Where's My Bubblegum?: The "Duke Nukem Forever" Review

Here's a set piece for you: You're protecting two busty twins from an alien invasion. After you kill so many of them, one of the twins says, "I will never do anything naughty ever again! I swear it!" To this, the other replies. "Don't say that! He won't save you if he hears that!" It's a joke that, in the '90's, would have caused a crap load of controversy, to the point where it wouldn't get placed in a game, due to it joking about the objectifying of women. Yes, it's offensive. But, what else would you expect from a game with Duke Nukem?

Here's the trick, though. That was the point of the joke. The twins really thought that Duke Nukem wouldn't save them if they refused to be naughty, which makes it an underhanded jab at the character that raises some questions about our character, such as, "Is Duke really a hero if his motivation for fighting is sex?"

That's just one of the things that Duke Nukem Forever did that was interesting. The story is what you would imagine, Aliens invade Las Vegas while the President thinks he can make peace with the aliens. He even goes so far as to ban Duke from attacking the aliens, only for them to attack Duke first. Hidden in the narrative are subtle jabs like the one stated before, as well as the President blaming Duke for LA's destruction in Duke Nukem 3D. The game tries its best to make Duke look like a dubious character, without changing the character at all, showing that while the times have changed, Duke hasn't.

And, it works, too. Duke still keeps spouting one-liners from movies ("Tonight, you dine in hell!"), as well as finding items from both other games and movies, such as Portal, Halo, Dead Space, Inception, and more. Yes, Duke's lines have changed, but the character has not. You know what, though? I wouldn't have it any other way.

The game (you just lost it) plays like every other shooter. It's not that that makes the game, though, despite the fact that the firefights are a lot of fun. What makes the game is the level design. In quite a few levels, there are multiple solutions to the platforming sections, i.e. when miniaturized in Duke Burger, I knocked over a cup I was supposed to use to get to a ledge, then found a way to climb up to it. Not all the platforming puzzles have several answers, but they do have interesting twists. Walking through gears in the dam level, for example... just watch a video of it, it's very intense.

Instead of a life bar, Duke's ego drains when he gets hit, and regenerates over time. This also gives players a chance to interact with objects that will boost your ego. Most of these are early in the game, such as a pinball machine, pool, and a mirror, with new ones appearing in the middle of the game that boost your health more. Boss battles also give permanent boosts, as well. Trust, me, too... you'll need them. Enemies hit hard and fast, and often move faster than you can aim. This game is no walk in the park.

The one thing I can fault this game on (other than the pop-in textures that are in many Unreal Engine games), is that the puzzles feel old, and there isn't a lot of combat. Most of the game is exploration, spacing out intense battles while allowing you to see more of the game. This isn't all bad, especially when the puzzles are solved by exploration. Mainly, it's the physics puzzles that feel dated, and done before. At the same time, the environment is amazingly interactive, ranging from writing on a white board, to picking up paper airplanes and throwing them. I just wish there was more, you know, actual battles. It is Duke Nukem, after all.

I don't care what every other reviewer has said this far (but that's another article). Duke Nukem Forever, while not a game that should have taken 14 years to make, is a damn good game. It's funny, fun to play, and a good nostalgic reminder of when games were about fun, not plot. I just wish there was more of what made Duke the King. I'll say one thing, though. Duke is right: "Power armor is for pussies."

Over all:

B

+ Duke is back.
+ Good, fun shooting.
+ Great level design.
- Dated physics puzzles
- Not enough shooting
+ After 12 f***ing years, it is good.

If I Were a Superhero: The "Infamous 2" Review

As some of you might know, Infamous was one of my favorite, if not favorite, Open World Game. You played as reluctant hero Cole McGrath as he discovered that he had electric based powers, and decided whether to do good or evil. It featured not only a gripping story and fun gameplay, but moral choices that were tricky to decided, especially when they get to emotional reasons. Infamous made me excited about its sequel, nonetheless, but maybe a bit too much.

Infamous 2 places you in New Marais, a city modeled off of New Orleans, complete with flooded areas and a Voodoo woman. Cole must train to destroy the Beast, which is on a path of destruction to Cole, assisted by his friend, Zeke, and two new heroes, the fiery Nix and icy Kuo. Instead of moral hang-ups, the moral choices are made by which character you help out, Nix being bad and Kuo being good. The problem is that Nix is so over the top obnoxious with her infatuation for Cole that it makes it hard to feel anything for her character, even after seeing her motivations unfold. Kuo's backstory is just as painful, though, so it kind of counter acts. But, that's only my opinion of the characters.

I emphasize that because the writing is top notch. You relate to all of the characters to a degree, even if you don't like them. Added is the sense of doom due to the ends of most missions telling you how close the Beast is, and you have some intense emotions flowing. While you think you have a time constraint and can't take side missions without wasting time, the side missions do not take time away from you. They are worth going for, too, because every mission, story and not, is mostly varied, and fun to play through, and, like the first game, taking more side missions will make the late game vastly easier.

This is where the bad comes in, though. The endgame will need to be easier, not because the enemies are hard, but because of how their weak points are designed. One monster you fight throughout the game has a weak point so small, that it's nearly impossible to hit unless you're right in front of it. This is considered an "easy" monster, nonetheless, despite the fact that it only takes damage when a pin-sized area is hit. It makes the game challenging, but not in the right way. It's a frustrating way to make the game seem longer than it is, which they didn't need to do.

The presentation is top notch, though. Monsters look frightening, and enemies put forth a redneck sense of foreboding, both in form and voice work. The main characters are mostly acted well, but I personally do not like Cole's new voice. He does a good job, though, so, it's really just personal preference. The graphics, while not a technical marvel, look great, even showing emotions and expressions better than the previous game. The comic style scenes are still in the game, but take a backseat to the in game cinematics, thus slightly taking away the charm of the series.

If Infamous was the bar for the series before, Infamous 2 doesn't really change that, but it comes damn close. The game is fun and worth the money just to see how both stories, good and bad, unfold. The only thing holding it back is the often battled enemy that seems to hard not to be a boss battle that pops up way too often, sometimes multiples at a time. But that isn't enough to hold it back. Grind on a rail to get to it, or drive. It doesn't matter, just play it.

Overall

B+

+ Great story

+ Good graphics and acting

+ Great design

- Some enemies are bullet sponges or have too small of a weak point

My Continuity Alarm is Dying from Buzzing So Damn Much: "X-Men: First Class"

What's the first thing you think of when one says "X-Men?" Sir Patrick Stewart in a wheelchair fighting Sir Ian McKellan? Comic books? A story that's been going on for over 40 years, with fans just as old, and characters as classic in the pop art culture as that Soup Can painting?

How about Bryan Singer somehow getting away with making a straight to DVD movie a box office hit, despite the terrible special effects and acting? That's what we have with X-Men First Class. That isn't to say that the movie was all terrible. James McAvoy was easily the best actor in this movie, playing a young Charles Xavier, followed by Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee, and Nicholas Hoult as Hank McCoy. Michael Fassbender does a competent role as Magento, but Magneto isn't himself, he's a parody of Daniel Craig's James Bond. Then you get to the female actresses. I can give Jennifer Lawerence some credit for her role as Mystique, seeing as she fits the look of the vulnerable young woman who is frightened of what society will think of her. Yes, she's attractive, but she's mousy and cute, and portrays this new version of Mystique well. Too bad Mystique is supposed to be seductive and cruel, but this is an origin story. January Jones plays Emma Frost, and this is where things go bad.

Emma Frost is in this movie for her looks. That actually is within the bounds of her character. The thing is, Emma Frost is a manipulative woman, seducing and using men as if they were toys. She's antisocial, and extremely intelligent, using her assets, both physically and genetically (mutant ability) for her means, having no one controlling her. January Jones says every line as if she's reading the script for the first time. This fits in with our villain, Sebastian Shaw, played by Kevin Bacon. Bacon puts forth a performance that is offensively bad and over the top, reminding me of Cesar Romaro's Joker from the '60's "Batman" series combined with Jim Carrey's Riddler.

The story consists of Xavier and Magneto making the X-Men while Shaw tricks the US and Russia into Nuclear war (being in the '60's). Shaw is known by Magneto by a convoluted means, no less. Apparently, Shaw has the ability to not age (same with Mystique), by using other mutant's abilities to heal himself. That actually is his power, ironically. In the movie, though, he can also absorb bullets, and put forth energy with twice the force as when he absorbed it. For you non geeks out there, these aren't his powers: they're Bishop's. It gets worse, too. Emma Frost's invincible diamond form allows her to move and throw off Xavier's telepathic powers, but Magneto can crack it. She broke adamantium in the comics, but is foiled by a bed frame. Not to mention the fact that she's supposed to be immobile in her diamond form.

Of course, you may be thinking that this review will be about continuity, right? That is a big part of it, yes, but there's more to it than that. The story is incomprehensible, at best, and boring at it's worst. It's written like a '60's spy movie, down to having a montage in the same style, and Beast's God Awful make-up, reminiscent of the original Planet of the Apes. The direction is incredibly bad, possibly part of the reason for the terrible acting. No attention or care was given to the characters' respective integrities, in the script or the overall production, most of them not even having the right abilities, strengths, or weaknesses. Even worse is the fact that the main plot is a cliche that doesn't really fit with the situation we currently face in our world.

It's so bad that even the pet peeves irk me more. What is Singer's reasoning for wanting the bad-ass character to show their bad-assery by being mute, and ending up being inconsequential to the overall story? And if Bryan Singer hates Edi Gathegi that much, why hire him only to fire him from a show ("House") and kill him in a way that makes no sense at all? Why is Xavier a drunkard? What was the purpose of Angel? Why did half the fights in the end of the movie go completely unresolved?

I can sum up the best part of the movie in one scene. Magneto and Xavier walk into a bar and see Wolverine. The following happens:

Xavier: Logan, my name is Charles Xavier, this is Erik Lensherr--
Logan: Go fuck yourselves.

They leave the bar. I saved you $10.


I give this movie 1.5 out of 6 comic pages.

The Reigning King? First Imperssions of "Duke Nukem Forever."

14 years or so after Duke's third game, the smash hit Duke Nukem 3D came out on PC, his newest game is finally coming out in two weeks. Long belonging to the vaporware category of games, and going through several developers, especially after 3D Realms were fired by 2K, Gearbox takes over, attempting to make Duke Nukem Forever the epic shooter fans are expecting, nay, demanding. Hype after hype has been added, saying that Duke can and will do anything. People who reserved it or bought the Game of the Year edition of Borderlands got a first hand look this week as the demo was released. Thankfully, Sony decided to finally put PSN back up around the same time, too.

What can I say? That it's Duke 3D over again? Then, I'd be lying. The first part of the demo is the last boss of DN3D, but told differently. Duke starts the level by taking a piss. Upon roaming, he makes a plan to kill the Cycloid, then fights it. The next part (other than him getting head from two twins), he's driving a monster truck. And that's only scraping the surface of what can be done. Duke can write on boards, grab and throw poop ("What kind of a sick motherf***er grabs wet feces?!"), pull out the tusks of pigcops, and a lot more.

The aesthetic quality has changed to keep up with the times, but there are still hints of it being the same universe. The RPG launcher looks nearly the same, only more details, obviously, as he Duke 3D one. The Ripper returns, as well as the shrink ray, the only gun that looks drastically different. New weapons are added, though, such as the Rail Gun. What I find interesting is that you really do need to swap weapons for the game's full effect. It isn't like most shooters now where you can keep the same load-out level after level, due to the stats being pretty much the same.

The game is beautiful to look at. Duke gets covered in rain, and it looks pretty damn decent. The one complaint graphically I had is that the faces look a little too cartoonish and the women look the same. Granted... they were twins. Despite this, the detail on the monsters and weapons (as well as Duke) is phenomenal, and the backgrounds are a sight.

Finally, the game itself. I'm tossed up on this. I enjoyed playing, but other than what you can manipulate, it's nothing new. Bulletstorm could have had this problem, but they took care of it by rounding out the skill kill system. Duke's big draw is his name, the wait for this game, and being able to do things that don't really affect the game at all just to do them. Ultimately, it's a cherry on a shooter, much like gold trim would be on a Ferrari. It does nothing but look good, and make it look like it isn't a plain old Ferrari. At the same time, a lot of care was given to the game to make it a top notch shooter with bells and whistles. Duke is still Duke, and that's what we wanted. And the a fun game, which it is. If the system isn't broken, why fix it? Of course, this was only a demo, so who knows what the game will hold.

What it really comes down to is this: It's Duke Nukem. If you like that, then you'll love Duke Nukem Forever. Just don't expect it to revitalize the shooter genre with something like skill kills. At the same time, is the game expands on what the demo has shown (which it should, from what I've heard), it will be worth the money just to see Duke be the king again.

Book 'Em, Dano!: The "L.A. Noire" review

As I said in the Heavy Rain review, it's rare that a game comes by that is both innovative and entertaining enough to keep itself original. While Heavy Rain's type of style has been done before, it was changed enough that the game felt fresh and played amazingly well. It was my favorite game of last year, not because it was gorgeous, but because it was a game that had something to say, and say it, it did in a manner that gamers weren't used to, but could enjoy. Even if you didn't like it, you can not deny that it was different, and maybe even innovative.

L.A. Noire is mostly the same case (no pun intended). It's an open world game, but with more to offer that you'd expect. You play as Detective Cole Phelps as he works in the streets of 1947 Los Angeles, going through different fields of work, from homicide to vice. Along with this story are two side stories, one involving Phelps past in WWII, and another involving a morphine smuggling ring. These three elements tie together towards the end of the game, as you would expect. The trick is that the story doesn't force the three branches into each other, they flow pretty damn well. L.A. Noire's story is one of the best stories of any game released this year, bar non.

This is only enhanced by the game play. While you do have shooting/fighting and chase scenes that at times become a little bit redundant, they do feel like they fit in to the whole game. Suspects may try to push things in your way, or even trap you, but the chases are done so they aren't impossibly hard. I usually am horrible at them, and I've caught my perp every time. The shooting is like fellow Rockstar alum Red Dead Redemption minus the dead eye meter. It works well, but there's no real innovation with it (then again, it didn't need it). Fighting feels more natural than it does in most Rockstar games, but at the same time, is still the weakest part of the game. It's mostly pressing one button until they bad guy is dazed, then finish him. There is no variation from it. Again, though, it really doesn't need it, because the game does make up for it, in a big way.

That way is the game's core mechanic: investigation. As Phelps, you'll do a lot of if, ranging from hunting for evidence to interviewing suspects. As you hunt for evidence, the control will vibrate, and a chime will sound, letting you know of any clues in the area. Not all clues are relevant to the investigation, but will boost your case rating anyway as you can rule them out. Most reviewers said that the game's investigation and clue hunts were redundant, and I have to disagree to a point. While you will do it a lot, keep in mind that police investigators do it a lot, too. My point is, what else did you really expect, reviewers?

The other aspect of investigation is interviewing. Seeing as it is impossible to talk about this without talking about the graphics, I'm going to have to delve into it. The motion scanning used in this game is absolutely amazing. As you're interviewing people, you can read their emotions to see if they're lying or not. If they are lying, you need to prove that they are. If you don't have proof, you can doubt what they're saying. The problem is that sometimes, you need to go somewhere to get proof before interviewing people. If you happen to not do things in the right order, you can still solve the case, but you're rating will be docked. Watching people's reactions change and shift is amazing, and at times humorous. At least one person you interview will say something and pose afterwards (with their hands on their hips like Isaiah Mustafa holding a towel). Not only is it funny, but it adds a sense of realism to the characters.

As a whole, the graphics are amazing. Rockstar managed to make a city that does feel like it's a live, as well as characters that are individualistic. Adding to the games appearances are voice actors who are some of the best at their jobs. Aaron Stanton does a stand-up job as Cole Phelps. The rest of the cast shines equally as well, and includes familiar faces such as Adam Harrington ("Dexter"), Greg Grunberg (Heroes, as well as Condemned: Criminal Origins) and John Noble ("Fringe"). This game is a Leonard Nimoy short of voice acting perfection... okay, I take that back after thinking about Sea-Man.

L.A. Noire is a treasure in a pile of rubbish games, the diamond in the silicon rough. Compared to games that are currently out (Brink, Naughty Bear: Gold Edition, Thor), this is the one game worthy of the hype most other games aspire to have. There were a few glitches (characters getting stuck in elevators and clipping) but nothing game breaking. For your money L.A. Noire is a case worth cracking.

Over all:

A

+Beautifully rendered
+ Amazing story
+ Best voice work in a long time
+ Innovative and interesting game play
- Minor glitches
- Fisticuffs is a little long in the tooth.

In Memoriam

Randall Mario"Macho Man Randy Savage" Poffo

November 15, 1952 - May 20, 2011

Ohio lost one of the greats today.

You will be missed, brother!

I...Am...Bored!: The "Thor: God of Thunder" Review

It's a known fact that licenced video games are generally terrible. Case in point: Saw II: Flesh and Blood, the only game I've played to date that flips you off for beating it, and you know that you deserve it. It can be attributed to being rushed, or just because the designers didn't care about the product enough. Thor: God of Thunder is one of the weird ones. The team is the same people who made the X-Men Origins: Wolverine game that was actually a lot of fun. Yet, Thor comes off as a chore for the Ages.

Let's start with the funniest thing wrong with it: the acting. If this is how Thor and Loki act in the movie, I'm all ready bored. Chris Helmsworth doesn't show any emotion at all. Casually mentioning, "I am Thor," instead of belting it out, he sounds like Ben Stein asking Ferris Bueller to answer a question. Loki isn't much better. This line is delivered as flat as it is written here: "I will do what's best for Asgard and for Loki." I'm pretty damn sure that there is an italic in there, somewhere.

Game play is just as boring. It's the God of War style game, but with only one attack button, a magic button, jump, and grapple. You can only grapple certain enemies at certain times, and half of those times, it doesn't work. You cycle magic with the left and right arrows, and use down for-- I'm sorry, I can't keep from laughing at this-- a hint button. Hints in a game where you beat the living crap out of people with a hammer. It's even more worthless when most of the hints are just what the level objective is. If you are stuck, reminding you what you need to do without any other direction is going to help.

You'll be stuck a lot, too, mainly because the game is glitchy as hell. Several times in the game, progress had been blocked by walls that I needed to destroy. The problem was that I couldn't destroy said walls until it realized that I was stuck. I'd be trying to progress for five minutes until the game figured out that it should let me go on. Other times, enemies will not take damage from attacks, even if they show that they are. I've had instances of floating enemies, and, my personal favorite, enemies that ignore you entirely, and attack midair. Even more infuriating is Thor's attacks randomly going spastic, causing his hammer to fly away from him in a random direction, usually toward the player, and miss everything attacking him.

Graphically, the game is equally horrendous. At one point, I was on a bridge, and water was flowing across it. As the camera turned, the water was still flowing the same way, across the screen, like an old Doom sprite. Even better, the snow in the background was blurry and unpolished, resembling Playstation One graphics. Characters are very plastic looking, as well, showing even less emotion than the voice actors... which is still dumbfounding. I've also fought five different versions of the same three enemies, including bosses. This isn't acceptable in downloaded games, why is it here?

Thor: God of Thunder is not worthy of existence. The only redeeming quality it has is that it isn't Saw 2, and even then Saw 2 had the unintentional humor to it that this game doesn't have. It reeks of being made by people who just didn't care about the material enough to make a quality game, nor a product. If you look up cash-in, Thor: God of Thunder would be the picture next to it.

Overall: D-

+ Not Saw II: Flesh and Blood
- Glitchy as Saw II
- Boring voice acting
- Anemic variety
- One button combat, really?
- A fucking hint system?
- Graphics and sound will make your eyes and ears bleed.