Horrid Horror Movie Review: The Return of HHMR

It's been a while since I did one of these, so as a joke, I suggested to some friends that I do this one as a return edition of the HHMR. My full intention was actually going to be Terror Toons 2, the sequel to the movie that singlehandedly broke my brain. Instead, I did this... a movie that is glorified and reviled at the same time. This movie is considered both a cult classic and a disgusting joke. I've heard that it makes Dead-Alive look like a Disney movie. I find that hard to believe, what with the lawn mower and the "rebirth" scene. Surely, this couldn't be better than Dead-Alive's most iconic line, either. So, ladies and gents, put on your shit-eating grins as I rip this movie a new asshole! What movie is it?

Why it's one so reviling and disturbing that only those who have stomachs of pure lead and the personality of pure awesome should watch it. You know the type: Chuck Norris, Isaiah Mustafah, Bruce Campbell, umm... this guy (here's a dare, read the rest of this review with this song playing). Or so I was told before I rented this piece of shit from Netflix. So, what vile, stinking mass of left over waste that the Angry Video Game Nerd left on Bugs Bunny, that isn't fit for consumption for the hungriest of sewer rats could this movie be? What terrible mass of digested food down the toilet pipe of Hollywood is it?

The Human Centipede. Oh, sweet merciful crap... I now feel bad for all of those fecal puns. Anyway, on with the review...

We begin the movie with a trucker taking a shit in the middle of a field. You know the movie's going to be good, now, don't you? Dr. Heiter, our mad scientist, takes time away from looking at a Photoshopped picture of three dogs "attached" to each other, mouth-to-ass, to step out of his car with a rifle "hidden" under is labcoat (by hidden, I mean "barrel sticking out from his shoulder"), and shoots the trucker. We then meet Jenny and Lindsay, who have, I'm thinking, half of a brain cell between the two of them. They get lost on the way to a club called "Bunker," even after asking for directions. Wouldn't you know it, the two get a flat tire, and right after that, a strange, old, German guy starts asking them if they're always horny, because he saw them on a "Horny Video." Jenny realizes that he said "fuck" in German, and they roll up their windows as he waggles his tongue at them, and drives off. This is supposed to be scary, but it's about as horrifying as this image, and as about as much to do with this movie, too.

After Hans the Horndog drives off, the two decide to walk for help, finding a house in the woods. Dr. Heiter lets them in, and of course, drugs them. They wake up to find themselves strapped to hospital beds, and Heiter killing the trucker because he isn't a match for the girls. Heiter then goes and grabs a Japanese tourist, and explains the procedure of what he's going to do.

1: Cut the tendons of the knees, so they can't extend their knees. Um... why? How, exactly, do you expect them to be able to move without feeling pain?

2: Pulling the teeth out of the two girl's mouths.

3: Cutting the lips and a circle around the anus, as well as part of the skin on the jaw to sew onto the ass of the person in front of them, creating a chin rest.

4: Sewing the people onto each other.

As he preps them for surgery, Lindsay tries to escape by hiding in Heiter's bedroom. This doesn't work as Heiter bashes the window open with the barrel of his rifle. Not the, broad, wooden butt of the rifle, but the narrow barrel that repeatedly bounces off of the glass. He does break the window, but Lindsay runs off into his swimming pool, managing to fall in it. Heiter decides to trap her by closing the pool cover, but the power goes out... for some reason. I honestly think that it was an outtake, and they decided to roll with it. Lindsay goes back to the lab, grabs Jenny, and tries to escape through the broken window, while dragging Jenny up stairs and through broken glass. Jenny isn't the cow from Me, Myself, and Irene. I doubt she survived, especially after Heiter shoots Lindsay, causing her to drop Jenny.

Heiter works on the centipede and sees it's a success as he starts taking pictures of them as the parts wake up. Dear Lord, is it comical. Imagine, if you will, a picture of a guy with his face pressed up to a fat person's belly. That's exactly what this looks like. When they try to move in unison, that's when you can tell that they aren't connected, and that's why there are bandages around their heads. You know, to keep one segment from wandering off the set out of the stupidity of this script.

As the days go on, Heiter tries to teach his new pet tricks like getting the newspaper. When the centipede fails, he stands over them, and walks while straddling them, but not sitting on them. The Japanese guy, one night, decides to "bite" Heiter's ankle, leaving a circular hole like stabbing someone with a pencil, not a bite mark. Heiter kicks him, and the next day has boots so he can't be bitten. He tells the Japanese man to bite him now, then tries to imitate a chicken. I'm getting sick of the Tommy Wiseau jokes that the "That Guy With The Glasses" crowd is doing, but it can't be avoided here. Heiter's chicken impression is actually worse than this: Tommy Wiseau imitating a chicken.

During this, The Japanese guy realizes that he has to drop a deuce... into Lindsay's mouth. This is where I call, no pun intended, bullshit. This movie is "100% Medically Accurate." By that, they mean an actual surgeon designed how the centipede will work. Apparently, they forgot all about Sepsis, Hepatitis B, dysentery, and about every other disease you can get through eating shit. On top of that, how are the people behind the first segment even getting nutrients? They have bandages on their arms hinting at an IV, but they're never shown attached to one beyond when they woke up. Realistically, they probably wouldn't be able to move due to the pain of walking one knee caps that aren't held into place (which I know about due to having a bad knee with loose tendons) as well as malnutrition. Taken into consideration that this is the first time Lindsay has eaten while attached to the guy, she probably isn't in any condition to walk, period.

Obviously, though, Heiter, is enjoying watching Lindsay eat shit. Hmmm... he must be a politician. Anyway, as the days go by, Heiter decides to swim naked while the centipede walks around. Heiter says he's please, then starts whipping them mercilessly... for some reason. He does a check up and finds that Jenny is suffering blood poisoning, and Lindsay is constipated. He decides that Jenny should be killed, but two prying police officers distract him. As he tries to drug the two meddling cops, the centipede plans it's escape. Japanese guy grabs a scalpel and crawls off with the women in tow. Heiter, after being caught trying to drug the two cops, gets warned that they are getting a warrant. It is at this point that I realize just how dull this movie is. The gross parts are only implied, and badly. So badly, in fact, that the actress how's supposed to have been eating dookie doesn't even respond to "it."

Anyway, Japanese Man (seriously, they never name him) stabs Heiter in the knee and bites his neck. As the centipede attempt to climb the stair case, they see how hard it is as they start to rip apart. Wait a sec... If the centipede can't walk up the staircase with out starting to split, how did Heiter, who is about as thin as Paris Hilton, get them down there. For that matter, how did they get up and down the stairs after they were attached? Is there a ramp we don't know about?

Lindsay guides the head to where she tried to escape, only to find the window is now fixed. Seriously, they've been attached for a week. She didn't think that Heiter would fix his bedroom window? Heiter crawls up after them, and a kneel-off ensues between the head and Heiter. The Japanese Guy grabs a piece of broken glass, explains that he's a douche bag who left his family and his child, and kills himself. The police comeback, and Heiter goes to the pool to deal with them. He stabs one of them in the neck with his scalpel (despite not being able to stand) and takes his gun. The second police officer gets shot, but shoots Heiter in the head, killing them both. Lindsay holds Jenny's hand until Jenny dies from her blood poisoning. Alone and attached to two dead people, Lindsay cries. The End.

I knew going in that this movie was going to be stupid as hell... but here's the trick: I was expecting something that was disgusting. The movie censors itself through its poor execution and bad acting. I did some research on this movie both before and after and found two things of particular interest: 1: There's actually a sequel coming out. 2: There's a porn version, "The Human Sexipede" that was rated better than this movie from critics outside of the porn industry. When a porn parody is better than your movie according to the mainstream media, you failed.

For now, this is the Window Keeper signing off to clean up that mess my new pet... snake made in my labor... kitchen.

Ich Bin Ein Scwartz Operationen: The Call of Duty: Black Ops Review

I'm the last person in the world to jump on the Modern Warfare band wagon. Hell, Call of Duty: World At War was the only game in the series that I enjoyed. What was I to expect with this game, another Medal of Honor themed game in modern times? Or would it be another Modern Warfare game with a fictional plot? The first pleasant surprise I got was this: it takes place in the Vietnam War era, and is an MoH type theme of special operations.

Unfortunately, that's where the story strays. You play mainly as Alex Mason (not Alec Mason from Red Faction: Guerrilla), who flashes back to various missions while being interrogated about numbers whilst in a torture chair. The premise is fairly interesting, if not a little Saw-like, except that it's actually not a terrible game. The problem here is that the story takes what is supposed to be a left turn, but to anyone vigilant, it's blatantly obvious. I do have to give Treyarch credit for making the story different from the usual "shoot everyone you see" war story that we usually see, and for making the premise pretty unique. Unfortunately, sometimes, it just doesn't stick like it should. Other times, it does some pretty stupid things to characters, for very stupid reasons. This mainly applies to the WaW characters. I'm going to be bitter about that for a little while.

As polished as the graphics are in the game, I do have some errors to point out that take you out of the realism. I encountered a bug where my partner kills me instantly, one where a bad guy was stuck inside of a rock until I killed him, and, my personal favorite, going through a level, killing everyone, and then playing through the same part, except the dead bodies are standing and doing nothing. These can be fixed through patches, and mostly aren't big issues, but that last one... phew. How do you not notice that in play testing?

Other than that, the game does look and play very good. It took me a while to get used to the controls, namely because I like using the trigger buttons to shoot, but I can't say that they never worked right. They are very intuitive, even in the quick time events. Actually, in the QTE's they're a little too intuitive. I don't think I failed a QTE even if I waited to press a button. I could really give hell about this, but those instances are so few and far between that it really makes no difference. The difficulty is hard enough as it is without QTE's being needlessly irritating.

What will make the difference in the game being worth your well earned money is whether or not you like multiplayer and Nazi Zombies. I'm not a big multiplayer person, but the only gripe I have is the hodge podge, mix and match matchmaking. Yet, the addition of two player split screen is welcome, especially in the revamped Zombies game. The computer randomizes between four characters, each set exclusive to a map. One of which has you playing as Secretary McNamara, Fidel Castro, JFK, or Richard Nixon. They could have boxed this as Left 4 Dead 3, and I would've bought it quicker than Rock Band 4.

I can't say I hated Black Ops, but I also can't say I loved it. It's pretty much a standard war shooter, with some innovative concepts, both mission and story wise, but isn't fully explored to its full capabilities. I can say this, though: Unlike most shooters (Halo), the developers did put enough thought into the single player campaign to make it worth a playthrough, and put a twist on a classic diversion. What it really comes down to is this: If you like CoD, buy it. If you don't like CoD, rent it. Either way, give the game a chance.

Overall: C

+ Intriguing story

- Though a little hodge podge

+ Varied and Innovative Missions

+ Great graphics and sound

- Some glitches, big and small

-/+ Moments of cheesiness

+ Nixon and Kennedy hate Zombies

Top Ten From Hell: Top Ten Games that are so Bad, They're Good

After reviewing a swath of bad games, it made me wonder: What games are so bad that they surpass being garbage? Well, loyal reader, here's my list:

10: Afro Samurai: I hate this game for every reason one should hate a game. The controls are mostly terrible, the camera is your biggest enemy, and it moves nauseatingly fast. Yet, I love this game for the sheer fact that, despite all of its flaws (don't count if you want to have a life), the game is one of the best hack and slash games available, just by sheer beauty of its graphics, and some of the most epic fights ever in a game. Can you imagine how much more epic God of War III would be if Kratos was fighting a robot clone while free falling? Hey, with Pandora being an android, is that so insane?

9: Damage Incorporated: A first person shooter where you play as a team of marines fighting a murderous cult? What could go wrong? Well, for starters, it uses the Marathon Engine in a time where Build was used widely (hell, even Witchaven used Build, and that game sold as well as feces in a French restaurant). You also controlled like a brick being thrown by a baby. Yet, the goofy graphics and premise (Marines vs. Not-Heaven's-Gate-Humping-Freemasons), make this game at least worth a playthrough.

8: I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream: The interface was horrible, the controls were barely passable for a graphic adventure, and it was panned by critics everywhere for just about everything between graphics and sound, to fun value. The one thing that makes IHNM worth playing is that it has one of the most awesome and frightening stories in video game history. You play as the four last humans on Earth as an evil computer tortures you (and in one instance, has another character repeatedly rape another for his "amusement"), all to see if humanity is worth keeping around. Oh, and the computer is voiced by the writer of the original story, Harlan Ellison. The guy's a prick, which is why I AM is the perfect character for him.

7: Soldier of Fortune: Payback: Bad graphics, terrible AI, short play value (2.5 to 3 hours top), a cliche story that has no ending, and voice work that makes the "AWESOME" series of videos look like an award winning movie. Yet, it has one redeeming value: it is just too bad to be taken seriously. The game is, no joke, so bad that it's funny as hell. The laugh value is worth the $10 for it alone. Though, you can't shoot people in the groin and launch their legs off, like in the first one.

6: Low G Man: The Low Gravity Man: Back in the days on the Nintendo, we only had two buttons, and most games used them as "Jump" and "Attack." Taxan decided to use this to its advantage, by making a game where the main character's special power was to jump really, really high. Yeah... Today, the concept is pretty lame, and the game was difficult. In fact, one part in the end of the game is impossible-- wait! No, its not, it's one of the first games that makes you think to solve a level. Too bad the game has the dumbest idea for a plot ever.

5: Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude: I am not defending this game in any way. It was terrible. But, its good in the sense that it wasn't Box Office Bust. Oh, and the loading screens used real women.

4: Cho Aniki: When the people created a game say that it's genre is "Shitty Game," you know its going to either be really bad, or so bad, it's good. When the game involves "erotic" images of body builders, and is a shoot 'em up like R-Type, you have to be secure in your sexuality, and keep your tongue firmly in your cheek. Sure, it's not exactly what we play in America, but, how can you not laugh at a game where a boss attacks you with a metal erection and a man coming out of his junk. Yeah... awkward...

3: Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of The Earth: This is one game where bad controls actually make the game work. You always move slow, which usually hinders gameplay. In DCotE, it adds to the panic that you are all ready feeling. It adds to the claustrophobia of the city of Innsmouth as well. Thank Shub-Niggurath there isn't a subplot about homosexuality, nor a "Magic Orange Cat." Damn you, Cthulhu!

2: Witchaven 2: The first person beat 'em up games aren't exactly popular, but that doesn't mean they're bad. Witchaven 2 is one of those games. The graphics sucked, and the controls lagged terribly. You had to walk up to a guy while attacking in order to hit him, much like Saw: The Video Game. This one has the edge over the first game because there isn't a bug where the last boss kills herself, making the game unbeatable. But, hey, we still have primitive, claymation goblins to kill!

1: Deadly Premonition: Slow controls that lag, sub par graphics, a bizarre story that makes no sense to the player, bad voice acting, and the game is a blatant rip-off of Twin Peaks, so much so that the name of the game and two of the characters had to be changed to separate itself from the show. And yet, the game is amazingly fun to play. The head scratching moments keep you on your toes, and playing the game, making you wonder not what's going to happen next, but why people don't think anything going on is weird. The game seemingly accidentally draws you into its story. It's also finished in such a way that you can't help but feel for its characters. No other game that I've played made me this happy to even have tried it on a whim. Let's Plays of it are highly encouraged, too.

The Name's Bland, James Bland: The 007: Blood Stone Review

Questions that were raised during this game: 1: Why does Daniel Craig sound like he's doing an Austin Powers impression? 2: Why does Joss Stone constantly look at me like she's frightened and M look at me like she wants me to take my pants off (for the record... EEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!)? 3: If these are the same guys who made Project Gotham Racing, the only racing game I like, why are the driving parts as slippery as driving on ice, except when you're actually on ice? 4: Did the bad guy I was fighting seriously accidentally shoot himself in the arm?

I've never been a big fan of any James Bond movies, but I can appreciate them as the cinema sub-culture that they are. The only times I played the original Goldeneye was when my older brother was kicking my ass in split-screen. Hell, the only Bond game I liked was From Russia with Love, and that was because I got to play as Sean Connery. So, with that said, this next gen Bond game should actually be a somewhat good shooter, right? It's not a movie game, and it isn't like all Bond games were bad in the first place.

*sigh* Why hast thou forsaken me, Bond! Hey, you think that's tasteless, it's no worse than the line "I put my trust in... BOND," that Dame Judi Dench says in the beginning of the game. The writing is cheesier that a Wisconsin farmland. What's worse is it isn't because of any one liners Bond says, actually, he doesn't say any at all. It's because the story takes itself too seriously, but is written to match the older Bond movies. Imagine if Dr. No had all of Bond's one-liners, and the Bond girls, taken out of it. I know this is supposed to be a darker James Bond, but the story feels like the scraps of a lighter Bond movie, but put in modern times. The only way we know it's in modern times is because we actually are "treated" to a piece of dialogue that argues how the Western World always goes to war over WMD's, only to find that "there are no WMD's." Not to get into a political argument, but... IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY IN ANYTHING ANYMORE? It contributes nothing to the overall story.

Then again, either does the story. Seriously, the game took me a whopping 5 hours to beat, and I still don't know why it happened. The end game, which is a anti-climatic cut-scene (like all of the "boss battles") completely defeats the purpose of what Bond was doing, which was trying to stop someone from selling biological weapons. The bad guy could've just done something extremely simple instead of an elaborate plan that involves MI6, but opts to do this in such a way that if one thing went wrong, only that person would've cared. Ultimately, the world is only at stake for about five minutes of the game, and the rest is filler for a badly written "story."

It's acted and rendered about as well as the story is written, too. Craig sounds like Austin Powers, and looks like a monkey in a suit. Minor characters look terrified constantly, and no one changes expression. I know Daniel Craig has the same, "I'm too cool for my own good" look constantly, but what's everyone else's excuses? About the only good acting in the game was a guy I fought towards the end who was a more interesting villain than the actual villain. I think that's because he was like a Chinese George Takei.

The gameplay is hit and miss. While the shooting works well, it's actually too easy to kill anyone. Bond automatically aims at a target near him (as long as you're already aiming near that target), and you kill him in one to three shots. Then you have focus mode, which does that same thing, but slows time town. Um... thanks, game, but you made things easy for me already!

The AI seriously doesn't help matters. We've all heard of enemies rushing into melee range when they can shoot you. How about enemies that shoot themselves by accident? 'Nuff said.

But, driving is where it falls apart. All of the driving segments have you chasing after someone. The world knows this, and does everything to get in your way. First of all, almost every road in the game is seemingly covered in black ice as steering is nearly impossible to precisely do with out crashing. The only time that changes is when you're actually driving on ice, then it feels like you threw a brick, and doesn't respond at all. It also doesn't help that the textures for ice and water look exactly the same. Since you'll crash into everything you see, the developers decided to reward you for somehow not crashing into anything in the last level. This is funny seeing that everyone will stop right in front of you, no matter what, and you absolutely have to crash through a fence in it to. I guess the Aston Martin can fly, now?

More than anything, the game feels rushed, and it pays for it. The story is hackneyed, the graphics are subpar, the acting is bland, and the gameplay is either too easy, or too hard. Bond deserves a better game than this. About the only good thing I can say is that it isn't Saw II: Flesh and Blood, and that's about as high of praise as I'll give this game.

Overall: D

+ Shooting people works

- When they don't decide life is meaningless.

+ Chinese George Takei

- Cheesy writing

- ... and acting

- Horrible people rendering

- Even worse driving segments

- No Connery

Only Pink Robots Can Drag Me Away! The "Rock Band 3" Review

I need to do a positive review. I'm soundly oddly enough like my "nemesis," and frankly, it sickens me. So, I sold Saw 2: Flesh and Blood, as well as a few other things to buy the Keyboard bundle of Rock Band 3 at less than half price. And, well, I have a lot to say about it.

First off, the flaws. Okay... the flaw. Yes, seriously, I can name one flaw in this game, and it's the character creation tool. I tried to make me, and I look like I'm about to punch someone. I tried to make Madam Binkie, and she looks less Asian, and more like a miniature Sarah Palin. This is because, like Guitar Hero, you start off with a base head shape. Unfortunately, they got rid of some of the more used head shapes, and opted for the more "typical" ones. This means that everyone in the game has an oval head. The facial features are difficult to edit, and some of the features seemed specified to people who aren't Asian (I'm white, but I have Asian friends). Where are the Asian Eye and Nose sets? Some characters got axed, too (R.I.P. Quentin Lance and Penelope McQueen). But, the Duke of Gravity is back, and better than ever! Now, he has EPIC MUTTONCHOPS!

While the soundtrack starts off slow and very easy (and kind of boring, admittedly, on guitar), it picks up, and is well balanced for all of the instruments. Harmonies come back from Green Day: Rock Band and The Beatles: Rock Band, and are very well utilized. Of the 83 tracks on disc, only a few don't use keyboards or harmonies. One doesn't use a guitar! But, the big one left out is the Keyboard. When it is used, it ranges from very well to "why is it even here for only ten notes?"

And, that's a shame, too, because the Keyboard is one of the best additions a music game has ever made, next to, you know, the whole band! It feels a little gimmicky the way it's used in the early songs for less than a quarter of the song. At the same time, it introduces you to it slowly, and by the later songs, where all of it is keyboard run, you'll be glad it did start like that.

Especially in Pro-Mode. I played with two different friends, including Binkie, who both play piano. It took both of them a little bit of getting used to playing Pro-Mode. The complaint I've heard is that if you miss a note, you don't hear the note you did hit, and I'm inclined to agree with this. But, once you get set on it, and stay committed to it, you'll be playing something that feels extremely natural. After lots of practice, that is. Frankly, I can't wait until the string Pro-Mode Guitar comes out so I can learn some of these songs on that. Though, I may start easier, like on "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" not "Beast and The Harlot." Or "Roundabout."

Oh, back to the song list. As I was saying, the early songs are a little on the boring side on guitar. But, again, this is to introduce you to the game itself, and make Pro-Mode's curve a bit easier. Playing these songs as a band, though? A lot of fun, especially with harmonies. One of my highlights is over at my friends' place, singing "Bohemian Rhapsody," and his roommate walked over, picked up a mike, and did the bass harmonies instantly. Was it ridiculous? Yes. Was it fun? Hell, yes, and that's all that matters! How many games out can you say are that much fun, that you don't care how stupid you look?

If you're used to the RB2 menus, these will take some getting used to, but, like the rest of the game, is worth it. Every player has their own menus, and the song categorization is a lot simpler. Drop in, Drop Out gameplay is introduced, and it works great. The lack of structure in career mode, i.e. no real tour mode, is a bit jarring, but the fact that you don't earn cash to buy items is a lot better. Instead of money, you unlock items, and can change them when you want to. It feels like an award instead of a chore.

For your money, Harmonix has always known how to due the music genre of games. Rock Band 3 is no exception. Yes, it has a few hiccups, but overall, it is an improvement over an all ready amazing game. Harmonix, my hat's off to you all.

Over All: A-

+ Great Soundtrack

+ Keyboards and Harmonies!

+ Queen!

- Keyboard feels a little underused

+ But that can be fixed with DLC

- Face generation is bad

+ Pro Mode is a much awaited and needed challenge

+ A True Party Game

All Right, Game, We Get It! You're Over! The "SAW 3D" Review

So, I thought I got out of this. I was wrong. I didn't get out of it, because I got a call while over at a friend's house to play Rock Band 3, saying that I had to see this movie to review it. Wouldn't you know it, though? I was right. Not just about Saw 3D being a bad movie, but about everything in it: how it would end, who would die, and, most importantly, that in its own 1-Up-Man-Ship, it would be a comedy.

Cary Elwes returns as Dr. Lawrence Gordon, from the first movie. His acting was terrible in that one, and even worse in this. At one point, he gets up to thank a fellow survivor who wrote a book, and is recording a session with the other survivors. His line? "I... want to thank you... for... putting... us... on... your... promotional... D... VD!" Jigsaw Kramer, there were more breathless pauses in that one line of dialogue than in William Shatner's career! Even worse, the anticipation of him returning is not only soiled by this, but also the fact that he's only in this scene, the beginning, and the very ending. That last part, too, is so obvious that people were tossing it about since Saw 2!

The gore in this seems like an afterthought, much like the 3D effects. A lot of the time, the 3D gore doesn't fly to the audience, it stops and disappears once it reaches the camera. Even then, it looks pixelated and bland, or in one instance, the animation is literally 3 frames of movement total. One second the object is falling, the next, without anything in between, the object is in your face as if by teleportation. The gore if laughably fake. One trap utilizes a rubber face. I can tell because the woman's jowls flap more than a Richard Nixon Impersonator's.

Oh, let's talk about the traps. They fall into two categories: clever, but not functional for the movie's plot, or they wouldn't work. Most of the traps are set up so either someone has to die or the person cannot pass the test. Jigsaw's whole purpose was to teach people that life is worth living by putting them in near death situations. Yet, now, all his traps result in someone's death. What happened to, "Those who do not appreciate life do not deserve life. " or "I don't condone murder and I despise murderers?" Hell, Jigsaw even scolded Amanda in the third movie for doing just this!

The one that wouldn't work involves a car held up by jacks while accelerating to 90 MPH. As soon as the car hits the ground, it takes off, killing four people, despite the fact that the jacks aren't completely retracted, which would split the tires at that speed. Hell, I doubt the car would even go straight. Also, of all the things that could've been done to hold the guy in the seat, they seriously thought gluing him was the best idea? Glue?!

Like the past two and half movies before this, SAW 3D has no reason to exist other than milking a long dead cash cow. It's so bad that it actually ends up being a parody of itself, even though it's meant to be serious. If you don't believe me, take this part into account. One scene has a guy yelling at Jill Tuck, Jigsaw's girlfriend (he has one and I don't?!). The guy rambles about how he knew when he first saw her that she was crazy. He then randomly yells, "CRAZY!" as if he has echolalia, or that was his cue for his next line. That alone should some it up for you, but if you're really desperate, wait for it to come out on D... V...D!

OH! ***SPOILER ALERT!!!**** Why does everyone who survives Jigsaw's traps become an apprentice?

Low Budget and Popular? "Paranormal Activity 2" Review

The first Paranormal Activity movie set the bar on "fauxumentaries" by making them popular again. It did this by recording an everyday house that's haunted by a demon, and giving it a twist ending, though one that a child probably did in Adobe Photoshop... CS1. With its popularity, no doubt was a sequel going to be made, such was the case with The Blair Witch Project, a movie that inspired people to film up their faces while snot ran down their noses.

As gross as that image is, in my opinion, its still better than Paranormal Activity, mainly because if you paid attention to the movie, a plot hole becomes perfectly clear: If demons don't get attached to people, why is it attached to a person? Maybe that's why it's scary? I don't know. Frankly, I found it dull and amateurish. Oh, and atrociously boring. Yet, save for being dead tired and slightly stressed out, I was actually excited about the second movie. Finally, I don't have to waste mustard by boiling it with water to make myself nauseous!

There is exactly one good thing I can say about Paranormal Activity 2: it's actually better than the first movie. I can say this because, unlike the first movie, this actually had one scary moment. Seriously, it has exactly one! Most of the movie is either talking of jump scares that anyone who watches a lot of horror movies can see a mile away. Is there any horror fan out there who is still scared by jump scares, though? Surprisingly, the one scary scene in the movie is a jump scare, but is only scary because you're expecting something else in the jump scare line. The reason you're expecting that, too, because the same scene happens every five minutes. Another scene is repeated a lot: the same shot of the swimming pool vacuum cleaner. The same exact shot.

I know the movie is low budget, but stock footage? Really? Another scene has two teenagers talking while on white towels. Look closely towards the bottom edge of the screen, and you'll see a flat edge that flutters. That flat edge is a page from the script. What's more is that the movie features the return of the two main characters from the first movie, including stock footage from the first (which makes sense in context to the movie). We're supposed to take this seriously, yet one can't help but notice that one of the characters put on fifty pounds between the end of the first movie and a scene in this one (which would be roughly three hours). Even harder to avoid is the fact that every young woman in this movie wears a low cut shirt. The movie could have had the title Paranormal Activity 2: Cleavage, and it would have made sense.

The story is made weak by the fact that they explain why the events of this movie and the first movie are happening. The reason does make sense, until you think back to how certain characters in the first movie didn't know about it, but they had to have known because they were told in this one, which is a prequel. It seriously doesn't help that the dog and baby are the most interesting characters in the movie, because everyone else is incompetent or boring. Even the events happening to the family are pretty bland, relying on the same parlor tricks over and over, or in one instance, teeth from a gumball machine. The only way it could be scary is if you had a homeless bum wearing them.

If you really want a scary movie, how's this? A fake documentary that takes place in a house where one room has a guy standing in the corner, who everyone ignores, through out the whole movie until the last ten minutes. In the last ten minutes, he disappears, and the husband of the house is killed. When the police ask the family how it happened, the family mentions that maybe Henry did it. So, they knew he was there? Who was he? Why was he there? Was he kidnapped and forced to stand there? Was he demented, or was the family? What's wrong with this picture? It's a bad idea, but it's still better than Paranormal Activity 2.