

Anyway, d'Isle manages to summon the demon into the prostitute, naming her Angelique. Yes... a demon named Angelique. You're too clever for me, movie. L'Merchant runs away from the house in disgust. Why didn't he run and get the police while they were butchering this woman? Why did he sit there and watch? To make it better, he goes to a doctor. The doctor doesn't believe him, because after the Renaissance, people stopped believing in God and demons, but tells L'Merchant to build a device to stop demons. This logic makes my brain hurt. So, after the Renaissance, people stopped believing in religion... but encourage building devices to stop demons...? Why, in case they were wrong? Are they that shakey in their belief system?

L'Merchant designs four walls that have a squiggly line enclosed in them. To get this... thing to work, he needs to retrieve the box. He heads to d'Isle's, but finds him dead while Angelique and Jacques do the horizontal mambo. He's caught trying to take the box, though, and is attack by a suddenly dressed Angelique, who also takes the box away from him. He manages to get enough strength to walk out of the room and run into his wife who broke in to save him. With his dying breath, he tells her to take their son to safety. Apparently, though, this isn't Dr. Merchant's last story, as he claims that two hundred years later, his grandfather's blood "remembered" the family legacy to destroy the box.

We enter the dream of John Merchant, who dreams that Angelique is holding his heart, and repeating that she knows what's in it. Well, yeah... you ripped it out of his chest! Ends up that he's a famous architect who built a room with four mirror squares with the Lament Configuration designs. Angelique finds this out by picking up an American magazine (she's still in France), and tells Jacques that they should go to America. He turns his head to show that he has the Davey Havok hair style, and proclaims, "Screw America!" in his American accent. He goes on to say how bad America is, even though he has American magazines, but is interrupted when Angelique attacks him. He tells her he was too hasty, but she kills him by sucking the skin off of his cheek, and putting a claw from her demon glove (seriously, you can tell she just put on a glove) in it.

While Jack is accepting his award, he sees Angelique, and stutters a quote from da Vinci, and walks off. One woman says, "Very nice speech," despite there only being maybe seven words in it. He goes home with his wife and kid, and goes to work the next day. Angelique, on the other hand, seduces a random fat man, and lures him into the basement. She tells him to close his eyes as she punches a pillar and pulls out the puzzle box. Wait a second... Angelique had the puzzle box. She had more made, but none of them worked. And she had it when Phillip died. So, this raises the question: HOW IN THE NAME OF BARKER DID IT END UP IN A PILLAR IN A NEW YORK BUILDING THAT JOHN MERCHANT BUILT?! Seriously, the movie screws up its own continuity in this scene. Another question is, if the Merchant family wants to keep the Cenobites from coming (and they need the box to come forth) why don't they burn the wooden son of a birch, so no one else can use it? It's that simple! They don't need a room with squigglies. Wait... Square room with squigglies...? No line pieces?

Anyway, Pinhead comes out, and tells Angelique that "Hell is more ordered." She shows him the room, but he panics due to the fact that he knows it can kill them. The next day, Angelique asks John to see the plans for the room, finding out that the mirrors will reflect lasers. The only thing is that he has never gotten it to work for longer than a few seconds.

John has a dream that he's boinking Angelique, and awoken by the phone. Meanwhile, Pinhead feeds a dove to the Chatterer Beast (a skinless dog), and lures twin security guards to him and Angelique, to show her how killing is done. The guards give him a chance to monologue, cumulating to another classic line: "I... am... PAIN!" It would've sounded better if Santa hadn't passed by on his sleigh though (seriously, listen to the music at 0:16). He then turns them into the Twin Cenobite by having a mechanism come out and twist their bodies into a siamese twin... thing. Pinhead exacts a plan to kidnap John's son, Jack, because the greatest suffering a parent can endure is the loss of a child.

Pinhead is caught by John's wife, who starts crying, causing Pinhead to say another badass line: "You suffer beautifully, but I'm here for business, not pleasure." Seriously, they need to make the movie about him. You know... like it supposed to be! Where more than halfway through the movie and Pinhead has had two minutes of screen time. He kidnaps the wife as well, and takes them to the building to barter with John. He wants John to make the room into a bigger lament configuration to summon more demons from Hell. No, seriously, he says "demons from Hell." Not once in any of the earlier movies, nor in The Hellbound Heart is Pinhead called a demon from Hell. In fact, I recall it being said that he isn't from hell. In fact, according the the sister mythos, Tortured Souls, the Cenobites are from Primordia. What is this demons from Hell shit doing in my Hellraiser movie? Let alone its against Pinhead's character of wanting punish people for opening the box, but it's not part of the series at all!

While walking to the room, John opens a door and leads his family to a corridor. He puts his son in an elevator (alone), tells his wife to take the stairs, and then turns around to face Pinhead. Pinhead makes the elevator cables snap, sending it falling until John agrees to help. His wife manages to find the box and trap the Chatterer Beast, and follows them. John turns on the lasers, weakening Pinhead and Angelique. Pinhead decapitates John, when John's wife shows up, but they are sucked into the box, bringing us back to the future.

Rimmer doesn't believe Merchant until she finds out that Pinhead killed one of her partners. Another one is killed by the Angelique (who pulls his arms through a mirror, yet his head goes missing), and yet another is being chased by Pinhead... then dies... somehow. Rimmer's commander finally wants to get out, but is told by Merchant that only the box can protect him. He grabs the box, and finds Angelique and the Twin Cenobite. When he can't get it working, the Twins come apart and reform into him. Merchant is having a nice little chat with Pnhead about the game ending. Merchant asks Pinhead about faith causing yet another epic line: "I am so exquisitely empty." When asked how the Cenobites can die, Pinhead utters his last epic line: "I am FOREVER!"

Rimmer traps the Chatterer Beast in an airlock, and pressurizes it until the beast explodes. No, movie. That logic works with our earth species, but not with beings from another dimension that cannot be hurt by earthly conditions. I'll give you credit for the idea, though. But if weapons and lasers can't hurt them, either can pressure. She makes her way to the escape pod, and waits for Merchant. Merchant is still talking to Pinhead, but disappears showing he was just a hologram. The space station folds up, killing the Cenobites. Merchant tells Pinhead, "Welcome to Oblivion," (a line Pinhead says in almost every movie), to which Pinhead replies "Amen," and blows up. The end.

There is something to be said that Pinhead is still awesome in this craptastic movie. But, he's not enough to save the movie. The writing is horrible, and breaks the continuity of the series and itself. The acting is bland (mostly), and the plot is the movie equivalent to a TV Show episode that's a clipshow. Do yourself a favor and read The Hellbound Heart and watch the first two Hellraiser movies instead.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean out my toy closet. Now, where'd my puzzle box go...

Regular Movie Review: The Box

This was going to be a Horrid Horror Movie Review, but I just can't do it. It's not that this is a good movie; it's that I watched the whole damn thing, and I still can't tell you what was going on in it. It takes the simple idea of "a box with a button that will kill someone and award the button presser one million dollars," and turns it into a pile of nonsense images and hodge-podged ideas. First, its NASA and the NSA working with a disfigured man, then its aliens that want to play with people's heads, then there's a steroid Stephen King in a library chasing that wussy guy who played Cyclops in the X-Men movies, who escapes by going into a pillar of water that takes him home.

I should've known better, though. The minute I saw Cameron Diaz faking a Southern accent while teaching about different views of Hell in a private school, I knew where the movie was heading. When she shows that she's missing four toes (a plot point that I still cannot fathom as to why it was important to this movie), I was utterly confused. When they finally tell us what happened, the story was so bad that it borders on the same line of ridiculousness as House diagnosing Anti-Social disorder by how someone opens a letter.

What makes the movie worse is that Diaz and James Marsden rub in the fact that they're "living paycheck to paycheck." She works at private school, he's an engineer at NASA (and an astronaut candidate). They live in a six bedroom house (with a den, study, and a basement, all bigger than my apartment), and he drives a new (for the the timeline) Corvette. They also mention that they spend "way too much" money on useless things... you know because fixing her damn foot should be the last thing on their minds. The offer is tempting to them because they'll "never see that much money" ever again. If they saved their money instead of spending like crazy, sold the house (seriously, a six bedroom house for three people?), and sold the car, and lived like, you know, people instead of materialistic idiots, they probably would. For that matter, even if they don't see a million dollars by this method, do they really need that much money to be happy? What's more important money that they'll probably spend on things other than her foot and their son, or being happy and disabled?

Oh, in speaking of disabled, the "climax" of the movie is a choice: Kill your wife and your son gets the money or both of you live, but son lives the rest of his life deaf and blind. What do you think they choose? I'd say this is a spoiler, but the only thing you know when watching this movie is how it's going to end. Seriously, why is it so easy for people to take care of healthy kids, but if they go blind or deaf, the kid becomes a hassle? The kid is still alive, isn't he/she? It's better for the kid to be disabled with parents that will love him/her (him in the movie) than to go on without parents, but healthy in relative terms. Of course, this may just be me, and I believe that all life is sacred unless wasted. The choice in this movie is meant to redeem the two characters, and it falls flat on its face. Does the writer seriously think that humanity is that wasted that we'd pass up coping with pain and overcoming it for happiness? First greed, than avarice, then what? Life's hard, people; suck it up and move on.

Overall, this movie acts like it's an art film, filled to the brim with shots that are useless to pushing the movie forward. It puts forth plot points that have nothing to do with the movie as a whole (I guess the missing toes are symbolic, but of what, I have no idea). It's meant to provoke a reacting, but by the end of the movie, you're so tired of the randomness that you just want it to end, and to give you the two hours you spent watching it back.

I give this movie .5 out of six Pandoras screaming.

A Look At Things to Come on This Site

"Welcome to oblivion" is right. This movie sucks, and soon you'll see why.

Here's what else I'll do soon:

April First Horrid Horror Movie Review: "Lola" (a.k.a "Twinkie")

Horrid Horror Movie Reviews:

Haekel's Tale

Chupacabra Terror

Dot.Kill

Cursed

Specials:

"I'm Commander Shepherd, And I Don't Give A Rat's Ass About This Store"

"My Scariest Horror Movie"

TMI: TNA/WWE Pt 1

"Alma Just Wants Some Love"

Game Reviews (When I Get Time)

Uncharted 1 and 2

Killzone 2

Borderlands

Aliens vs Predator

Mass Effect 2

Thoughts On Goria #3: Spreading the Infection: Socket and Chronophage

An strange thing about Goria: He can't bleed after after his first confrontation with Pandora Celee, who manages to cut a tendril off. The Necrocyte reroutes his veins and arteries to prevent his "wounds" from bleeding, and adapt so they can reroute at a instance before being cut. But, his tendrils still seep a fluid that helps him climb walls, and grip onto other surfaces. Being that this is still a biological fluid, the infection can still be spread from this. Goria learns this twice.

Both times happen in the same event ("23," named after the Jimmy Eat World song), but only one time goes noticed by Goria. That one is Milo Sorban. The build up is that Harbinger is hired to kill Cory Harion, with aid of punks Milo and "98" Jones. Harbinger notices that Goria's girlfriend, Mina Ross, is watching, and reacts by throwing her out of the highrise's window, effectively killing her. Goria finds Cory's corpse being ripped apart by Sorban and Jones, and promptly beats them crap out of them, inadvertently killing Milo Sorban. He also inadvertently infects him when a tendril touches and open wound.

Sorban returns to life due to the Necrocyte "rebooting" his body. But, due to the damage Goria did to him, he's incomplete. His right arm is heavily mutated, his left eye is missing (an ironic shot, due to Milo gouging out Cory's left eye), and his battered skin and muscle doesn't heal, and seems to be at perpetual state of bruising and cut, giving him a disturbing look. The Necrocyte gives him the extremely enhanced strength and agility that it gives most of the Infected, but his ability is more of him being kept alive and mutated than any other weird, disgusting ability. At least he can talk, unlike Vomir, what he's harder to look at.

The second time it happens is around the same time. He touches a young woman who witnessed Cory's murder, who becomes Infected. After being taken by the authorities, she's placed in the witness protection program due to Harbinger being a threat, and her being alive. It's not long afterwards that her eyes start glowing, and she accidentally ages someone who tries to cut her in line in a shopping mall.

TORAH gets a call about her a few years later, after she learns to control her abilities, and think about sending Goria and Mystery after her, as Zeta and Gomorrah are fighting Bio-Lynn, and Sin is training Basil Zapata and Cameron McDonald to fight Infected enemies. Vlad doesn't, though, when Dr. Stephen Ross is killed by Harbinger. Goria and Mystery go after Harbinger, only for Goria to nearly die (SPOILERS BE FOLLOWING) only to be saved by Mystery who takes a bullet for him. Harbinger is caught reloading and crushed under a press in the factory, finally stopped, but only after killing Mystery, who finally reveals her last name. Vlad sends Goria on a vacation to Colorado, where the so-called "Chronophage" is waiting to "come home."

The twist? As if it wasn't obvious yet, Chronophage is Mina Ross. Due to the timing of her return, though, this is awkward for Goria, due to him being in a relationship with Bonnie Carson. But, it's fitting due to Goria never coping with two people's deaths; Mina's, who blamed himself for, and Erica DuPont, who he could've saved twice. He copes with Elaine's death after Samael attempts to infect her, only to end up making her slowly melt into a pile of goo until Goria kills her to put her at rest again.

I haven't thought out the whole romantic triangle that result from this. Bonnie is good character, and is a good balance to Goria. But, Mina has a lot to atone for, due to her being the reason Goria is who/what he is in the first place. Only time will tell how this will end up.

Top Ten From Hell: Graphic Adventures

Welcome to another Top Ten from Hell. Today's topic is graphic adventures. Remember the days of yore when games needed a mouse to play them? Okay, PC games still do, but I mean you used the mouse to point and click, grab stuff, open doors, and even sleep with pixelated, doe-eyed honeys. Now, we use "WASD" and "D-Pads" and "Joysticks." Phah, I say! PHAH! That's why we're looking at the top ten graphic adventures of yesteryear.

10: Maniac Mansion: We need to start off right with an oldie. In Maniac Mansion, you played as a team of teenagers who go into a haunted mansion to save a cheerleader from the comet-loving, insane Edison family. It was one of the first games to have characters with differing abilities, multiple endings, and even a hamster nuking. Even more interesting, it was released on the Nintendo as well as PC. It was a little tedious on the Nintendo, but still a classic.

9: Shadowgate: I'm not talking about the N64 Shadowgate. I mean the old school Shadowgate for the NES. A story behind it, my family bought it years ago, but we got stuck right in the first half hour of the game. We noticed a hot line, which we called, that ended up being for a hint book. Out of desperation, we ordered the book. When it came in, we all stayed up until we beat the game. This isn't because we're idiots, it's really that hard of a game. But, it's rewarding too. If you can find this game, play it. It's leaps and bounds better than the N64 version.

8: Quest for Glory 4: Shadows of Darkness: Not quite a graphic adventure, but not quite an RPG, either, this game still reigns in my mind of what fantasy games should be like. It has a dark, yet humorous story, beautiful imagery, and atmospheric voice acting and events. It also has some of the best puzzles I've seen in a game. The best part is that it draws from folklore from Eastern Europe. The one that comes to mind is the Rusulka, female spirit that lures men to their water deaths. The game makes me wish I had Windows 3.1 again...

7: I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream: This is a weird one for me, being as I never played it. But, what I have seen of it is very interesting. Playing as each of five survivors after the Apocalypse, you have to find a way to escape the control of AM, a robot that's keeping you alive for his amusement. By amusement, I mean he tortures you all. It's based on a Harlan Ellison book, and those of you who know me know I hate his work. For me to say that this is good... that means something.

6: Space Quest 4: Roger Wilco and the Time Rippers: For me, this is the Space Quest game. Janitor Roger Wilco finds himself tripping the time fantastic after he is saved from an attack outside of the bar he was telling "war stories" at. Being a lowly janitor, you don't fight anything, you use your wits. If you go in trying to fight, be prepared to hear "Are you sure you want to restart?" and "Thank you for playing Space Quest 4! As usual, you've been a real pantload!" a lot.

5: Missing: Since January (aka In Memorium) and Evidence: The Last Ritual: One of the most unusual graphic adventures I've played, Missing doesn't use a point and click interface. Instead, its a series of videos and puzzles that you'll have to use the internet to solve (as well as in game tools). You'll get emails from other people helping you solve the murder, and eventually the murderer himself. There isn't a game that has done the atmosphere immersion better without this system. Considering what the game is about, and how twisted the emails you'll get are, I doubt there will ever be.

4: Sam and Max Save the World: Most would say "Hit the Road," but the first season brought more to the table. From the cast of bizarre characters, to even more Sam and Max humor, the game doesn't stop. Where were Bosco and (the strangely attractive for a cartoon) Sybil Pandemick in the first game? When did Max run for President of the USA and win in that one? Ha! They weren't anywhere, and he didn't. Not until this game.

3: Full Throttle: LucusArt was at there "A" game with this one. A biker graphic adventure that was funny and varied. Fighting on motorcycles? Here. Throwing fertilizer in someone's eyes to get a chainsaw? Here. Catching on fire to distract an audience in a demolition derby and blow up some bad guys? Here. A final battle on a semi-truck where you can't die, only say "Hmm.... Lemme try that again." It's all here.

2: Sanitarium: This one's a weird one. You play as a man in a mental asylum who drifts in and out of reality, going to different worlds at different times. Each world has its own distinct atmosphere, ranging from creepy mutant children worshipping a "mother" to a cyclops alien planet. While the plot does seem to run thin after a while, its still a really good game. It has a deep storyline (albeit the horror factor runs out in the middle of it), and it never seems to do the same thing twice. Worth a look, a play, and even the price to buy it, even if its just to say you own it.

1: Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Father: A classic for all adventure games, what makes Gabriel Knight a well developed game isn't the graphics or the sound. It's the characters. Writer Jane Jensen manages to make Gabriel a lecherous, scuzzy, loaf of an ass, yet you still want to play the game. You don't want to play it because you like Gabriel, you play it because you want to see what happens to him. That ends up changing to you actually giving a damn about him and his friends, mainly because he changes gradually. Character development... something that's missing from most games. Seriously, name one that has it? Silent Hill 2? No, James starts of as what he ends up being: an amnesiac jerkass. Infamous? No, Cole ends up being a self-loathing jerk or a plain old murderous jerk (and I even liked Infamous). Not many games have done it lately, and those that have still can't hold a candle to Gabriel Knight. Don't believe me? Go to Good Old Games and try it. Tell them Ben sent you... not that they'd care, really... Just thought that sounded cool.

Horrid Horror Movie Review: Carnivore

The age old axiom of "What has been seen cannot be unseen" comes to mind with this review. I have seen the bottom of the barrel, dear reader, and believe me, its not pretty. I have seen the plotless blasphemey of Cthulhu, the nonsensical ramblings of The Nun, and even the ever gaping face of retarded Wesker in Dark Ride. But, never in my life did I think I would find a movie so over the top bad, that the star of the movie isn't listed in the credits. Seriously, the rest of the cast, right down to the person who just "voices" the monster (I use that term VERY loosely) is listed, but the guy who plays the main character in this is nowhere to be found. It gets worse, too people.

After reviewing Cthulhu, I cracked the DVD in half. This was not done out of rage, this was done out of the safety of humanity. If someone found this movie in the dump, and decided to watch it (for some dumbass reason), they would be spared by my quick thinking. Carnivore, though, actually coaxed such rage from me, that I paused the film to take out the DVD slip and carve the word "NO!" into it. At first, it was a reply to part of the movie, but its become a trophy; its now saying "Thank God that there won't be a sequel to this horrible piece of celluloid history, this mutant abomination of shit, bad writing, horrible acting, horrendous editing, and images of monster splooge (I kid you not) that shouldn't have existed in the first place."

You may be saying that I'm making this up as I go along, but trust me, I have the pictures to prove how bad this is. The DVD has no features other than the movie. No outtakes, no subtitles, and no commentary. What it does have is a shot on video movie that couldn't pass as an indie film in the '70's, complete with more akward pauses and forgotten lines than Twilight. This movie is so bad, that the guys from MST3K couldn't make fun of it, because they'd be laughing through the movie. That's how bad Carnivore is... actually, it's WORSE! It's so bad, that I put off on talking about it for three paragraphs now. That has to be a record for me.

The movie starts with a narration of a woman talking about a scientist working on a government project: a monster that eats people, named Carnvore, or "Carni" for short. You know, because all monstorous government projects need cute nicknames! The scientist is bitter because "Carni's" pheromone levels are higher than normal, read "Carni's horny." This extremely important, can't-be-ignored plot point is rubbed in by both the scientist, and the narrator, who both repeat this no less than five times each. The scientist also mentions that he took "a google of cash on a leg of lamb." Okay, now, I was corrected on this that its supposed to be "gougol" which still makes no sense because a leg of lamb doesn't cost as much as all those zeroes. Sure, its an exageration, but even those have limits. And even then, he'd be spending it, not taking it.

The scientist decides he needs to give Carni a shot, so he opens up her door, and tries to stick her with a needle. Did I mention that he's supposed to be a genius? No? Now you know why. Carni attacks the guy (the first "no shit, dumbass" scene in the movie) and proceeds to... do... something. I would say Carni is humping his corpse, but its shown in a first person POV, and Carni is a female. Whatever Carni is doing, she leaves a trail of slime on him. I'm thinking this is monster cum... you know, due to the pheromone levels being high in the monster. But, its never really expressed in the movie. Instead, we get a scene where we meet out narrator, Dana Anderson, who works for the Department of Defense Intelligence Agency, or "DIA" for short. I'm sure they mean "DODIA," but figuring the direction of this movie, I can't tell. Maybe they didn't want to sound like Porky Pig. Dana's acting is worse than if they pitched in the extra few bucks and hired a porn star to play this part. Dana tells the director of the DIA that Connie-- CONNIE?! They were calling it "Carni" now it's "Connie?" This isn't her accent, people, they change the pronunciation. Anyway, Connie escapes, and the director takes his (male) assistant (who is covered in more make-up than Gene Simmons) to tell the scientists working on watching the house to keep this from the upper echelons of security. Yes, keep the info secret from the people who NEED TO KNOW IT!

We cut to our main character, Scott, who is a musclebound jock type with long hair coming home in a pink and blue leotard, carrying a plastic trashbag full of paintings. What is he doing with these paintings? Why are they in trashbags? For that matter, WHY'S HE IN A LEOTARD?! We will never get an answer as he goes upstairs, calls his friend and asks if his friend's girlfriend is coming. He then asks is his friend's sister is coming. He tells his friend that his own brother is bringing the beer, and that he's going to bone his friend's sister. His plan is to have three guys and two girls, one of which is his friend's sister who he wants to have sex with, to go to a "haunted house" and do the dew. No! No, movie! Bad! Don't do that again!

We cut to Dana in a limo with two DIA Agents in glasses: a black guy named North and a guy that looks like Scott in a tux named Liddy. They see that Dana is asleep, so they start talking about "modifying" an Uzi by replacing the insides of it with that of an assault rifle, thereby making it more powerful. Yes, if by "more powerful" you mean if you launched it from a cannon, because all its good for now is either cannon fodder or dumpster fodder. They plan on killing Connie, because "that Dana's a bitch." This is the best logic they can come up with? Kill the monster because the woman's a bitch? How did they put this together? Oh, because her mission is to capture Connie alive and she heard them the whole time. She was awake, because she needs to pee, to which Liddy tells her "no, go in a bottle." By the way, North is now driving the car, even though he was in the back.

Scott goes to pick up his friend, Marc, Marc's girlfriend, Dee, and his sister, Bobbi. Bobbi thinks Scott is a moron wearing a pink shirt right off the bat. This is because he's wearing a pink shirt, and has the world's dumbest grin on his face. By the way, our movie's "icon of masculinity" is a buff guy wearing pink. Yes, pink used to be the color for male babies, but in today's world, this means Scott thinks "Bobbi" is short for "Robert." They get in the car, only to worry Bobbi, who doesn't want to go to a haunted house. I'd be more worried about the fact that the men stuffed the girls they intend to boink in the back of the car, so they could be up front. This worries me more than them drinking beer while they drive. Sorry if this seems like "gay bashing," but Cthulhu damaged my psyche in this area. They pass by Sherriff Marty Hoyt and Deputy Pedro FromNaploeon-Dynamite, who ignore them and play games. They take off and pass the DIA agents, who now have a flat. Liddy and North are scolded by Dana who goes to the woods to pee finally, while they walk to the flat, and bow their heads. Seriously, they pray for the tire. They have a funeral prayer for the tire!

Dana comes back to see them eulougizing, and finds out that neither of them knows how to change a tire, even when they were in the Special Forces. They can survive in the woods, but they can't change a tire. So she changes it. While she does, the kids show up at the house, but park back a foot away so that they can sneak in through the woods. The woods in a resendential area. They're worried about being seen going into the house, but not the woods. I can see how these guys are geniuses. While walking up there, Marc hits on Dee, causing Scott to give him a big flashlight, due to Marc having a small penis. It is supposed to be a joke, but the way they've been acting, I'm thinking Scott is serious.

They go into the house, look around, get drunk... and go to the attic where they find some antiques. Scott and Bobbi go downstairs and find the cooler open. They ignore it and sit down. Scott looks at Bobbi nervously, turns away, and repeats this three times before suddenly getting extremely close to her, and offers her a beer in the most creepy manner possible. She says yes, and they find out that the cooler is empty. Meanwhile, Marc and Dee decide to have sex in another room. This scene contains the two only good things in this movie: Dee's breasts and Marc getting killed by Connie.

Let me explain something: Every slasher movie worth its salt seems to have a sex scene, but with no build up. Besides Connie's pheromone levels and Marc's jokes, there is no build up for the sex scene. But, the male in me has to mention that Dee's breasts are seriously the only good feature of this movie, due to the fact that they're real, and NOT huge, DD's that almost every slasher has. She has a modest build, but, from an aesthetic view, still amazing. Too bad that this scene is tarnished by Marc getting eviscerated and splattered on top of her. Dee puts her clothes back on, and runs down screaming. In the mean time, Sherriff Hoyt and Pedro show up, but linger outside until the girls run out screaming, distracting them from Scott running upstairs. The Sherriff tells Pedro to take the girls back to the car... after they watch them run to the car. They then stay downstairs.

Scott goes to the bedroom, looks at Marc's dead body for 20 seconds, and ignores it until he turns away from it then looks again. He screams after seeing Connie, and runs into the attic. What insues is the most badass thing since Yor gliding with a dead bat. Scott locks the door, and bars the door with another door. He blocks the door with a door. You can't tell me that isn't awesome. Connie, though, crawls under the boards, and attacks Scott.

By the way, the Sherriff and Pedro just now hear this, and Pedro runs upstairs. Scott gets up, grabs a 2x4 and hits Connie on the head with it, sticking by the nails in its head. Scott then screws whatever epicness he had with one line: "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" I rewinded this scene more than I did with "Trevor doesn't want a yee-yee" and "Padre Pine in a Corridor." More than Wesker's slur in Dark Ride, and more than " I love the goat" from Black X-Mas. All I can make out is "Semier Spack for YOU, motherfucker!" All I can figure is that he's advertising for "Paul Semier's Wall Spackle." Semier Spack: For YOU!

Scott runs out and watches Pedro get killed. Too bad the Great Will of the Macrocosm couldn't save him. Scott runs into the Sherriff, who lets hims run to the car due to Pedro being dead. The Sherriff goes outside and runs into the DIA. Dana introduces herself as "Dan Anderson of the Department of Defense Intelligence Agency," which causes the Sherriff to yell about how they shouldn't be here in his town. Liddy grabs the Sherriff's throat and threatens him until Dana (or "Dan") tells him to put him down. Liddy then squat-walks off screen, holding his Uzi like an assault rifle and screams "GOD, I LOVE THIS SHIT!" The purpose of the scene was to show that, I guess, becasue the three manage to walk into the house with no more objetions. By the way, the Sherriff and the teens are never seen again.

Connie sees North and kills him, while Liddy and Dana look in the lab. They find the scientist is dead, and are shocked by it. Liddy loads up live rounds after touching Connie's splooge, and they go upstairs. Dana touches the railing and finds more slime. She expresses that it's cold, to which Liddy replies, "That means it's been there a while," as he walks upstairs making a weird face at the camera until he's halfway off the shot. It's like this was an outtake and the director put it in anyway. Hell, it's like they shot nothing but outtakes, and this was the best one they had. Who does Liddy think he is, Horatio Caine?

They split up, and Dana finds Connie. Connie won't attack Dana because she's unarmed, and not afraid. Connie then explains that she can sense pheromone levels, but confuses arousal with fear, which is why she attacked Marc. This is caused by her pheromone level's being high. She attacks people because she's horny, but confuses sex with killing? Connie is really that dumb? Even worse, she looks like the bastard child of Whoopie Goldberg, Ted Danson, and a Silverback Gorilla. Liddy bursts in and shoots Connie until she's a lifeless lump on the ground. Dana yells at him, to which he screams, "Just doing my job! MA'AM!!!" Seriously, he's the best actor in this movie, and he still can't act. Dana goes back to her car and radios her secretary saying that they need back-up. The end.

No, seriously, that's it, the whole movie. It ends on a cliffhanger. You know what, I'm not going to say this movie sucks. I'm not going to acknowledge that it even WAS a movie. Instead, I'm going to anticipate the sequel to this... thing. Sure, "it will never happen," you say. But, people said that about "Dahmer vs. Gacy." You know what, I'm not going to rest until "Carnivore 2" is made. Even if I have to make it myself with an all homeless drunk cast. Even then, it'll be better acted and directed.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to write my script for "Carnivore 2: It Kills... AGAIN!" God, I need a life...

First Reactions: Mass Effect 2

Welcome again, reader. Today, I am musing about the first impressions of a big title game: Mass Effect 2. Note: I was hesitant to buy this game due to how it has been advertised as a "sex sim." It's actually thanks to Bennet the Sage from thatguywiththeglasses.com that I actuall got interested in this game.

Controls:

Pros: Mostly tight. The aiming and gun play is better, the dialogue trees aren't changed (a good thing). The addition of Paragon and Renegade QTE's may seem like a little much, but they actually fit in pretty well.

Cons: Combat, and I'm the only one that may think this, is a bitch. ME1 did a clever thing with the non-reloading weapons, ME2 does away with that... mostly. It's explained that you have to reload a thermal clip when it overheats. The problem is that most of your weapons need to be reloaded after only a few shots. Oddly enough, it reminds me of Borderlands' combat, but in third-person, and not as well developed. Movement is way too slow, the sprint is too short of a distance, and for some inexplicable reason, some cover you can't shoot from, nor hop over.

Aesthetics:

Pros: No pop in graphics (mostly). Great voice acting. The return of some characters looking different is a good touch.

Cons: It's painfully obvious that the Hollywood stars, i.e. Michael Dorn, Martin Sheen, and Keith (Badass) David, steal the show from the "unknowns." Yvonne Strahovski (Miranda) seems to be there only to be a sex symbol or an absolutely annoying, condescending bitch who can't act. Some graphic pop ins, and major graphic errors (wanna see the inside of a Krogan's mouth?)

Characters:

Pros: Mostly better developed that ME1. Garrus and Tali are always welcome back to the series as far as I'm concerned. Jacob Taylor is freaking awesome. Joker and Dr. Chakwas return, with some humorous events along with them. Grunt is more interesting than I thought he'd be, and Mordin is funny and cool as hell. AI is pretty good. The addition of a human female love interest for both genders of Shepard is fine... but what about the occasional gay gamer?

Cons: Miranda and Jack are both annoying. Miranda can fight, but usually dies first due to bull rushing the offense. I haven't used Jack for fear that she might have sex with the enemy instead of killing them. I haven't gotten Thane, Legion, or Samara yet. Enemies like to target you, and leave allies alone. The game is obviously meant for teenage boys and men with nothing better to do, due to the fact that you have more relationships that appeal to straight male gamers or lesbian gamers than a straight female or gay gamer.

Player:

Pros: Importing your Shepard is awesome. Being able to change class and looks is good too. The Adept class is very well done.

Cons: Um... what about the scars in the first game? Changing your looks seems counter-productive in the story if you import.

Story and Etc:

Pros: Good writing and execution. Loyalty quests had a more TV show feel to the game. The return of some characters is a good addition... but...

Cons: The end mission stat screen pulls away from the games feels. The loyalty missions seem tacked on at points. The enemy is never really developed like Saren was. The game is on the short side for an RPG. I'm half-way through it in 10 hours. The return of some characters seem forced and very against who they are.

Overall so far: I'm not done with it yet, but it's not a bad game. The first was better by far, though, in the story area. The characters in this have the much needed development that only a few had in the first (i.e. Tali had a interesting backstory and culture, but Ashley did not). But, the writers seemed to have forgotten how real people (much less their characters) would react if they saw someone who was dead for two years. If you liked the first, this is worth a play. More on it later.

Horrid Horror Movie Review Preview: Carnivore

The tag line doesn't do it justice. Hell, the tagline wouldn't do anything justice. "It kills?"

Just watch the video...

Thoughts On Goria #2: Sodom and Gomorrah: Excuse For A Lesbian Couple, Or Something Much Deeper?

Two of the most interesting characters in Goria, at least, I feel, are Ivy De La Rossi and Emily Grant, more "affectionately" known, respectively, as Gomorrah and Sodom. They contrast each other perfectly; Sodom is physically capable, but relies much more on her psychology shifting abilities, while Gomorrah is intelligent, but relies on her physical abilities. Sodom is deranged from the beginning, while Gomorrah only loses her mind after the death of someone very precious to her.

But, what makes them so "bizarre" is the fact that Sodom and Gomorrah are not only partners in crime, but *gasp* a lesbian couple! Yeah, I know, anyone who reads this all ready knows, but it doesn't stop the fact that it's taboo. The trick for me is writing them in a way that doesn't come off as them being there as fan service. True, Sodom looks like a plainer version of Jennifer Morrison and Gomorrah... well... But, despite their appearances, their personalities are vastly different. Again, Sodom loves to kill, whereas Gomorrah does it to make Sodom happy, but is weary of it at first. Sodom is a sociopath with maniac-esque tendencies, whereas Gomorrah is lighthearted and fun loving (at least at first and after Goria: World War). But, the contrasting personalities alone aren't enough to make them work as a "legitimate" comic couple.

But, as time would prove, the best thing about designing, whether its art, a logo, or a story, inspiration can come from others. In this case, it was a comic book called How Loathsome. The first chapter talks about the main character, Catherine, and her room mate, Nick, meeting a girl named Chloe at a bar. Nick is surprised to find out that Chloe is a transvestite. Before you back up, and delete me, bear with me. Catherine knows, and is a transvestite herself, and the two start a relationship. What's interesting about it (I'm not the target audience for the book, obviously, but I still loved it), is Catherine's thoughts on the relationship. "We were beautiful monsters, the kind the city thrives on, allows to flourish, and greedily destroys. I imagined us as twin creatures, and reveled in that twisted bond. Alone we felt like outcast aliens. Together we were perfectly matched, too unusual and awful for anyone else." (©2004 Tristan Crane and Ted Naifeh)

Truly as bizarre as it sounds, Gomorrah sees her relationship with Sodom nearly like that. Gomorrah is a monster, Infected with the Necrocyte, causing her spilt blood to become a living being that can be controlled by her. Her scars, tattoos, blind eye, and Infection make her unwanted by society's "normal" people, thus she sees herself as a monster in her own skin. She sees Sodom as equally monstrous at first, but later more so after finding Sodom can't (or won't) speak. Gomorrah feels Sodom is so monstrous, in fact, that she can't stand the sound of her own voice. This is mostly confirmed by the fact that Sodom can make people do her bidding, or go insane (or both), making Gomorrah believe that Sodom is so monstrous, she's practically a demon. But, on the other hand, she can't help but be drawn into what Sodom offers as a relationship, even after her father tosses them both out of his house because he caught them in bed together on Gomorrah's 18'th birthday.

Their relationship isn't without flaws. This may contain spoilers, so if you're at all interested in Goria, and don't want this ruined, skip this paragraph. Gomorrah tells Sodom several times that she loves her. Her actions prove it on a near constant basis. But, Sodom never tells Gomorrah she loves her until its too late. Sodom may in fact love Gomorrah, but at the same time she never shows much emotion at all. The only time Sodom says "I love you," is seconds before she dies due to a neck injury caused by Carapace. Even more emotional (and adding a kick in the ass to a cliche scene) Sodom actually says it out loud, proving that she did love Ivy. In fact, she loved Ivy so much, she couldn't die without letting her hear her actual voice. This is also what causes Gomorrah to go insane; without Sodom to tell her what to do, and without her equal monster, the one that understands what it feels like to be isolated, she goes ballistic. After the events, she repents by joining TORAH, and realizes she's not alone. She starts a relationship with a fellow monster (Goria), and failing that, with Sin.

The trick with this is that Sodom and Gomorrah are bad women, but they aren't completely above emotion. I want to make this feel like a real relationship, not having lesbians for the sake of having lesbians (Gomorrah's actually pansexual, but that's neither here nor there). Oddly enough, the only way to write this is by making the relationship seem sympathetic, and ultimately damaged. Fitting for the comic, but at the same time, aren't all relationships damaged?