I'll admit, I'm just now getting into the whole Cthulhu craze (all right, since four years ago when I bought "Dark Corners of the Earth," so what). I am not going to claim to know everything about the mythos. But, I was under the misrepresentation that it would be hard to make a bad Cthulhu movie. Thanks to the movie Cthulhu, I now stand corrected.
WARNING: This review may be offensive to some people. I personally have nothing against homosexuals... but this movie does.
I should've known it was not going to be my type of movie when the DVD started off with a montage of men kissing men and women kissing women. For a while, I was wondering if I got the right movie... this was in the horror section, not gay and lesbian interests. I mean... what exactly is the gay demographic of Cthulhu fans? I'm sure there are a few, but enough to make a movie for... I doubt. It was the right DVD, and while I knew that the main character was gay, I didn't know that the movie was aimed to gay men. I mean... Cara "No, I'm not Diane Neal from SVU" Buono is in it... it has to attract straight guys too, right? Right?
We start the movie off with a title card that looks like a six year old wrote it in crayon. Then our hero, Russell, wakes up from his sleep next to a guy. His mother died in Rivermouth (instead of the Cthulhu city of INNSMOUTH), and he has to go back to settle the estate. On the ride back, two guys in a Jeep Cherokee rush up to his side, screaming "I knew you'd be back, no one can stay away! We'll get you! Welcome home!" I was at first thinking these guys were gay bashers... but they welcomed him home. He still looks terrified of them, but at least while they'd be beating the crap out of him, they'd be saying "Good to have you back! Did you hear that Herbert West guy killed his wife and then re-animated her?" (Buh dum ching.)... (H.P. Lovecraft's "Re-Animator" was Herbert West... Loveraft wrote the Cthulhu Mythos... no?)
Well, before the ass kicking and gossip, the Jeep crashes, and Russell holds the driver's head as he dies. As soon as both kids die, Russell goes to see his sister and father. Apparently his dad is Patrick Stewart's gay brother, as he can't stop rubbing Russell's chest, and flapping his wrists. It's at this point we hear Russ speak, and realize that he has a lisp... not a subtle one, a stereotypical gay guy lisp. It's also at this point where I realized that the story should be following his hot sister... but that's just me. "Rusth's" dad introduces him to the lawyer handling the estate, who can only be described as Ted Buckland with hair.(http://bestuff.com/images/images_of_stuff/210x600/ted-buckland-130006.jpg?1206763879) Buckland tells Russ that the estate is going to be auctioned, and Russ gets upset about it... for no reason because he all ready knew this. Russ tries to protest, but Teddy is distracted by something. I'm thinking an old lady walked by, or Bob Kelso paged him.
The next scene, Russ is in a bar with his hot sister, her geeky husband, and a friend of his that was just divorced, but also speaks in a lisp and has the infamous Innsmouth Limp Wrists that Lovecraft must have hinted about in so many of his stories. Upon this introduction, we're "treated" to a scene of the two guys as teenagers, masturbating (we see this from behind, thank God) to each other while saying "Christie Brinkley.... Heather Locklear..." Seeing as this has nothing to do with the plot, the scene shifts back to the bar, where they're talking about the guy's divorce. Oh, and hot sister and geek husband are now gone... somehow. I'm thinking, like most sane people, they left out of disgust of the flashback. We're then treated to a scene with Russ at home eating with his family and geek boy. His dad asks "How is the gay life treating you?" Apparently, we forgot Russ was gay, and the movie has to remind us every five minutes. Russ proclaims he's drunk, and mentions his dad is a cult leader that worships the Elder Gods. So... Russ knows this... but he doesn't get that this is, you know, BAD?! He runs off to an abandoned house where he sees hundreds of names written on the floor and walls. Upon seeing this, he runs to a window, sees a cult walking up to the house, and goes to bed... for some reason. He has a dream about the truck driving gay-bashers who give him shiny black rock. He wakes up with said rock in his hands... you'd think he'd remember to put his sex toys AWAY before he goes sleep.
Next scene, he's in the bar talking to a new character played by Tori Spelling, who is flirting with him. Either she doesn't know he's gay, or knows that she looks enough like a man that she may stand a chance with Russ. She sets a date to meet with him and her husband (poor guy) to talk about the rock. Afterwards, he starts talking to allegedly straight gay and a cranky old fisherman whose role could have been done by Lewis Black. Oh, and for you Lovecraft, he's supposed to be Zadok... you know... Zadok is a drunk now! And he knows what the rock is, but the bartender kicks him out for drinking. So much for you're business, guy!
As Russ is walking home, Zadok attacks him. Wait, wasn't Zadok just being nice to Russ? Oh, it turns out that Zadok wants to be even more drunk to tell Russ about Ry'Leh. He tells him, "Get me a BOTTLE. And a SIX PACK." I was waiting for him to say "Iran... Iran... Iran... IRAQ!" or "If it weren't for my horse..." Russ runs back to his car... wait, he established that he walked to the bar, but his car is at the bar? Huh? Anyway, he drives to a liquor store, buys the liquor, and the cashier gives him a note that says don't talk to Zadok. Russ does anyway, and all Zadok does is rant about how he had to perform for George W. Bush and his "Handlers." Oh, he mentions and island, but that's not important...
Russ drives back to the store and tells the girl to get in his car. His reasoning is sound as he tells her to "call your parents and they'll tell you that you're getting a ride from the most rampant homosexual in Rivermouth!" So, what? Lewis Black was right that gays dress in all black and have gay sex in front of houses to ruin American Families? And if this movie is targeted to gay audiences, why does it seem to make fun of them? I'm not gay (and I was seemingly tricked into watching this movie), and I'm offended by these stereotypes as of so far. And they only get worse, too.
She gets a ride with him, but they're stopped by a still of a laser light show going across his windshield. He stops, but she tells him it was just a deer. Must be radioactive, or one of those Deer Ravers that Rivermouth seems have problems with. She then screams at him to get back in the car, and they drive off. Once he gets her home, she runs away, runs back, gives him a picture of her brother, and blubbers incoherently. I love how the director took all the parts and plot point seriously. It's like we actually know what they hell is going on. NOT!
He meets Tori Spelling at Sea World and watches the polar bears with her for a while. The polar bear, although vicious, tries its beast to avoid the camera. Animal instinct also tells animals when they're in bad movies apparently. She lures him back to his house and he meets her husband played by a crippled Howdy Doody. She leads Russ up to her bed room and tries to seduce him. She explains that Howdy Doody had an accident that nearly severed his leg at the hip, and now he can't have kids because he was castrated. This is the only part of the scene that makes sense, save for Russ escaping. Howdy invites Russ to stay for lunch, an he does. Surprise! Howdy is in on it, too, as they drug his lunch, and Tori Spelling date rapes him. What possible effect could this have on the movie? Will Tori have the love child of a gay man?
As Russ tries to get home, he runs into Allegedly Straight Guy and he agrees to help Russ scope out the weird house again. As Russ runs inside, flapping his wrists limply, the sheriff scares off his friend. Russ, unknowing of this, goes inside and wakes up Ian McKellan. A chase begins as Russ runs away from the house, only to find that Allegedly Straight Guy has driven off. He runs to a house, Magneto following the whole time, until a boy lets him into the house. The boy ends up to be the brother of the liquor store cashier, but says he has to stay because they are waiting for Cthulhu. As the boy says this, we have an extreme close-up on his mouth for some reason. The boy leads Russ to a basement that gets darker and darker until it turns black.
With quick thinking, Russ uses the flash on his disposable camera to see his way around the maze. He takes 15 pictures, including several of monsters that look like demon fetuses. Now, given the fact that he took some pictures in the beginning of the movie, how did his one disposable camera have enough pictures to left to take a total of at least 30? Given, of coarse, that disposable camera's have 24 exposures. The count for this camera is closer to 35. Who made this camera, John Woo? And why in the hell did he stop to take pictures of the demon babies? If he was that scared, shouldn't he have just run away?
He finds a ladder and goes up into the street, flailing down to Allegedly Straight Guy's house. Russ yells at him, first for leaving him their alone, and second for not having jelly in his house. Because what's more important, monsters in a sewer or making a nice sandwich? He calls Allegedly Straight Guy a "bad host," and goes to steal some jelly. Next scene, ASG is taking a shower with the bathroom door OPEN, so Russ can watch. He must really trust Russ if he's straight. He gets out of the shower and we are treated a a flash of two bare male chests. Oh... oh no. Russ asks him why, if he was scared, why did he help Russ in the first place. ASG tells him that he wanted to go back to a time when he wasn't divorced and everything made sense. More chests... and... oh God... WHY!?
Okay, this is a problem with any movie. Most, say 90% of movies that do have them, do not need sex scenes, whether they're straight, gay, or lesbian. "Terminator" in a way did, and it did it somewhat tastefully. "Fight Club," on the other hand, did not, and it was not really that tasteful. I'd vouch for "Brokeback Mountain" if I ever saw it (sorry, no plans to, either, and not because of the characters being gay. I don't like sappy movies). This movie did not need to have, not one, but two sex scenes, one with two men, and the other with a man and a woman who looks like a drag queen. Thank God for the "Skip Scene" button.
As Russ and Allegedly Straight But Now Gay Again (lets call him ASGA) leave the house, they find the boy tied up to the railing above them. The cops question Russ about being gay... okay, then let him go to settle his mothers estate.
Russ finds out that Ted is no longer handling the estate, but some other firm is. This pisses Russ off to the point that he refuses to shake the auctioneer's hand, but opts to pick up a big, fat, orange cat and nuzzle it with his chin. You know... because all gay guys talk with lisps, run like flailing idiots, and are also rude cat lovers. Its also important to note that the scene was panned far away as to show their whole bodies, and no cat anywhere in sight. So the camera zooms in... and the cat magically appears? It's like Garfield quit work, and went on to find bit parts for horrible movies.
He watches the auction, nuzzling the cat with his chin (mouth agape) for the whole ten minute scene, until he loses a bid on the boat house. He drops the cat (who disappears into thin air), and goes after the guy. When he does, the police arrest him, dragging him away as he screams "I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! You're going to pay for this!" One can assume he's adlibbing and yelling at the director of this movie.
Inside the police station, a cop beats him up, saying "I always wondered what the insides of you people looked like!" This is the only scene where straight men are portrayed as evil, racist bastards. He tells the deputies to throw Russ in a cell, which causes Russ to have a nightmare. In the dream, he finds a TV that shows his mom explaining that if he has a child, his father will go to The Island. His father kills her and invites Russ to join them for the funeral. He then is back in his cell, awake, as he over hears a monster killing everyone in the prison. As he escapes, he finds the office of the cop who beat him and questioned him, panics, and attempts to leave. Before he does, though, he rips a page off the day calender... you know, like all normal people would do in a time of panic.
He finds ASGA who drives Russ to the Marsh Mansion (which came from nowhere). Russ is greeted by his dad, who kills two police men with a shotgun, and invites Russ in. The whole town if their to tell Russ that the Deep Ones are coming to claim the town, and that they'll all be safe if Russ makes a sacrifice. Russ attempts to run, but is transported to a beach. Sure, why not! Not like any of this movie makes sense. His dad confronts him, handing him a knife. He tells Russ, as Cara Buono drags ASGA towards them, that he must make a sacrifice... the sacrifice of the man he loves! Russ raises the knife, screams and... roll credits.
No, seriously. He screams and the movie ends. What the fuck? I mean... how in the name of Azathoth could you screw up Lovecraft this bad? I mean, some have said that Lovecraft is rolling his grave over this movie, while others say that the movie is so batshit insane that Lovecraft would be proud. I think Lovecraft would watch this movie, and use it as proof that people are indeed worthless. They screwed up his vision with a movie that had nothing to do with Cthulhu at all, save for Zadok, the Marsh family, and Ry'leh. Its also targeted to a gay audience (again, I had no clue until it was too late), but it makes fun of gay people and stereotypes them. This movie doens't even have Cthulhu in it, as if he read the script, and thought that it was too cruel to even make. When Cthulhu refuses to appear in a movie "based" on his mythos, you know something is wrong.
Avoid this movie at all costs. This is the Window Keeper signing off, in fear that I may be driven insane by even thinking of this movie.
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