A Quick Note

I was thinking of putting a disclaimer up, but I realized something: If I really need to put a disclaimer up because exactly one person tried to use my own review as proof of their argument that had no ground whatsoever, that's an insult to whatever repeat readers I have. Let's be honest, I more than likely don't have many readers. Herein lies the trick, though: I really don't care.

I write my movie and game reviews for two reasons. The first being I do get commissioned to write freelance reviews for an upstart independent magazine that I put on this blog as well, with the magazine editor's permission. These have extended to the Horrid Horror Movie Reviews as of late, as well. Yes, the pay sucks, but that leads to reason number two.

I love to write, whether it's a fictional story, or putting my opinion online. Some people may not agree with me, and that's perfectly acceptable. What isn't acceptable is when people make assumptions about me through this blog. When I do non-HHM Reviews, I do ask for input from other people about their translation of a movie. This isn't unusual for any movie reviewer, many prominent ones, such as Roger Ebert, having done so in the past. It is quite possible for me to find evidence later on that something I wrote may, in fact, be wrong after I publish the post. Luckily, I can edit it on this blog, but usually I may not get around to it due to the fact that I have school, work, a girlfriend, and a life.

What also isn't acceptable is trying to pick arguments for the sake of picking arguments. I have gotten in polite political discussions more civil than an argument I had with someone yesterday because she was convinced that she was right about something because she read it somewhere. I have a friend who is in that particular field, who corrected what was initially said in the blog, after showing me evidence that it was not completely correct. I then went to research it myself, including several reputed journals and guides, and corrected my entry. The kicker is that her opinion was not only based off of something that holds no water in the real world (about as much as saying Cindy Crawford has skin cancer because of her mole), but also because "she's right, I'm wrong (added to the fact that -- OH NO! -- I made a typo... which fucking happens)" just for the sake of believing that she was right. Who am I going to trust: the professional talking to me as well as the research laid out in front of me (added to the fact that I have been studying the same field since the middle of high school to recently), or someone who read an argument that most professionals don't read into?

I'm sorry for the irate nature of this post today. I do try to keep it light around here on purpose (if not for my few readers sanity, then for mine), and I hate having to put stuff like this up. If you're opinion is educated and different than mine on any topic, feel free to comment and discuss it. As long as you're civil (on my other blog, I even had a guy joke around, which is perfectly acceptable), I will calmly reply. I love discussing different opinions that are intelligently thought out. But, if you try to use my own posts as a condescending attack against me, you are not going to like the results.

Again, I apologize to the few regular readers I have on here. I know that I do have some, and I appreciate it. Whether you laugh at the HHMR's, or just enjoy reading my reviews, know that, while I do this for the fun of it, the fact that there may be people who enjoy reading what I write means a hell of a lot. Thank you!

Ben

Pliet Filet!: The Black Swan Review

I, being a heterosexual man, never really took an interest in ballet. Strangely enough, I also never got in to the whole, "Durrr, lesbians are hot," thing, either. So, when I heard about Black Swan being about ballet, I was disinterested. When I saw a bunch of oversexed dimwits making a big hooplah over the scene where Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman make out, I was actually pushed further away. After seeing Luke Mochrie's review of it, and talking with my girlfriend about what movie to see this week, we decided to go see Black Swan.

First off, let me put this out there: Yes, there is a lesbian sex scene in this movie with Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. If that's your prime reason for seeing this movie, prepare to be disappointed. It's not sexy. What's weird is that I mean this in a good way. If it was meant to be sexy, the movie would not have been as effective of a Thriller as it is.

The overarching story is about Nina, played by Natalie Portman, a ballerina who wants to play the lead part in Swan Lake. Her director, played Vincent Cassel, sees that she can play the White Swan, but wants her as the Black Swan as well. After some "convincing" (and it's not what you think), he casts her as both roles. Adding to Nina's pressure is her overbearing mother, the sexual advances and advice of director, and her rival, Lily, played by Mila Kunis, who at times is a sneaky threat, and at other times seen by Nina as her dark version.

Every thing in this movie is done purposefully, and very well. As a thriller, it's important for the audience to relate to the main character. I would normally find it hard to relate to a character who was a ballerina, but to me, that felt like a side note to what the story actually is. Nina is a perfectionist who is growing more and more paranoid that her rival wants her role, as well as not being good enough for it. Added to the pressure of wanting to keep her role in the ballet, Nina starts driving herself crazy, becoming obsessed with it. The deeper into the obsession she goes, the more chaotic things become for her.

What most directors would do is shove this in the viewers' faces. Darren Aronofsky doesn't, showing us Nina's gradual collapse of sanity at first very subtly, and ending with a visceral scene. Every scene is designed to seem surreal. Every character is made to be just over the line of sanity, at first to show the pressure on Nina by the outside world, and then to show how much Nina changed from innocent to her own dark reflection. Every line of dialogue is written to keep the viewer on edge. All of this mixed together means that the movie never has a dull moment. In today's films, where the middle of the movie usually seems flat (I'm looking at you, Faster), this is a refreshing change of pace. That is the only thing refreshing in this movie, because it's dark tone is constantly looming. No matter how subtle a it is, something off kilter is always happening, whether it's Nina's painted portraits changing expression in the beginning of the movie, or passing by herself in the ballet, her "duplicates" laughing at her.

Part of what makes her so paranoid is the fact that the Black Swan is portrayed as the White Swan's evil twin, which, in the beginning, Nina cannot understand how to play. She's shy, seemingly innocent, but quite possibly has some issues. Her scratching points to Borderline Personality Disorder, her hallucinations point to psychotic disorders (not schizophrenia, as I initially heard before, because they're visual hallucinations, not audio), the pressure she puts on herself points to depression, her alternate personality (if it even is that) points to dissociative fugue. I short, if she wasn't even a little bit crazy before (which is hinted at), the events in this movie don't help.

I have to point out that the choreography for this movie is amazing. It opens with a bit of ballet between Nina and the Evil Black Swan. While she seems to be graceful, the choreography is done to make it look like she's not in control. This only adds to the disturbing feeling of what's to come later on. Also, the way the choreography and the special effects meld in one of the last scenes of the movie is purely amazing, beautiful, and disturbing all at once. I do have to point out one bad thing, though. The camera work in the beginning of the movie is extremely shaky. This hinders a few subtly creepy images in the beginning of the movie that foreshadow events later on. But, it's not enough to break the movie, either.

Black Swan is truly a rare bird (pun intended) in today's world: a thriller movie that is genuinely frightening for the right reasons. It's intense, the writing is disturbing, and even though you go into it with doubts, the movie surprises you in the end with just how good the entire product is. To top it off, almost anyone can relate to the pressures Nina feels, not that everyone is a ballerina, but a lot of people have been put in the situation where they got something they really wanted, but at the price of fear of losing it to a rival. Black Swan is an unnerving work of art, well worth the price of admission.

I give it 6 out 6 music boxes.

... Also, I do have to point out that the line, "You had a weird lesbo wet dream about me!" is on of the most awesome lines ever written in a movie.

Horrid Horror Movie Review Update

I have a bit of bad news for the fans of the HHMR. I was planning on reviewing Scarecrow Gone Wild this week, but I have to put that on hold. The reason being this: you have to see how bad this movie is. Words cannot describe it, from the mumbling, to the "jokes," to the dialogue that's put together from random sentences , to even guest appearances from the Nostalgia Chick's skinny twin and the boom mike (and I'm not convinced that they're different people).

I do plan on getting a web cam so I can start filming my reviews, school schedule allowing. That being said, this one's on the top of the list to get reviewed when I do get the camera.

Unless I find another terrible movie, next week, I plan on starting Zombie Month with Zombie Strippers. Stay tuned!

Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Ho-Ho-Horrible Holidays Part 3: Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys

Let's talk about a good horror movie for a second. I 1989, Charles Band and his small movie company, Full Moon Entertainment made a low budget classic named Puppet Master. The movie was about puppets that were brought to life by their creator, Andre Toulon, who killed himself after hiding the puppets to keep the secret out of the hands of the Nazis in WWII. As the series progressed, the puppets went from being evil, killing seemingly innocent people, to good, defending innocent people from harm.

In 1992, after the sequel hit, Charles Band decided to cash in on the gimmick, and make the incredibly dull Demonic Toys. The characters were unmemorable, and the monsters bordered on obnoxious. Needless to say, Puppet Master spawned seven more sequels, and Demonic Toys had one.

Unless you count the crossover made for the Sci-Fi channel. Oh, yes... I'm scraping into that barrel now. Normally, I'd avoid it, seeing as picking on the Sci-Fi channel is like picking on an illiterate deaf-mute paraplegic with a terminal illness, but this movie warrants it. After all, these are the same people who brought us "Lexx," a show about alien sex, and the name change to "SyFy," thus making it even more futile to teach our children English because we're going to fuck it up anyway. Also, Santa, being the fat failure (WARNING: Very Not Work Safe) he is brought this stocking stuffer of shit instead of something good. Without further ado, let's tear into Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys.

We enter the Toulon Doll Hospital where Corey Feldman--

Hold on, my brain just came to a screeching halt. Picture this: Corey Feldman wearing a painted white wig and granny glasses. Keep in mind that he's 33 at the time of production, and the SyFy channel doesn't have the budget to make him look older than by a painted wig. Now, imagine that his daughter, who is supposed to be 15, looks the same age as he does. Done laughing yet? They're our heroes!

He asks his daughter, Alex, if she's done making the "bitch," then says he meant "batch" but was thinking of her mother. Turns out that Feldman and Alex are the remaining Toulons, and they were working on a mixture to bring the puppets to life. By mixture, I mean blood and vodka. I'm dead serious. What's more is that it somehow works. Much to Feldman's chagrin, the evil Erica Sharpe is at Sharpe Toys Headquarters, watching them via Ladybug Cam. It's important to note that we only know where the bad guys are because they show us two different signs in the same shot.

As Feldman introduces the puppets to Alex, Sharpe and her lacky tell their teenaged secretary that the board of directors want to meet her since she's a virgin. Not thinking this is in the least bit bizarre, she follows. I'm not buying this whole virgin thing due to her being dressed like a sexy school girl. Whose her boss, Larry Flynt? Anyway, Sharpe invites her to "play with her toys." This would be kind of hot if it weren't for two things: 1: Erica Sharpe's lips seem to be a constantly growing parasite that's feeding off of the rest of her face. 2: Riff Raff leering at them from not even two inches away.

Oh, she actually meant "toys." Ends up that Baby Oopsie-Daisy, Jack Attack, and Grizzly Teddy attack her until Sharpe puts her in an iron maiden to sacrifice her to Ba'al. Oh, I'm sorry, the Sci-Fi channel didn't have the budget to use a real demon. Bael, who ends up being a guy in a Halloween mask (what is this-- I don't even...) explains that Erica's father sold his soul to bring her toys that were evil. Sharpe wants the puppets now, and promises Bael Alex Toulon if she can keep Feldman for herself, as well as the puppets. Bael agrees, and she sends Riff Raff and two guys to rob the Toulon's.

The burglars break in while Feldman and his "daughter" are asleep. The toys fight the burglars, causing such a noise that Feldman comes down, and gets knocked out. Six Shooter accidentally starts a fire, which causes the burglars to rush off. Alex puts the fire out, awakens her "dad," and finds the puppets knocked out. A police woman, pointing her gun at them, comes down, and Feldman explains that it was just an accident. He gets her number, and she drives off.

The next day, Feldman finds the Ladybug cam. Alex traces the serial number to Sharpe, and Feldman calls the police woman. She tells him she's on her way to Sharpe's, which makes him think that they're working together. He takes the puppets and Alex to her grandmother's house, and leaves Alex to make more of the formula so he can investigate.

He sneaks into Sharpe's building, and by "sneaks," I mean, casually walks in the backdoor. After being spotted by Riff Raff and Baby Oopsie, a chase scene ensues. Feldman, running like his arms are tied to his torso, somehow manages to outrun the baby doll who has the power of fart-flying. Luckily, he finds the police woman. Unluckily, he's accusing Sharpe in front of her charity, which forces the police woman to threaten him with mace... twice. She escorts him out, but lets him go if he promises to go home.

Alex figures out that Sharpe is evil because her logo matches that of a metal band who claims to worship Satan. Upon that revelation, Feldman decides to use her blood for the mixture, asking her if she's a virgin... and eyeballing her like he wants to fix that. Way to stay in character.

Later that night, while Feldman and Alex repair the puppets, police woman breaks into the Doll Hospital, only to be attacked by the toys. She then finds the house Feldman is squatting in. How did she find it that fast? "Detective work." Oh! Well that explains everything... except the fact that no one knew where they went. After meeting the newly enhanced cyber puppets, police woman decides to stop Sharpe from awakening the toys on Christmas day by breaking into her office and killing her with the puppets. This goes bad as she's knocked out by Baby Oopsie, and the puppets and Alex are taken by Sharpe's goons.

Feldman gets attacked by Oopsie, and wakes up in Sharpe's office. Sharpe tries to seduce him, but the puppets are making too much noise. She leaves to sacrifice another secretary (aren't they losing money by this? For that matter, how come the police hasn't asked about the missing secretaries yet?) so that Bael can fondle Alex. The puppets attack Feldman's guards when Riff Raff gives him the elevator key. Jack Attack then screams so loud that Riff Raff's eyes explode. The toys cut Jack Attack in half and tie him to the metal box.

Police woman, always eager to shoot something, almost kills Feldman in the elevator. She then joins him as they go to the basement. Here, we finally get what we're waiting for. Jack Attack attacks Jester, who bashes him in the face with his new mace. Blade filets Grizzly Teddy. Six Shooter misses every shot at a guard, while police woman hits him. Pinhead throws Oopsie into a pit. And Feldman, who has a gun, opts to tackle a guard instead of shooting him, until Pinhead lightly knocks on the guard's head, before getting shot by the dying guard. By the time this is done, Bael notices that Christmas has come, and takes Sharpe's soul. After an awkward scene of the police woman asking Feldman and Alex over for dinner, we see Baby Oopsie come out of the pit from Hell to say, "Merry Christmas my ass, and Crappy New Year!"

This movie sucks like a nuclear powered Hoover. The acting is horrendous, the casting is questionable, and the plot could have been executed in an hour instead of 88 minutes. This means we have 28 minutes of nothing going on, except for awkward innuendos from a woman with a permanent duck face and a washed up child star to his "daughter." It's a disgrace to the legacy of Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, which is funny considering that one doesn't have a legacy to begin with!

Well, that rounds up the Holiday Horror theme. Next week, I'm going to have a movie that has got to be crappy. Thankfully, it'll be somewhere warm, too...

In all seriousness, have a happy holidays, a Merry Christmas, and a safe and Happy New Year! This is the Window Keeper, signing off to hide under the tree with some milk and cookies. This will be a challenge figuring my tree is only a foot tall... huh.

Dissection Imminent: First Look at "Dead Space 2"

Well, out of curiosity, I played the demo for Dead Space 2. I liked the first, was underwhelmed by the rail shooter, and the movies are terrible. So, I went into this one with trepidation, but still tried to keep my mind open. Here's a list of good and bad things I noticed.

Good:

- Monster design is more organic. Instead of being mutants with pustules or random limbs growing out of their bodies, they have the feel of mutilated human bodies. I also noticed that detail such as different rates of decomposition were easily seen.

- Wounds on the monsters appear when you don't dismember one. Likewise, blood splatters on you when you step on one, too.

- New weapons do feel balanced, taking you out of the "tools," and steadily introducing "actual" weapons to the game.

- For the most part, same gameplay that made the first game fun.

Bad:

- Who in the right mind makes a mini-game use a 1"X 1.5" view, off centered from the screen and character? Especially when most of the screen is available to use.

- The first half of the demo is walking through the same room no less than five times. It's not suspenseful when you go through the same exact area, and nothing happens. This could be attributed to the fact that the demo takes place in the middle of the game.

- Speaking of that, the demo has no tutorial, unless you want to sit down and read every backlog you have "collected." This is bad form for a demo seeing as, well, it's a demonstration of a new game. It also hurts players of the first game because they changed the entire control scheme without any notice other than the backlogs.

- It's not scary. A lot of the jump scares are predictable. And the rooms, for some reason are mostly well lit.

- Controls... Isaac moves incredibly slow, for some reason. The new Zero-G mechanics are a pain to control, and feel clunky.

- Why did they give Isaac a voice? The purpose of him being a silent protagonist was so the player can put themselves in his shoes. When you here his voice, it takes all of that away. He didn't say a word in the first game, why does he speak now?

All in all, I'm hoping that this is just demo jitters, but I'm not really impressed. While I'm not ready to write it off as a failure, it feels unfinished, unpolished, and a big step back instead of forward. Again, though, this is a demo, and the final product may be a lot better than this. Figuring the final product is coming out next month, I hope it does. The improvements that are made are noticeable, but some of the glaring flaws and design choices push those back, too. Also, it's impossible to tell what is going on when the demo puts you in the midst of everything, yet, puts plot points in it anyway. Show off the gameplay without spoiling the story. In fact, in a game like this, don't make the demo segments from the game. Show off the game, but make the demo different to keep the player on their toes.

Give it a try if you really want to play Dead Space 2, early. But, I think you'll appreciate the final product more if you try the full game out.

So, What was Sir Patrick Stewart Even Doing? The "Castlevania: Lords of Shadow" review

I am fully aware that this review should've been done a long time ago. Normally, I'd have no one but myself to blame, but that isn't just the case. I blame the game as well. It wasn't that it was a bad game, it was that I wanted to relish the story, take in the sights of the world around me... And question why Pan was in a game that was supposed to be a "religious" story. But, I digress. I finally beat Lords of Shadow, and this is what I have to say: It's frustrating, hard, annoying... but worth playing for the story and graphics alone.

You play a Gabriel Belmont, a knight for The Order, who seeks to defeat the titular characters so that he can rebuild the God Mask and bring his dead wife back to life. Along the quest, he meets Zobek, and older knight voice by Sir Patrick Stewart, and fights many familiar monsters such as werewolves, vampires, and grim reapers. Where the story takes a turn is the fact that you don't fight Dracula, opting more for a religious epic instead of a fantasy epic. This is truly bizarre when through half of the game, you're aided by a Satyr... for reasons I don't want to spoil. Despite not being able to make up its mind in the beginning, the story does invoke a grand scale that warrants appreciation.

In speaking of grand scale, the graphics are beautiful, especially the many vistas that are shown off in the game's twelve chapters. When not admiring the view of a beautiful landscape while platforming, you're either fighting detailed monsters, or climbing a massive titan. The titan battles seem to be taken right out of Shadow of the Colossus, but, to me, feel more natural in this game. To round out the presentation, the voice acting is very well done on most parts, but I really wish Gabriel wasn't as pathetic sounding as he was in the game. Granted, he's been through a lot, but he goes through most of the game sounding like he's feeling sorry for himself.

The game is naturally difficult. Enemies will swarm you, only retreating upon defeat or during quick time kills. Bosses are relentless and fierce, and platforming, despite being made simpler by paths that light up, is pretty tricky at points. Unfortunately, the game does have a major flaw that I only noticed during the last half of the game. The controls are extremely unresponsive, and not friendly towards some of the precise moves you have to make. Several times, I tried to walk so I could jump, and my character wouldn't move an inch. I waited a bit and tried to go again, and he sprints off of the ledge. This is also a major problem where you need precise movements during the last boss. While this does add to the annoyance and frustration, it's not so bad that it's game breaking.

As much as I liked the game, I can't say that it was necessarily the right game for me. It's beautiful, epic, and fun to play, but I can't say that it drew me in, personally, as much as Dante's Inferno or even Splatterhouse (part of that last one is nostalgia, though). But, unlike games like Halo, I can understand why people would love this game as much as they do. It would have been a discredit to myself if I hadn't played this game through. Despite some issues, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow is worth at least one playthrough.

Overall: A-

+ Beautiful design and graphics

+ Epic story

+ Great voice work and soundtrack

+ Challenging

- Unresponsive controls at points

- Precise jumps + bad controls = wrong kind of challenge

News and Stuff

Figured I'd take some time to seriously talk about some news and updates. First off, I've been a little bit busy lately with school, but not in the sense you may think.

The school VA sent my hours to the VA point that handles my GI Bill. I hadn't received my benefits from them, and had no word when I would. After calling, I was told that it was being processed, but I wouldn't get paid until January. This meant that I had exactly enough money to pay my bills this month... and nothing else. Thankfully, I was also expecting a student refund, a big one, at that, too. Honestly, I had no one but myself to blame, mainly because I spent a lot of money on food. Those games I reviewed? I paid for those with store credit from trade-ins (save for Black Ops). The other big money sucker were supplies for my photo class and color class.

But, the panic has subsided. My GI Bill not only got worked out, but I got paid for the rest of November. I'm still waiting on my refund, and another bonus, too. Adding to my stress was the fact that one of the Netflix movies I rented went missing after I sent it out. That seems to be taken care of as well. Thank God, too (seriously).

Well, today, Lizzy and I were hanging out at my place, playing some Rock Band 3. Last week, one of my friends bought my the Billy Joel pack, and we've been taking turns playing keyboards and singing ""Piano Man." Well, today, while playing, I see I got a message on Facebook. See, two weeks ago, I entered a contest where people say what they liked about Splatterhouse. I hadn't heard anything, so I figured, I didn't win (I had submitted the last paragraph of my review, and they did this a week after I wrote it).

Well, the message was about the contest. I was one of ten people to win it. "A big congratulations to Matt, Ben, Rob, Justin, Robert, Mark, Mike, Marcel, Ricardo, and Dustin, winners in our Share the Love giveaway! They're all getting a Splatterhouse t-shirt, a set of mini-speakers, a poster from Comic-Con and a GameStop Terror Mask! Well done, folks." Needless to say, despite having a mask, already, I am happy.

Lastly, I want to wish the readers a Happy Holidays!